


Picking Up the Pieces

by KrisLetang



Series: Demons [7]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Dissociation, F/M, Grief, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of past child abuse, Non-Consensual Drug Use, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Pregnancy, Psychological Trauma, Rape, Referenced suicide, Self-Harm, child custody, mentions of past rape, panick attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-13
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-03-17 16:51:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 60
Words: 143,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13663230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KrisLetang/pseuds/KrisLetang
Summary: How will Rafael cope with his injury and the implications of it on your future?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So hwre’s The beginning of the next part. No guarantees my updates will be regular. Depends on how fast I write. This got really dark, really really fast so be warned. I definitely was not planning on taking this in the direction it ended up in, but that’s where the words ended up going so this is it. Hope you guys enjoy this (it may end up being a two parter cause I’m not even close to where I wanted to be and it’s alreay very long)...I’d love comments, thanks! :)

_Waves crashing onto the sandy beach where he lay. Peace and tranquillity defined this pocket of paradise that was hidden. Hidden for him. The sun wasn’t too warm as it beat down on his face, the cool ocean breeze smelling sweet in the air and ticking his skin. The gritty feeling of sand didn’t exist, it was soft and smooth, sinking in around him as he laid down. Nothing hurt. He could hear the squawking of seagulls, the salty scent of sea water occasionally capturing his awareness. A fruity, sugary mixed drink was in the sand next to him, and with each sip, a shot of warmth pooled in his abdomen. Speaking of warmth, you were sprawled out beside him, head pillowed on his shoulder, arm draped over his chest. He was running a hand up and down your back. He never wanted to leave, but on the horizon dark clouds loomed. “Rafi,” your voice was a soft sigh, hand rubbing little circles on his bare chest. He shut his eyes, breathing in your familiar fruity shampoo as he buried his face in your hair. “Rafi,” now your voice was more insistent,”_

_“Hm?” He asked softly, but you didn’t answer and suddenly the ground was trembling,_

_“Rafael,”_

“Rafael,” and just like that he was back in the hospital room, you looking at him expectantly. He blinked a second, feeling disoriented. He could feel his cheeks burning, you had to have just asked him a question, but he had no idea what it was. “Are you feeling okay?” You asked softly, reaching out and touching his forehead, but he flinched. “Shh, I’m just feeling for a fever,” you were being so patient with him, and he appreciated it more than anything because the last thing he wanted to do right now was hurt you.

“Can I hold Gabriella?” He asked softly. You nodded and got her out of her car seat. They had discharged the both of you over a week ago, and now he was stuck in the hospital, all alone and missing out on watching his daughter grow up. Nights were long, staring at the ceiling, his sleep constantly interrupted by nightmares. He hadn’t felt so alone since before you moved to Manhattan. It felt like such a long time ago, and he clung tight to the good memories because they were all that would get him through between your visits. He grinned as you set Gabriella on his lap. He gently pulled her closer, so she could rest against his body. He had been so lonely before you showed up. It was one of those things where he had been working so hard for so long, he thought the opportunity for love had passed him by. The job was fulfilling enough except for when it wasn’t. He would face a long day of playing janitor and cleaning up the messes that detectives left for him, taking all the heat and blame from the DA and city hall and then he would go home to an empty, dark apartment where all he had was work and booze. He would stagger home wasted more nights than he’d like to admit and then sleep it off and do it all again the next morning, self hatred consuming him. It was too familiar, too much like him, but he needed something to get him through those lonely nights. Something to try and sleep instead of staring up at the wall and thinking about everything he needed to do the next day. But then everything had changed with one stroke of fortune. DiCarlo had to recuse herself from a case and it was reassigned to him, and that led to him meeting you. At first it had been a phone call and a few text messages as neither of you had time to have a real, in-person meeting, but you managed to impress him nonetheless. He wanted to ask you to dinner then, but he couldn’t get the nerve up to do it, so instead, he sent the single most important text message of his life: asking for the Nuñez file and joking that you should transfer to Manhattan.

“Rafi, baby,” your voice startled him. He immediately realized he had done it again and looked down to see how Gabriella was. Thankfully, she was dozing off, drool dripping onto his shirt. They finally let him wear his own clothes.

“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” He asked softly, stroking his hand over Gabriella’s back. She was so big even since the last time he saw her.

“I was asking if the nurses said when they were going to take your feeding tube out,” you repeated, holding his free hand. He honestly had no idea, but he hoped it was soon. It was really uncomfortable at times. The worst had been when Gabriella grabbed it and pulled. You had freaked out, calling the nurse and the doctor in immediately to reinsert it. Sure, it had been painful, but it hadn’t been as bad as you made it seem. He endured over a half hour of nurses fretting over him and then holding him down as they shoved it back in. He wasn’t allowed to hold Gabriella for the rest of the day which was just the icing on the cake in a whole month of bad. She was his anchor right now, the light in the dark tunnel. Being unable to take care of her himself was tearing him apart. Would she even know him by the time he got out of here? Breathing was still taxing, his incision feeling like it was going to burst open. Coughing was by far the worst. He had to hold a pillow tight to his chest and lay on his side to try and take the pressure off it, but it was blinding pain that made him want to die. You cradled his head in your lap after that, petting his hair and soothing him as he cried. He looked over at you, realizing he never actually answered your question.

“Oh, uh, sorry, I’m a little tired. They haven’t said anything, probably because they don’t trust me to eat on my own,” he finally replied, shifting Gabriella around so he could cradle her in his arms just enough. He wanted to be able to look at her face. She squirmed, her nose scrunching up like she was going to start crying. He rocked her a few times as much as he could, shushing her. “Hey, hey, princessa, no, don’t cry sweetheart. I’m right here. Daddy is here,” she let out a little wail, starting to bawl and he felt so helpless. Tears began to stream from his own eyes, “Daddy is here mija, please don’t cry,” You didn’t move to help at all, and he appreciated you trying to let him handle it, but he was handicapped right now. “Damn it, I can’t rock her,” he whispered, “Y/N, help me,” he sounded so defeated, handing her over to you. You shushed her, rocking and bouncing her beside the bed,

“Shh, baby girl, it’s okay,” You whispered, and she started to calm down, “Daddy just wants to hold you. He loves you very much,” Rafael wanted to curl up on his side and squeeze his eyes closed. “She’s been fussy today, didn’t sleep so well last night. I was up 4 times,”

“Sonny still sleeping on our couch?” He asked softly, picking at the blanket.

“Yeah, he watched her so I could get a shower earlier. He’s really been a life saver. Brady loves her. He curls up beside her crib and he barks at me when she’s crying,” your words were meant to keep him up to date, but they just made it worse. He was missing out on so much. He moved around, laying down and closing his eyes. “Do you need anything,” your hands were soft in his hair. He did need something, he needed this to all stop. Everything was moving around him rapidly as he was stuck in time, in an uncomfortable little hospital bed. He couldn’t look at you and admit that he wanted to die. He was just so sick of feeling like he was missing out. He shook his head, starting to drift off. Nails gently scraping across his scalp, locks of hair dragged between fingers, a soft voice lulling him into the black darkness.

…………………………

It was a rude awakening that left him blearily blinking and trying to latch onto a conscious thought long enough to figure out what was going on. He felt lethargic and dazed, and maybe it was the drugs that were still being pumped into his system, but it felt like more than usual. The lights turning on blinded him momentarily, jabbing pains assaulting his skull. It felt like someone was continuously taking a bat to his head. “Mr. Barba, I’m sorry to wake you, but I need to check your vitals and you’re going to have to cough for me,” he didn’t answer. He didn’t care at this point. He laid there quietly while she grabbed his wrist and then his forehead. “You feel a tad clammy, are you feeling alright this morning?”

“I feel fine,” He gritted out. He knew it was rude, but he couldn’t bring himself to care at all. She took a look at his incision and made a face. That should worry him.

“Okay, Dr. Sloan is going to come in and check on you in a bit. Let’s get this coughing out of the way, we need to clear your lungs,” she handed him the little pillow which he pressed against his chest after turning on his side. Through his foggy brain, he did realize this was the nurse he liked; she rubbed his back when he was alone for this. He laid still for a few moments, steeling himself for the pain. He exhaled a weak cough that felt like his chest was tearing apart. Tears pricked his eyes, but he did another, harder one. He had to lay there for a few moments to calm down before she handed him the little device that he was supposed to use for deep breathing. He sat up, leaning against the back wall, and she sat on the edge of his bed, “Doing okay?” She asked softly. He wiped at the tears that were staining his cheeks before bringing the plastic tubular thing that he didn’t know the name of up to his lips. He sucked in a breath, but immediately had to exhale because it hurt so bad, “That’s okay, try again,” she whispered. He knew it was for his own good, but the pain was white, hot and unbearable like a fire exploding in his lungs. He brought it back up to his mouth, sucking in and squeezing his eyes closed as tears began to leak down his cheeks. He groped around for purchase and ended up with a small hand in his. He made it to seven seconds before he couldn’t take it. He felt exhausted, and the nurse was gently rubbing his arm, “Okay, that’s good for now, it’s okay. Take a breath and then you have to cough one more time,” He wanted to sag on the bed and never get up, feeling completely drained of energy. He flopped over on his side, wincing as his still healing incisions from the chest tube dragged against the sheets, clung to the pillow and then her fingers were sifting through his hair and he forced the cough out. When the sobs subsided, he shut his eyes, feeling defeated and enjoying the soft hand that was stroking through his hair.

The next time someone woke him up, it was time for his physical therapy and despite his desire to lay in bed all day and skip it, he knew you would want him to do the PT. The walking they had him do was exhausting, but he knew it was good for him. The best part was when the therapist did manual manipulations on his back. You had asked them if they could help him with that on top of the cardio rehabilitation that he was supposed to be getting. Finally, they let him alone. He laid in bed and tried not to cry. He was tired of crying. He was tired of everything, and he wanted to go home and hold his daughter and lay in your arms. He wanted this to be over. Where were you anyways? Usually you and Gabriella would show up before his physical therapy and you would hold his hand when he did his breathing exercises. It was so much more bearable when you were there, but he didn’t even have a text from you saying you’d be late. Had he upset you? He hadn’t meant to become so withdrawn, but this was a lot for him. He wished more than anything he could be home with you right now. He reached for his phone, struggling to get his hands to where it sat on the bedside table. He had to slowly scoot over so he wasn’t reaching so much and it wasn’t pulling on his incision. He dialed your number, he needed to apologize. It rang a few times which worried him because you would generally pick up after the first or second ring. “Hello?” you sounded slightly frantic and he could hear crying in the background.

“Hey Y/N, it’s me,” he barely recognized his own voice, rough from lack of use.

“Oh Rafael, are you okay?” you sounded panicked, “Actually, hold on a second. Sonny!” there was some muffled noises before he heard a door click shut and it was just silence and your voice. “Okay, what’s up?”

“I just--I thought you were coming to visit, and I wanted to say I’m sorry I was so quiet yesterday, I do want you here, I just--” he started to say, hurriedly.

“Hey, shhh, I’m not upset with you I promise. I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to text you or call you, Gabriella woke up sick this morning and she won’t stop crying. She won’t eat. Sonny’s been helping me, but it’s been a little crazy. I promise I’ll come see you tomorrow okay?” you rushed to assure him, but he still felt nervous. You promised him you’d come and visit him everyday and now you weren’t coming. You had to be upset with him.

“Oh okay, um, give her a kiss for me,” he said softly, feeling dejected. He wanted to hold onto this conversation for as long as he could. He would be alone again once you hung up.

“Okay, I have to go now,” you said, the crying getting louder and louder,

“I love-” dial tone, “you,” he sighed, you hung up on him. He let his phone fall on the bed beside him, shutting his eyes and finally breaking down. The tears that were streaming down his cheeks were warm and sticky and he hated himself for them. Everything was just so messed up. He was so messed up, and crying wasn’t helping his slight breathing problem. There was a knock on his door that startled him, and he quickly started wiping at the tears on his face.

“Hey, you okay?” it was the nurse. “Are you in pain Mr. Barba?”

“No,” he whispered, “I just hate it here,”

“Come now, you’re gonna hurt my feelings. I just wanted to check in and see how your temperature is,” she reached out and felt his forehead, her hand brushing some hair away from his eyes. She was smiling at him, her eyes glued to his face, “You feel a little better than earlier. How about this, I’m gonna head down to the cafeteria and sneak some pudding cups and then you can tell me all about what it’s like to be a prosecutor, okay?” He hesitated, why was she talking to him at all? He wasn’t anything special, but she seemed to think otherwise. He yearned for the company, and despite the bad feeling he had, he decided to take her up on it. He nodded softly, glad to have a chance to collect himself. He wiped the tears from his face, trying to sit up in a comfortable position. She didn’t take long to return and he found himself self consciously running a hand through his hair. It wasn’t very clean which was frustrating. He felt disgusting, but she sat down beside him, pushing a cup of chocolate pudding and spoon in his direction. He felt a weak smile playing at his lips as he opened it and took a spoonful. The chocolate was sticky and usually he didn’t really like pudding that much but it was the first solid food he’d eaten in a while. It tasted so good, like it was melting in his mouth. He made an embarrassing sound, and started to turn red. It reminded him of when you brought him take out after his nose surgery. What was he doing right now? He shouldn’t be doing this, he needed to ask her to leave, this was a bad idea.

“Don’t forget, you owe me a story now,” she said with a grin. Rafael took another bite of his pudding.

“What do you want to hear?” he finally asked softly. A deal was a deal. She was smiling at him, scooting closer and laying a hand on Rafael’s leg.

“How about your craziest case?” she asked. Rafael shifted over, trying to put some space between them. The spoon was cool against his lips as he pulled it from his mouth. Now that was a good question.

“Oh boy, you just opened a can of worms,” he said with a little smirk.

“Rafael--I hope you don’t mind me using your first name,” he wanted to tell her that he did in fact mind, but she was already moving on with the sentence. “I would love to hear about this can of worms,” He cleared his throat, feeling more than a little uncomfortable, but he had gotten himself in this situation. He would appease her by telling the story and then let her down gently which would hopefully soften the blow.

“I guess, I guess my first case with the SVU squad was pretty crazy. Ever hear about the book Twenty-Five Acts?” the whole time he spoke, telling her the story of how he let Adam Cain choke him with a belt, her eyes were glued to his face. He didn’t miss the flickering of her eyes from his lips to his gaze.

“Wow, you are very brave. That crazy streak help you get shot?” he stiffened at that question. He hated being asked about it, remembering it. It hurt. “Sore spot? Don’t worry, I won’t make you talk about it,” She rubbed his wrist, grabbing his hand. He pulled it away. “Oh don’t be like that,” She moved to sit beside him on the bed. He was tense,

“I don’t think--” but his words were cut off by her lips crashing against his. He was shocked still for a few seconds, and she took full advantage by pushing her tongue past his lips. Once he regained his bearings, he pushed her back, “No-No, why did you do that?” She stroked his chest,

“Oh baby, don’t pretend you didn’t like it,” she leaned in again, her warm breath ghosting across his lips, but it was all wrong. She tasted wrong, the way she called him baby was wrong, her body pressed against him was so, so wrong. It wasn’t you, and he didn’t want it.

“No,” he said firmly, pushing her away, “I-I you’re very kind, but I have a fiancée and a baby, and it’s nothing personal….”

“I get it,” she said, winking at him as she slipped out of the room. Rafael was left alone, clutching the cup of pudding that now tasted like ash in his mouth. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael’s trauma continues to build up inside him and your relationship hits a bump in the road.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, there is some graphic child abuse in his night mare so please be warned and don’t read the italics if it bothers you. Poor Rafi can’t catch a break, but I promise after this fic, I’ll gift you all with something really really fluffy. You have my word. I’ll even take requests if you have something you want me to write with these two. Anyways, I’d love comments, let me know what you think and buckle up baby cause oh boy what did I do. Enjoy!

_His hands hands were beating against the stone wall. “Wait,” he screamed, over and over again. He would claw the stone apart if he had to. “Wait, please, I need you,” his hands were bloody now, his muscles burning with exertion. Where the hell were you even going? One moment, you had been in his arms, the next you were slipping away, out of his grasp, the stone wall impeding him from following. “Y/N,” he screamed, falling to his knees. He couldn’t lose you--he would fall apart. The images started to morph and it was a whole new type of screaming. Familiar screaming._

_His voice echoed through the old house that was basically falling apart. The obcentities in both Spanish and English, crashing noises coming from what sounded like the kitchen. Headlights from cars shone through his window, but Rafael squeezed his eyes closed, praying that he would be spared just this once. He tried to keep the tears at bay, to keep quiet and pretend he was asleep. His heart was beating like crazy, the sound of phantom footsteps down the hallway. He wasn’t sure if he was imagining them or if they were real. Then the door creaked open and he knew he was in for a long night. The rancid smell of alcohol was already choking him, making him want to gag and retch. The mattress squeaked as he sat down, the cool air hitting Rafael’s bare skin as the blanket was pulled back. The familiar calloused hand started by rubbing up and down his back, “Shh, it’s just me,” Rafael stayed as still as possible, biting his lip to keep his cries in. The sound of a belt clinking around made him shiver. Hands pulling at his pajama pants and underwear, hot breath on the back of his neck and the familiar fingers pressing into him, slick with what could only be spit. He never was lucky enough to get lube. Rafael stayed still; it was just easier that way. Expecting the blunt, white, hot pain of penetration, he was surprised when there was muffled swearing behind him. He couldn’t help but cry out as fingers tangled in his hair, yanking his head up and nearly ripping a chunk of the black locks out of his skull. “Get on the floor,” it was growled and Rafael didn’t dare argue. He scrambled down to the ground, the cold floor making his knees ache. The man shoved his dirty jeans down and there lied the problem. Served him right, drinking all that alcohol. “Get me hard,” He held his tongue, hesitating to do anything that might insight him further. The rough fingers tangled in his hair again, dragging his face down to crotch level. Rafael gagged at first, the salty, bitter taste making him feel nauseous. He didn’t have to do much but loosen his lips and squeeze his eyes closed as the man bucked up into his mouth. He tried to escape reality, but he was stuck in the moment, feeling everything. Despite the violent thrusting, he wasn’t hardening at all, and Rafael wasn’t sure how long he could the take the assault. He sucked in panicked breaths when he was finally allowed up, but it took one harsh kick to his midsection to knock all the air out of him. Then he was on the ground, getting the living hell beat out of him all because his father had too much to drink. Then there was a lot of weight on top of him and he couldn’t breathe or see out of his eye that was swollen shut. All he could do was groan in pain. “You better keep quiet,” Great, there was more. Tears started to leak from his eyes, but instead of warm flesh pushing into him, it was something cold and foreign that he wasn’t able to identify. All he could do was choke back sobs and take it._

Rafael awoke with a start, tears pouring from his eyes. Jerking up in bed put him into a world of pain, and he knew he was all alone which made everything worse. “Shhh,” he turned his head so fast, a twinge of pain appeared in the back of his neck, but it was worth it to see you sitting by his bedside in leggings and his old sweatshirt, coming to comfort him.

“Y/N?” He said in a watery voice. You climbed into the bed with him, wrapping him up in a hug and letting him press his face against your shoulder.

“I’m right here,” you whispered, stroking his hair, and he briefly wondered if this was some drug induced hallucination, but it felt so real

“What—”

“Shh, Sonny is with Gabriella. I just—I’m sorry you were alone all day. I love you so much,” and then your face was pressed into his hair and you were holding him, and his crumbling world didn’t seem so bad. “It was just a dream Rafi, you’re okay. He can’t hurt you anymore,” you murmured as he sobbed. Rafael clutched your shirt, “Go back to sleep now, you need it,”

“But—”

“I’ll be here when you wake up, I promise,” you whispered, kissing the top of his head. Rafael curled up against you,

“Thank you,” he said softly. He felt so much better in your embrace, but there was a nagging feeling of guilt that made him sick to his stomach. What had he done earlier? He was disgusted with himself. How could he ever step out on you at all? “Y/N, I need to tell you something,” he whispered, but you were running your fingers through his hair,

“Tomorrow, not—not now, just let me take care of you,” you replied, continuing to pet him and rub his back. He felt himself starting to drift off again, feeling warm and secure in your arms. Tomorrow he would get on his knees and beg you to forgive him. That was his last thought before he succumbed to sleep.

……………………….

When he woke up, it was warm and your breaths were tickling his neck. He kept his eyes closed, never wanting to let go of you. He knew soon enough he was going to have to do his breathing exercises and again and he was dreading that part of the day. What he wanted more than anything was to go home and sleep in his own bed, to hold Gabriella, and for everything to go back to normal. You started to stir, sighing softly and kissing the warm skin of his neck. “Morning,” He whispered, turning his head enough to catch your lips in a lazy kiss. You were quiet for a bit, just stroking your hands over his body like you needed to assure yourself he was still alive.

“What were you dreaming about last night?” You finally asked softly. He cringed. He didn’t like telling those stories, they were disgusting and sharing the burden of those memories had been something he always tried to avoid. He couldn’t help but laugh bitterly when he thought about it though. “What?”

“It’s just kind of ironic is all. My father drank so much he gave himself erectile dysfunction, so he beat the shit out of me and then used a beer bottle to do the job instead,” he whispered. You were quiet, but your hold around him tightened. He shut his eyes, turning over in your arms to bury his face in your shirt.

“I love you,” you whispered, face resting against the top of his head, “I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I love you more than anything okay?” He clutched into you, what did he do to deserve you? He was dreading the hurt that would appear on your face when he admitted what he’d done. “So what did you want to tell—” You were interrupted by a knock on the door.

“Rafael, it’s time for your breathing exercises,” Great. It was her. This was just shaping up to be so great, “You can’t be on the bed with him,” He was about to tell her off, but creating a scene was not a good idea. You didn’t complain, untangling yourself from him and all the wires. “Here’s your pillow, you’ll have to cough for me,” You started stroking his hair as he turned onto his side. He pressed it against his incision, bracing himself for the pain. Her hand on his back made him tense up, and he could feel your eyes glued to it. He reached for your hand, squeezing it as he coughed. The breathing part was worse, but with your quiet coaching, he was able to do five sets of six seconds which was far better than what he managed before. He sagged back against his pillow,

“That was so good baby,” you whispered, “Do you want something to eat? I can go get you breakfast,”

“No,” he said hastily, “Don’t leave me,” You nodded, wiping his sweaty, grimy hair off his forehead,

“Okay, I’ll tell you what, you cough one last time and I’m going to find a way to wash your hair and body. I know that will make you feel so much better. Sound good?” you suggested, rubbing his arm and glaring at the nurse that was still impeding on your privacy. Rafael hated the way she was still touching him.

“Okay,” he whispered, doing as you said. Once it was over, he shut his eyes and rested for a bit. Everything hurt and he still needed to tell you.

“Rafael,” Damn. He hadn’t realized she was still there. Her hand rubbed across his chest, and then her thumb brushed across his jaw.

“Stop,” he whispered, “Please, just leave me alone,”

“Wow, someone gets cranky when he’s in pain. Just relax,” he didn’t want to relax. He wanted you to come back and talk to him. He wanted his daughter.

“Relax so you can harass me? I asked you not to touch me like that,” he bit back, finding it in him to say something snarky. Her hands tightened on his jaw and it hurt,

“This isn’t harassment, now you relax,” she said sternly, “I’ll see you later,” By the time you returned, she had thankfully left.

“Here,” you set a tray in front of him and he pushed himself up to a sitting position to pick at the food. You started to pull his shirt up and off of his torso and he was so tired he didn’t even question it. The. There was some sort of plastic and you were taping it to his chest. “Alrighty, the nurse just needs to check this and we can get you in the shower,” He stiffened when you said something about the nurse. “What?” You said with a laugh, “You don’t like her?”

He cleared his throat, “I really need to tell you something,” you looked concerned as you sat on the bed.

“What’s going on?” You asked, stroking his arm. He looked down guiltily, shame reddening his face.

“I—I yesterday—” He started to explain when a nurse came in to check his taping. Thankfully it wasn’t her.

“Here, let’s get you clean, and then you can tell me,” you said, helping him up and toward the shower. You held him up in the shower, massaging shampoo through his hair two or three times before it was soft and luxurious as usual. It started to flop in his face as you scrubbed his skin with body wash. He hated his hair being this long, but he knew you really liked it. Afterwards, you carefully shaved his face and he felt so, so much better. As you helped him back into bed, he started to cry. Why were you so good to him? He was such a terrible person. “Rafi, what’s wrong?”

“I did a bad thing,” he whispered, unable to stop the tears that were pouring from his eyes. You sat down beside him again, rubbing his arm.

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” you whispered, but he shook his head,

“I—I was so lonely yesterday, and I wanted someone to talk to and she brought me pudding—”

“Woah, slow down,” You whispered, “Who is she?”

“That nurse, she was touching my arm and she wanted to talk to me,” he tried to calm down and talk clearly so you could understand what he was saying. “And-and I knew it was wrong. I wanted her to leave because I never would want to hurt you, but she kissed me and I don’t know why,”

“You kissed her?” You didn’t even sound angry, just hurt and quiet which scared him the most.

“No but—”

“But what Rafi? I don’t show up for one day because our daughter is sick and you start flirting with another woman?” Now you sounded mad and he wasn’t sure if he wanted you to go back to the quiet angry or not. He felt so confused about what had happened. Sure, he was being a bit of a jerk by inviting her into the room, but he hadn’t given any indication that he wanted her to kiss him. “Is that why she was touching you all morning?”

“I didn’t want her to do that Y/N, I’m sorry-I’m so sorry. I lost my head for just a second and—” he trailed off. You just looked so hurt.

“I-I don’t know what to say to you right now. I think, I think I’m going to go home. I need some space to think,” you finally said. He hung his head, he didn’t blame you.

“Okay, I-I love—”

“Don’t,” you cut him off, standing up and heading out the door. What had he done? He sat there quietly and sniffled. Then he started to panic. His breathing grew heavier, tears were rolling down his cheeks. You couldn’t leave him, he couldn’t lose the best thing in his life and your daughter, oh God, he had really fucked everything up. His chest ached with the exertion of breathing, and the once steady beat of his heart was speeding up rapidly. It only got worse when she poked her head in the door,

“Rafael, you need to calm down,” she said evenly, “Breathe, you need to breathe,” He ripped his arms away from her. He didn’t want to breathe.

“Get off me,” He gritted out.

“I think you need some clonazepam. I know Dr. Sloan prescribed it as needed,” she said. Rafael wanted to argue, but he was having some major anxiety. He didn’t question the pills she put into his hand, gulping them down with water. He was still freaking out, but they finally started to take effect and he felt tired. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael struggles with new and old traumas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Warning-There’s some serious child abuse flashbacks/nightmares and non con in this chapter.* I’m sooorrrryyy. I know I’m awful, but it just happened. Please don’t hate me *hides from angry readers and their pitch forks* it’s gonna get better tho, I promise. This fic is pretty dark tho just in general. Let me know what you think....poor Rafael

_He was laying under the covers, shaking. He knew what was coming. Tripping and knocking a whiskey bottle off the coffee table was not his best moment. The door creaked open, footsteps approaching the bed. “Sit up,” the order was hissed and Rafael didn’t dare disobey. He didn’t waste any time, dragging Rafael’s pants down, and he slipped a hand in the little boy’s boxers. Rafael groaned despite himself, he was so sensitive, his hips bucking up. “You like that you little slut?” Rafael could feel shame burning like fire. This was so wrong, why did it feel good? He didn’t want it, but he couldn’t stop the involuntary noises coming from his mouth or the movement of his hips. He felt warm tears starting to leak from his eyes. A tight stroke with a twisting motion at the end made him cry out. “Rafael,”_

“Rafael,” he blinked, the world was spinning, his vision hazy and the warmth pooling in his abdomen wasn’t a dream or a flashback. Someone was actually stroking his dick. It had to be you, but he vaguely remembered that you were upset with him about something. He was so confused, his brain felt hazy and he could do little more than move his hips slightly to get more friction, “I thought you’d never wake up,” that made him freeze. That wasn’t your voice. He forced his eyes open, trying to clear his vision enough to see what was going on and then he felt a sinking feeling of dread. It was the nurse. She had his sweatpants bunched up at his thighs and was stroking him just enough to make his hips roll.

“Stop,” He whispered, weakly swatting at her hands, but she easily brushed his hands away and everything was spinning. The clonazepam shouldn’t have wiped him out this much. How many pills had he taken? Four? Usually he only had one. He could barely remember. “Please, I don’t want you to,” Her grip tightened around him and oh God, it felt so good. He couldn’t stop the groan from escaping his lips.

“Really? It sounds like you like it, and it sure feels like you like it Rafi,” the way she said his name was almost mocking.

“Oh--oh fuck, please stop,” tears were welling up in his eyes, the burning sensation of crying tickling the back of his throat. He was slipping in and out of awareness, his brain feeling so muddled up. What day was it? It felt like this had been going on forever. His consciousness was filled with pleasure, his body reacting to the teasing touches. It was a constant push and pull between the visceral, raw arousal and his brain screaming at him that it was so wrong. He didn’t want her to be touching him, he didn’t want her. She was violating his trust. “No,” he whispered, starting to sob as she tugged on him roughly, her thumb swirling around the head of his cock. “Y/N,” he sobbed. He wanted to you to come and save him, to make it stop. His entire world felt like it was spinning out of control one thing at a time. First he was faced with the prospect of losing you, then he got himself shot, then he was a fucking moron, and now--now she was assaulting him. Rafael thrashed around on the bed the best he could, trying desperately to get away until her grip on him tightened so much he cried out in pain.

“Shut up, I know you’re enjoying it. Lay still,” she hissed. He had to collapse back on the bed and hold very still to try and get her to loosen her vice grip on his dick. It hurt so bad.

“Jesus, please, please, ow. I’ll lay still, please just stop,” he finally begged. She laughed softly, her touch becoming feather light.

“See, I knew you’d come around. You’re a very smart man, what was your GPA at Harvard?” She had started up the slow pace again and his sobs were hitching in his throat, little hiccups escaping him. She tightened her grip again when he didn’t answer. “I asked you a question,”

“Thr--Three Nine,” he exclaimed, his face feeling like it was on fire. He was sweating and his head hurt. How did she know he went to Harvard? He panted, clutching the sheets as she started to get serious, her touches more purposeful. She loosened her fingers just enough that he had to roll his hips to get any satisfying friction. He tried to will them to stay on the bed, she had said to lay still, but they were rising of their volition, his jaw going slack until he fell into the impeding cloud of an orgasm, cum covering his shirt and pants and practically going everywhere. He sagged on the bed, closing his mouth for a second before letting it fall open and panting in breaths. He was so tired, but she was still stroking him, milking his body for everything it had. Her fingers were causing him pain now, over sensitive, unbearable pain. It felt like she had skinned his dick. He sobbed with every languid pull until she finally let him go. He hissed, feeling drool leaking from his mouth onto the pillow. He felt ill, like he was going to puke all over himself. His heart was beating so fast, it was uncomfortable. How fast was too fast before it would stop again. His ribs were already broken from the CPR, making everything even more painful. He groaned, the pain overwhelming his mind. He barely managed to roll onto his side before he became violently ill, vomiting everywhere, and then his head hit the pillow and he was out cold.

………………………

_Cold. Everything was cold. The pitter patter of the pouring rain beat down on the stone. He rested his face on the wet ground, sniffling and laying limp. He couldn’t bear to move. The loud sound of thunder exploded in the sky. He was shaking. Why did it hurt here, it wasn’t supposed to hurt. He looked down onto the beach that was below the cave, it was empty. You weren’t there anymore and he was alone. He was shivering, so he pushed himself up into a sitting position, rubbing his hands over his bare skin to try and warm himself. He was farther away from you than ever before. He looked around the cave, it was bleak and empty, but being alone was better than….he shivered. He didn’t want to think about that at all. He struggled to get up to his feet, exploring the cave. In the corner there was a little plastic tub that he opened with little difficulty. There were folded up clothes that he pulled on and a blanket. When he looked to the other corner, there were bricks and a bucket with a sticky, thick liquid. He dragged them toward the entrance of the cave. He needed to wall himself in for protection. His felt fragile and another blow was out of the question. One more thing would shatter him into irreparable pieces. Another strike of lightning and he thought he heard the sound of a crying baby. A baby. That didn’t make any sense, but nothing did anymore, “Rafael,”_

“Rafael,” He jerked awake, his head pounding,

“Please don’t,” he begged, curling in on himself. He half expected to still be covered in sticky, dried cum, but he had on clean, new clothes.

“Barba, it’s just me,” he knew that voice, it was familiar, but he couldn’t place it. He was shivering, and he yanked away when a hand touched his back. “Barba, it’s Sonny,”

“Carisi?” he asked softly, trying to calm his breathing as he relaxed. Sonny was standing beside his bed, Gabriella cradled in his arms. She was asleep and looked happy. “Where’s Y/N?”

“She’s at home, I thought I’d bring Gabriella to visit you,” he explained. There was a sinking feeling of dread in Rafael’s gut. You were really upset with him. How was he supposed to tell you what had just happened. It wasn’t like you’d believe him. He needed to just get over it and fix everything. Why did he feel like he was falling apart inside. He looked at Sonny holding his daughter and remembered the last time he held her in his arms. She had been crying, and he didn’t want to make her cry. He ruined everything he touched, and he couldn’t bear to ruin a child. Rafael ran a hand through his hair, laying his head down and starting at the wall. He tried to hold back tears. “Do you want to hold her?” Yes, yes he did, but he didn’t want to hurt her.

“No, that’s okay,” he whispered. He wanted to go back to his safe space, to his cave where he could hide from the world. A knock on the door startled him, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw her. Sonny watched him carefully as he froze.

“Rafael, Dr. Sloan wanted me to come check your incision, can you take your shirt off for me?” she asked softly like nothing at all had happened. He didn’t answer, but she came closer anyways, “Rafael, come on, I need to look and make sure you don’t have an infection,”

“Don’t touch me,” he hissed, lashing out, but he still felt weak from the drugs. She reached for his shirt, but thankfully Sonny stepped in,

“I don’t think you should do that,” he advised her, “Give him some time to cool off and come back later,” Rafael couldn’t bring himself to care about anything after that. He just laid in bed, staring at the wall and numbly taking in his surroundings. He couldn’t even pretend to care about whatever Sonny was saying, instead, trying to return to his safe place. He hated that he would randomly dissociate when he wanted to be aware and then when he needed an escape, he couldn’t will himself into one. How had all of this even happened? It seemed like just the other day you had been trying to get pregnant, and he was happy. Everything had been so much better for so long, and this plunge back into the darkness was overwhelming. All he could feel was hopelessness. How was he supposed to rectify his life at this point? He needed to, but he had absolutely no idea how. He needed to be strong for his daughter, and that thought just made him more disgusted with himself. He was laying down, drowning in self pity instead of holding her and telling her how much he loved her. He had demons before, but they were bearable. Now, he felt like he was never going to feel okay again. He barely noticed the warm tears that were leaking from his eyes until a hand was on his arm and he flinched.

“It’s just me Rafael,” it was Sonny’s voice, so he relaxed, “What do you need right now? A tissue?” Why the hell would he need a tissue? “Does something hurt? Why are you crying?” He couldn’t answer, instead starting to cry harder. Sonny’s hand was on his shoulder, and Rafael felt so small. Then there was a knock on the door and he wanted to pull himself together, but he was breaking down.

“Hey Rafa,” It was Liv’s voice and, damn it, he didn’t want her to see him like this. She graciously was quiet, sitting beside him and holding his hand. “Carisi, can you give us a minute?” Besides you, Liv was absolutely his best friend. Despite their occasional spats, there was always the unspoken knowledge that they had each other’s back. So as Rafael laid there, unable to hold in his sobs, he clutched Liv’s hand and felt a little better. Liv stroked his bicep, not talking until he was sufficiently calmed down. He was hiccuping and furiously scrubbing his eyes. “Anything you want to talk about?” He shook his head no, if he told Liv then it would be a big thing and you would find out. “I know everything is spinning out of control, and you’ve been through a lot, but you can make it through this,” Rafael just wanted to erase the last month of his life. “I’m only a call away if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay,” He whispered, and he appreciated it more than he could articulate.

“I would’ve come to visit you sooner, but Noah got sick and I didn’t want to share germs,” she explained, making him laugh. “He wants to come visit you,” Rafael smiled at that. He had been spending time with Noah when he could, taking him out for lunch a few times. If you asked him what the little boy saw in him that he loved so much, he wouldn’t be able to answer, but he had quickly grown fond of Noah.

“I don’t think I’m in any shape to see him right now. I’d probably scare him,” Rafael replied softly. He didn’t want Noah to see him so broken.

“Well, if you decide you want some company, I’m sure he would be glad to come in here and color with you,” Liv said with a smile, and it was almost sad how attractive that sounded.

“You have no idea how good that sounds to me right now. Maybe when I’m feeling a bit better,” he whispered. Liv moved to sit on the edge of his bed,

“Is it okay if I give you a hug?” she asked gently, and she was the first person to ask before touching him. He nodded, leaning into her arms and trying not to cry again. Her hands smoothing over his back made him feel safer. He leaned his head on her shoulder,

“I wanted to ask you a question,” he whispered, “I’ve been meaning to ask you this for awhile now actually,”

“What’s up Rafa?” she asked, pulling away.

“You want to be my ‘best man’ at the wedding?” he asked softly, and Liv smiled,

“Do you even have to ask?” she replied, making him smile genuinely for the first time in forever.

“That is if there’s a wedding at all,” his voice was so soft. He felt so ashamed of what had happened, and he wished that somehow, he could take it back. The look on your face had been so heartbreaking for him to see. Liv rubbed his arm again,

“What’s going on?” she asked gently,

“I did something really dumb is all, but I’m gonna fix it. I--I have to fix it,” he whispered, leaning his head back against the pillow. Liv squeezed his arm,

“I’m sure you two will work it out. You need anything right now?” she asked. He didn’t want her to leave, desperately, he wanted someone to stay with him, but that was way too much to ask. He grabbed her hand, holding onto it for a few more minutes, trying to calm himself down,

“Come back tomorrow?” he finally asked. Even if it was just for a half hour, it would make a difference. Liv stood up, pulling the chair closer and sitting down beside him,

“Of course I will. I’ll bring you lunch,” Liv offered with a smile, “Carmen sent these from your office,” She pulled out a few of his books, setting them on the nightstand, “She’s been asking about you, didn’t want to intrude, but she was worried,”

“I’ll have to call and thank her,” he said with a weak smile. He toyed with his blanket, starting to feel panic creep up on him once more. Liv was going to leave soon, and then he’d be all alone.

“Do you want me to read to you? You could try to fall asleep,” she asked gently. He considered refusing on the principle of it, he wasn’t a little kid and he should be able to take care of himself, but it sounded so nice.

“You don’t have to,” he finally whispered, but Liv could tell that wasn’t a no.

“Well I want to, lay back and shut your eyes,” she had taken over mothering duty, but he didn’t mind at all, not when he was crumbling like this. He shut his eyes, and Liv started reading from his copy of A Farewell to Arms. “In the late summer of that year we lived in a house in a village that looked across the river and the plain to the mountains. In the bed of the river there were pebbles and boulders, dry and white in the sun, and the water was clear and swiftly moving and blue in the channels. Troops went by the house and down the road and the dust they raised powdered the leaves of the trees. The trunks of the trees too were dusty and the leaves fell early that year and we saw the troops march-   
ing along the road and the dust rising and leaves, stirred by the breeze, falling and the soldiers marching and afterward the road bare and white except for the leaves.” As he listened to the familiar words, the darkness of sleep began to pull him down into its shadows.

_Eyes glued to the flickering shadows on the wall, Rafael told himself it didn’t hurt. He wanted to let his face fall into the pillow to hide the tear tracks, but he was too afraid to move. Two meaty fingers were shoved inside of him, a slick hand wrapped around his cock, hot, disgusting breath on the back of his neck. This was his “reward” for staying quiet the night before, but Rafael just wanted it to stop. He told himself it was better than getting fucked, but he still felt dirty and ashamed as a moan was torn from his throat. His hips were rocking forward into the tight grasp that shot jolts of pleasure through his body but felt so wrong. He hated himself for the tightly coiled pressure growing in his abdomen. Tears were dripping onto the pillow, “Stop,” he whispered, he couldn’t help himself._

_“Stop? I’m gracious enough to make you feel good and you want me to stop?” He shoved another finger in along with the first two, tearing a sob from Rafael’s lips. His thrusting was rougher now. He almost wished that he was bent over the bed right now because it would be less confusing. It wouldn’t feel good. The conflicting emotions were too much for him to bear, pain he could take. Pain wasn’t confusing. If he came, did that mean he wanted it? “I know you like this, you can’t help but rut your pretty little cock into Papi’s hand,”_

_“No, please don’t,” he whispered, clutching the sheets, he hated it. It made him feel so dirty inside._

Rafael awoke with a start, tears dripping down his face. He could barely breathe and his hands were shaking. He scrambled for his phone, and he was halfway to dialing your number when he remembered you were angry at him and rightfully so. He set it down. He wasn’t going to call Liv again, she had just been there, and his mother was surely at work. He had no one. He squeezed his eyes shut.

_Brick after brick, layers of mortar. He needed to seal off the entrance to be alone; to protect himself. The storm was only going to get worse. His brick wall from before had been too fragile, built by a boy to young to block everything out. It had crumbled, but this one would be permanent. This one would be enough to protect him. He was interrupted by crying coming from somewhere in the cave. He froze, having thought he was alone. Where was that coming from? He searched for a few moments, until there was a little carseat, Gabriella strapped inside. Rafael picked her up, cradling her to his body like he couldn’t in real life. He bounced her until she stopped crying. She looked up at him like he was her hero, and he wanted to cry because he loved her so much. She was his anchor. He needed to build the wall to protect them both, and you if he could possibly ever get you back. The wet stone dug into his skin as he knelt down, building his safe haven brick by brick, the soft sound of his singing mingling with the occasional clap of thunder as he worked, Gabriella asleep beside him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg I’m so excited and idk if I’ll sleep tonight....I’m nervous af but so excited.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS IM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!! I’m so excited and nervous all at once. i’ve Barely eaten today. 2 hours! 2 HOURS! This is intense again, I’m sorry. There’s more noncon. I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think! I promise it’ll get better after this

You were sitting in the living room, trying to relax while Sonny was at the hospital with the baby. You were still supposed to be taking it easy which made the detective an absolute lifesaver. He had been sleeping on the couch and helping with Gabriella while you tried to rest. She was a handful, and you had anticipated Rafael’s full and undivided attention for a week or two, but he was still in the ICU. You couldn’t wrap your head around Rafael’s apparent emotional relationship with this nurse. He had been distraught when he explained what had happened and that alone made you suspicious. What he had described to you, while upsetting, was not anything to get furious over, but the way he was reacting to it was what concerned you. That along with the kiss. What did he do that encouraged her to kiss him? Unless she was some sort of psycho, he had to have encouraged it in some way. Things had been eerily silent from him as well. Usually, he’d be calling you repeatedly or texting you until you answered. He was willing to grovel if it meant he could fix the problem.

You weren’t sure what to do. You wanted to be angry with him; you were angry with him, but you felt like you were abandoning him when he needed you most. Brady licked your hand, so you patted his little head, turning to him, “What should I do?” You asked, but he just stared back at you. You had always told yourself you wouldn’t tolerate cheating of any kind, but you loved Rafael more than you could’ve ever imagined. It was so out of character for him. He had been so honest with you about it on top of everything, telling you as soon as he could, and it wasn’t like you would have found out otherwise. Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening.

“I picked up some groceries on the way home!” Sonny’s voice carried through the house from the door. He was home already? He hadn’t left that long ago to take Gabriella to visit Rafael in the hospital, surely not long enough to stop st the grocery store on the way back. You stood up and slowly made your way to the kitchen where he was.

“Wow, you’re back early,” you said with a smile, taking Gabriella from him. “Hey baby girl, did you have a good time with Daddy? I bet you did,” she made a little noise, staring around the room with her big green eyes. “Did Rafael feed her?” Sonny was oddly quiet, putting food in the cabinet.

“No,” he finally said softly, not providing any additional details. You looked up at him, getting some pre pumped breast milk ready for a bottle.

“Sonny what happened?” You asked, looking at him seriously. Had something happened to Rafael?

“Rafael was just, I don’t know, depressed?” He sounded unsure. He went quiet again, and it was apparent that you’d have to drag it out of him,

“Okay…” You said softly.

“He freaked out when I came in and when the nurse tried to check his incision. Then he didn’t want to hold Gabriella and he was crying. I don’t know,” Your heart sunk at that. He was clearly not okay right now, not by any means, and your desire to take that pain away was fighting with your anger. You headed to the living room and started to feed Gabriella. You couldn’t stop imagining him, scared and distressed and all by himself. When he had been in the hospital before, he was so miserable, and afterwards he had told just how grateful he was to have you there with him. You had left him alone all day in a place you knew he hated, and from what he said, all he had done was talk to a nurse who had kissed him. It wasn’t the other way around. If you believed him, what had happened wasn’t unreasonable and he wasn’t trying to hurt you. What was your relationship without trust? He was someone you trusted, you had since the beginning. What could possibly have made things so bad that he didn’t even want to hold Gabriella? So far, he had been clinging to her like she was his rock in the storm, and when he would get that blank look in his eyes, you wondered where his head could be. He wouldn’t talk to you no matter how hard you tried, and now he was probably terrified, seeing his life fall apart before his eyes. Well, you wouldn’t let him think that for much longer. Instead of being angry and ignoring him, you two would talk, iron out whatever it was that had happened and move on. You needed him, and he sure as hell needed you right now. You wanted to call him, but if he was asleep, you didn’t want to wake him up. He was supposed to be home, to be able to hold Gabriella and realize how amazing he was going to be. You just knew he was going to be the best father; you needed him to see it. “Liv was with him when I left,” Sonny startled you, coming into the room and sitting down beside you with Brady in his arms. “Then we went to the grocery store,”

“I don’t know what to do to help him,” You whispered, “I can’t take him out of the hospital, and he hates it there more than anything,” you tilted the bottle up more, looking down at your daughter and trying not to cry. “We have to help Daddy baby girl,” you whispered, “He really needs us right now,” Her little eyes were giant, just like his. You opened the blanket up that Sonny had her swaddled in and laughed immediately at her onesie. It was white and had a scale on the front, the text reading Attorney Work Product. Rafael had thought it was hilarious, so he bought it, bringing it home for you to see. He had been so excited for so many reasons, but everything just went wrong. Sonny gently rubbed your back,

“He’s gonna be okay,” he whispered softly, “I know all of this is scary, but Rafael isn’t just going to roll over and give up,”

“I know, but I can’t stop worrying about him. He doesn’t seem like himself at all. He seems like he’s only half there,” you admitted. He barely smiled even when you visited, and the Rafael you knew would disappear into someone so hurt and so small, you didn’t even recognize him. You wanted to help him. A little cry from Gabriella captured your attention, you’d have to visit him tomorrow.

…………………………

Rafael woke up to an empty room. Again. He paged through his book, trying desperately to distract himself from thinking about it. He couldn’t breathe when he remembered her hand wrapped tightly around him as he tried to get her to stop. He begged her, but she was insistent, and how was he supposed to tell anyone. No one would believe him. A woman sexually assaulting a man was not something any district attorney would like to take to trial despite the Special Victims Unit’s pushing. Besides, it was only a Class A Misdemeanor anyways. It wasn’t worth getting worked up over, and it wasn’t worth crying about. He slammed the book down, hating the tears on his cheeks. Why the fuck was he crying? Rafael rolled on his side, shutting his eyes and sniffling. His chest ached with every breath, and he had to shift around to relieve the pressure on his broken ribs. He needed to stop, to be strong.

“Rafa, sorry I’m a couple minutes late. There was a line at Forlini’s. I brought you your favorite burger and fries,” Liv sounded out of breath, and judging by her words, she hadn’t noticed his blubbering. He hid his face. “Hey, are you okay?” she asked softly. He bit his lip, trying frantically to hold in his breathless sobs. Liv’s fingers tangled in his hair, running them through his locks and down his back. “Let it out, it’s okay,” Then he was weeping in her arms, and hysterically clutching at her shirt. He was so upset, he couldn’t even try to apologize. She quietly let him work through it, brushing his hair back from his face when he was done.

“Liv,” he whispered, “I’m so sorry. You just seem to keep catching me a bad time,”

“Don’t think a thing of it, sit up,” she helped him get comfortable, and then opened his food up for him to start eating.

“Talk to me about a case or something. I’m dying a slow and painful death in here from boredom,” he tried to sound snarky or sarcastic or even just a little bit like his usual self, so he hated how watery his voice sounded.

“Well, the current ADA got goosed by a perp the other day,” he could tell Liv was trying to make him, laugh, but he didn’t find that funny at the moment. He forced out a soft laugh anyways. “This you might like though,” she proceeded to tell him about a very complex legal argument that the defense team was starting to make and usually he’d be itching to try that case, but he surprised himself by not caring. He didn’t care about anything anymore; he felt numb.

“So the squad hasn’t exploded without us?” He said teasingly, this time managing to keep his voice even.

“You would’ve thought so, but we’re managing. Amanda would like Carisi back though when you can spare him from babysitter duty. She’s not a big fan of the interim detective I have right now,” Liv’s voice playful, and he was thankful that she knew him so well. She knew what he needed to hear.

“I’m sure you can survive without Carisi,” he eventually said, adding a little snort to try and make it believable. He was thinking for ten minutes to come up with something to say when usually he’d have an answer immediately. Liv covered his hand with her’s. Rafael slowly started to pick at his food and Liv entertained him with stories, but he was really only clinging to her presence in the room. Just having someone there with him made him feel so much better, but she could only stay with him for so long. Rafael drew it out as long as he could, clutching her hand when she started to stand up. He made himself let go, he wasn’t going to be a burden. “I-Thank you for spending lunch with me,” he whispered, and Liv just smiled,

“It was my pleasure. Now you get some rest cause I’m gonna need you back at work as soon as you’re healthy,” she winked at him, leaning down for a quick hug before leaving him all alone once more. He could feel his chest starting to heave once more as he sat there, why couldn’t he get a grip? He picked up his book again, but the words were running together on the page. His phone started to buzz beside him, but before he could take a look at it, his attention was consumed by the person walking into his room.

“No, no, get away from me,” he said, panic overtaking him. He eyed the nurse call button, but he wasn’t sure what that would do for him anyways. His hands were shaking so much.

“Oh, Rafi, baby,” she cooed, “Don’t be like that,” He ripped his arm away from her touch, feeling like he was going to be sick. He didn’t like the way she was eyeing him up, her eyes dark like she wanted to devour him. He scrambled for his phone, trying to dial your number, because oh god, he needed help, but then there was a sharp prick in his thigh and he started to feel weak and confused. She grabbed his phone, tsking at him before setting it down. Rafael wanted to scream, but he felt like he could barely talk. He watched helplessly as she shut the door, locking it with a chilling click. He hadn’t even known his door could lock. Her hand on his thigh made him feel ill, like his skin was crawling. She pushed his legs apart, climbing on the bed and crushing his lips with hers, her hand stroking through his hair, “Mm, your hair is so perfect,” she whispered.

“Don’t--No--please,” he pleaded, knowing it was useless. She kissed him again, silencing his protests, and then her hand was rubbing him through his joggers, and he felt his cock twitching. He tried to remind himself that he was only human; what was it that Liv said? It was escaping his mind at the moment. He let out a broken sob as she grasped him tightly, kneading and palming him until he was writhing and begging her to stop.

“You want me to stop?” she asked softly. He felt so dizzy, he needed to close his eyes.

“Please stop,” he managed to croak. She leaned in for one more kiss, but she stopped touching him thankfully. He tried to push her away, but she was insistent. She got up from the bed, and he thought maybe, she might just leave, and that brought the terrifying thought of laying there with a boner, helpless to do anything until someone found him, but he would take that in a heartbeat as the alternative was much more horrifying. He watched with dismay as she started to strip. “No, please, please don’t do that,”

“Don’t be afraid Rafael, I know you are gonna feel so good,” she whispered, starting to hook her fingers in his pants. She dragged them down to his knees, fondling his balls for just a second. Then, she walked over toward the counter, and he let out an agonized noise that was halfway between a moan and a sob. “Don’t worry baby, I’ll be right back,” she promised, but god, he didn’t want her to come back. He wanted her to stop touching him. When she came at him with a big needle, he tried to scramble away. “Shhh, stay still, I’m just gonna take the catheter out,” It was a lot of pressure, and then he was shaking and going soft. He felt so uncomfortable. “That’s okay, I know. I don’t like needles either,” She started to stroke him again, her thumb brushing over the vein on the bottom of his cock. Then her thumb swirled across the head, smearing precome everywhere. He mewled, feeling himself twitch. His vision was blinded by tears, but he didn’t miss her moving to straddle him. She held him steady, sinking down onto him and he felt dizzy as blinding heat enveloped him. He tried to push her off, but she settled his hands on her hips. She started to rock on him slowly, and all he could do was pray that it would be over soon. His brain was a confusing haze of panic and desperation.

“N-no,” he whispered, scratching at her as much as he could, he couldn’t take it.

“Ohh,” she said with a giggle, leaning down so her breasts were right in his line of sight, “You like it rough baby,” No he most certainly did not, not from her at least. She grabbed his wrists, pinning them above his head and Jesus, just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

_It was so much better when he was on his hands and knees or his stomach, not on his back, staring up at the drunk man who was plowing into him, pinning his arms above his head. This felt so much more personal, he couldn’t pretend it wasn’t happening because it was assaulting all his senses at once. He could hear those noises that haunted his dreams, he could smell the booze, the cigar smoke that was seeping from his father’s skin, he could feel the hot breath, the fingers digging into his hips as they were tilted up, he could taste his own tears as they dripped down into his mouth, and he could see the beads of sweat collecting on his father’s red face, the screwed up look of ecstasy and the the glassy bloodshot eyes._

She smacked him hard. He blinked. There was now a sharp pain in his head, the left side where his stitches were. It was distracting him from everything else. It was aching and pulsating and he vaguely realized that was really bad, but didn’t have the awareness to do anything about it. He squeezed his eyes closed, but she smacked him again, “Look up here,” she whispered and his hips were rising on their own, his body wound up as tight as a bow string and desperate for release. He started crying and begging her to stop touching him, but it was largely hopeless. She was grinding down on him roughly and he couldn’t help the way his body was reacting. The tightly coiled pleasure in his abdomen, the need to come. He couldn’t breathe. He struggled,

“I’m gonna—” He whispered hoarsely, not remembering if she had slid a condom on him or not. He thought not.

“That’s right Rafi, come for me. I’m not on the pill in case you were wondering, wouldn’t it just be great if we had a baby,” He had never been so terrified of something in his life. He tried to hold off on his orgasm as long as he could, but she was determined to wring it out of him. He scrunched up his face, panting roughly and letting out a low whine as he finally gave in. He sagged on the bed and she dragged his hand up to her clit, “Rub,” she said softly. He let out a whimper, shaking his head. The warm heat around his oversensitive flesh made him squirm in pain. “I’m not moving until you do it,” she warned, so with a little, broken sob, he did as she asked. He just wanted this all to be over. “Fuck, I knew you’d be so good for me,” He sucked in a sharp breath as he she came, clenching around him, and god, that hurt. He dropped his head back, his eyes filling with tears as she got off him, gently wiping him with something. He curled in on himself, feeling utterly humiliated. He felt so helpless and exposed, and he wanted to go home. Why was his whole life flipping upside down? He felt another little prick in his thigh and started to pass out, his head feeling airy. He felt a little like he was floating. He groaned, eyes starting to roll back in his head.

_The entrance of the cave was mostly blocked off, and Rafael needed to take a break. He held Gabriella in his arms, kissing her forehead, and rocking her back and forth. She was all he had left. Everything else was stolen from him, and he was desperate to feel safe and secure once more. He couldn’t breathe anymore. Gabriella looked up at him, trust in her little eyes. He was all she had. The light pouring in from the small opening suddenly went dark, and he whipped around. When he saw who it was though, his face melted into a relieved smile. “Y/N,” he whispered, rushing to you. You opened your arms, holding him close, and he breathed in the smell of your perfume. “Everything is going to be okay Rafael, I promise,” you whispered, “She won’t touch you ever again,” He didn’t even want to talk about that. He just wanted to pretend it was all a bad dream._

_“Please,” he whispered, “Make it go away,”_

_“I’m going to make everything better,” you promised, heading over and starting to seal the wall._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You head to rafael’s hospital room and immediately know something is wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chess was AMAZING. Raúl was absolutely incredible, his voice is so great in person (and he is waaayyy more attractive—those cameras don’t do him justice). His new hair do is so good. The show actually made sense which is a plus and everything from the four leads to the supporting cast was awesome imo. I enjoyed it so much. I got some really great pictures of Raúl leaving stage with Karen Olivo. Afterwards, I got pictures with Ruthie Ann Miles and waited around for Raúl til about 1 am when Ramin came out. Got a pic with him and he said Raúl had already left. I talked with Bradley Dean (Molokov) and he said Raúl was likely resting cause he’s on vocal rest...idk what for. He seemed a bit sick maybe? Idk. I was sad cause I came to see Raúl, but Bradley and his wife were so sweet. She wanted him to text Raúl for me, but he wasn’t about to and I asked him not to because the poor guy was probably sleeping and I didn’t want to inconvenience him. He surely had a good reason for not stagedooring teo nights in a row when he usually does. Anyways, I had an awesome time, I’ll have to try to meet Raúl again another time. Long rant over....
> 
> I hope you all enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think and thanks so much for reading! :)

You stood at the door, feeling unsure of yourself. How were you supposed to help him when he was literally falling apart? You needed to find a way to fix this for him. You steeled yourself to see him. Hopefully, would be awake and ready for this conversation. If he wasn’t already too traumatized, you wanted to make a point by giving him the ring back and asking him to promise you he wouldn’t be unfaithful before you accepted it again and you started fresh. It was simply for your peace of mind, and you knew he would keep his promise. You took one last breath before pushing the door open, and at first glance, Rafael looked to be asleep. As you stepped the closer, the room smelled like sweat and urine. You put a hand on his arm, and he made a low, mumbling protest, his eyes just barely opening. He started to struggle, muffled pleas falling from his lips. His face was stained with tear tracks, and when he opened his eyes, they looked glassed over. “Oh my God, Rafael,” you breathed, rubbing his arm. It took a minute before you realized his sweatpants were stained with a big wet spot and what could only be semen was dried on the bed and his stomach. He felt clammy and he looked a lot more than out of it. “Did they take your catheter out?” You asked softly.

“Make it stop,” he begged, his voice rough. He was groping around for you, desperately pleading for help.

“What the hell did they do to you?” You whispered, taken aback. “Shh, I’m right here. I’m going to fix everything. It’s okay,”

“Y/N,” He croaked, and when you looked at his eyes, they were filled with tears and he wouldn’t meet your gaze. He was shaking and he did little more than groan when you started to try and get his soiled pants off of him. You covered his exposed skin with a sheet, kissing his hand,

“I will be right back Raf. It’s gonna be okay,” you whispered. You wanted to clean him up now, but you were concerned about what possibly could have happened while you left him here alone. You didn’t want to disturb any evidence. You pulled out your phone, dialing the familiar number as you headed to the nurses’ station.

“Hello Ma’am, what can I do for you?” A young, blonde nurse asked,

“Please page Dr. Sloan, immediately. I need to speak with him concerning my fiancé,” You said.

“Hello?” Liv’s voice filtered through the phone.

“Liv, it’s Y/N, I need you to come down to the hospital immediately please,” You whispered, “It’s Rafael,”

“Is he alright? Should I bring the squad or something?” She asked, sounding slightly panicked like she thought he was dying,

“No, please come alone. I’m concerned something happened to him while I was gone,” you said softly, “I’ll explain more when you get here,” you headed back to his room to sit with him. He seemed to only be partially aware of what was going on around him which concerned you a lot. Dr. Sloan had advised you his head was to be protected diligently because the pistol whipping had concussed him. He was sweating and whimpering softly, so you took his hand.

“So dizzy,” He whispered, his voice sounded thick and slurred like when he would come home stumbling and falling over. You sniffled, brushing his hair back,

“I know, it’s okay though baby, I’m right here, I’m not gonna let you get hurt anymore,” you promised. He started to tremor and shake, his breathing was concerning you.

“I-I can’t—” he whispered, “Breathe,”

“Shh, okay, it’s okay Raf, someone is gonna be here soon. You’re okay, try and stay calm,” you tried to keep him relaxed and calm. Thankfully, a knock on the door alerted you to Dr. Sloan’s presence.

“Hey, what’s up?” He asked softly. You angrily grabbed his arm, pulling him away from the bed to speak in hushed tones,

“Look at him, what is going on? I found him laying here, completely disoriented. Did you change his prescriptions? He didn’t have a catheter in, and he was practically sedated,” you said, trying to get some answers. Dr. Sloan looked horrified, going over to Rafael’s bed to examine him.

“Rafael, hey, can you hear me? Do you know what you took,” he asked loudly, grabbing for his wrist to feel for a pulse. Rafael groaned softly, weakly trying to say something. He eventually managed to hold up four fingers. “Four what?” He had a light now that he was shining in Rafael’s eyes.

“Cl-clonazepam,” he finally whispered.

“Oh my God, he overdosed on benzos,” the doctor whispered.

“Shot,” Rafael mumbled.

“No honey that’s over,” you whispered, “You’re okay,”

“N-no shot,” he said again pointing toward his thigh with clumsy movements. Dr. Sloan pushed the sheet aside only slightly and saw the two needle marks.

“Rafael, who did that to you?” Dr. Sloan asked softly, smacking the nurse call button as he got some oxygen to hook up to Rafael. Rafael just stared back stupidly, looking like he didn’t understand the question. You took his hand,

“I think he needs a rape kit,” you said softly, rubbing his wrist gently. Dr. Sloan looked at you, his eyes wide. “There’s semen here on the bed and dried on his pants,” you explained softly, and the doctor nodded.

“I’m going to get to the bottom of this. This is my worst nightmare,” he told you before turning to Rafael, “Hey Rafael, you’re gonna be okay. I promise,” A nurse came running in, and you felt like you recognized her. “I need a Flumazenil injection prepared immediately,”

“Of course Dr. Sloan,” Rafael stiffened beside you. As she left, he started to tap you. You leaned down to try and hear him,

“What is it baby?” You asked gently.

“D-Don’t let her touch me, please,” he begged. You looked up at Dr. Sloan, eyes wide. His jaw was practically on the floor.

“I’m going to have another nurse get the injection. I assume you’ve called the police?” He asked softly.

“Yeah they’re on their way,” you replied, holding tight to Rafael and trying not to cry. This was the last thing he needed at the moment, and suddenly all his behavior was concerning to you. How had you gotten angry with him over the kiss? Obviously this lady was a psycho who had attacked him, and guilt was starting to consume you. You kissed his sweat slicked forehead. “When you wake up, everything is going to be better,” you whispered.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, grabbing onto your arm weakly. “Don’t leave me, I—”

“Shh, I know, I’m gonna stay right here. Just relax baby,” you assured him, “You’re okay, I promise,” He started to cry again, so you rubbed your hand up and down his arm. Running your fingers through his hair was usually relaxing for him, so you started to do that, but he yanked away. “Okay, okay, it’s alright,” Finally a nurse appeared with the injection he needed, and Rafael started to panic, trying to get away from the needle,

“Rafael, it’s Dr. Sloan, you’re gonna feel a little pinch, but this is going to help you okay?” He said gently. He settled down, squeezing his eyes closed. He clung to your hand desperately as they gave him the injection. You got him a tissue and they started to get things together for the rape kit. While they set up the sheets, you wiped the snot from his face, cleaning him up so he would hopefully feel more comfortable.

“Rafa,” you whispered gently, “The doctors are gonna take some swabs and blood just to get evidence, okay?” He nodded, his eyes looking glassy with tears. One nurse started taking his blood, another gathering up his clothing. Hissing softly as the cold air hit his skin, he bit his lip, trying to hold in some tears as a nurse looked over his genitals.

“You have some bruising Mr. Barba, we’re just going to take a few pictures,” she explained. Tears began to leak from his eyes once more. A few snaps and flashes of light later and they were moving on to take a picture of the red mark on his cheek.

“I know,” you whispered, “Breathe honey. Is it okay if I touch your hair?”

“Okay,” He whispered. You gently ran your fingers through his dark locks as they started to swab under his fingernails. He leaned into your touch, shutting his eyes again.

“A quick swab of your genitals okay?” The nurse asked gently.

“Okay,” his voice was so soft and so broken, your heart felt like it was going to crumble. He scrunched his face up, letting out a heart wrenching sob as they worked.

“You’re doing so great Rafael, just a little bit more,” you murmured, trying not to cry yourself. He needed you so badly right now to be the strong one. There was a soft knock on the door and you quickly turned around, ready to shield him from prying eyes. It was only Liv. “Hey,” you whispered, “I’ll be right back, are you okay here for just a couple minutes?”

“No, no, stay, please, please stay,” he sobbed, panicking and grabbing for your arm.

“Rafael, I need you to lay still,” Dr. Sloan whispered.

“Okay, okay, shhh, I won’t go,” You promised, patting his arm,“Can I talk to Liv for just a second in the room?”

“L-Liv’s here?” He looked so tired and confused about everything.

“Yeah, I called her. Is it okay if she’s in here?” You were trying to make him feel in control of something. Feeling helpless and vulnerable was terrifying and one of the worst parts of the time immediately following assault. He nodded softly, squeezing your hand before letting go.

“Okay Rafael, can you open your mouth for me? I just want to make sure everything is okay,” You forced yourself to step away from him, so you could speak with Liv.

“Thank you for coming,” you said softly, and she nodded, looking extremely concerned.

“Is he alright? What happened? I just saw him yesterday,” she asked in a hushed tone. You shook your head,

“You better ask him. I think the nurse assaulted him,” you finally said softly, “He’s a mess right now,”

“Oh my God,” Liv sighed, starting over toward the bed, “Hey Rafa, it’s just me,”

“Liv, don’t look at me like this,” he whispered, closing his eyes, “I’m so messed up. I screwed up,” She rubbed his shoulder,

“Don’t say that Rafael, no matter what happened, it’s not your fault,” she said, trying to comfort him, “Can you tell me about it?”

“I need to take some hair samples Rafael, this might hurt a little bit,” Dr. Sloan said softly.

“You’re doing it out of order?” Liv asked.

“I wasn’t sure how much he’d let me get through, so we did the more important stuff first,” he explained. Rafael whimpered as they started plucking hairs from his head. He grabbed for your hand. He looked exhausted at this point, tears pouring from his eyes. Liv gently touched his face, focusing his gaze on her.

“Tell me about what happened,” she repeated, “It can stay between us if that’s what you want, and you don’t have to decide now,” You held tight to his hand, rubbing your thumb across his wrist and veins. Rafael sniffled softly.

“Y/N was at home with Gabriella, and I felt so lonely. I was just sitting here in bed, trying to distract myself, and then I had to do these breathing exercises, and she--she would rub my back while I did them when I was alone,” he laughed bitterly, “I should have known,”

“Why? You had no reason to assume the worst about someone who was being kind to you,” Liv replied, and Rafael looked away.

“She said she was going to bring me pudding and in return, she wanted a story. I wanted someone to talk to, and I hadn’t eaten anything solid in days,” he paused, sucking in a sharp breath as they yanked out some more hair. “I--I got a bad feeling, but I wanted to be nice, so I told her the story. Before I could do anything, she kissed me, and I told her I wasn’t interested,”

“And when did that happen Rafa, you’re doing so good right now,” Liv said.

“A-A couple days ago? I don’t know how long I was drugged,”

“It was Wednesday.” You clarified. He looked to you for a moment, and you nodded, encouraging him to continue talking.

“I felt-I felt guilty like I had cheated because I invited her into my room to talk and—I basically told Y/N that I had done that and she was upset with me. She left, and I was hysterical. I-I thought I had lost everything,” his voice was so soft. You squeezed his hand, but he went quiet.

“I know this is hard Rafael, but I need to know what happened,” Liv prodded after a few moments.

“She told me I need to calm down and gave me some pills, which I took. The next thing—the next thing I remember is waking up to her stroking me. I was weak and dizzy and the room was spinning, but I tried to stop her. I asked her to please stop, but she laughed at me and told me it sure felt like I was enjoying myself. God, why couldn’t I have gone soft?” He sobbed softly.

“You know that doesn’t mean anything Rafa, it’s your body’s biological response. Arousal does not mean consent,” Liv reminded him. The doctors were starting to clean up, and you wanted to find him a fresh pair of clothes.

“I’m gonna get you some new clothes to wear, and once you finish talking to Liv, we’ll get you a shower,” you said gently before stepping away to dig through his bag. You pulled out a new pair of sweatpants that you had just bought him because his old ones were too big around the waist at the moment. His boxer briefs and a soft black shirt completed the outfit.

“I-I was struggling as much as I could, but everything was blurring together. She started being rougher and she squeezed me so tight, it hurt. I-I think that’s what the bruising is from. And then I-I,” he turned red, letting his head fall back against the pillow. You had a feeling you knew where this was headed. He refused to meet your eyes, staring at the ceiling silently like he was counting the tiles. “I came,” he finally admitted. “And then I threw up everywhere and passed out,”

“Okay,” Liv said softly, “I’m so sorry that happened to you Rafael, and we’re gonna figure this out,” You stroked Rafael’s face, but something was off in his body language. He looked like he was debating saying something.

“If you’re done, that’s okay baby, but you know better than anyone, it’s essential to tell the whole story,” You prodded, knowing he was feeling vulnerable and embarrassed at the moment.

“I’m not done,” he finally whispered, wiping at his face. He shook his head, “Can-Can I finish this later? I’m feeling lightheaded,”

“Yeah, come on, let’s get you cleaned up and asleep,” you whispered, helping him to sit up. He was still hazy and shaking, but the injection seemed to have made him more aware of his surroundings. Liv handed you a paper gown to help him slip into, and then she helped you hold him up on the way to the bathroom. He was stumbling and holding onto you for dear life.

“I-I need to stop for a second,” He was winded and looked like he was going to pass out on the floor. “I-Y/N, I feel dizzy,”

“Okay baby, aright. Just breathe right now,” you said softly. Liv brought a chair over that you helped him into. “This will make you feel so much better,” you promised. Liv and you got him in the shower, and then she left you alone, promising to come back later. Rafael toyed with his gown, leaning his head back against the ceramic and trying to hold in the tears that had been flowing on and off for hours. “Put your arms up, I’ll get this gown off you,” He wordlessly followed directions, shivering on the cold bench. You turned the water on and he was quiet, but then he looked at you, his eyes looking cold and empty. You’d never seen him look like that before.

“Can I do this part alone?” He asked softly, now only sounding tired. All traces of emotion were gone from his face and from his voice. You were taken aback by the request, but if that was what he wanted, who were you to crowd him?

“Sure, I’ll be right out here if you need me okay?” You said softly, “Can I kiss you?” He nodded, looking away and you gently placed a soft kiss on his forehead, “I love you, okay?”

“I—okay,” He sucked in a sharp breath, his gaze locked on the wall. You sat in the bathroom, toying with your phone, but you couldn’t focus on anything. Eventually, you called Sonny,

“Y/N, thank God, Gabriella will not stop crying. I’ve tried everything,” he sounded exhausted and you felt so guilty.

“Oh, Sonny, I’m so sorry. Bring her to the hospital, and go home for awhile. You’ve been an incredible help. I can’t thank you enough,” you said tiredly. You stood up, pausing by the curtain, not wanting to interrupt whatever Rafael was doing, but you needed to go down stairs and wait for Gabriella. “Rafa?” You said gently. He didn’t answer. “Honey, I need to go wait for Sonny to get here with our daughter, are you almost done?”

“Is Liv still here?” He asked softly. You weren’t sure, but if you were being honest, you knew she would be back in a heartbeat if you called.

“Let me get her back here,”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I’m trying really hard, but the writing is slow going, if I miss a night of posting, that would be why. I hope you guys enjoy this and let me know what you think! Thanks :)

Rafael sat in the shower, water beating down on his skin. It wasn’t hot enough, he wanted it to be scalding, to burn away everything. He half heartedly started scrubbing at his skin, but it quickly became violent. He felt numb and cold like nothing mattered anymore. His head was spinning, but he was more than glad to be in the shower. He was sure he reeked of sex and sweat and hospital and….his eyes were burning now. No, he was fine. He wouldn’t cry. Not anymore. He leaned his head against the ceramic wall of the shower, and the cool felt nice on his aching head. The next think he knew, you were saying his name.

“Rafa,” His skin was red and blotchy, his fingers wrinkled up. How long had he been in here? His face felt sweaty, and he felt sick to his stomach again. Rafael did not want to get out of the shower though. Getting out meant having to admit to Liv and to you that more had happened to him.“Honey, I need to go wait for Sonny to get here with our daughter, are you almost done?” He could feel his hands shaking, his head was swimming.

“Is Liv still here?” He asked softly. He just wanted to hide away forever. He missed your answer, slipping back into his half aware daze. He was only vaguely aware of the various aches and pains in his body. Just a few minutes before, his head had a dull pounding sensation, his chest felt tight and as sore as always. It felt like everything hurt in some way, but now all of that was like a twinge in the back of his mind.

When he was aware again, he realized the water had gone cold and he was shivering like crazy. His teeth were chattering and there were tears leaking down his cheeks. “Hey, Rafael, are you okay in there?” That was Liv’s voice.

“I-I’m cold-really cold,” he replied, struggling to speak. He flinched as the curtain moved, but it was only Liv’s hand holding a towel out to him. He covered himself up so she could turn the water off.

“Is it okay if I open the curtain up? I’ll help you dry off,” Her voice was light and gentle and he appreciated her asking his permission. Knowing he wasn’t going to be able to do it himself, he quickly replied,

“Yeah,” he tried to hide the tremble in his voice, the way he wanted to cry his eyes out, but he couldn’t manage to disguise the brokenness that was consuming him. It was like the memory of what happened was eating him alive from the inside out. He felt like he was slowly withdrawing more and more. One second he’d be fully aware of how badly everything hurt, a feeling of nausea consuming him, but then the next he’d be blinking and realizing it was ten minutes to a half an hour later and he completely missed everything. Liv smiled at him kindly when she opened the curtain, carefully toweling off his skin. Rafael hated feeling this helpless, but he wouldn’t trust anyone but you or Liv to take care of him this way. Water was dripping from his hair, his hair. He hated it. He hated the feeling of his own skin right now, wanting nothing more than to tear it all off.

“Hey, I know you’re probably tired, but let’s just step out of the shower and I’ll help you get dressed okay?” Liv suggested, touching his face so he would look at her. He struggled up to his feet, almost slipping on the wet floor. “Hey, it’s okay, come on,” she said softly like she was coaxing a scared puppy somewhere. She got him onto the regular floor, and he was still shivering. He stepped into his boxer briefs and then an unfamiliar pair of sweatpants that fit his hips perfectly unlike many of his other pairs. The black shirt you had picked out was soft and comfortable, not putting too much pressure on his incision thankfully. Liv put his socks on for him and then helped him to the sink so he could brush his teeth. He brushed them aggressively four times, still tasting her fruity lip balm. The metallic taste of blood filled his mouth, his bloodied gums stinging and aching as he ran his tongue across his teeth. He stared down at a drop of blood that had escaped and landed on the white ceramic of the sink. The water ebbed and flowed, diluting the startling crimson into a transparent red before washing it down the drain. He found himself watching the water pour out of the faucet, mesmerized by the sound of it hitting the smooth surface of the sink. It was so loud, he felt like it should be breaking the sink. He bitterly turned it off, staring at himself in the mirror instead. He barely recognized the pale, little man who was hunched over. Those empty, dead eyes scared him. A hand on his shoulder made him jump so fast, he smacked his hip on the counter and winced. “Woah, Rafael, I’m sorry,” she said softly, backing up, holding her hands out.

“No, no, I’m sorry--I’m just tired,” he whispered.

“I’m going to go in the hallway and get the wheelchair so you don’t have to walk the whole way back. Are you okay here for a couple minutes?” She asked softly.

“Yeah, yeah of course, but uh, you know what would make me feel better?” He replied. She looked like that was the thing she wanted to do the most, and he almost felt bad for manipulating her.

“What?” she asked, “I’d be glad to get whatever you want right now,”

“A cup of coffee would be amazing,” he said, forcing a smile onto his face. She rubbed his arm, smiling,

“Okay, I’ll run out to the truck across the street because I know you don’t want hospital coffee, and then I’ll be back with the chair,” she said, and he nodded. Once he was alone, he went back over to the sink, staring at himself. His hair was wet and dripping still, but he couldn’t bring himself to towel it off. He shivered when he thought about the feeling of fingers sifting through his hair. _“Mm your hair is so perfect,” Her hand on him as his vision swam and he begged her to stop. “I knew you’d be so good,”_

“No,” he whispered, “No, stop, make it fucking stop,” he whispered, pulling on his hair. It was driving him crazy, and he couldn’t take it. He had loved it when he would come home from work and you would run your fingers through his hair at night and make everything okay. When he associated the soothing feeling with you, with home, but now that was all ruined. Rafael eyed up the scissors on the counter, trying not to cry. He grabbed them, pulling a clump of his hair tight and then snipping it. He felt angry tears flood his eyes as he rapidly cut his hair. It was uneven and horrible, but it was better than the long locks that now reminded him of his humiliation. He felt so violated. He was shaking with tears, and he dropped the scissors onto the ground, collapsing down to his knees and breaking down. He felt like he was going to throw up all over the floor again. He shut his eyes, and then it was numb again. It was like his brain had an on/off override switch, and when it decided he was overwhelmed to the point that he couldn’t handle it, bang, it turned him off. Why the hell was he so pathetic? The tile was cool against his cheek, and he counted the pieces of fuzz on the floor. A hand on his shoulder made him slowly try to inch away, but he didn’t have much fight left in him.

“Oh Rafa,” it was Liv’s voice. She moved him around, cradling his head in her lap and running a hand over his head and down his back. He didn’t move an inch. He just let her try to comfort him as he laid there, feeling empty inside. It was like everything that ever mattered to him had just been ripped away; like his whole life was just gone somehow.

“My head hurts,” He whispered eventually, realizing that that was probably a bigger deal than he’d realized. He felt disoriented and his vision was hazy.

“I’ll tell the doctor for you, let’s go back to your room okay?” She suggested, but he didn’t feel like he could move from his spot on the floor. His body was trembling in her arms. Liv helped him to sit up, “It’s going to be fine Rafael, come on, you’re gonna be alright,” She got him up into the chair and draped a blanket over his legs. She rubbed his arm as she steered him toward his room. He stared at his hands, sniffling and trying not to lose it again. He didn’t want anyone to know. He held the coffee she brought him in his hands, rubbing his fingers across the warm paper. He had spent his whole life running from what had happened to him as a child, the shame consuming him. He had been terrified to tell you, terrified that you would somehow think he was weak or disgusting for...for letting that happen to himself. He had finally been feeling okay, feeling like he could talk about it without completely losing it, and now, he let something happen to himself all over again. “Here we are Rafa, come on, let me get you in bed,” Were they already to his room? He didn’t remember any of that. He struggled up to his feet, holding tightly to Liv as he climbed under the covers. He wanted to go home. His lip started to tremble and tears dripped down his face. Liv sat next to him, guiding his face against her shirt. “I know, I know,” she whispered, her fingers running through the short hairs at the nape of his neck. He dissolved into sobs, arms winding around Liv’s midsection as he clung.

“Oh my God,” he was startled by the sound of your voice. “Rafi, what happened to your hair?” you asked softly. The next thing he knew, he was being held from both sides, hands smoothing down his hair and his shirt. He tried desperately to stop crying, but he couldn’t. All he could do was hold on tight and hope he would make it out of this somehow. His chest was aching, and his head was throbbing, particularly under the area on his face where Mitchell had pistol whipped him. “Honey, are you okay right now? Is there anything I can get you?” you asked softly, but he couldn’t think of one thing that would make him feel human again.

“She wouldn’t stop touching it,” he sobbed, “I--I just couldn’t,” You ran your hand over his head, holding it close to you,

“Okay, okay. Do you want me to have someone come and cut it evenly?” you murmured. Rafael nodded, reaching up to wipe at his eyes.

“I want to finish my statement...if that’s okay,” he eventually said, hanging his head. You rubbed his back while Liv moved over just a bit to give him some space.

“Of course, whenever you’re ready,” Liv said, “I’ll stay as long as you want,” Rafael stared down at the very white sheets, following the crisscrossing stitch pattern with his eyes. There was a stain that suddenly made the whole sheet feel dirty. He wanted them off of him, he already felt dirty. He shoved them off, standing up so fast he almost fell. “Woah, hey, what’s wrong?” Liv steadied him, looking confused as he started tearing at the sheets.

“They’re dirty,” he whispered, yanking them off the bed until he was out of breath. He felt like he was in a daze, and he somehow ended up in a chair staring at water damage on the wall. Had someone just thrown a bucket of water all over the tiles? It didn’t seem likely that all that water leaked through the roof and missed the ceiling. Then you were kneeling down in front of him,

“It’s okay darling, look at me,” you said softly, your hand cupping his cheek and directing his gaze onto your face. You kissed his forehead, “I’m right here baby,” He covered your hand with his own, curling his fingers around your palm before dropping your hands into his lap.

“Liv was here,” he said softly, looking down at your intertwined hands. You looked at him curiously.   
“Baby, she’s still here. She’s just getting you some new sheets and Dr. Sloan,” you told him softly. He shook his head, tears pouring from his eyes. He counted the tiles on the floor, trying to get a grip on himself.

“Hey guys, I found--oh,” he sniffled, pulling himself together and powering through after he heard Liv’s voice. It wanted to come out of his mouth.

“Please don’t tell anyone this,” he said softly. You nodded. “I-I meant she came here to eat lunch with me,” He looked down at the little carseat on the floor, at his sleeping daughter and her peaceful face. Oh, how he wished he could be strong for her. “She left, and I was trying to read when-when she came in the room. She just looked at me like I was some piece of meat. I told her I didn’t want her touching me, but she didn’t listen and she gave me a shot of something in my leg. It made me feel dizzy and airy. She was touching me and kissing me and running her fingers through my hair. I hated it,” He couldn’t even look at your face, look you in the eyes. He had to look somewhere else, or he wouldn’t be able to keep talking. He felt like he was falling back into a flashback, and that he knew would tear him apart. He squeezed your hand, pressing his skin against your fingernails. He brought his other hand up, pinching his arm as hard as he could. He sucked in a breath, trying to snap himself out of it. It wasn’t helping, but then you were rubbing his back and Liv was kneeling down beside him and he looked at Gabriella again, and he needed to get it off his chest. He needed to move on. He wanted to be a good father, and to be a good father, he needed to pull his life together. “I couldn’t do anything. I was weak,” he whispered, “I just remember she was so rough with me and it hurt so badly. She got on top of me and put me inside her and slapped me and pinned my arms above my head,” he was feeling so overwhelmed by the emotions, the embarrassment, the confusion, the desperation that he felt. He stopped there. He didn’t want to finish this part. After a few minutes of silence, you squeezed his hand, looking at him with teary eyes.

“I know this hurts right now Rafi, but it’s going to get better,” you said softly, “You have clean sheets now, do you want to get in bed?” He wanted to believe you, but he wasn’t sure how his life would ever improve. He nodded, standing up shakily and getting back in bed. The cool pillow case felt nice against his aching head. A knock on the door made him nervous, but he relaxed when he saw it was just Dr. Sloan. He came inside and closer to the bed. Rafael was feeling a bit dizzy.

“Hey Rafael, how are you feeling? I want to personally apologize for everything you’ve been through,” he said, coming over to the bed.

“Mm, thanks,” he said drowsily.

“Are you feeling okay?” his voice sounded like it was coming from inside a tunnel. Everything felt shrouded in darkness and echoing in his head. He felt ill, like he was going to pass out. Rafael saw the blurry image of someone above him, and he started to panic, but his head hurt way too badly to do anything about it. He groaned softly when someone pried his eyelid open, shining a light into his face. He heard some vague shouting and then the bed was moving, but he didn’t care. He shut his eyes, wanting to just sleep. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t stop singing stuff from Chess!!!! I need an official cast recording pls! Here’s the next chapter. I am so not writing this fast enough, so if I miss a night between posting that’s why...sorry guys. Now I need to sleep, I have school tomorrow. Let me know what you think!

You sat on the edge of Rafael’s bed, running your fingers through his hair as he slept and trying to be there for him. Once he woke up, you were going to take him to get his hair evened out, but for now, you had a beanie waiting for him that he could wear to cover up his own hack job. When they had rushed him away for a head CT, yelling about paging neurology doctors and brain bleeds and second impact something or another, you had been terrified. Thankfully, there wasn’t anything life threatening going on, but until he woke up, Dr. Sloan and the other doctor that you couldn’t remember the name of were concerned about lasting effects and permanent deficits. He had been sleeping for almost twenty-four hours straight which you were sure he needed. Every time you’d come to the hospital, he’d look more and more tired. If only you had been there for him more, been there to protect him.

When you looked at him, you could barely see the man you thought you knew. He was a broken, terrified shell of his former self and you couldn’t help but wonder if he always felt this way on the inside. You knew better than anyone what it was like to harbor pain so deep inside yourself that you could pretend it was gone. There had been long nights that you spent in his arms, trying to convince yourself that what Casey Mitchell did didn’t define you, and you knew for a fact Rafael had grappled with that himself concerning his father. He had been steady and strong when you were weak, and so far, you felt like you were failing him miserably in that role. He had been spiraling for weeks before this whole mess. “Y/N?” the voice startled you. You practically jumped off the bed, but then you realized Rafael’s eyes were open and he was looking at you.

“Hey you,” You said softly, wrapping him up in a very tight hug. He nuzzled his face against your neck, his breaths tickling your skin.

“My head hurts,” He whispered, and you barely understood his words.

“I bet it does baby, you had me really worried,” you said softly, trying to be mindful of his head. You leaned your face against his hair, kissing his head and thanking the lord that he appeared to be okay. He was quiet, looking drowsy, his breathing soft and shallow. “Is there anything you need right now?” You asked softly, holding him close to you.

“Where’s Gabriella?” he asked softly. You rubbed his back, knowing he probably wanted to hold her, but he wasn’t going to be able to do that for a while. He was supposed to rest. Period.

“Your Mama has her,” you said softly, “Ella is gonna come back and stay with us for a while to help out while you focus on feeling better.” He didn’t answer. He just tightened his hold around you and stilled like he was going to fall asleep. “Raf, Dr. Sloan wants you to see a psychologist. I’m not going to make you do anything, but it’s probably a good idea,”

“Please tell me this has been kept quiet,” he whispered. You nodded softly. You wished he would be more open to doing something about it. You could see how frustrating it must have been for him to sit there while you refused to do anything about Casey. It also gave you perspective to his emotions.

“I know, Dr. Sloan knows, and Liv knows babe,” you told him, trying to assure his fears. He nodded, tears dripping onto your shirt. You just held him tight. “Do you remember getting a shower earlier?” You asked softly. He looked at you oddly.

“A shower?” He sounded scared and confused. You rubbed soothing circles across his back,

“It’s okay. What’s the last thing you remember?” You were trying to gauge how he really was mentally at the moment. He appeared to be mostly there.

“I—I don’t know,” he whispered,”I don’t know,” Now he was starting to sound panicked. “It’s all a blur,” He was starting to try and sit up.

“Okay, shhh, stay still, it’s okay. You hurt your head,” you told him gently, “You might have some gaps,” He was gasping in breaths now as he cried.

“She hit my head,” he said softly, “It-It hasn’t stopped hurting since then,”

“See, you do remember something,” you said softly, trying to make him feel better.

“I wish I didn’t,” he whispered brokenly. You kissed the top of his head,

“I know, I’m sorry,” you whispered. You felt so guilty about all of this, “I’m really sorry about a lot of things,” you said gently. He didn’t say anything back, but you could feel his tears soaking your shirt, “I shouldn’t have overreacted when you told me about her kissing you. I—I didn’t let you finish talking, and I know you weren’t trying to hurt me in any way. I need to trust you more, and I’m sorry,”

“We’re okay?” He asked softly, his voice tear-filled.

“We’re more than okay Rafael,” you assured him, kissing the top of his head again. “You didn’t deserve any of this,”

“I-I,” he dissolved into soft sobs, but he sounded relieved, “I didn’t want her to do any of that to me. I—I wanted,” he took a calming breath, “I feel….left behind,” that broke your heart. He was shaking and not meeting your eyes. You wished he would have told you this sooner, “I lay in bed and wonder if Gabriella will even know me by the time I get out of here, if she thinks that Sonny is her Dad,”

“Oh Raf, she knows baby. When you hold her, she sleeps better, and I know it doesn’t seem like it to you, but she is less fussy. She loves you,” you told him. He had been terrified all along of messing up as a father, but you knew he wanted more than anything to be there for Gabriella unlike his own father who only took what he wanted and left Rafael to deal with the destruction. The adoration in his eyes when he looked at his daughter was evident, but you knew he was still scared to fail.

“You really think so? I want her to know how much I love her, and I can’t-I can’t show her that when I can barely move,” he whispered, “I want to rock her and sing to her and read her books. I want her to know me. I already have missed so much. She’s so big,”

“I know Rafi, I know,” you whispered, “I’m gonna try to get you home, I will try my hardest,”

“I-I am sorry I invited that nurse into my room. I was just—I needed someone to talk to, and you weren’t here,” he admitted, “I’m not trying to blame you, I just want you to know what happened. I need to get it off my chest. I was crying and she was nice to me and she offered to bring me pudding and to talk for a little bit, so I just said yes. I didn’t want anything more than that. She was the one who kissed me,”

“You don’t have to explain it to me Rafael. I should have...I should have made sure there was someone here with you. I knew you hated it here, and I am so sorry I ever left you alone when you were scared,” you said gently, “I know how hard this is for you, and I am going to do everything to make you feel better,” He nodded, snuggling further in your arms.

“I want to go home. If there’s only one thing I can do, I want to sleep in my own bed and go home with you and Gabriella and Brady,” he whispered, starting to sound drowsy once more. You ran your fingers through his now short locks and tried not to cry,

“Do you want me to have someone come and touch up your hair or…” you trailed off, unsure of how much he remembered. “I got you a hat for now,”

“My hair?” He said softly, reaching up and then freezing. “What-What happened to my hair?”

“You cut it honey,” you said gently, “I-I thought you might remember that,” He looked horrified for a second before he seemed to remember what happened,

“Oh...oh yeah,” he rubbed a tired hand across his face, “Yes, uh, I’d really appreciate someone coming to fix this,” you nodded,

“Can I kiss you?” You asked softly. You wanted to hold him and hug him and kiss him and overwhelm him with so much love that he forgot how much everything hurt. He looked apprehensive, “It’s okay if the answer is no,”

“I—” he looked down, like he felt bad.

“I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad baby, I want you to feel good. If you don’t want me to kiss you, that is perfectly and absolutely fine,” you told him seriously. He took a shaky breath,

“No, go ahead,” his voice was soft. You leaned in, cupping his cheek and softly pressing your soft lips against his chapped ones. He didn’t really return the kiss, but he didn’t pull away either. You kept it short and sweet, stroking his face and holding him close. He looked at you unsurely afterward and you smiled softly. “I guess I need some chapstick, huh?” He said softly, trying to joke. “And a toothbrush,”

“Maybe,” You said softly before pecking his lips again, “I love you,”

“Thank you,” he murmured, tearfully, leaning his head against your neck. “I really—I just really need you right now,”

“I know,” you whispered, “But it’s going to get better. I promise. I’m going to get Dr. Sloan, he needs to take a look at you now that you’re awake,” Rafael nodded, but he was still holding onto you tight as you tried to untangle yourself from him. “I’ll be right back okay?” He nodded again, still not letting you go. “Raf, you have to let go of me,” He yanked you close one more time, squeezing his eyes shut as he leaned his face against your chest. You ran your hand over the back of his head, through his hair and let him hold on.

“I’m sorry,” he sobbed, “I-I—” he let out a broken noise. You couldn’t bear to leave him alone like this so you hit the nurse call button. Dr. Sloan and a nurse came practically barreling into the room.

“Oh, oh you’re awake, Rafael,” Dr. Sloan said, slightly out of breath. He came closer, “I’m gonna need you to do a full neuro exam with Dr. Shepherd,”

“Okay,” Rafael whispered, “Can someone turn the lights down? They’re killing my head,” Dr. Sloan dimmed the lights, and Rafael buried his face against your shirt. You brushed your hand over his hair. He curled his legs under him, like he was hunched up in the fetal position and clutched onto you like he was never going to let go. You could feel his body tremble as he lay there, and then he went still, his eyes looking blank as his head lolled back. You just kept stroking his hair.

“Does he do that a lot?” Dr. Sloan asked softly. You nodded, gently shifting Rafael’s head so he’d be more comfortable. “I really think he needs to talk with a psychiatrist,”

“I’ll look into it,” You said softly, “I would like to take him home,” Dr. Sloan sighed, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Do you have a better idea? He’s deteriorating here. I can’t watch him suffer like this,”

“Y/N, he’s still in very serious condition. On top of all of his previous complications, he now has a head injury that I am very concerned about. He may be conscious, but that doesn’t mean he won’t have permanent effects from the second impact,” Dr. Sloan explained. You protectively wrapped your arms around him tighter.

“I understand that, but he’s absolutely miserable, isn’t there anything we can do?” you asked. He sighed, walking around for a few moments,

“Let Dr. Shepherd take a look at him, and after a few days of observation, we may be willing to discharge him on the condition that he sees a psychiatrist and comes back in for regular check ups,” he finally said tiredly. That was a win in your book though. “I cannot stress enough how imperative it is for him to rest. He needs to take it easy. No strenuous exercise, nothing that makes his headaches worse. His chest is still healing, and although we may be able to lift some of the sternal precautions soon, he can’t irritate that either.” This was going to be a lot more complicated than you thought. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here’s chapter 8. Poor Rafael....hope you guys enjoy and I’d love comments as always. I wanted to share these two links from Chess cause lmao they were my favs. Everyone should watch—you won’t regret it 

“Stop, stop it, please don’t,” you brushed your fingers through his hair, shushing him,

“It’s okay Raf, you’re safe now,” you wanted to make him feel safe and secure. “I know it hurts, I know,” he started thrashing around on the bed, so you were forced to shake his shoulder to try and snap him out of whatever he was imagining. “Rafi, open your eyes baby, you’re safe,” He blinked, his eyes finally focusing on you.

“What...where am…”

“You’re at the hospital, you were just dreaming,” you told him, watching his face worriedly. He looked so confused.

“W-Why am I here?” He asked softly. “I want to go home,”

“You were shot baby? Don’t you remember?” You asked, holding his hand.

“I want my mom,” He whispered, hiding his face in the pillow. “I want my mom,”

“Rafi, what is going on?” You asked softly, putting your hand on his shoulder. He shrugged you off,

“Don’t touch me. I want my mom,” he sounded distressed, curling up into a little ball. You were more than a little bit confused about what was going on. He seemed to be out of touch with reality.

“Hey Rafael, it’s Dr. Sloan. Can you tell me how old you are buddy?” You watched carefully as Dr. Sloan tried to pry information out of him. He was looking more and more concerned by the minute.

“I want my mom,” Rafael repeated, stubbornly not answering.

“I’m gonna get her for you, but I need you to tell me how old you are,” he repeated. Rafael held up five fingers, childishly refusing to look at you or Dr. Sloan. You looked to Dr. Sloan who was still trying to get information out of Rafael. You had a feeling of slight panic beginning to consume you. What was wrong with Rafael? Dr. Sloan guided you into the hall, looking st you seriously, “This is what I was concerned about,” he said with a sigh, “His brain could be overwhelmed, and to cope, he’s reverting back to a time when he didn’t feel so hurt, or he could seriously have amnesia. I’m going to page neuro and psych and I need you to get his mother here. I want him to comfortable and as relaxed as possible,” You were shaking as you pulled your phone out to call Lucia. She was currently with Gabriella, but Ella was supposed to be getting to the airport within hours. At the moment, you were so concerned about Rafael, you felt like you were going to throw up. As it rang, you sniffled,

“Y/N? What’s going on Darling?” Lucia asked, “Gabriella is down for her nap, she’s doing great,”

“It’s Rafael, he needs some emotional support right now, from you,” you told her, trying not to share anything that he wanted to keep quiet. He didn’t want anyone to know about the sexual assault.

“Oh, uh, okay. I’ll be right there, let me get Gabriella together,” she said, sounding concerned.

“Thank you so much Lucia,” you said softly before hanging up. You went back into the room, and Rafael was curled in on himself, his face pillowed on his arm, legs tucked up protectively as he rocked himself. You sat down in a chair beside the bed, “Rafael,” you whispered. He didn’t answer. “Rafi?” He was shaking and murmuring something under his breath. “Rafi?”

“Don’t call me that,” he snapped, sounding petulant, “I’m not a baby. My name is Rafael,”

“Okay Rafael,” you said cautiously, feeling like you were walking on eggshells, “What seems to be the problem right now?” He didn’t answer again, his back facing you. “Raf, I want to help you,”

“I want my mom. I’m not supposed to talk to strangers,” he whispered. He started to cry, whispering about how much he wanted his mom. You didn’t know what to do or to say to him that might make this better. The unbearable pain that he must be going through. His brain was literally trying to shield him from the trauma because he couldn’t handle it. His muscles were tense, and you wanted to rub his back, but you didn’t want to break him. He was so fragile.

“She’s on her way Rafael, I promise you’re okay,” you said gently, “Do you want--Do you want a glass of water or…”

“Quiero que Jesús,” he whispered, and briefly you were really confused. Who the hell was Jesús? Maybe his mother knew. Then you started to wrack your brain about what he could possibly be talking about. It had to be something or someone important to him when he was five years old. Five year old Rafael. You could barely even imagine him at that age, your strong, handsome man. He was strong in spite of everything that happened to him. You wanted to hold him for hours and just remind him of that. To tell him that you were never going to leave him, that none of this was his fault, and that it was going to get better. He saved your life and put you back together when you were crumbling, but now, now he needed your help. “Ow,” he sniffled, “My chest hurts,”

“Can I sit on the bed with you?” you asked softly. He nodded after a second. “Tell me more about Jesús,”

“He’s my best friend,” Rafael whispered, “He scares away the monsters under my bed,” You reached out, stopping yourself before touching him. “I want him,”

“Here, Rafi-Rafael, come here, let me hug you,” you said softly. He looked at you, fearfully for a moment, but then he crawled over into your lap. “That’s it,” you guided his head to your shoulder, and he was mumbling against your skin,

“He’s fluffy and brown and I love him cause he loves me,” he whispered. You kissed his head,

“Jesús sounds like a good friend,” you whispered. Rafael seemed so small and shaky. He shut his eyes, holding onto you,

“You smell good, kinda like my mami,” he murmured before pulling back and looking at your face, “You’re pretty,” You tried to hold in a laugh, but you had to disguise it with a cough. He was already such a charmer. His eyes were what intrigued you the most. Gone was the dead look, the sadness and the darkness, and it was replaced with bright, curious eyes of a child. Rafael clung to you, and you were happy to rub his back and make him feel better in anyway possible. There was a knock on the door and in came a man with dark hair.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Shepherd,” he said with a smile, “You must be Rafael,” Rafael looked to you scaredly, but you gave him a reassuring smile,

“Say hi baby,” you whispered. His arms tightened around your neck, but he obediently murmured a greeting. You were trying to stay light on your feet at the moment so that you could take anything Rafael threw at you. He was unpredictable. He sniffled, but let Dr. Shepherd shine the light in his eyes and he followed directions with a little bit of nudging from you.

“My head hurts,” Rafael whined, trying to hide his face against your neck.

“Okay Rafael, I’m gonna have another doctor come talk to you for awhile. It’s important you tell him the truth okay?” He said softly. Rafael didn’t answer. He was still trying to hide.

“I’ll talk to him,” you offered. Your legs were starting to fall asleep from Rafael’s weight. He may have thought he was five years old, but he still had the body of a full grown adult. “Rafa, honey, look at me. Snap out of this baby, you’re safe here, I promise,” He just looked confused, “You are not five years old Rafael,” you whispered, “I know you’re in there, and I’m right here, waiting to make you feel better, but first you have to come back to me,”

“Rafael, what are you doing?” It was Lucia’s voice echoing from the doorway. Rafael looked up, his face breaking out into a giant grin.

“Mami!!” He yelled, trying to scramble up to his feet and almost tripping over himself in the process. She wrapped him up in her arms, looking very concerned and confused,

“Hi Rafi, what’s going on darling?” She asked gently, rubbing his back.

“Mami, do you have Jesús?” He whispered, “I want him,”

“Jesús?” She asked softly, unsure of what he was talking about at first. Then a look of recognition spread across her face, “Rafi, Jesús is in storage. You know that. What do you need him for anyways? You haven’t touched that thing since you were like eleven,”

“I want Jesús!” He sounded like he was going to melt down into a tantrum. You stood up, trying to help,

“Rafael, sit down on the bed, I’ll get you a drink,” you said softly.

“I want Jesús!” He said again indignantly, crossing his arms over his chest. You sighed, especially when he started to cry.

“Rafi, stop it, please snap out of this,” you begged. You pulled Lucia aside, “He thinks he’s five years old, I’m going to call in someone for some help. In the meantime, can you please try to keep him calm?” You went out into the hallway with Gabriella in her car seat and fished out your phone.

“Hello?” Liv’s voice filtered through the phone.

“Liv, it’s Y/N again. I’m sorry to bug you, but I need a phone number for a good psychiatrist. Rafael…he needs some help right now,” you explained. You were trying not to cry. This all was so messed up.

“Here, I have just the guy,” Liv said before giving you a phone number to call, “I’ll let him know you’re calling,”

“Thank you Liv,” you whispered, hanging up. You paced for a few moments before punching the number into your phone. You couldn’t wait. It rang a few times before a male voice answered,

“Hello?”

“Dr. Huang?” you asked softly, sniffling, “Olivia Benson gave me your number. I need your help,”

……………………………………………………………………………………

Rafael was sitting in the hospital bed, clutching a fluffy, brown teddy bear that was well worn. His mother had dropped by the storage area, pulling out his old toy for him, and it did seem to provide some sort of comfort. He looked boyish, his hair tousled and messy, his face breaking into a grin at the smallest things. You couldn’t even bear to think about what had happened to that happy, little innocent boy. Sitting with him almost every moment of the day was exhausting, but you would gladly sit there for the rest of your life for him. When you held Gabriella, he would frantically pull at your shirt and ask to hold her. You let him because it would put a smile on his face. Now, he was chattering endlessly to you about school. You were struggling to get him to eat anything, apparently little Rafael had been a very picky eater. “Can I have another juice box?” he suddenly asked. He was guzzling down juice like it was keeping him alive, finishing half a pack in a couple hours before you cut him off. A sharply dressed man knocked on the door before entering,

“Hello,” he said with a soft smile, “I’m Dr. Huang, you must be Y/N and Rafael,”

“Dr. Huang, thank you so much for coming,” you said softly. He smiled warmly at you before slowly approaching Rafael’s bed,

“Hi Rafael, is it okay if I call you that?” he said gently, taking a seat in the chair beside his bed. Rafael nodded shyly. “I’m George,” He held Jesús just a little bit tighter in his arms, staring at the sheets. “How are you feeling today?” He shrugged,

“I wanna go home,” he whispered, but he wouldn’t meet Dr. Huang’s eyes or yours. Dr. Huang talked with him for a long time, trying to draw him out of his shell, but Rafael was stubborn as always.

“So?” you asked, sitting outside with the doctor.

“Rafael is traumatized right now. He’s adopted the demeanor and memories that he had at five years old because he is struggling to cope with everything. I believe that if we give him a safe and secure environment and maybe show him some pictures from his life now, tell him about it, he might snap and come out of this. If that doesn’t work, I can use some more aggressive options,” he explained.

“Aggressive?” you asked softly.

“Drug therapy, hypnosis, it’s not my first choice,” he explained. You bit your lip, he likely would no respond well to being pumped full of drugs again, but you nodded. Rafael needed help right now. You were sent home with the instructions to come back with pictures of you and Rafael together since you started dating, any pictures that Rafael kept around of himself. You had to root through the whole apartment and you did find a considerable number of old pictures and his diplomas, anything that might help him remember. You fed Brady, sitting with him and petting him for a while. You wished you could just bring Rafael home and have life go back to normal. The normal where you woke up in his warm embrace, his soft lips and sweet words hot on your neck, where you went out for lunch everyday and held his hand in the cab on the way to work. Even the normal where you had angry, hissed fights over someone not putting the cap back on the toothpaste or leaving their dirty clothes on the floor, silly stupid things that accompanied the territory of living together. You wanted Rafael back. You didn’t care if he had to yell and scream at you, if he needed to break every valuable thing in the apartment. It was like just yesterday you were sprawled out half on top of him on the couch, talking about baby names and kissing lazily. Now, everything changed. On the way back to the hospital, you couldn’t hold in your tears. When you reached his room, and he was still scaredly laying in bed, holding his little teddy bear, you knew you should find a private place to let it out. You didn’t want to scare him, but you couldn’t stop yourself from climbing on the bed and wrapping your arms around him as you cried. He struggled for a moment, but then he rolled over and gripped onto you,

“Why are you sad?” He asked softly. You ran your fingers through his hair. “Is it my fault?”

“No Rafi, you didn’t do anything wrong,” you murmured, kissing his forehead.

“Is there something wrong with me?” His voice was soft and scared, and you were taken aback by how perceptive and smart he was at five.

“You’re gonna be okay, I promise,” your words seemed to soothe him to an extent. Dr. Huang was supposed to be back any minute, and he was going to try and restore Rafael’s memories.

“Jesús’s head hurts,” Rafael mumbled, and you couldn’t help but smile softly.

“Well, we can’t have that can we? How about I get Jesús an ice pack, and so he doesn’t feel alone, you use one too?” You suggested. Rafael nodded, letting you up so you could get the ice for his head. He was quiet until Dr. Huang returned. You sat with him as he showed Rafael pictures and had him close his eyes and imagine himself in a movie theater, watching the events of his life on the screen. He didn’t react at first, but then he would get this funny look on his face when he shut his eyes. When he started to cry, you wanted to help him, but Dr. Huang advised you against touching him. He was breathing heavily by the end of the session, but he already looked a lot darker. Jesús was sitting, forgotten beside him as he wiped his eyes.

“What? What is going on?” He whispered softly, “Why is Dr. Huang in my hospital room?” 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg tho Raúl is a trooper, poor baby almost killed himself pushing through this damn throat infection to sing. He’s incredible. Sorry this is a bit late. I got slaughtered with homework today. Hope you guys enjoy, id love comments as always!

“Oh my God, Rafael, you’re back,” you whispered, feeling relieved. 

“It’s not like I could just get up and leave,” he said, flinching slightly when you wrapped him up in a big hug, “You’re acting like you haven’t seen me in a month, what happened?” 

“You thought you were five years old baby,” you whispered, “Scared the shit out of me,” He frowned, looking down and catching sight of Jesús.

“Y-You got my old teddy bear?” He asked softly. 

“Your Mom dug it out of storage for you,” you said softly, lightly scratching his scalp. “I love you so much, don’t scare me like that again,” 

“I-I’ll try,” He whispered, leaning his forehead against yours. “I-I, Y/N, I feel so broken right now. I close my eyes and all I can see is Mitchell pointing that gun at me, or my father or the nurse and I can’t breathe,” You felt tears pricking your eyes as you cupped his cheek. 

“I’m so sorry Rafael,” you whispered, “I want to help you. Tell me how I can help better,” 

“I don’t know. I’m so lost,” he was clutching onto you like his life depended on it. 

“Well I guess we’ll have to find our way together baby. You tell me if you need anything, okay?” You whispered. Rafael nodded softly. 

“What’s—what’s been happening so far?” He asked, and you were confused. 

“What do you mean?” You asked.

“With my case? Has Liv looked into it or?” He trailed off, grabbing the sheets and twisting them around nervously. 

“Hon, I’m not sure. You said you didn’t want anyone to know. I can call and ask her if you’d like,” you offered, taking his shaking hand into your own. He shut his eyes, his face twisted up and tense like he was going to cry. His eyes displayed deep suffering when he opened them. 

“Okay. Just….just ask her what she thinks I should do,” he finally whispered. He seemed terrified, “Also, I wanted to ask you something,” he said softly. You looked at him expectantly, “I—Can you tell me about Gabriella? I just—I feel like I’ve already missed everything,” 

“She is very fussy, kinda like you sometimes,” you teased, hoping for a laugh. He smiled softly, but his eyes were filled with tears. “She makes a lot of noise, and I’m usually up every two hours at night. She likes to be held a certain way, and she hated it when anyone but me would hold her. Except for you. She loves you,” 

“Really?” He asked softly, and you nodded. “I want to see her--can you bring her here?” he just wanted to hold his daughter. You sighed, but pulled your phone out, 

“I’m not sure if Dr. Sloan will let you Rafael,” you said softly, “But I will call Ella and have her bring Gabriella. We can ask,” He nodded, shutting eyes, leaning back in the bed. You hated just how small he looked, just how much he was suffering with every passing moment. You wanted to show him that Gabriella knew and loved him more than he could know, but you knew he was overthinking everything. He was terrified to lose the thing he had been waiting for the last year. After all you had gone through trying to get pregnant and losing your first child, he had been anxiously counting down the days until Gabriella was born, working hard to be a good father. All he wanted was to be allowed to love and raise his child like anyone else. After a quick call to Ella, you took his hand again. 

“Raf,” you whispered, wanting to talk to him about something. He opened his eyes, looking at you curiously. 

“What if--what if we got married as soon as you’re allowed out of here,” he started to try and interject, but you shushed him, “Just let me finish. I almost lost you, and I don’t want to spend one more minute where we aren’t married,” you explained. Rafael wouldn’t meet your eyes, his face growing dark. He reached up and wiped at his eyes, and you suddenly felt dread building up inside you. “Rafi?” you asked softly. 

“I--I don’t know,” he whispered, dropping his hand against the sheets and trying to pull himself together. 

“You don’t know if you want to marry me? Or not yet?” you clarified, trying not to get upset with him. Obviously he had a reason for feeling this way, and you didn’t need to be letting yourself interfere with listening to him and figuring out how to help. He looked so ashamed and upset as he looked away, refusing to look at you. “Rafael, please tell me what’s wrong,” you finally prodded. He sucked in a breath, a sob making his chest heave. You stroked your thumb over his cheek, nudging him to look at you. You brushed tears away, wanting nothing more than to take the heartbreak out of those beautiful green eyes. “Honey, please tell me,” 

“I--I,” he choked out, “I want to marry you,” his hand covered yours, “I just--I want our wedding night to be perfect, you deserve better than what I can give you. I don’t know if I can--if I can do anything…..” 

“Slow down, Rafa, breathe for me. You look right here,” you whispered, kissing his forehead, “I don’t want you to worry about that at all. We have the rest of our lives Rafael. I don’t expect anything from you baby, not until you’re ready,” He leaned forward against you, his face resting on your shoulder. You wrapped him up in a hug, kissing his face and neck and just about anything you could get to. He was shaking. “I know you feel inadequate right now, but I promise you aren’t,” He sat there afterward, waiting for Ella to show up with Gabriella. You needed to figure out how to get through to him, to get it through his thick skull that he was enough. Just him. He was far too stubborn for his own good, and he had been through so much already. Finally, Ella did come in with the carseat, and you quickly got Gabriella out, sitting next to him on the bed and letting him see her. He smiled softly, running a finger down her cheek, 

“Hola princessa,” he whispered, “Te amo,” You wanted to wait for Dr. Sloan before you let Rafael hold her, but he was eager, so you finally gave in, helping him situate her against his abdomen. “Hi baby,” he whispered, “Daddy loves you, more than anything in the world,” He wrapped an arm around you, wincing slightly, but you didn’t bug him. If this is what he needed, you would let him. You leaned against him, careful to not put too much weight on his chest. He was smiling, looking down at your baby and then to you. “My girls,” he whispered, turning so he could kiss your temple. “Without you two, I would be lost,” 

“We both love you too Rafi,” you murmured, kissing his shoulder over his shirt before letting your head fall against his arm. He leaned his head down, resting it on yours. 

“You guys are sickeningly cute,” Ella said softly. Rafael jumped slightly, apparently startled by her presence. You rubbed his back gently, trying to calm him down. He was suddenly tense and whispering to himself that he was fine. 

“You’re alright,” you murmured, “Just breathe,” He looked down at Gabriella again, a smile appearing on his face, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. Gabriella gurgled softly, her hand waving around. She was staring up at Rafael, wonder in her little eyes. He ran his hand over her head, smoothing her soft hair down. She looked drowsy, her pacifier in her mouth and her eyelids gradually drooping lower and lower. Rafael held her close, his fingers ghosting down her back. He was enamoured, all of his attention consumed by her. “How is Kyle?” you asked your sister. 

“You know, busy as always,” she said softly, and you could see longing in her eyes as she watched your little family. You patted Rafael’s arm, standing up, 

“Are you okay for a couple minutes baby?” you asked softly. Rafael nodded, shifting around so he was laying on his back, 

“Can you move her up to my shoulder?” he asked softly. You helped him shift her up to rest against his left pec, curled up on her stomach. He looked so happy as he kissed the top of her head. You walked out of the room with Ella. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” you asked. Ella looked away for a few minutes. 

“I want to have kids, Kyle doesn’t think that fits with our ‘lifestyle.’ Whatever that means,” she finally said softly, “He’s always at work, and I get it, but I need something to change,” You pulled her into a hug, trying to be there for her like she was always there for you. 

“That’s tough El. Didn’t you guys talk about this before?” you asked softly. 

“I didn’t want kids at first, but you and Rafael and I just, I changed my mind,” she whispered, “And I don’t know if he will change his,” You were about to answer when you spotted Liv down the hallway, 

“Hey, I was just going to call you,” you called. Liv frowned, 

“What’s up? I was just coming to check in on Rafael, and this little guy wanted to say hi,” You hadn’t even noticed Noah trailing behind her as she came toward you. 

“Hey buddy,” you said with a smile before turning back to your friend, “Raf and I had a few questions about his case,” Liv paused at the door, but you nodded for her to go ahead in. “We’ll talk more about this later okay?” you said to Ella, “I love you, and it’ll work out,” She nodded, looking grateful to have that off her chest. You went back in the room, smiling when you saw Noah climbing up on the bed beside Rafael. 

“Uncle Rafa, I made you this card,” he said with a big grin. You headed over to the bed, taking Gabriella so he could sit up and talk to Liv. 

“You did? Thank you so much Noah,” Rafael said, putting a smile on his face for Noah’s benefit. He wrapped his arm around Noah who leaned against him. 

“Are you feeling any better? Mommy said you’re sick. I brought you Eddie,” Noah handed over his stuffed Elephant, and Rafael looked touched. He took it, setting it beside Jesús who was still on his bed. Liv sat in a chair beside them. 

“Hey, so what did you want to ask me?” she asked. 

“What have you done so far? What should I do? I don’t know--No one is going to take this seriously,” he sighed, wiping his face. He shut his eyes for a few seconds which had you concerned, so you turned the lights down slightly. Liv sighed, thinking for a few moments before speaking. 

“I haven’t done anything yet besides some light digging into this nurse’s background, you asked us to keep it private. I can start doing something right now if you’d like,” she said gently, “I know you want this handled with caution, but you know that if I start investigating, we’re eventually going to have to involve a DA and then it will hit the press. In theory rape shield would protect you, but you know how it is Rafael. I can’t decide for you. I will take this seriously. I will go straight to McCoy if that’s what you want,” 

“I-I can’t breathe,” he whispered, starting to rapidly suck in breaths. He was freaking out, but suddenly Noah hugged him tightly, and Rafael started to calm down. 

“It’s okay Uncle Rafa,” the little boy whispered, “Don’t be sad,” 

“I need--I need some clonazepam or xanax or something,” he wheezed, and you started to dig through his bag for his xanax. It wasn’t until after you handed him to two pills that he promptly swallowed that you both looked at each other, questioning if that had been a good idea. Rafael was a bit busy trying to calm down and assure Noah that he was fine to dwell on it, but you sat down. He had just overdosed on benzodiazepines not that long ago, and giving him his anxiety pills was a reflex action, but now you were worried. He was still sucking in breaths which had you concerned about his chest. Gabriella was somehow still asleep in your arms. 

“Mommy do you have my coloring books. I want to color with Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, holding Rafael’s hand. It was touching how sweet Noah was being. Noah handed Rafael a blue crayon and piece of paper before starting to color in his own picture. He took a few more gasping breaths before getting ahold of himself. He drew for a while with Noah before the Xanax made him drowsy. 

“Thank you for visiting me Noah,” Rafael whispered, his eyes starting to flutter shut. 

“Feel better Uncle Rafa, I love you,” Noah said, kissing Rafael’s cheek before hopping off the bed. You took over sitting on the edge of his bed, stroking his hair again and again as he softly snored. 

“He’s been sleeping a lot,” You said softly, “Haven’t even had time to take care of his hair,” you grabbed the beanie and gently slipped it on his head to cover up the messy hair cut. 

“Should I take that as a yes?” She finally asked. 

“Go ahead and start investigating. I’ll talk to him some more,” you said gently. 

“I’m going to need an ID from him cause we don’t have a name,” she told you. 

“That I can help with,”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty here’s chapter 10. Hope you guys like it! Rn I’m living for Ramin Karimloo being the biggest Raúl fanboy ever lmao cause I can relate Ramin. Let me know what you think! Hopefully I’ll be getting Rafa home here soon :)

Liv was walking briskly toward the nurse’s station, Sonny trailing behind her. They stopped at the desk. “Hi, can I help you with something?” The woman asked. 

“I’m looking for the name and current whereabouts of a colleague of yours,” she said. Liv needed this nurse’s information immediately, so she could go question her. “A nurse, likely an RN, she would have been working Rafael Barba’s room last week,” The nurse looked at Liv like she had three heads. 

“We really need that information,” Sonny piped in, “Unless you want us to have a DA charge you with obstruction,” Liv leveled her with a hard stare. 

“This may take a couple minutes,” she said finally with a sigh before clicking around on the computer, “I have to pull up his charts and hope she signed them,” 

“Room 476 last week?” Another nurse asked. Liv nodded, “That was Jordan. They just reassigned her over to oncology the other day,” 

“Yeah, Jordan Larson, and right now, she should be in the second floor in the oncology wing,” the first woman said. 

“Thank you so much for your help,” Liv said, heading toward the elevator with Sonny. 

“What are we gonna do when we find her?” Sonny asked, leaning against the wall. 

“Question her like any other suspect Carisi,” Liv replied with a sigh. They needed to avoid any notions of a vendetta or accusations of brutality if they could. “I know we all feel personally connected to this case, but we can’t let that get in the way of putting her in jail for Rafael,” Sonny nodded, but they both knew that was easier said than done. Liv felt anger boiling up inside her as she headed toward the oncology wing. Seeing a friend that was as close to her as Rafael so torn up was heartbreaking. She had dealt with her own demons in the aftermath of William Lewis, and now Rafael was dealing with his own personal hell. The usually unflappable, loud mouthed attorney who had let a man choke him with a belt in open court, was reduced to a terrified, shaking mess and it was hard to watch. Down the hall, there was a large desk and three or four nurses sitting there. “Hi, I’m looking for Jordan Larson,” 

“She’s right over there,” Liv’s eyes narrowed as she caught sight of the young woman. She had an irrational urge to wring her neck. 

“Excuse us, Miss Larson?” Sonny said, walking ahead, “I’m Detective Carisi and this is Lieutenant Benson. We need to speak with you in private please,” 

“Sure, but I’ve only got a couple minutes. It’s the middle of my shift,” she said distractedly. She set her things down and led them to a conference room to talk. “So, what’s up?” Liv wanted to smack that bored look off her face. 

“Wanna tell us where you were Friday?” Liv asked evenly. 

“I was here, working,” she said, frowning. 

“What patients were you working with at the time?” Sonny asked. She looked at them like they were insane, sitting down in the chair. 

“Are you crazy? I see a ton of patients every day. I have no idea,” Liv glared as she started to make excuses. This was going to get them nowhere. She smacked her hand down on the table, her dark gaze boring into the woman. 

“Rafael Barba ring any bells?” she almost growled. The woman just stared back at her cooly, fake charm and smugness on her face. 

“Dr. Yang and Dr. Sloan’s post op GSW to the chest and median sternotomy patient. I had him do breathing exercises everyday and checked his vitals and dressings,” she said immediately. 

“I thought you said you didn’t remember,” Sonny commented. She ignored him. 

“I heard you did a little more than that Jordan. We have your DNA,” Liv said, coming closer, “You know he’s an ADA right? He has lots of friends in this city, and we are gonna come after you…hard. And then you know what? I’ll make sure you get locked up somewhere bad because you don’t mess with the people I care about,” Sonny grabbed her arm, 

“Liv, I think that’s enough,” Sonny said, trying to pull her back. She started to back up when Jordan spoke, 

“He’s not so innocent you know, sure we had sex. That doesn’t make it rape, but you know what did? His fiancé finding him out,” she bit back. Liv was ready to knock her out cold, and if Carisi hadn’t pulled her back, she would have. 

“I’ll be back, and next time we see each other, you’re gonna have cuffs on,” Liv said as they left. On the way out, she covered her face. Losing her cool like that was definitely not part of the plan. 

“What happened to calmly questioning her?” Sonny asked with a laugh. He shrugged though like he understood where she was coming from. She could just imagine poor Rafael scared out of his mind as that ruthless, sociopath manipulated him to her every whim. He was helpless, drugged, and alone in a place that scared him and she took advantage in the worst way. 

“I’m going to drop in on Barba, see how he’s feeling, if he needs anything,” Liv finally said, rerouting them toward his room, “Also, I don’t trust her, I want an officer on his room 24/7,” Sonny trailed her toward Rafael’s room. When she got there, the lights were dimmed and Rafael was sitting up in bed, holding Gabriella. He looked happier. He was feeding her carefully with a bottle, and you were passed out in a chair beside his bed.

“Hey Barba, how are you feeling?” Sonny asked. Rafael looked up with a weak smile, 

“A little better I guess,” he said, his eyes returning to Gabriella’s face. “Y/N passed out, I think she was up all night watching me sleep. Not that I sleep that much anymore anyways,” Liv sighed, unsure what to say that might make him feel better. 

“Is there anything I can get you that might help a little bit?” She asked softly, coming over to his bedside. He shook his head. His hospital lunch sat untouched on the tray which concerned her. “I can get you lunch if you’re hungry,” she offered, but he shook his head, 

“I’m not hungry. All I need is right here,” he whispered. “Dr. Sloan said as long as it doesn’t hurt, I can hold her. I still can’t pick her up, but if Y/N or someone can just put her in my arms, we’re good,” He looked tired, dark circles under his eyes as he held tight to what he had left. 

“Did you talk with Dr. Huang?” Liv asked, and he looked away. 

“Yeah, he’s supposed to be back later to talk to me I think,” he whispered. Liv came closer to sit on the edge of his bed. She cautiously put a hand on his shoulder. He tensed up slightly, but then relaxed. 

“I want you to know that I’m here if you want to talk or if you need anything. I’m just a call away okay?” She said softly. Rafael smiled softly, nodding. An open bottle sitting on his tray caught her attention. It was his Xanax. 

“I was having a minor freak out earlier,” he whispered, “But I feel much better now. I feel calm,” 

“That’s good, I’m so glad you’re feeling better. We had a discussion with the nurse, and I’m going to send an officer to stay by your room just in case, okay?” She explained. He nodded, still looking at ease. Before she left, Liv closed the bottle and left it on his tray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don’t know what I’m doing with psycho bitch nurse who now has a name. I legit have zero plans for her fate....


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little painful, but I’ve been meaner. I love all the input I’m getting and I’m gonna try and tailor my ideas to some of your wants :) as long as it fits of course. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter and lemme know what you think!

“Ahh, I can’t,” there were tears rolling down Rafael’s face, and you wanted to make them stop. You were sitting in the chair rocking Gabriella as he tried to endure the physical therapy. They were stretching him out, carefully, but he was was sobbing. He was supposed to be gently pushing back against the pressure and they really didn’t have his arms out that far. You stood up, moving over beside him and gently stroking his hair,

“Breathe Rafael, you can do this,” you whispered, “Just take a deep breath and you can. I know you can,” He was choking on his gasps, rapidly sucking in air and his eyes were desperately searching out yours. You touched his face, “I’m right here,” Finally, his panicked, hazy, pain-filled eyes met yours and he nodded softly, his eyes fluttering shut as he tried to regain his composure. He gritted his teeth through the pain, but he managed to finish out his exercises before collapsing back. He whimpered, breathing heavily, and you just ran your fingers through his hair and down his back, “You did so good, you did perfect baby. I’m right here,”

“Rafael, I know you’re in pain, but you need to walk for a half hour okay?” The therapist said gently, starting to nudge him up to a sitting position. He nodded blearily, blindly grabbing onto you for some stability. He was barely up to his feet when he started to sway around.

“I think he needs to rest,” You said softly, but no one was listening to you. The therapist was too busy trying to get Rafael to take a step forward. “I don’t think he’s okay,” You said a little louder, but it was too late. He was already tumbling forward. Out of reflex, you managed to grab his wrist, but the young man managed to catch Rafael before he hit the floor. You stood there, hand over your mouth as you tried to breathe. You weren’t sure what would have been worse: him wiping out on the floor or his arm getting jerked and injuring his sternum when you stopped his fall. As you laid him back down, he was crying softly,

“My head,” he whispered. You sat down, rearranging him so he was resting his head in your lap. You wiped the tears from his cheeks, trying to assure him that everything was going to be alright.

“Can you please get Dr. Sloan?”’you said tensely, extremely unhappy about the level of treatment Rafael had been receiving. You comforted him until the doctor showed up. Dr. Sloan knocked on the door before coming in, and you were very upset. Rafael was half conscious, still softly whimpering. He looked exhausted. “Is this hospital full of incompetent staff?” you practically hissed, “Rafael has been through enough, and today his physical therapist pushed him to the point that he almost collapsed on the ground. Look at him. This is ridiculous. I left him alone and he was sexually assaulted by one of the nurses,”

“I know Y/N, I’m so sorry. I can get him a new PT, and I can get the chief of surgery down here to speak with you if you’d like. I don’t know what more to say,” he said softly, “I truly am very sorry about all of this,”

“I know you are, and I don’t blame you, but I can’t sit here and watch him decompensate like this. It isn’t helping anymore. I want to take him home,” you said firmly. It was time for him to sleep in your bed, to be at home with you and Gabriella where he hopefully would be able to cope and adjust better.

“Let me get the chief down here and Dr. Shepherd to take a look at his head. Maybe we can call that psychiatrist again, and with his recommendations, I think we can figure something out,” he relented. You nodded softly, holding Rafael’s limp hand in your own. He let out a tortured groan, his eyes opening slightly.

“It hurts,” he whispered.

“I know Rafi, hold on baby. It’ll be over soon I promise. I’m right here,” you said, sitting beside him and rubbing your hand across his chest and shoulders and anywhere you could reach. You shifted around to pull him close to you, his head tucked under your chin. He rolled over with great effort, snuggling into your embrace. His breathing was ragged against your neck, but it slowly started to even out as you ran your hands across his skin, trying to make him feel better in anyway possible. “What hurts?” you asked softly.

“It feels like someone is hitting me over and over with a bat,” he whispered, on the brink of sobbing. He was shaking like he had just been doused with cold water and was freezing to the bone. You hated him hurting this much. “Why?” his voice was barely audible, “What did I do?”

“You did nothing Rafi, it’s all gonna be okay soon. I promise,” you whispered tearfully, “None of this was your fault,” His trembling body was warm in your arms, the soft tears a contrasting cold. You could do little more than run your hands gently down his back, over his spine soothingly, but it seemed to help some. He sniffled softly at times, never moving his face from where it was pressed against the warm skin of your neck. You started to press your fingers deeper into his muscles, to rub little circles into the knots. He let out a soft pleased sound, his arms winding around your waist. You pressed your face against his hair, breathing in the minty scent his shampoo that caused a cool sensation to drift in your nostrils. You had thankfully been able to get him in the shower again which always seemed to relax him and soothe some of his unhappiness. His hair usually smelled of gel and product and wasn’t so soft, and you briefly lamented how styled it usually was despite how handsome it made him look. “I love you more than anything Rafael, and all of this is going to be a bad dream soon. All this pain will be a dull ache in the back of your mind. You will be happy again,” His breathing was tickling your skin now, fingers digging into your back.

“Hey guys,” the words were accompanied by a knock on the door. You gently patted Rafael’s back, easing him off of you so the doctor could check him out. Rafael groaned, squeezing his eyes closed. “I heard you had a hard time exercising earlier,” Dr. Shepherd said softly. Rafael couldn’t really answer, he seemed out of it. “Rafael can you open your eyes and look at me?” He let out an agonized noise, but he opened his eyes a crack, looking unfocused and confused. He approached the bed slowly with a penlight in his hand, “I’m gonna shine this light in your eyes,” he warned before gently prying Rafael’s eyelid all the way open. He whimpered, squeezing his hands into tight fists. “Can you tell me where you are Rafael?”

“Hospital,” he breathed, “I’m at the hospital,”

“Good, good, can you tell me what day of the week it is?” the doctor prodded.

“I-I d-don’t know,” he whispered finally. You sat beside him, stroking his arm comfortingly.

“Okay, that’s alright, can you tell me your name?” the doctor asked gently. Rafael took a calming breath, you knew he was trying to calm down, to relax so he could focus, but the pain was surely unbearable.

“Rafael Barba,” he finally said, his chest heaving, “I need, can I have some medicine please,”

“Go ahead and give him some Xanax, I’ll see about getting him some morphine or something of that kind. Exercise seems to exacerbate his condition, so I’ll have the therapists try to scale back on that. With home therapy and regular check ups, I don’t see why he can’t go home soon,” Dr. Shepherd said with a smile, “Dr. Yang would still like to examine him and you’ll need psych clearance as well. He seems fairly aware, just in pain,”

“Thank you,” You said softly. You reached under Rafael’s shoulders, trying to get him sitting, “Come on baby, sit up, you need to take your pills,” You got him two pills and a glass of water, and he gulped them down, coughing afterwards which brought more tears to his eyes. His chest had to be killing him. He was shaking softly, but after the nurse hooked him up to a drip, he started to relax. His forehead was shiny with sweat, his face warm, but he wasn’t crying anymore and for that you were more than grateful. Sat down beside him again, gently wiping the sweat from his face with a cool washcloth. “Do you need anything babe?” You asked softly.

“I-My mouth is so dry,” he whispered. You weren’t sure if he’d start coughing with water again. You patted his arm,

“I’ll be back okay?” you said gently. He nodded, his eyes fluttering shut like he couldn’t keep them open anymore. You moved Gabriella closer to his bed. She was still sleeping. You quickly went to the nurse’s station where they got ice chips for you. You were sure they were more than sick of you at this point. Rafael’s eyes were closed when you returned and he looked like he was half asleep. “Raf,” you said softly. He groaned with lethargy, mumbling soft protests. You sat beside him, “Do you want some ice chips?” He nodded softly, blinking as you scooped a few up to his mouth. He crunched on them, not talking. You got Gabriella out of her carseat, bringing her close so he could see her. “Look who came to see you,” you said gently. He got a goofy smile on his face, looking down at her lovingly.

“She looks like you when she sleeps,” he said softly, his voice sounding thick, “I could watch her sleep all day,”

“You watch me when I sleep?” you said with a laugh. He gave you a little smirk, something that reminded you of the man you had met so long ago.

“How am I supposed to keep my eyes to myself when you look like that?” he said teasingly. You smacked his arm lightly before giving him a few more ice chips.

“You’re making me blush,” you said softly. Rafael smiled again, crunching on his ice happily and watching your daughter. He looked sleepy, likely because he struggled to sleep unmedicated. He reached for Gabriella, so you helped him situate her to curl up on his chest. He nuzzled his face against her head, pressing kisses over her hair. He started to doze after awhile, and you couldn’t help but snap a quick picture of him laying there asleep with Gabriella zonked out on his chest. She already had a strong personality, and she reminded you of him constantly. You adored that she had Rafael’s eyes and dark hair. She made little faces all the time that made you laugh, and often it was reminiscent of Rafael’s facial expressions (that man could make you laugh until your sides hurt with his silly faces). Ella would be by soon to pick her up and take her home. That was the one thing you regretted at the moment; you had to choose between the two most important people in your life. Do you stay at the hospital with Rafael who had already suffered so much, or did you go home with your daughter and savor the time you had with her. Thankfully soon that burden would be lifted from your shoulders.

“He looks better,” Dr. Huang’s voice startled you. He came in quietly, setting his briefcase down on a chair.

“Do you want me to wake him up?” you asked softly, starting to stand.

“No, no, I have a little while. Let me buy you a cup of coffee or something,” he said kindly. You smiled gratefully and nodded. He disappeared after that to go purchase two cups. When he came back, you were still sitting on Rafael’s bed. You gratefully took the coffee, sipping at it.

“Thank you for helping Rafael and for the coffee,” you said softly. You were exhausted. Dr. Huang smiled kindly at you,

“Of course. Any friend of Olivia’s is a friend of mine. How are you feeling?” he replied.

“Always the psychiatrist huh?” you asked with a laugh, “I’m okay. It tears me up inside to watch him like this, but I’d rather be here for him than leave him alone. All he wants is to be there for our daughter and to be with me, but life just keeps kicking him when he’s down,”

“Life can be cruel, but he is strong. He has developed countless coping mechanisms to try and deal with the great trauma he’s experienced. His mind knows how to shield him, and if I can just redirect a few of his more unhealthy habits, he should recover well,” Dr. Huang said kindly, “It will not be an easy road back though. He has a lot of work ahead of him,”

You looked back to your sleeping fiancé. His face was relaxed for once, no trace of anxiety or sadness. He was soundly asleep, not panicking or shaking and it made you smile. You wished it was always like this for him. He seemed to be getting stronger physically, but you were now worried the added layer of his concussion complications would set that back. He couldn’t seem to catch a break. “I worry it’s too much,” you admitted, covering Rafael’s hand with your own.

“I would definitely like to keep seeing him,” Dr. Huang told you, “He needs help, but I am confident in him,”

“I don’t know what he’s told you, but he was already in a bad place before any of this,” you said softly. You didn’t want to betray Rafael’s trust, so you didn’t say more, but you thought it was important for Dr. Huang to have an idea of where he was at originally and the trauma he had already been forced to try and deal with. “I think he won’t be against starting regular sessions with you,”

“Good, I’m glad,” he said with a smile. You felt the bed creaking as Rafael began to stir. He blinked a few times, groaning softly before he noticed there were people in the room,

“Oh,” his voice was breathy and drowsy, “Dr. Huang, sorry, give me a second,”

“Here, let me take the baby,” you said softly, picking her up carefully. Rafael looked like he didn’t want to let her go, but he said nothing. You put her back in her car seat so you could help him up. Dr. Huang has mentioned going outside for a little bit while they spoke so he could get some fresh air and a change of scenery. You helped him into a clean shirt and new sweatpants. Dr. Huang helped him get in a robe as a cold or pneumonia would be extremely painful with his chest and it was a bit chilly outside. He let you tie his shoes and then he was usually, following Dr. Huang out slowly. He had a lot of pain, so he was slow moving, but he could usually do it himself. You caught sight of his phone on the bedside table, so you grabbed it, rushing out to give it to him. He hadn’t gotten that far. You slipped it into his pocket, kissing his cheek, “I’m going to run home and take a shower, call if you need me okay?” You told him. He nodded, smiling weakly. You knew the smile was for your benefit. You got Gabriella’s car seat, smiling as she pulled her hand from her mouth and waved it in front of her face. She was growing up so quickly, starting to lift her head up on her own. You had been startled when she ripped Rafael’s feeding tube out, but you suspected that was more of a reflex than on purpose. The cab ride home was warm and you almost fell asleep, but you managed to barely keep your eyes open. Your shower was quick, Ella keeping an eye on Gabriella while you stood under the warm spray. You felt exhausted and as you let the water rain down on you, you started to cry. You hit a breaking point where you just needed to let out all the emotions that had been pent up since Rafael was shot. It wasn’t fair to him, to you, to Gabriella. You wished that somehow there was a switch you could flip and everything would be all better, but that was so unrealistic. He was in for a long journey back to where he was before, and even then he had been broken. So you cried. This was where you could fall apart, where you could be vulnerable because outside of this shower, you had to be there for him. He needed something stable to stand on, and if you crumbled he would fall. After getting out of the shower, you laid down, hoping for a quick nap before you would go back to the hospital. Rafael would likely still be with Dr. Huang as their sessions had been fairly long so far. You were very glad he found someone who he trusted to talk to about everything. As you drifted off to sleep, you realized how much you missed cuddling into Rafael’s arms at night. He was like your own personal space heater, and without him, the bed was cold and felt too big. Without him it was empty. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short. It might be a couple days before the next chapter is up, depends on how long it takes me to write it....I hope you guys enjoy this chapter and hopefully I’ll have more done soon! Let me know what you think :)

You woke up to a loud crash coming from somewhere else in the house. Your head felt a little fuzzy and still half asleep, but you got out of bed anyways. You needed to figure out what that was and then get back to the hospital to spend some time with Rafael. You grabbed one of Rafael’s old flannel shirts, slipping it over your tee shirt and heading toward the kitchen where it sounded like it originated. You found Ella trying to pick up pans and balance Gabriella in her arms at the same time. You laughed, going over to help her get the pans collected. “What in the world are you doing?” you asked. She gave you a bit of an embarrassed look,

“I was trying to make dinner and keep her calm at the same time. I figured you might want something to eat when you woke up,” her explanation made you frown. You picked up a big saucepan before looking up to her,

“Dinner? It’s like 3--” you looked at the clock that was behind her head, “7 o’clock--shit,” You dropped the pan on the ground again, rushing to check your phone. You dropped it on the floor because your hands were shaking, so you found yourself on your hands and knees, digging under the bed. When you finally got it back in your hands, you unlocked it and saw two missed calls from Huang. You quick dialed Rafael’s number to try and find out if he was alright and apologize, but it rang a few times before going to voicemail. You tried him again, but it was the same result. You were feeling panicked, so you quickly threw some shoes on and your coat. You left Gabriella with Ella because if something was wrong, you didn’t need him worrying about Gabriella seeing him like that. When you made it to the hospital, you were out of breath, walking quickly down the hall to his room. You steeled yourself to see him at the door, but when you opened it, he was smiling, sitting on the bed with Liv and Noah.

“Hey, I thought you might have died or something,” he joked. You were too worked up to laugh, tears still filling your eyes. You walked quickly to his side, cupping his face and kissing his cheek. You ran your fingers through his hair and down his back, assuring yourself he was alright.

“You scared me, why didn’t you answer your phone?” you whispered, gripping onto him. He looked startled by your sudden emotion, and he covered your hand with his own.

“I’m sorry, it must be on silent,” he said softly, “I’m alright,”

“Aunt Y/N, we’re playing UNO. Do you wanna play?” Noah asked, pulling on your shirt. You wiped your eyes, kissing Rafael’s forehead one more time. You didn’t miss the way he flinched.

“Sure buddy, but first, who wants milkshakes?” You asked softly, “My treat,” You needed a few minutes to collect yourself, and you wanted to show your gratitude to Liv and Noah for spending time with Rafael. He was looking at you curiously, but he answered softly,

“Yeah, sure. Coffee,” He was staring down at his hands after that, playing with the blanket.

“Noah?” you asked.

“Vanilla,” Liv replied, “I’ll have chocolate. Thank you Y/N,” You smiled, heading out of the room and down the hall toward the exit. You hated that you automatically assumed the worst now, that you had almost lost it because he didn’t answer his phone. The ice cream store wasn’t far down the street from the hospital, so you got a cup carrier and headed back toward the room. Rafael was still looking down, and you wished that wasn’t your fault. You handed him his shake, resisting the urge to touch him,

“You okay baby? I’m sorry if I did something that made you uncomfortable,” you said softly, and he looked away for a second, gulping.

“It’s not you, I promise, I just hate you worrying about me,” he whispered. He took a sip of the shake, making a pleased face. “Christ, I am really glad you got this for me,”

“Let’s play more UNO Uncle Rafa! You still haven’t beat me!” Noah exclaimed gleefully. Rafael smiled, laughing softly. You climbed up in the bed beside him, resting your head on his shoulder. He leaned his cheek down against your head, his scruff ticking your face.

“I know you’re just trying to look at my cards,” he teased. You made a show of looking offended at his statement which made him laugh, a deep hearty sound that warmed your heart. After the game (that Noah won again) you offered to take him when he said he needed to use the bathroom. Rafael was in the middle of a conversation with Liv. When you came back, he was staring at the ceiling, trying not to cry. You tamped down on your desire to comfort him and sat in one of the chairs with Noah because they were still talking.

“Is Uncle Rafa okay?” Noah asked you softly. You hugged him, resting your cheek on his curls,

“He will be Noah, he just got hurt very badly, but that’s why he’s here. To get better,” you explained. You talked with Noah until Liv and Rafael were finished with whatever it was they were doing at the moment.

“Okay Noah, it’s time to go home and go bed buddy,” Liv said, standing up from her spot on the bed. Noah made a sad face,

“But Mommy, I wanna have a sleepover with Uncle Rafa,” he whined. Rafael laughed softly.

“Noah come here,” he said, sounding a lot more tired than before. Rafael patted the bed next to him. Noah sat down, looking hopefully at Rafael and then his mother. “If you go home and listen to your Mom, I promise when I get out of here, sometime we’ll have a sleepover okay?” Noah nodded, hugging Rafael tightly before getting down and following Liv to the door.

“I’ll see you soon Rafa,” Liv called, “Hang in there,” He waved goodbye, shutting his eyes. You came over sitting by his bed.

“You okay?” You asked softly. He shrugged.

“Where’s Gabriella?” He looked slightly disappointed.

“Home, with Ella. I wasn’t sure what I was walking into here,” you explained, “I’m sorry I took so long to come back, I fell asleep and slept through my alarm,”

“It’s okay, Liv came to hang out,” he replied. He winced as he shifted around.

“What hurts?” You asked, moving to sit beside him.

“Everything,” he answered, but he snuggled into your embrace when you wrapped an arm around his shoulders. His hand was resting on your stomach, thumb brushing over the skin that was exposed over and over. “What happened to us?” He whispered, “Everything just got so screwed up,” His anxiety always got worse at night. Just the day before, he had been half asleep when a nurse came in and dropped a tray on the ground. Rafael had practically jumped out of bed, cowering in the corner and begging her not to shoot him. Running damage control after that had been a good time. He had been shaking for hours, curled up on his side and crying.

“Just breathe Rafael, it’s okay,” you whispered, stroking a hand through his hair. He nodded, but his eyes were full of tears, shaky breaths escaping him. “You were really okay when I left?”

“Yeah, Yeah,” He sniffled, “Dr. Huang sat with me for awhile and then I called Liv,” You frowned, why hadn’t he called you? You had just assumed Liv had dropped by on her own.

“Why didn’t you call me?” You asked softly, kissing his forehead. He flinched a little bit, looking annoyed with himself. You needed to remember to ask him before touching. He looked away briefly, and the room when quiet while he contemplated his answer.

“I thought maybe something happened with Gabriella, or you might need some time to yourself. I didn’t want to bother you,” he whispered finally, and your heart fell.

“Bother me!? I would have been glad to come back. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me,” you whispered. A few tears managed to escape his eyes,

“I don’t want to be a burden,” he whispered, his voice watery against your shoulder.

“Rafael,” you said softly, forcing him to look at you, “Darling, you are not a burden. None of this was your fault. If you need me, I want you to call me okay?” He nodded softly, sniffling and resting his head on your chest. You rubbed his back, kissing the top of his head, and he sighed softly. He was still tense in your arms.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings or anything, I just am so….she’s got me all spun around Y/N, I don’t know what--I don’t know how to feel. I feel numb or depressed or hopeless. It’s breaking me,” he whispered. You knew exactly what he meant. He was so caught up in the pain from everything, it felt like he was drowning. You were trying to be like a breath of fresh air, the way he was there for you, but it was so hard. You wished you were stronger. “I didn’t want her to….but why does it feel like I should have stopped it somehow? I know--I know there wasn’t anything I could do, but I still feel like I should have stopped it,”

“I know it’s hard, and I know you know this wasn’t your fault. I’ll tell you that until you get it through your thick skull,” you whispered, “How was talking with Dr. Huang?”

“It was fine, going outside was nice,” he replied. A loud noise from outside the room startled you. Rafael jumped, his hands twisting up in your shirt, “No, no, no, no,” he whispered.

“Just breathe, in four, out four. Someone probably dropped something. It’s okay,” you whispered, but he was rapidly spiraling into a panic attack. He clutched at you, his chest heaving in a way that had to hurt. You tried to hug him, but you didn’t want to restrict his movement or make him feel enclosed. He dissolved into sobs, whimpering and squeezing his eyes closed. Your fingers grazed his scalp, and despite his shaking, he seemed to be comforted by it.

“I need--I need some Xanax,” he whispered, but he had just had some not that long ago. You didn’t answer him right away, “Please Y/N, please, I need it. I can’t breathe,”

“You’re okay Rafa, you can’t have anymore Xanax yet. Just breathe,” you whispered. He let out a ragged sob, but you couldn’t have him overdosing again. You wanted more than anything to give him what he wanted. He made a pained sound, curling his legs up under him, like he was trying to protect himself. He sobbed for what felt like hours before he was all tuckered out, slowly dozing off. You covered him with the blanket, sitting in the chair beside his bed. You were likely going to stay all night. Your phone started to buzz in your pocket, so you pulled it out. It was Dr. Huang. You sighed, having forgotten to call him back. “Dr. Huang, I’m sorry i haven’t had the chance to call you back yet. This evening was a little crazy,” you said softly.

“Oh, it’s no problems, I just had a few things I needed to mention to you,” he said kindly. You ran a nervous hand through your hair. Wasn’t Rafael’s communication with him supposed to be private? You didn’t want that trust being violated because then Rafael wouldn’t want to continue his sessions. “I’m not going to get into any specifics, but based on a few things he discussed with me today, I have some stipulations before I will sign off for him to go home. He’s very angry to say the least, and I think he needs some time to himself, a place of his own to regroup. It’s my recommendation that he has his own room for a while, has his own bed to sleep in and a place where he can have some privacy,” You looked over to Rafael, and you could only imagine the anger he felt. He had been taken advantage of, robbed of the opportunity to watch his daughter grow up.   
“That can be arranged,” you said softly, “We’ll do anything he needs,”

“He needs space, don’t initiate contact if you can help it. Let him lead the way, let him show you what he needs. I will try to work with him on expressing his feelings to you. Don’t just go in his room, knock on the door, let him invite you in. I think it will be helpful for him to take back control of some aspects of his life,” the psychiatrist explained. Your head was spinning. There were so many things that you needed to keep track of, but you would commit them all to memory because you were dead set on helping Rafael no matter the cost. Bringing him home was going to be a lot more complicated than you had first thought, but it would make him much happier. “We can talk more in person soon, but I think if we implement these general guidelines, he’ll be able to start to get ahold of his life and himself,”

“Okay, well I’m sure we will have plenty to discuss next time I see you. Can you come to the hospital tomorrow? I want to get him home as soon as possible. I can let him sleep in our bedroom tomorrow night and I’ll take the couch,” you asked. He needed to be out of this place.

“Of course, I guess I’ll see the both of you then. I have some ideas on how to get him more interested in exercising, to motivate him,” he said, and that made you smile. You needed him to be okay, to get better, so this was encouraging. You had a plan. After you hung up, you just watched him as he slept. You couldn’t wait to see him at home with Gabriella like he had been yearning for since he was shot. He could hold Gabriella and feed her and play with her all he wanted, provided he minded his chest. He still wasn’t allowed to push or pull things at all, and there was a limit on what he could lift. He had to be very careful. That was how you fell asleep, watching Rafael and trying to figure out how everything was going to fall together to get him home. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so short guys but I worked all day. stayed up writing it. I’m gonna go ahead and say no chapter tomorrow. Idk about Monday. I’d love to hear what you think! Thanks :)

When you woke up, light was streaming in the room, and Rafael was still asleep. He looked exhausted, softly snoring as he lay on his side. He usually wasn’t able to sleep this long, not on his own at least. You stood up, resisting the urge to sit on the bed with him again. You needed to give him space, but it was hard not to just hold him tight every second you could. As you got closer to him, you caught sight of his pills on the other table. The bottle was resting on its side, open, and your stomach sank. You picked it up, but it didn’t feel much lighter than before. You glanced at Rafael, wondering if he had snuck some pills last night or just been tempted to. You didn’t want to ask him or accuse him, but you were now concerned. You dumped the pills out on the table, counting them. There were fifteen left. You’d just have to keep track of how many he was taking. You felt his forehead, he didn’t feel overly warm or sweaty, so you didn’t need to worry so much about him overdosing again. You shook him a little bit all the same, you needed to make sure he was okay and not passed out from the medicine. He groaned softly. “Raf, honey, wake up,” you whispered. He stirred, blinking blearily.

“D-Don’t, stop,” he mumbled.

“It’s just me Rafael, it’s Y/N,” you assured him, assuming he couldn’t tell who was there. He whimpered but started to open his eyes more. “Are you thirsty?” you asked gently. He nodded, his breathing shallow as he started to sit up. “Do you want water or ice?”

“Water,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Rafael was still half asleep when you brought him a water bottle with a straw. He sipped at it.

“How do you feel?” You asked gently, sitting beside him.

“Okay,” he whispered, leaning his head back.

“You hungry?” You asked. He was so thin, it had to be unhealthy. You were scared that soon enough you’d be able to see his ribs sticking out. Rafael shook his head, sipping more of the water. “Will you eat something for me?”

“How about you try this and tell me if you’re hungry,” he bit back, looking sullen. His eyes had fire in them, his face slightly reddened. He just looked so angry at everything, and you didn’t blame him, but you weren’t sure what to do. It was incredibly unfair what had happened to him, the pain that he had to constantly endure. He was playing with the blanket that was draped over him, glaring down at his lap. You sat at the end of the bed, and when he looked up at you, his eyes were filled with angry tears, “I’m sorry,” he whispered, face crumbling as he started to sob. He clutched at the blanket, reaching for Eddie who was still sitting beside him. Noah had insisted Rafael hold onto the elephant until he was out of the hospital. Sometimes he liked to squeeze it when he was upset. “I don’t understand anything anymore,” he whispered, “I don’t understand why you love me, I don’t understand why my father didn’t just kill me when had the chance, I think it would’ve been better for everyone. I can’t take this anymore,”

“Rafael,” you said, trying to keep your voice even. You felt tears flooding your eyes, “I love you because you are amazing. You are the smartest, most loving man I have ever met in my entire life. I love your gorgeous green eyes, I love the way your forehead crinkles when you’re thinking, I love the soft way you snore when you sleep, I even love how grumpy you get when you haven’t had your coffee. No one is perfect, but you are the best I could possibly ask for, and you are capable of being loved. Look at Noah baby, he doesn’t want to leave your side. He left Eddie with you. If you had died, my life would be all the worse for it. I need you,” He sniffled shakily, letting you take his hand. He squeezed it tightly, but he was still crying. His shaking hands made you want to wring that woman’s neck. He was already so hurt, and she took advantage of him anyways. She saw his vulnerability and preyed on it.

“D’you mean that?” he mumbled, starting to clutch at you desperately. He gently pulled you closer, and you let him bury his face against your shirt, dragging a hand through his locks and holding him in your arms.

“I mean it baby, I promise I mean it with all my heart,” you whispered against his hair. He shook his head, murmuring incoherently. “I think a shower might feel nice, come on babe,” You pulled on his shoulders, helping him sit up. He was still softly crying, but he managed to stand up, nodding when you asked him if he even wanted the shower. You got in the shower with him, but left your panties and sports bra on. He clung to you, his arms wrapped around your waist the whole time, hands resting on your lower back. You hated how broken he was; the gut wrenching noises that escaped his throat every few seconds made you sick to your stomach. How could anyone ever do this to Rafael? He sat hunched on the bench afterwards while you toweled him off. After his shower, he was calmer, but there was just this air of despair around him. You knew how it was. After enduring such a trauma there were ups and downs, and he seemed to just be having a bad day. Well, you weren’t going to sit there idly while he suffered. “I’m getting you out of here. Today,” you said seriously, escorting him back to his room. You asked the nurse to page Dr. Yang, who was the last person that needed to check him out before he could go home. He wasn’t talking much at all, instead staring at the wall. When Dr. Yang came in, she looked a little flustered and worried.

“Is something wrong?” she asked, coming over to Rafael’s bed.

“No, no, nothing is wrong. I need you to examine him and clear him to go home,” you said softly, “He needs to go home,” She stared at you for a second, sighing, but she washed her hands,

“I’m going to be honest with you, I would very much prefer he stayed at the hospital for a bit longer,” she said softly. Rafael flinched as she pulled his shirt out of the way gently, “Sorry Rafael,” she whispered, “I need to touch your incision, is that okay?” he nodded. It was red, worryingly red. He hissed when she ran her finger down it. “I don’t like how red this is, have you been taking your antibiotics?” she asked. You felt your throat starting to constrict, she couldn’t make him stay here. It was killing him slowly.

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered, “I take whatever they give me,” She checked his chart, frowning and writing something down. He looked so disinterested, like his brain was shutting him off again which was increasingly worrying to you. She had him get up and walk around, exercising a bit as she watched and recorded things.

“Well, I don’t think the nurse recorded your prescriptions correctly. I’m going to up the original antibiotics, but in pills. If you can promise me you will take them every single day and exercise lightly like walking, I am going to clear you to be discharged. I expect you to be here every week for a check up,” her voice was stern, but you felt so relieved. He was coming home. You honestly wanted to collapse down onto your knees and rejoice. Dr. Huang was dropping by in a few hours and then you probably had to fill out paperwork, but tonight he would be asleep in your bed. Rafael was winded, collapsing down onto the chair,

“My head,” he whimpered, leaning his face against the cool wall. You dug out your purse, getting him a could advil to take with his water.

“You have to eat if I give you these,” you said, refusing to back down. He looked offended for a moment, leveling you with a smouldering glare, but he eventually nodded. He looked exhausted, too tired to argue anymore. “I’m running down to the cafeteria and getting you breakfast, and you are going to eat all of it,” He glared again, but he wasn’t arguing and that was a win in your book. You got him some yogurt and a bagel, trying to keep it light enough that he wouldn’t get sick. He was messing around on his phone when you came back.

“What, no steak? I thought you were trying to put some meat on my bones,” he said dryly. You were glad his mood had improved just in the time you were gone...well that or he was trying to joke so he didn’t cry. You smiled and set the food down on his tray. He let you open the yogurt cup for him, taking a bite once you set it on his tray, “Banana?” he asked, making a face.

“Oh come on, it was either that or coconut and you’re allergic,” you said, rolling your eyes.

“And somehow I think I’d prefer the anaphylactic reaction,” he whispered. He slowly forced it down, looking like it was the last thing he wanted to be doing at the moment. You pried the bagel apart, spreading cream cheese on it. Not too much, but enough that he’d have some for every bite. You cut up the strawberries you grabbed and arranged the slices on top of the cream cheese. You were trying to get him nutritious food easily. In some ways, you wished that the feed tube was still in because at least then you knew he was constantly getting enough nutrients and not slowly starving to death. After his assault though, he had been moving around so much, the doctors wanted to try and see if he would start eating on his own. He wasn’t doing very well. He seemed to enjoy the bagel more, but he had to gulp down some water when he started to choke slightly. He finished what you brought him, so as promised you forked over the advil and new bottle of water. “Happy?” he asked softly.   
“As a matter of fact I am,” you said brightly, planting a kiss on his forehead. He managed a smile for you. “When we get home, you and I are going to lay on the couch and watch a movie,” you told him softly.

“What about Real Housewives? I must be massively behind,” he said with a little smile, making you laugh, “I’m gonna hold Gabriella all day,” he whispered, smiling as he thought about it.

“Maybe she’ll actually sleep then,” you commented. She slept better in his arms. He wasn’t there all day everyday to see how fussy she really got. All he ever saw was her crying when he held her, but she was usually much worse.

“I can’t wait to sleep in our bed again,” he whispered, “To have some privacy,” You stroked a hand through his hair,

“I know, I know this has been hard, but you are getting better. You can hold Gabriella and they will likely let you walk out of here on your own,” you reminded him, “And you are on medical leave from work, but eventually, once you feel better, your job will be waiting for you,” He snorted bitterly, but you were almost scared to ask. He would share if he wanted.

“Oh, hi,” Rafael said, looking up. You turned around and saw Dr. Huang at the door,

“Hi Y/N, Rafael,” he said with a smile, “I take it he’s been cleared for discharge?” You nodded, moving so he could sit down. “We have a lot to talk about. I want to make a treatment plan,” You got two chairs, one so you could sit, and one so Rafael could sit with the both of you and feel included, on an equal playing field. You listened as Dr. Huang explained what he wanted you to do with Rafael when you got home. His sleeping arrangements were supposed to be in a separate room, and you planned to let him have your bedroom. You could sleep on the couch for now. Dr. Huang wanted him spending at least an hour with Gabriella which you didn’t think would be a problem, and you were supposed to try and get him out of bed after ten am if you could. He showed you techniques to try and calm Rafael down, to help him snap out of flashbacks. You discussed boundaries for touching and what Rafael could say to you if he was feeling uncomfortable in a social or public situation. It was really very helpful. After your meeting with Dr. Huang the nurse brought you a stack of papers that you began to fill out, and then finally, finally, you were packing up his bag and getting him dressed. You styled his hair for him while you waited for the cab. As you walked him out the door to the cab, you reveled in the look on his face. He hadn’t looked that happy in weeks. He was finally coming home. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geeez. Sorry this took so long.....I’ve just been having a crazy week and it’s probably gonna get crazier.....this is sorta angsty, but I hope there is enough fluff too. Let me know what you think! Thanks :)

Rafael paused in front of the door. It was the last thing separating him from freedom, from being home with his daughter. He needed a moment to collect himself. He ran a hand through his newly cut, short hair. He finally didn’t look like a hobo anymore. You stood beside him, your hand hovering over his back, not quite touching, but you were there. He sighed before opening the door and walking in. Nothing was really all that different save for some toys strewn across the floor, but he felt different. He felt like he was somehow changed. He felt like a changed man, and he wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. Butterflies were fluttering around in his stomach, but he forced himself forward anyway. Ella was sitting in the living room, holding Gabriella and watching tv, and Rafael just wanted to grab her and hold her and never let her go. It was an overwhelming urge. He was finally not missing out. He felt tears prick his eyes, so he headed toward the bedroom. Sitting down down on the bed, he twisted his jacket around in his lap. It was fine, he was fine. None of this was new, but somehow it felt so foreign, like he didn’t belong anymore. He was itching to grab his phone and call Dr. Huang, but he tamped down on the urge, reminding himself to breathe. His foot tapping on the ground, he counted to ten and tried to calm down. Knock Knock. He jumped out of his skin, his brain starting to panic. He wasn’t sure if it was just him or if those knocks had been loud like gunshots. “Rafi?” it was your voice, “Are you okay baby?”

“M’fine,” he mumbled, trying not to sound so distressed.

“Can I come in?” you pressed. He didn’t want you to see him panicking like this. He had just gotten home, and he wanted to show you he could be okay. Feeling okay was another story. Knocking again, you started to say something else, but he was too busy trying not to cry.

“Fine, come in,” he relented, needing a hug. You came in the room slowly, sitting on the bed beside him. He sat there awkwardly, biting his knuckles to try and stifle his sobs before he practically threw himself into your arms. You held him tight, murmuring comforting words against his hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m trying,”

“Shhh, don’t be sorry baby,” you whispered, “It’s okay to be struggling, you’ve been through a lot,” He was shaking, his body trembling with violent heaves.

“I’m gonna be sick,” he whined, so you pulled over a trash can, rubbing his back as he started to vomit. He grabbed at his chest, his eyes watering as he gagged. He wiped his eyes after, collapsing back and breathing heavily, “Ow,” he whimpered, groaning, “Unnhh, that hurt,”

“Okay, okay, just rest for a few minutes, then we’ll get you up,” you whispered, stroking fingers through his short hair. Rafael shut his eyes, laying sprawled out across your lap. You nudged him over onto his side, maneuvering him into the recovery position. He was coughing softly, exacerbating his chest pain. “Doing okay down there?” You whispered.

“If by okay you mean dying a slow and painful death, then yes, I would say I’m doing okay,” he replied dryly before dissolving into a coughing fit. You rubbed soothing circles on his back. Rafael thankfully finally started to relax and calm down, going limp and shutting his eyes. The only real sign you had that he was alive was the ragged breathing that was escaping him.

“Would some water help?” You asked softly, but he didn’t answer. He curled in on himself, starting to still. His breathing was slowing down, and he looked exhausted. “Raf, come on, get up and I’ll get you in bed,” You supported him under his armpits, gently easing him up to his feet so he could get in bed. He stumbled slightly, but he collapsed happily into the bed, curling up on his side. He could finally just close his eyes. “When you wake up, you need to take some pills okay, but for now you just sleep. Can I kiss you?” He nodded, and then your lips were brushing against his temple, “Sleep well baby,” that was the last thing he heard before the fuzzy exhaustion consumed him.

His head felt fuzzy, consumed with the airy sensation that accompanied his anxiety drugs. His head was pounding, his body overwhelmed by sensation. Pleasure was coursing through his veins, warmth pooling in his abdomen. “I thought you’d never wake up,” he felt chilled to the bone. How...no...she couldn’t be back. He was at home. He was supposed to be safe, but instead, here he was again, being violated and held against his will. Those fingers wrapped around him, they were wringing noises from his lips despite his best efforts and then he was seven years old again and scared out of his mind.

He was laying in bed after a long day of school. He clutched his teddy bear, wishing that he could somehow fit in better. He liked school, or he had. Now he worried everyday about if he was going to be beat up or get his lunch money stolen. Eddie and Alex tried to help him, to protect him, but they couldn’t babysit him every minute of everyday. He had a few nasty bruises that were hidden beneath his shirt. Coming home to an angry and drunk father and a mother who watched him get beat was demoralizing. The soft sound of his door opening made him squeeze his eyes shut, pretending to be asleep. The heavy smell of booze clued him into the identity of the person who sat on his bed beside him. A hand pulled the blanket back, rubbing over his shirt and tousling his hair, “Rafi,” his name was whispered. Rafael turned over, his big green eyes going wide,

“Papi?” he asked softly. His father seemed to think for a few moments, taking another swig of his whiskey before leaning down,

“You want to be a good boy for Papi?” he asked softly. Rafael didn’t know what that meant, but if he didn’t get hit, he would do just about anything. He nodded. “You’re such a good boy, you know that,” Rafael staid deathly still as the man leaned in, kissing his face and then his lips and he jerked back a little bit.

“Wha--”

“Shh, shhh,” his protests were quieted by a finger covering his lips, “It’s okay Rafael, just be quiet for me and hold still,” He felt his stomach rolling as rough hands pulled his pajama pants down to his knees and then there was a hand….on his...and his young body was so sensitive. An arm wrapped around his shoulders, a face pressed into his hair as the hand kneaded and rubbed him. He had no idea this was just the beginning.

Rafael awoke with a jolt, rapidly sucking in breaths. He leaned back against the headboard, covering his face with his hands as he tried to recover from the startling dream. It took him several minutes to get ahold of himself. He was sweating profusely and not in the mood to sleep anymore despite his splitting headache. He sat up slowly, wiping the dampness from his forehead and then cradling his head into his hands. Sitting on the nightstand was a glass of water that he grabbed and brought to his lips. His throat felt like he had been screaming for hours. He stood up, running a shaking hand through his hair before heading to the living room. He was trying to keep ahold of himself, to stop himself from rushing into your arms. He didn’t want to be nuisance or a burden which he knew was impossible to avoid when he needed constant reassurance and coddling. You were sitting on the couch, watching tv, and he slowly sat down on the complete opposite side, curling his legs up under himself.

“Hey,” you said kindly, not moving to sit beside him like you usually would, “How are you feeling,” He nervously picked at the couch. Had he done something? Did you even love him anymore? Had you really loved him ever? He didn’t seem to be good for anything but sex; that’s all anyone ever wanted from him, and now he couldn’t even do that. You would get sick of waiting around for him to get his act together and you’d leave him--- “Rafael?”

“Oh, okay I guess,” he whispered, feeling vaguely psychotic at the moment. It felt like his skin was too tight for his body. He tried to focus on the tv show, but the tumultuous emotions roaring inside him were demanding his attention. “Where’s Gabriella?” He asked softly, digging his nails into his forearm.

“She’s taking a nap. Should be up in an hour or so and you can hold her if you want,” you told him with a smile. He leaned his head back against the couch, feeling like he was going to be sick again. “Are you hungry? I can make you some lunch or something,” he shook his head no. He wanted to scream at how unfair it all was. This was supposed to be easier, home was supposed to be better, but he didn’t feel better at all. He could feel your eyes on him, probably because usually he wasn’t nearly this quiet, usually you couldn’t get him to shut up. “Rafi, what’s wrong?” You asked softly, and he turned away to try and hide the tears. You didn’t press him. He sat like that for a few moments until he couldn’t take it anymore. He looked over toward you, and you patted your lap. He crawled over resting his head on your thigh and curling his legs up beside him. You started to stroke your hand in his hair and down his back which was comforting to him. He had been able to condition himself to not flinch so much when you touched his hair. He dissolved into the sobs he had been holding in, and you just rubbed his back through it all. You promised him it would get better, and he tried desperately to believe you.

“I need—I need some Xanax,” he whispered, and you nodded, easing out from under him. When you returned, he gulped down the pills with some water and immediately began to feel calmer.

“I know you said you didn’t want lunch, but I’m going to make you a sandwich that I want you to try and eat, okay?” You told him, and he nodded. That was fair. He would try for you. He spent the time you were in the kitchen wiping his eyes and starting to watch whatever was on. It was some sort of crime show. He grabbed the remote almost immediately, flipping on your recorded reruns of Boy Meets World. You were usually the one who avoided crime shows like the plague, claiming it made you feel like you were working at home. He liked darker shows like Criminal Minds or Hannibal when he decided to watch tv instead of reading a book. This was safe though. You didn’t take long to come back to him, holding a little plate with a sandwich that was cut diagonally. He took it, sitting up so you could have your seat back. You wrapped an arm around his shoulders while he slowly forced himself to eat. It wasn’t that it was bad, but he was just not hungry at all. Food wasn’t enjoyable anymore, and he never felt hungry. “Do you need anything baby?” You asked softly. He slowly felt his whole body starting to relax, his blood pressure lowering, his heart rate starting to slow. He finished the last few bites, leaning his head down on your shoulder. You rubbed his back and his shoulders. He sighed softly, shutting his eyes and just relishing feeling safe. “That’s it,” You whispered, “You’re okay,”

“M’okay,” he murmured, repeating the phrase to try and make himself believe it.

“You should probably go for a walk tonight,” you reminded him. He shook his head. The last thing he wanted to do was go exercise. He just wanted to lay down all day and never get up. This was perfect. Here he was safe. Outside was….outside was unpredictable. “Raf, you have to,” You told him sternly. He shook his head again, fighting the sudden ache in his throat, the precursor to tears.

“I don’t want to, please don’t make me,” he whispered. You paused the movement of your hand, and he was afraid he had made you angry.

“Raf, I don’t want to make you, but you know you have to,” You said gently, “What would make it better?” You resumed the soothing strokes across his back and through his hair.

“Nothing will make it better,” He whispered, hiding his face against your shirt.

“What if you, me, and Gabriella went for a walk?” You asked softly. He sniffled, looking up at you,

“You mean that?” He asked, and you nodded. He bit his lip, closing his eyes and taking a cleansing breath. “I g-guess we can try it,” You kissed the top of his head approvingly, wrapping your other arm around him too. He was clinging and he knew it, but he couldn’t help himself. You just made him feel so much better about everything. “I—thank you for being patient with me,” he whispered. You squeezed him tighter, rubbing his arm and back and anything you could get to.

“Rafael, you take all the time you need, to adjust, to kiss, anything. I will gladly be here for you, in any way you want or need okay?” You murmured. He grasped your hand, holding it tight in his larger one. He felt like a child. He moved so he could tuck his face against your neck. The warm, sweet smell of your perfume would usually rouse a warm feeling in his stomach, the memory of being pressed up against warm soft skin, the passion and heat of intimacy, but now it made him lament the loss of happiness that used to accompany such thoughts. He used to be able to see you and want you, and not feel like he was going to fall apart. Now when he looked at you, all he could do was feel inadequate. Somehow everything felt tainted, and he wished it didn’t.

“I wish I could--I hate this,” he whispered. You nodded softly,

“I know you do, I know exactly how you feel Rafa,” you assured him, “I’m so sorry,” He was quiet for awhile until you asked him a soft question, “Is there something you want to watch?” you asked. He shrugged. Your fingers in his hair made his eyes flutter shut.

“Just not—no crime shows. I can’t,” he whispered. You agreed, continuing to practically pet him. He sighed contentedly, ignoring the raging despair that was constantly trying to drag him down and focusing on the soothing sensations of your fingers grazing his scalp and running across his back with just enough pressure that it felt extremely pleasant. Soon enough, he was starting to drift in his awareness.

The darkness was almost overwhelming, but he sat back and watched as you hung lanterns to light the way. He held Gabriella tight in his arms, trying to drown out the banging from the other side of the wall. Everything bad was trying to force its way in, and that was how he found himself cowering in the back corner. “They’re gonna get in,” He whispered.

“No they won’t Rafael,” you promised, sitting beside him.

“Yes they will. They’re gonna get in and then they’re gonna get me,” he tried not to think about his inevitable fate, instead focusing on the peace and tranquility that consumed the cave. It was a calm place where he could hide. He looked down to his sleeping daughter, his rock. She was what kept him going. His girls. He had to be brave for you both.

“Raf,” your voice startled him out of his hideaway. He blinked a few times, starting to try and sit up without using his arms. It was a lot easier said than done. You helped him get himself up, and then he realized what the problem was. Crying. Very loud crying.

“Y/N!” That was Ella’s voice, and you were already on your way back to the baby’s room. He wanted to get up and help, but he didn’t want to be in the way. You returned shortly, bouncing her in your arms and trying to get her to calm down. Rafael sat up, making little faces at her. She looked at him curiously, her cries stopping for a moment. She seemed to be wondering what he was doing here. Rafael looked to you, a shy smile on his face.

“You want to hold her?” You asked softly, and he nodded eagerly, reaching for his baby. She peered up at him for a few minutes before being distracted by the novelty of her own hand. She waved it in front of her face, curiously experimenting. She smiled, making a gurgling sound and clumsily smacking Rafael with her hand. He laughed softly, leaning down and kissing her face.

“I love you,” he murmured, “Yes I do. That’s your hand,” he touched it, grinning when she grabbed his finger.

“She’s gonna need changed and then to eat, you want to help?” You asked softly.

“What kind of question is that? Of course I do,” he immediately replied. You smiled, standing up to go get a diaper and rash cream. He moved onto the floor next to you, gently setting her down. He unbuttoned her onsie, sliding it up and starting on her diaper. You sat beside him, rubbing his back as he worked. He paused, looking at you uncertainly. “Won’t it hurt her?” He asked softly. You shook your head,

“You have to clean her up and then put the cream on and that will help,” you told him softly. She started crying while he wiped her off, and he looked like he was going to cry.

“It’s okay princess, I’ll make you feel all better after this sweetheart,” he whispered. He got her all dressed again, going to wash his hands while you picked her up. You gently placed her in his arms, and he immediately starting walking her around and hushing her wails. He grinned triumphantly when she quieted down. “Are you hungry? Hmm, is that what’s making you cry baby girl?” He sat on the couch, rocking her while you warmed up a bottle. He was smoothing her hair back and cradling her against his chest when you returned and you wanted to just pause and be stuck in that moment forever. He looked carefree and happy as he held your daughter. Carefully, he got her to take the bottle and start eating, and you laughed slightly at how cautious he was being to fully tilt it so the nipple was filled with milk. “She’s so small,” he whispered, “I feel like I’m going to break her somehow,”

“You won’t break her,” You said with a laugh, wrapping an arm around him and leaning against his shoulder. He leaned his head down against yours, and you prayed that it would stay like this for the rest of the night. He finally seemed to have settled in. You spent a half hour like that before it was time for him to exercise. He looked distressed when you made him get up and get dressed. He put on some jeans and a light long sleeve as it was a breezy August evening. He was shaking slightly as you headed out the door. Rafael was warily watching people on the street as they passed him. He was walking slowly beside you while you pushed the stroller. He wasn’t allowed to push anything yet, so he couldn’t do it himself. You noticed the way he was nervously looking around at everyone, his hand trembling as you took it into your own. He was so scared. “No one is going to hurt you Rafael,” you whispered, but he didn’t seem to notice what you had said. His head was slightly down, like he was embarrassed, his hair messy from running his fingers nervously through it (he seemed to be doing that a lot more than usual). The walk was nice, but Rafael didn’t seem to enjoy it. You just wished you could somehow takeaway his pain. He had been doing so well, seemingly forgetting the bad for awhile, but one little thing was enough to bring it tumbling back immediately. He disappeared into his room after that, shutting the door with a resounding click. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter, I’m gonna try to get some more plot development going soon. This next week is gonna be rough so please be patient with me. I hope you guys enjoy and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading! ;)

He didn’t come back out. You sat in the living room, watching tv with Gabriella in your arms, waiting for Rafael to come out of his room, but he never did. Eventually, you had to put her down, so you took care of that before going to knock on his door. “Raf?” He didn’t answer, “Rafael? Honey are you okay?”

“M’fine, don’t come in,” his voice certainly didn’t sound fine.

“Do you want some dinner?” You asked softly, not even touching the door knob. You didn’t want to startle him. He was quiet for a very long time before his voice returned, sounding even more distressed somehow.

“I’m not hungry,” the tears were obvious, but the anger surprised you. Was he mad at you? You couldn’t really tell.

“Okay, I’m going to bed soon, so I’ll be out on the couch if you need me. Is there anything you want before I lay down?” You said gently, having to force yourself to give him his space.

“Don’t sleep on the couch,” his voice was soft. You weren’t a fan of yelling through the door like this. You couldn’t see his face or read his body language, but you knew exactly what this was. He just didn’t want you sleeping in the couch because of him. You could tell he wasn’t really ready or asking for you to come into bed.

“I’m gonna sleep out there baby, I’ll be fine. You know what Dr. Huang said,” you insisted. There was a loud thump that echoed out from the room, “Raf,”

“Just leave me alone,” his voice was soft, and it broke your heart.

“Just tell me you’re okay and I will,” you promised. You weren’t sure what that loud noise had been. Had he fallen?

“If you need something for bed, just come in already and get it,” he said in a voice that was suddenly disinterested. What? You weren’t worried about getting stuff for bed. There were pillows in the closet out here and blankets. You were worried about him. You opened the door anyways, and he was curled up under what seemed to be a mountain of blankets. It was immediately apparent what had made that noise: he had thrown his shoes against the wall, one laying by the door and the other across the room. He had two pillows waiting for you at the foot of the bed, his favorite blanket folded up on top. He knew you loved that blanket because it smelled like him and was soft and warm. You were always playfully fighting over it, especially when he behaved like the complete cover hog he was and stole it in the middle of the night.

“I don’t need your blanket,” you said softly. Somehow the look on his face turned even more heartbreaking. “Rafael, talk to me,” You said softly, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Just go,” He whispered, “I want to be alone,” You hesitated, but in the end, you knew you had to honor his request. You collected a few things, heading to the door,

“I’m right out here if you need me. I love you,” you said, pausing in the doorway. Rafael didn’t answer. You gently shut the door. You laid awake for the most of the night, hearing Rafael softly crying and being helpless to do anything. You knew he needed space, but you wanted so desperately to comfort him. You felt a warm lump curl up on your feet close to one, and eventually you sat up, turning the tv on low and scratching Brady behind the ears. You couldn’t sleep, not without knowing he was okay. The dog was a comfort, cuddling up on your lap and snuggling into your caresses. The dog had honestly been a lifesaver with Rafael in the hospital, sleeping in bed with you and cuddling as he provided unconditional love. You missed Rafael. He was here, but he wasn’t really. You could see glimpses of him at times, but he was completely falling apart. You heard a particularly anguished sob, and you had enough. You stood up, pausing at the door before knocking. “Rafi,” you said softly, “Are you okay?”

“Go away,” he said just loud enough for you to hear. You sunk down to the floor outside his room, trying to somehow come up with something that would make him feel better. You hated listening to him like this. Brady slunk over into your lap again, licking your face and leg. Eventually the noise died down, and you hesitantly made your way back to the couch. You were half asleep when your phone dinged with a text.

 _I’m not mad at you. Thank you for trying to help. I’m sorry_ \-- R

You quickly yped back an answer, sending it to him and watching as it went from delivered to read.

_I know baby, I love you more than anything. Don’t be sorry about any of this._

After that you felt better about sleeping. You quickly started to doze off, the dog tucked up against your side.

You were startled awake by a piercing cry and a warm tongue dragging against your face like sandpaper. You tiredly got up, shrugging Brady off before heading back toward Gabriella’s room. When you got in there, Rafael was already hanging half over the side of the crib, looking sleepy, but making little faces and shushing noises at Gabriella. You reached in and picked her up, and he held out his arms expectantly, dropping into the rocking chair as soon as he had her. “I think she’s hungry,” he whispered. You nodded, going out to get a bottle. How had he managed to beat you to her room? He usually took a good five to ten minutes to get out of bed all on his own, not to mention he must be exhausted. You were really glad he hadn’t tried to pick her up because you honestly wouldn’t put it past him to ignore the doctor’s orders. When you returned, you couldn’t help but smile at his facial expression. He still looked awestruck by your daughter. He looked at her like she was the most perfect thing in the entire world. You couldn’t resist the urge to rub your hand over his arm and back as he sat there, feeding Gabriella. “I wasn’t very nice to you earlier. I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“You’re fine Rafael,” you assured him, “I think Dr. Huang is going to come over tomorrow morning, and then we need to go in and see Dr. Shepherd about your headaches,”

“Speaking of which, can I have some Advil or something?” He asked softly. You nodded, going to get him a couple pills and something to eat. There wasn’t that much in the fridge because you hadn’t been grocery shopping in awhile. You got him a clementine that you peeled and a glass of water. He glared slightly when you came back, letting out a loud sigh before handing Gabriella over and starting to eat. He swallowed the Advil, leaning back and closing his eyes.

“Here, let’s get you back in bed,” you said softly once Gabriella was back asleep. Rafael nodded blearily, getting up and barely staying on his feet. You walked him to your bedroom, and he crawled under the covers again.

“Night,” he murmured.

“Good night Rafi,” you replied, closing the door.

The next morning, Rafael didn’t appear from his room until well after ten. You knew you were supposed to get him up before that, but he had a rough night, and you couldn’t bring yourself to wake him. He look soft and sleepy when he came out to the living room. You made him some breakfast which he grudgingly picked at. He was lounging in only his boxers and a soft tee shirt on the couch when you got up to go to the grocery store. You could feel his eyes on you as you got your coat and shoes, starting to pack up the car seat. He looked anxious. “W-where are you going?” He finally asked. His eyes were wide as he ran a hand through his fluffy, sleep-messy hair.

“I need to run to the store. We need groceries,” you told him.

“And you’re taking Gabriella?” He asked, almost twitching with nerves. He was playing with a piece of fuzz on the couch.

“I was going to,” You said, coming closer to the couch, “Would you like to come with?” He shut his eyes, running a tired hand over his face.

“No. Not really,” he whispered, “C-could I watch her while you go to the store?” You paused. Could he handle that on his own? What if he had a meltdown? Ella was here somewhere, so it wasn’t like he’d be all alone, and it would make your life easier. He was looking st you pleadingly.

“Sure baby, just call me if you need anything. Let me get her for you,” you eventually said. Rafael looked nervous still, but calmer. He gladly took her into his arms, carefully supporting her head. You kissed his forehead, “I’ll be back in half hour or an hour. I love you,” you whispered. He nodded. Once you left, it was just Rafael and Gabriella. He held her as she dozed for a while, watching tv, but then he heard a noise outside, probably just the wind, but it made him nervous all the same. He tried to ignore the nagging feeling that he was in some sort of danger. His heart was absolutely racing, a pounding sensation in his head. He turned the volume up louder, trying to force his attention on the show, not his paranoia. His tension must have been palpable though because Gabriella began to get fussy, sensing his distress. He couldn’t have that, so he headed to the kitchen, looking for where you put his pills. He knew he should probably try to hold off on taking them, to see if he could work through it on his own, but he was tired of feeling anxious. They were tucked in the cabinet, and he frowned at the odd hiding place. He didn’t dwell on it, taking two with some water. Afterwards, he laid in the living room, Gabriella curled up on his chest. She quickly fell asleep, listening to the steady beating of his heart, and it wasn’t long until he began to feel drowsy himself. He felt happy as he let the exhaustion drag him down.

When you returned to the apartment, you were carrying handfuls of bags upstairs. You somehow managed to get the door open and put everything in the kitchen on your own. You paused after getting it all in, wondering where Rafael could possibly be. You had been expecting him to be practically waiting at the door for you. When you went into the living room, your questions were answered. There he laid on the couch, fast asleep, Gabriella passed out on his chest. You took a quick picture, smiling softly to yourself. You didn’t want to wake him, but Dr. Huang was coming soon and he needed to do his breathing exercises and take his medicine. “Rafi,” you whispered, resisting the urge to touch his face. You didn’t want to startle him. “Rafael, honey, wake up,”

“Hmm?” He murmured blearily, rubbing his eyes.

“You need to do your breathing stuff,” You said gently, reaching for the baby.

“No, just a couple more minutes,” he said pleadingly. He looked at you with puppy dog eyes, and you sighed,

“Five minutes,” you said softly, and you were immediately gratified with a big smile from him. He started to sit up, shifting her around so he could hold her more comfortably. She was so precious. They were quite the pair, and you couldn’t wait to watch him with her as she got older. He just was so enamoured by her.

“I can’t believe I almost passed this up,” He whispered. “I’ve fucked so many things up, but this, this is the one good thing I did,”

“Don’t even say that Rafael, you have done plenty of amazing things,” you whispered, stroking his face. “You listen to me, you are a stubborn, stubborn man, but I would not lie to you. You are amazing and selfless and gentle and kind and strong and thoughtful and I could go on forever. You have to believe me,” he had tears shimmering in his eyes, and he covered your hand that was resting in his cheek with his own. He nodded softly,

“I’m trying,” he whispered, “I’m really trying,”

“I know you are,” you assured him, “And I’m here to help you, but you need to talk to me,”

“Okay,” He whispered, pausing for a few minutes to collect himself, “I think I get five more minutes, you made me cry,” You let out a long-suffering sigh, but relented.

“Are you gonna be a drama queen like Daddy?” You teased and Rafael huffed, but let out a laugh,

“No, I think you’ll be bossy like Mommy,” he shot back. You loved the smirk that appeared on his face.

“I’m bossy?” You said incredulously, “You’re the one who yelled at a man until he choked you with a belt in open court you insane person,”

“Oh come on,” he said with a laugh, “You told me I was marrying you, and how do you even know about that?”

“Liv tells stories Rafael, you couldn’t have thought I wouldn’t find out,” you whispered, glad to see him smiling and laughing, “Also you proposed first, and I was just reminding you,”

“We should stop while we’re ahead, this could go all night,” he said with a laugh.

“I think your five minutes are up mister,” you said softly. He grudgingly forced himself to hand her over. He rubbed his sweaty hands on his pants while you went to find his plastic breathing thing. Neither of you could seem to remember what it was called, not that you really cared. You were planning on smashing it at the first opportunity you got. Rafael looked forlorn when you returned, eyeing the plastic with a deep hatred. You handed him a pillow, sitting beside him and rubbing his back. You had left Gabriella with Ella so you could give him your full attention. “Once you do this, I’m gonna make you a cup of tea, and you can take a half hour nap if you want. Dr. Huang will be here soon,” He nodded, taking a calming breath. He pressed the pillow to his chest, forcing a cough out. He already had tears in his eyes, but he did another one before taking the plastic tool from your hands. He brought it to his lips, sucking in and squeezing his eyes shut. He groped around blindly for your hand, squeezing it as hard as he could. Why the hell did it hurt so badly? He leaned into your soft touches, forcing himself to do it again.

“Fuck,” he hissed, “It feels like my lungs are going to explode,”

“I know, I know, just a couple more Rafi. You’re almost done,” you promised. He nodded, starting again. His face was contorted with pain.

“Unnngh, ow, I can’t, I can’t do it,” he groaned, wet, ragged breaths escaping him. You guided his head to your shoulder, kissing his sweat soaked hair,

“You can do it Rafi, just two more. Get two more out for me,” you whispered. He laid still for a few moments before lifting his head and looking tortured as he brought the plastic to his lips once more. He sucked in a deep breath, but he started sputtering and coughing in the middle of that set. He managed to do it a few more times for you despite the pain, and then he coughed twice, collapsing back against the couch. His eyes were squeezed closed, sweat glistening across his skin. You rubbed his thigh, “I’m right here. What do you need,”

“Y/N,” he whimpered, sounding like a child. He pressed his face against your chest when you pulled him into your arms.

“I’m right here Rafael,” you repeated. He sniffled, curling into you. “Okay, shh, do you want some water?” He nodded. You eased off the couch, going to the kitchen and filling a cup with water, but you froze when you saw his Xanax bottle sitting on the counter. Normally, he wouldn’t be so careless if he was trying to hide things from you, so you had no idea if he was sneaking around or just taking his medicine as prescribed. You closed it, changing the hiding place before getting his antibiotics out. You didn’t want to open this can of worms. Honestly, it scared the crap out of you. You didn’t think that he could possibly be….no, no way….you would just have to keep an eye on him and assure yourself everything was okay. He looked far too pale and a little green when you came back in the room. You gently felt his forehead. His lidded eyes fluttered open, a groan escaping his lips as he curled in on himself. His looked broken. “Can you sit up, take these pills?” you asked softly. He nodded, taking them and trying to swallow, but he started to choke and ended up throwing up everywhere.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he sobbed.

“Shh, shh, it’s perfectly fine, here come on,” You got him up to his feet and walked him to the bathroom. He sat on the floor, leaning weakly against the wall. “I’m going to go clean up, I’ll be right back and I’ll help you get clean okay?” He nodded, looking out of it. You wrote down the time quickly as Dr. Shepherd asked you to keep track of any possible neurological symptoms, and then you started to clean up the mess in the living room. Rafael had barely eaten anything as it was. Once you finished up, you went back to him and he was half asleep, propped up against the wall and sagging. He looked practically dead. “Here baby, come on,” you whispered, pushing on his shoulders to get him up. You gently pulled on the hem of his shirt, “Just gonna get you in the shower,” you whispered. He leaned against you, resting his face on your shoulder until you needed him to raise his head. You got him under the warm water, gently massaging body wash into his skin.

“It hurts,” he whispered, so you continued to hold him tight,

“I know it does Rafael, I know baby,” you cooed. He stood there tiredly as you cleaning him up, and then dried him off, gently helping him dress himself. He was shivering as he stood there, waiting for you to tell him what to do. He looked so lost, and it broke your heart. “What do you need right now?” you asked softly, stepping into his space. Rafael’s hands went to your hips, clutching you to him. He was all over the place, one moment wanting his space and the next hanging off of you like you were surgically attached.

“I-I don’t know,” he whispered.

“Okay, well, how about I make you that tea that I promised, and I’ll get you some lunch. Dr. Huang should be on his way,” you murmured, wrapping an arm around his waist after untangling yourself from his embrace. He let you guide him to sit on the couch. You draped a blanket over his shoulders, worrying about the blank look on his face. It didn’t take you long to make him some soup that you hoped would help calm his stomach so he could try the antibiotics again. He looked incredibly small, the way he positioned himself, his shoulders hunched, legs pressed tight together. You set the bowl down in front of him on the table and the mug of tea. “Rafael,” you said gently, sitting beside him. He looked at you blankly, his hands shaking. “Babe, I made you some tea,” He nodded, pausing to collect himself before reaching for it. Suddenly a flash of fur launched onto the couch and to Rafael, licking his face and yapping. Rafael almost spilled the tea all over himself, but he was quickly able to get himself under control. Brady was licking every inch of skin he could reach. “Oh someone missed his Daddy,” you said softly. Rafael looked like he wanted to push Brady off, but instead he pet the dog’s head. Brady nuzzled his head into Rafael’s hand. There was a knock on the door not long after that, and you stood up to go answer it. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just finished this next chapter! Hope you guys enjoy and I’ve been loving your comments. You guys really are the best :) let me know what you think and enjoy! Thanks for reading :)

Rafael sat on the couch, self consciously running fingers through his messy hair. He tugged on his boxers, trying somehow to will them into being longer and less torn up. “Would you liked to change your clothes Rafael? Would that make you more comfortable?” Dr. Huang’s voice was kind and soft, but he felt his face burning all the same. He nodded, standing up and retrieving some sweatpants from the bedroom before returning. “So, how have you been feeling since you got home?”

“I don’t know,” Rafael sighed, “It’s a lot. At first I just felt like I didn’t even belong here anymore. I feel different,” He hated admitting that because he wanted to present and happy, but he couldn’t.

“Why’s that Rafael?” He asked softly. Rafael sat there, toying with his clothes and anything he could get his hands on. He didn’t like answering these questions.

“Can we talk about something else?” He finally asked softly. Dr. Huang nodded,

“How about going outside, have you been getting some time in the fresh air?” He asked. Rafael didn’t like any of these questions. He needed to answer some of them and he knew that, but he didn’t want to.

“I don’t like it outside,” he whispered, “Y/N made me take a walk yesterday, but I just feel like people are staring at me or going to hurt me, I don’t know,” He wrapped his arms around himself protectively.

“Rafael,” Dr. Huang paused like he wasn’t sure if the next question was a good idea, “Has someone hurt you like this before,” Rafael felt his breath catch in his throat. He clenched up his fists, digging his nails into any skin he could get to.

“Did Y/N say something to you?” He asked almost angrily, how else would Dr. Huang catch onto that so quickly. Rafael had been hiding it for years and years.

“No Rafael, she didn’t,” Dr. Huang said softly, trying to soothe the sudden irritation. He could feel Dr. Huang’s eyes on his arms where he was currently scratching and almost breaking the skin with his nails. “Does it make you feel better when you do that?” He asked softly.

“I don’t know,” Rafael whispered tearfully, “Nothing really makes me feel better,”

“What about Gabriella?” He asked softly.

“I mean some things make me forget for a little bit, but it always hurts again,” He whispered. Rafael didn’t like this conversation; he felt sick. “I hate—I hate Y/N having to take care of me. Last night she was up almost all night because I wasn’t doing well,”

“Well she cares about you Rafael. I’m sure she doesn’t mind being here when you are struggling,” he said, trying to make Rafael feel better.

“Why,” he suddenly whispered bitterly.

“Why what?”

“Why does she care about me?” He whispered. He felt the burning tears in his eyes, choking him. He didn’t understand. He was clutching at his blanket now, holding it to him as he sniffled. “I didn’t—I don’t deserve her,”

“Why don’t you deserve her Rafael? You deserve to be happy,” Dr. Huang asked, frowning.

“Happy,” Rafael scoffed, “I don’t know if I’ve ever really been happy in my entire life. Except….”

“Don’t deflect, why wouldn’t you deserve to be happy,” he pushed. Rafael squirmed around uncomfortably for a moment. Dr. Huang didn’t usually make him talk about things he wanted to avoid, but he had been fairly evasive so far today on almost every topic.

“I—I’m so needy and broken, and before all of this I was broken in different ways. I am grumpy, I can be mean and down right rude to her, there are so many reasons. I’m just not--I’m not worth any of this,” he whispered. He dropped his head, sucking in an anguished breath, “She doesn’t need this, me, my baggage, and I know eventually she’s gonna realize that and then I’ll be all alone again and I’ll lose my daughter, and that’s probably better for her anyways, but--”

“Okay, woah, slow down a little bit Rafael, take a deep breath,” Dr. Huang said softly, coming to sit closer to Rafael, “Look at me, can I touch your shoulder?”

“Y-Yeah sure,” he whispered, looking up through tearful eyes at the psychiatrist.

“You are catastrophizing Rafael, you’re panicking when you need to breathe. I know people have made you feel like nothing, but they don’t define you. When you start feeling like this, take a very deep breath, and tell yourself all of the good things you’ve ever done. Tell me one thing you’ve done that you think is good,” Dr. Huang said gently. He gave Rafael a reassuring pat on the arm.

“I--I made Gabriella,” he whispered.

“Good, try another,” he encouraged. Rafael shut his eyes for a moment,   
“I proposed to Y/N,” he finally replied, and he shut his eyes, burying his head in his hands, “I went to Harvard, graduated summa cum laude. I put bad people in jail,”

“That’s it Rafael. Maybe you should try starting a journal,” he suggested, “Write down how you feel, make a list of good things to look at when you feel down,” Rafael nodded softly. “Can we return to an earlier question? If you really don’t want to talk about it, we can try again another time, but you said you were broken before. You want to tell me about that?” Rafael gasped softly, sniffling and trying not to cry. Dr. Huang gave him a few moments to relax and recover.

“I don’t know if I can….” he whispered, “I don’t like….it’s bad. It’s really, really bad,”

“And all of this wasn’t?” he prodded, unsure of what Rafael could be hinting at.

“No. This is….it’s disgusting,” he said softly, “I don’t want to talk about it,”

“Okay, maybe some other time, let’s take a walk now. I’ll walk with you,” Dr. Huang offered. Rafael looked apprehensive, but he stood up, doing as he was told. He had his hands stuffed in his pockets as they slowly walked down the street.

“You know, before I met Y/N, I did some bad, bad things. I was--I think I was depressed, but I’m not sure. I couldn’t take the stress of my job and of everything…..everything else that happened. I would just get drunk, all the time, and I’d go home and sleep it off and go to work again, but then I met her and everything just felt okay. For once I felt alright,” he admitted,

“Did you ever deal with what happened to you? Or did you just try to ignore it?” Dr. Huang asked softly.

“I tried to ignore it, and sometimes it worked, but sometimes I would wake up screaming in the middle of the night. I let it control me. We almost didn’t have Gabriella because of it, because of me,” he whispered. He was shaking at this point, and he needed to stop and collect himself before they kept moving, “It still hurts. Sometimes I dream about all of it, getting shot, being raped, everything else,” He looked down at the ground, counting the cracks in the sidewalk as he moved forward. Counting things sometimes helped to calm him down.

“Do you hurt yourself ever?” he asked, and Rafael’s head whipped up,

“Is this about the scratching?” he whispered, and Dr. Huang looked right at him,

“I’m just asking you a question Rafael,” he assured him gently, “Even if you don’t, do you ever want to?” Rafael looked away.

“No, not anymore at least,” he finally admitted, “When I was younger, a long time ago, I hurt myself more than once, but it’s been a long time since then,”

“Okay, well, I think you’ve probably had enough for today, so let’s head on back,” Rafael nodded and followed Dr. Huang. “If you start to feel worse or if you need something, I want you to call me. Day or night Rafael, okay?”

“Why are you helping me?” He whispered.

“Because you are worth helping,” Rafael wasn’t sure if he could believe the doctor’s words but he was trying. “How are your meds working?”

“The Xanax helps a lot, I usually feel much better after I take it,” he replied, “I’m not sure when I’ll need a refill, Y/N probably knows better than me,”

“Okay well give me a call when you need it refilled,” Dr. Huang said, collecting his things. “Feel better Rafael,”

“Thank you,” he replied. He felt exhausted, sitting down on the couch. He knew he had a doctor’s appointment soon, but all he wanted to do was sleep off his horrible headache. Burying his face against the couch cushions, he curled up, trying to fall asleep. The light was too much.

“Raf? Are you in here babe?” your voice felt like tiny jackhammers under his eyes, “Oh baby, are you okay?” Your hand started smoothing down his hair, and he practically whimpered. He pushed his head against your hand, the soothing motion comforting him.

“My head hurts,” he mumbled, letting you gently lift him and place his head in your lap so you could try and help. You rubbed his shoulders, carding your fingers through his hair and down his back. He was resting and cuddling into you.

“How was your talk with Dr. Huang?” you asked softly. He shrugged.

“Okay I guess,” You went quiet after that, understanding that noise was bothering him. He laid like that until you had to drag him up to go to his doctor’s appointment. He bitched at you until you agreed to bring Gabriella despite your better judgement. It would make him happy though. You were waiting in the sterile room for Dr. Shepherd. It smelled too much like latex. Knuckles rapped against the heavy door before the dark haired man entered.

“Rafael, Y/N, nice to see you both,” he said with a smile, taking a seat. He did something on his computer before turning to Rafael, “How are you feeling buddy?”

“Right now?” Rafael asked, and the doctor nodded, “Not so hot. I went for a walk, and I’ve just had this pounding headache ever since,”

“Okay, what do you use to help?” he asked softly. You explained how he would try to sleep it off or use advil to control the pain. Dr. Shepherd proceeded to do a full neurological exam,

“Can you explain to me again what exactly happened to his head,” you asked. You hadn’t ever quite grasped what was going on. It had been frantic and panic filled and they hadn’t really taken the time to fully explain what was going on. Dr. Shepherd pulled up a digital display of a brain.

“Of course I can,” He said, clicking a few buttons, “This is Rafael’s brain. He was pistol whipped right here on his face,” An animation of a gun swing down, smacking the person in the face directly where Rafael had been hit. The head started jostling and you saw the brain smack against the skull a few times. “When he took the first impact, his brain hit the walls of his skull, causing massive bruising and a severe concussion. It was bruised right here on the bottom, his occipital lobe which explains some of the dizziness he gets from his headaches and then also his frontal lobe, the center for his thoughts and personality,” He shifted the picture again and the gun was gone. Next a hand came out and smacked the pixelated face, “Then he took two more impacts, further exacerbating his condition,” You watched as the already bruised areas were hit again, “This is uncommon, so we have no real idea of how he’ll recover if I’m being honest. He seems to be very affected by physical activity which is concerning to me and I will have to speak with Dr. Yang as the exercise is essential to his cardiovascular recovery, but neurologically, I want him avoiding any activity that hurts his head,” Rafael looked dizzy and green where he was laying.

“He’s been throwing up a lot,” you said because it was concerning to you.

“I want to get a head CT, just to ensure no bleeds have developed,” Dr. Shepherd said. That was how Rafael ended up enclosed in a tiny space during his scan. You knew he didn’t like it. He hated the hospital, even more now than before. It had been a good half hour of coaxing to get him out of the car and in the building. Thankfully, his scan was clear, and he was done at the doctor’s for the the day.

When you returned home, he settled on the couch, waving you over, “Let’s watch a movie or something,” he suggested, and you gladly agreed. You got Gabriella from her car seat, so he could hold her while you got a movie playing. Sitting there with him, enjoying such a domestic evening made you smile. He just needed to get through this because there were far greener pastures waiting for him on the other side. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is getting really long, but probably cause my chapters are shorter cause I’m writing these the day of posting....anyways I hope you guys enjoy this and keep the know what you think! Thanks for reading, you guys are really the best :)

“Hey Liv, the DNA came back, it’s a match. Barba’s semen, was on the bed and his clothes, and her, ah, her fluids were all over….everything: his fingers, his...you get the picture,” Sonny said with a sigh as he walked into the room, “His tox screen had extremely high levels of benzodiazepines, far past a safe dosage,”

“Well, that seems like enough to get a warrant to me. Head over to the DA’s office and find an ADA, and then I want you to go pick her up as soon as it’s in. You and Rollins,” Liv said immediately. Sonny nodded, grabbing his coat,

“How is Barba anyways?” he asked.

“I’m going to see him in an hour. From what I’ve heard though, he’s not…..he’s struggling,” Liv replied, trying to finish up her paperwork.

“She really spun him around,” Sonny shook his head, “Poor guy,”

“I need you to do this by the book Carisi. I am personally going to ensure she does not get away with this. Don’t mess it up,” Liv said seriously. Carisi nodded before heading toward the door. Liv only had a few more things to do before she went to pick Rafael up. Noah wanted to go out for burgers and then to the park, and Rafael had been noncommittal, agreeing to whatever. He hadn’t even been up to answering the phone, but she had heard his mumbled responses filtering in the background. You had told her he had a very rough night. Finally, it was time for her to go, so she packed everything up before swinging by the apartment to pick up Noah. Noah was hyper, racing up the stairs, screaming Rafael’s name. “Noah,” she said exasperatedly, “We talked about this. Uncle Rafa’s head might be hurting, you have to be quiet,”

“Sorry Mommy,” he whispered, slowing down. He knocked on the door, peering curiously around you when you answered.

“Hey guys,” You said, smiling, “Come on in, Rafael will be out in a second,” Liv ushered Noah inside, sitting down on the couch and waiting for Rafael to make an appearance. Noah was twitching with excitement. He had been talking about these plans since she had told him. “Let me go check on him,” you said after a few moments, but before you could disappear back into the Hall, Rafael emerged. His hair was slicked over in his usual fashion, a light long sleeve on with a pair of cargo shorts. He looked a little pale and sheepish.

“Ah my play date is here,” he said jokingly, “Sorry to keep you guys waiting, this gaping chest wound makes doing my hair a real adventure,”

“Unnncllle Raafffaaaa,” Noah yelled, catapulting from the couch and almost smacking himself into Rafael’s legs. He hugged the taller man tight, “I missed you Uncle Rafa, I’m so glad you’re feeling better!” Rafael knelt down, giving Noah a real hug. He squeezed his eyes closed, arms wrapped around the little boy, and Liv thought she could see tears starting to drip down his face.

“Thank you Noah,” Rafael whispered, his hand carding through the boy’s curls, “Thank you,” Eventually he pulled himself away, standing up with much effort, but he let Noah grip onto his hand.

“You boys ready?” Liv said with a laugh.

“Rafi, are you sure you don’t want a jacket,” you asked from across the room, “And don’t forget to take your antibiotics, and don’t get too crazy, exercise hurts your head,”

“I’ll be fine mother,” he said sarcastically, but he stepped closer, pecking your cheek, and then your lips, “I love you, I’ll call later,”

“Okay,” You said gently, kissing his forehead, “Be careful,” Liv smiled, walking out first with Rafael and Noah trailing behind her. They got down to her car, and Rafael got Noah buckled into his car seat before climbing into the front.

“So where are we headed?” Rafael asked softly after a lot of aimless chattering from Noah.

“Well, Noah wanted to get burgers and shakes and then we were going to take a walk in the park,” Liv said with a smile. Didn’t he remember? She heard you tell him when you were on the phone earlier. “That sound good to you?”

“Yeah, yeah, definitely. It’s nice to do something normal I guess,” he said softly. He stared out the window for the majority of the remaining ride, but he always answered Noah’s questions. Noah was excitedly talking about school and tv and anything he could possibly think about, and Rafael just kept the conversation going. Liv had to smile at them. They had become fast friends, and Noah was always trying to get her to let him hang out with Rafael more. When they got to the restaurant, Liv got Noah out while Rafael waited by the car door. He stayed right by her side as they went inside and sat down. Noah insisted on sitting beside him at the table, and Rafael helped him color in the kids menu.

“So how have you been feeling?” she finally asked. Rafael got that look on his face that screamed inner conflict and misery, his lips pursing slightly, his eyes reddening.

“Uhh,” he said, looking away as his voice wavered, “You know, I haven’t felt this torn apart in a very long time, but it’s slowly getting bearable….at least I think it is. I feel better for a little bit, but then suddenly it feels like it happened yesterday again,” he admitted.

“Is Dr. Huang helping?” she asked, reaching for his hand and holding it.

“Yeah, he’s--he’s trying. I’m not the easiest patient,” Rafael whispered, “I literally avoided almost every question one session,” His cheeks were slightly reddened, but his attention was quickly redirected with a tug on his sleeve.

“Uncle Rafa, what color should I make this?” he asked loudly, trying to insert himself into the center of attention. Rafael picked a crayon, handing it to Noah.

“Do you know what you want to eat buddy?” Rafael asked softly, smiling when Noah beamed up at him,

“Hamburger with ketchup and a vanilla shake,” he said with a grin. Rafael laughed and looked down at his own menu. He searched the different options, trying to gauge what he could easily eat. He hadn’t been eating much lately, but this all sounded good in theory. He knew he should be eating more, his ribs were practically sticking out of his skin, his hip bones jutting forward. He felt like skin and bones at times. His face was much thinner. He self-consciously crossed his arms over his chest. You probably didn’t even find him attractive anymore. He was disgustingly thin. How had you ever really found him attractive? His eyes were too big, his nose crooked, he was apparently either overweight or disgustingly under, and now he felt like people were staring at him. “Uncle Rafa,” Noah’s voice startled him.

“What--oh, I’m sorry,” he said, his face burning with embarrassment. The waitress was there, waiting for him to speak. He cleared his throat, “I’ll have a water please and uh a tea, iced tea,” He didn’t used to like tea, but you were obsessed with it, and when he was sick or upset, you would make it. Probably because it comforted you. It was apparently growing on him.

“We’ll have a couple more minutes to decide on food please,” Liv said, saving him from further embarrassment. He buried his hot face in his hands, wishing the booth would just eat him alive, but then Noah started giggling, and despite his tears, Rafael started laughing too. He laughed softly and then leaned back against the booth, wiping his eyes,

“Can I keep your son? Please? He makes me feel so much better,” he asked jokingly, hugging Noah, “Never change Noah,”

“Unfortunately for you, I think I’m gonna keep him,” Liv said with a laugh. Rafael looked back at the menu, making a decision finally. He was prepared when the waitress returned the next time, and then he sat back sipping at his tea. He felt his phone buzzing in his pocket, and it was you checking in and reminding him to take his antibiotics. He quickly shot you back a text, assuring you he was fine. When the food came, he took a few bites before his head started to bother him. He dug some advil out from his pocket, trying to nip it in the bud before it became unbearable. He sipped his tea and then took his antibiotics. Forcing himself to eat some more, Rafael was struggling to focus on anything but the food. Noah was talking to him about something, but he honestly wasn’t sure what. Eventually, he couldn’t eat anymore. He still had a lot left, so the waitress brought him a box. Liv smiled at him kindly, paying the bill and then taking his arm as they headed out to the car. “Time for the park?” she asked with a smile.

“Yay!” Noah exclaimed, “Uncle Rafa, you have to go on the swings with me,”

“Noah, Uncle Rafa needs to take it easy,” Liv reminded him, and Rafael was glad because he wasn’t sure if he could bear to deny Noah anything, not after the little boy had brought so much joy to his life.

“Maybe I can swing with you just a little bit Noah,” Rafael said softly. He didn’t see the problem if he took it really slow and easy. The air was nice when they got out of the car, just enough of a breeze that he wasn’t sweating. They walked through the park, the fresh air making him feel better. He still felt anxiety twisting up in his stomach every time he went outside, but he was doing better at ignoring it. He collapsed down onto a bench once they made it to the playground. Noah ran off to play while Liv sat beside him.

“You look tired,” she commented softly.

“I don’t sleep well anymore,” he whispered, “Nightmares,” He wasn’t bashful around Liv. He knew she had her own demons and she would listen to him without judging. Sometimes he worried about telling you things that would change the way you saw him as your fiancé, but with Liv, their friendship was a constant.

“You ever try melatonin, it helps me sleep,” Liv suggested. Rafael stared off at the sky and the nature around him. It was nice to feel the wind on his skin again. There were laughing, screaming children everywhere. He remembered when he was that young. He had never been that carefree and happy. As long as he could remember, he had been messed up in one way or another. When he was eight, he would spend his days at the library or wandering the streets just to avoid going home for as long as possible. He was miserable. His father had stolen so much from him; his innocence, his happiness, his childhood, his ability to trust, and yet he yearned to please the man until he leaned better. It had been a long time of trying to make his father happy, to be good enough for his love, for his approval.

“I’ll have to look into it. I was doing so well, but this whole thing has dug up old problems. Things I don’t want to remember,” he said softly. Liv looked over at him curiously. She had no idea what he was harboring inside. Her hand was suddenly on his arm,

“Well, I’m listening if you want to talk about anything,” she offered. Rafael hesitated for a moment, unsure of what he wanted to reveal. He looked down at the grass for a moment before looking up at the blue sky and trying to remind himself that everything was going to get better. That he didn’t deserve what happened to him. You told him everyday, but every time he looked at himself in the mirror, all of his doubts would return full force.

“I--I’m not sure you want to hear this. It’s not pleasant,” he said softly, looking for a reason to not share. Liv gave him a reassuring squeeze, so he powered on. “It started when I was seven,” he whispered. He distracted himself by picking at his nails. “At first he just….touched me, but it got worse as I got older,” He wouldn’t look Liv in the face. “All of this, it’s just stirring up bad memories and I feel like I’m drowning in depression,”

“Oh Rafael, I’m so sorry you had to endure that,” she replied, “Have you talked to Dr. Huang about any of that?” He shook his head.

“I couldn’t do it,” he whispered, “Y/N is literally the only other person who knows any of this. I kept it locked up inside me for years and I know I should be doing something about it, but I can’t bring myself to tell people. It makes me feel sick to even think about it,”

“Well, if you want to talk about it anytime, I will always listen to you. You can’t tell me anything I haven’t heard before, and everything you say will absolutely stay between the two of us,” she assured him, trying to offer support where he desperately needed it. He nodded, taking her hand and squeezing it. They sat together in silence for a while, but Rafael felt a little bit better. Noah ended up dragging him over to the swings, and for once, he didn’t care what other people thought of him. He just enjoyed the carefree boy and his smiles and jokes. Rafael was all tuckered out by the end of everything. He dozed off against the window in the car as Liv drove him home. His head felt fuzzy with exhaustion when he got inside. You were laying on the couch, and when you saw him, you smiled,

“Hey,” you said warmly, moving your legs so he could sit. Instead of sitting on the end of the couch like you expected, he snuggled right up against you, his head resting on your stomach, legs curled up beside him. “You feeling okay?”

“Mmmhmmm just sleepy,” he whispered, “Can you rub my shoulders and my hair?” his voice was so soft, words mumbled against your shirt. You gladly fulfilled his request, deft fingers kneading into his flesh and drawing out contented sighs. He was making the cutest little sounds as you worked his muscles and his scalp and neck. “What are you watching?” he finally asked softly, his voice blurry with sleep. He wanted to give back to the relationship somehow. For weeks, you had only been focused on him, but he wanted to try and be more present now. You had needs too, he wasn’t the only one. It was a simple question, but he wanted to show you he cared.

“Just a romcom,” you told him softly, kissing the top of his head. He pushed his head into your hand as you ran fingers through his locks.

“How are you feeling with all this? I know this has to be hard on you,” he whispered, “I--”

“Shh baby, don’t you worry about me. I’m alright,” you assured him, “How was it with Liv?”

“It was okay, Noah was fun,” he said softly. He was growing more exhausted by the moment, the feeling of your fingers in his hair and on his skin making him practically purr. It was heavenly. He slowly drifted off into a light sleep, wrapped up in your warm embrace. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this isn’t terrible and lives up to all your expectations! I tried really hard on this chapter :) let me know what you think and thanks for reading! Enjoy (Sorry it’s kinda short)

  
“Where is she?” Liv was coming out of her office, following Carisi toward the interrogation rooms.

“Interrogation 6, she hasn’t lawyered up yet surprisingly,” he said.

“I’m going in there,” she said, grabbing a notebook and the file, “I want this all on tape please,” Liv walked into the room, giving Jordan quite a look, “Ms. Larson, how nice to see you again,” she said sarcastically, taking a seat.

“Lieutenant, I can’t say the same,” the nurse shot back. Liv put her pen down, looking up at Jordan.

“We have DNA, we have a complainant, I’m not sure why you seem so laid back,” she commented.

“Because I didn’t do anything wrong,” the younger woman said plainly. Liv was straining to keep herself in check.

“Alright then, how about you tell me your side of the story,” she suggested. She was aware that the objective was to align herself with the suspect, but this woman was getting to her. Her emotional attachment was hard to ignore at times.

“I was Rafael’s nurse,” she started, but Liv was quick to butt in,

“Mr. Barba,” she corrected sternly. Jordan rolled her eyes.

“I was Mr. Barba’s nurse then, whatever. He was upset because his fiancé or whatever left him alone at the hospital. I offered to bring him some pudding because he looked lonely. We talked, he flirted with me, told me some story about his job, and we had a nice time. A couple days later, I jacked him off in bed because he asked me to. We were talking every day, and he was hot. Then we had sex, me on top, in his bed. Like I said, he wanted it; he was coming on to me. It wasn’t until his fiancé found out that he started claiming I raped him,” she calmly said like she had rehearsed this whole story.

“So you just waltzed in there, and he asked you to have sex with him?” Liv asked incredulously. “That sounds ridiculous,” The nurse raised her eyebrows, “Tell me, why the hell would he do that?”

“Maybe cause he’s a little slut,” she spat out, “He’s got a dirty mouth on him too. Don’t tell me you two haven’t done it yet. I bet he was just begging for you. You gotta get on that before his fiancé puts him on a leash. He’s a really good lay,”

“Oh Jordan,” Liv said, standing up, “You’re….this just keeps getting better and better. A respected ADA asked you to have sex with him because he’s a slut….that’s your story,”

“It isn’t a story,” she said plainly.

“Of course it’s a story you insane woman,” Liv practically exploded, “We’re gonna nail you for this,” A knock on the door and she was being pulled out.

“I’m not kidding detective, see for yourself. He’ll be begging in no time,” she said smugly, “He makes the most delicious noises,” Liv had to stop herself from strangling the nurse. She left the room, slamming the door.

“What the hell,” she shouted at Dodds.

“You were not doing your job Lieutenant. You let her bait you. Detective Carisi, get in there, align yourself with the suspect, and get this over with. The DA wants an update and so does 1PP before this goes public,” he instructed.

“Public? I asked you if we could keep this private,” Liv said, eyes wide. Rafael had been tenuous at best about dealing with this. She had the go-ahead to investigate, not present reports to his bosses and her’s and certainly not to prep them for media release.

“You asked, I said no. How are we supposed to keep an ADA’s sexual assault private Lieutenant? This is going to hit the press hard,” he explained, and Liv felt a sinking feeling inside of her. She needed to warn Rafael about this immediately. She couldn’t just sneak out of this interrogation though. She watched as Sonny entered the room and sat down,

“Sorry about the lieutenant, she gets a little hot under the collar sometimes,” Sonny said with a charming smile.

“Well you sure look like you know what you’re doing,” she said with a laugh, “I’m glad they sent someone smart,” Her demeanor had changed in seconds from abrasive and cocky to flirtatious and seductive. “Tell me, do you like doing these interrogations, make you feel...in charge?”

“Well my life is hectic, lots of stress so some aspect of control can be refreshing at times,” Sonny replied with a soft smile, “I’m sure you can relate with a hard job like being a nurse,”

"It certainly gets hectic in the ER which is where I spend most of my rotations,” she said calmly, “Taking control can be….relaxing,” Her admission came as a bit of a surprise to them all. Sonny was starting to get her to talk. She seemed to realize her slip up almost immediately, and her eyes narrowed.

“I understand where you’re coming from, trust me, I do,” he said with a charming smile. She stood up, coming closer to him.

“Is that what you want baby? You want to take control with me?” she asked, reaching out to touch him. Her hand rested on his shoulder.

“What if I wanted you to take control? Isn’t that what happened with Barba? He ask you to take it out of his hands? To let him sit back and relax while you did all the work?”

“A guy like that, just been shot, gone through a trauma, the change of having a baby. Sometimes they just need some no strings attached sex. Sometimes they just want someone else to make them feel good,” she whispered, her eyes glued to his lips, “Is that what you want detective?” Sonny held still as she started to stroke his face, hand on his shoulder. “You gonna be a good boy for me? You want me to hold your arms down like I did his?”

“You held his arms down? That sounds intense,” he whispered, “What about the drugs? He ask you to do that too?”

“Oh yeah, he must have been developing a tolerance. He wanted more. I had no idea he already had so much in his system. The overdose was an accident,” she told him.

“I could make you feel so good. Just promise me you won’t be a big baby during it. Your friend Barba cried like a little bitch the whole time,” she said. Sonny pulled back almost immediately.

“He was crying? Doesn’t sound like he was having a very good time,” he said, distancing himself from her advancements. She suddenly looked extremely flustered, her eyes wide and shocked. “You want to explain that to me Jordan?”

“I-I think I want a lawyer,” she said, and he sighed, picking up his things,

“I hate to break it to ya doll, but I don’t think a lawyer is gonna do much for you,” he said before heading out the door. Liv had to give it to him; he had manipulated that interrogation perfectly, played the perp brilliantly, and somehow he managed to remain objective. It was something she had struggled with for years, conflating her own problems with professional situations. This particular case was personal in nature. A close friend of hers had been sexually assaulted and how was she supposed to remove her feelings from the situation. Now she had a more significant issue at hand: she needed to tell Rafael that his story was going to hit the press soon.

………………………………………………….

You breathed in the fresh, lemony smell of your laundry detergent as you removed the warm clothing from the dryer. You piled it in a basket, taking it into the living room to fold. When you reached the couch, setting it down, you frowned. Where was Rafael? You had left him in the living room with Gabriella not fifteen minutes ago, but he was gone. You headed back in the house, “Rafael?” you called softly.

“I’m in here,” His voice was echoing out from the bedroom. The door was only slightly open, but you didn’t think he was in there because he was upset. You opened the door, seeing Rafael sitting on the floor, Gabriella on her back on a baby blanket.

“Darling, what in the world are you doing?” you asked softly, coming to kneel beside him.

“Watch this,” he said softly. He leaned forward so she was looking right at his face and Gabriella’s lips stretched into a giant smile. “Hey girly,” he whispered, touching her face. “See that? she recognizes my face,” his voice was filled with excitement and his face lighting up.

“Of course she does Rafa, you spend almost every waking hour with her,” you said with a laugh. He was so happy though, staring down at her. You wrapped an arm around his back, rubbing soft circles over his shirt.

“I was actually trying to figure out how this swaddling thing works,” he said softly, “I was watching some youtube videos,”

“Oooh, show me what you’ve got babe,” you said, sitting back to watch him. She started by putting the blanket on the floor like a diamond while you held Gabriella, folding the top corner down.

“Put her down on there,” he said, adjusting her slightly as you placed her in the middle. He folded one corner over, tucking it under her shoulder. Then he folded the bottom up, tucking it in as well. He completed it with a final tuck, and you picked her up, placing her in his arms. She was wrapped up tightly in the blanket, looking much more comforted than before. She made a little cooing sound, and Rafael grinned triumphantly.

“Good job Raf, color me impressed,” you said. He held her close, smiling, “But unfortunately, it’s someone’s nap time, and for once I don’t mean you,” He shook his head, handing her over. You took her to the nursery, rocking her to sleep before putting her in her crib. Rafael was laying on the couch when you came back out into the living room. “Are you hungry baby?”

“Not really,” he whispered.   
“Could you drink a smoothie?” you asked, wracking your brain for some way to get some nutrients into him. You had been researching the best ways to pack smoothies with everything someone could need in a diet. Rafael was not eating anywhere close to enough. He had a piece of toast for breakfast, no lunch so far, and he probably would eat half a sandwich come dinner time, and that was an alright day. He sighed softly but nodded, and that made you feel better. He was trying. He was trying so hard. “Have you taken your antibiotics yet?” you called.

“Yeah, I had those and some Xanax earlier,” his voice was barely audible over the tv. You quickly got out the fruits you had freezing and some greek yogurt. The spinach was what would hopefully get him some much-needed carbs for energy and protein to help his body heal and repair his injuries. A little bit of vanilla extract to accompany the blueberries, cherries, and peaches, and you poured some milk in to finish it off. The smoothie was a nice, rich blue color and it was nice and cool. You poured it into his favorite glass and got a straw before taking it out to him. You sat beside him on the couch, letting him rest his feet in your lap as he sipped his smoothie. “This one is better than the last one you made,” he said softly. That wasn’t a hard feat. He had almost thrown up with the last one, and you didn’t blame him. There had been far too many hidden vegetables stuffed into one smoothie.

“Did you have a bad dream?” you asked softly. You wanted to know why he took Xanax earlier, and you thought you remembered him taking a nap.

“Yeah,” he finally admitted after twitching around nervously for a few moments. You felt bad for asking. You weren’t trying to upset him. “I-I just can’t stop remembering old things, my father, what happened with the nurse. It’s all blurring together into these terrifying images that make me sick. I can’t breathe when I think about it,” You ran your fingers over the bare skin of his foot, thumb rubbing soft circles over the bump on the side of his ankle. The slight pressure created a soothing sensation on his skin. “I can’t stop thinking about it,”

“Do you want to talk about it?” you asked softly. He shook his head, sitting up and leaning into your arms instead. His head rested in the middle of your chest, listening to your heartbeat. You ran fingers through his hair, across his scalp,

“I can’t stay home forever,” he whispered.

“I know, but you have medical leave. The DA cleared extended time off. You just need to focus on getting better baby,” you reminded him. He shut his eyes, sighing and trying to finish his drink as you comforted him.

“How long are you gonna be home with me?” he asked. You sighed, that was another story entirely. You needed to return to work sooner than you liked.

“A couple more weeks, but uh, we’ll figure it out,” you said, hoping your words were reassuring. There was a knock on the door, so you got up to answer it. It was Liv, standing there, looking so grim you were worried.

“I need to speak with Rafael immediately.” 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than I’d like but oh well. Hope you guys like it despite me sticking to my plans....thanks for reading, I’d love to hear what you think! Enjoy ;)

You sat with Rafael on the couch, holding his hand. You weren’t sure what Liv needed to speak with him about, but it made you very nervous. He was shaking, hard. You could feel it just from the single point of contact you had. “Do you want me to stay with you?” You asked him softly, and he nodded, clinging.

“What is this about Liv, you’re making me nervous,” Rafael said. You patted his leg. He was doing so much better right now, a week ago, he wouldn’t have been confident enough to say anything that direct. He had been tentative and scared of his own shadow, blindly following anything you told him for the most part.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news,” she started slowly, “About your case,”

“I knew this was a bad idea; I knew no one was going to believe me,” he whispered, looking away. You rubbed his back softly, trying to be encouraging,

“Just hear her out babe,” you said softly. He took a deep breath, nodded and waited for Liv to continue.

“Dodds wants me to give a report to 1PP and the DA about your assault because they are prepping for a media release,” she said softly, “I’ve been trying to talk him out of it, but I don’t think we have a choice here. The Brass has made up their mind,”

“What!?” He asked, his eyes going wide, “I-I, what about professional courtesy? I asked for this to be kept private. I-I can’t,” he stood up, disappearing back into the apartment. You sighed, looking over at her,

“They couldn’t just do this for him? He’s going to be humiliated. What about Rape Shield and confidentiality?” You asked. This wasn’t fair to him at all.

“I’m not sure Y/N, I tried to argue his side, but it’s out of my hands now. Please tell him how sorry I am. This was the last thing I wanted,” Liv said, looking upset, “I am….I’m speechless. I so sorry,”

“He knows you didn’t want this Liv. I’ll talk to him. He’s gonna be upset. I’ll call you later. Thanks for coming,” you said tiredly. You let her out before going back to try and find him, “Rafael?” You called softly. It was silent. His door was shut. It hadn’t been shut for days. You knocked. “Raf, are you alright?” You heard some rustling and a soft noise that sounded like he might be crying, but you weren’t sure. Then there was some loud banging, and you were concerned about what he could possibly be doing in there. You knew you shouldn’t interfere with his privacy, but you were seriously worried he might hurt himself. You opened the door just a little bit and saw him huddled on the ground, books knocked off of shelves and papers all over the floor. He had his Xanax bottle clutched in his hand, and you had no idea how he even got ahold of that. It was supposed to be hidden in the kitchen. You took a careful step forward, “Rafael, honey,” you whispered. He looked up tears in his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, on the brink of sobbing.

“How many of these did you take baby?” You asked softly. He didn’t answer, so you started to try and take it from him. You had to pry it from his fingers before wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “You can’t be taking more of this when you had some earlier Rafael. It’s dangerous,” He let you cradle his face in your hands, making him look at you.

“I’m gonna be a joke,” he whispered, “No one will ever look at me the same way. No matter what I do, I’m just gonna be that ADA who was raped by a woman while he laid helpless in a hospital bed,” His voice sounded bitter and his eyes were watery.

“Raf, I know, I know you’re embarrassed and I know this isn’t what you wanted, but would you rather she walks free? This is where we are, and I’m sorry,” you reminded him. He pulled away, standing up. He pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and his shoes before stomping out of the room. “Where are you going? Rafael, come back here,” you called, but he just kept moving. He slammed the door shut. You couldn’t just leave the house, Ella was out, and someone needed to watch Gabriella, so you called Sonny just to let him know Rafael was out somewhere and that you’d text him if he wasn’t back later. You sat there until it was dark, wondering where the hell he had gone. You didn’t eat; you didn’t clean; you just sat with Gabriella, waiting to hear something from him. Finally, around ten at night, your cell phone started to ring, and it was an unknown number. You answered almost right away, “Hello?”

“Y/N?” It was Rafael’s voice. You breathed a sigh of relief. He sounded terrified, and his voice was sheepish and a little hoarse.

“Oh baby, you scared me, where are you? Are you okay?” You blurted out.

“I—I was walking, and I zoned out. I don’t know where I am or how I even got here. I’m scared Y/N. I left my wallet and my cell phone at home. I need someone to come get me,” he whispered. He was definitely on the verge of tears, and you hated him sounding like that.

“Okay, just tell me the street names, and I’ll send Liv to come pick you up, okay?” You said, trying to calm him down. He didn’t need to start panicking. He read you the names, trying to keep you on the phone as long as he could. “It’s going to be okay Rafael. Liv will be there soon, I promise,” you told him,

“I’m sorry I left, and that I made such a mess. I probably woke up Gabriella. I’m such a terrible father,” he whispered.

“She didn’t wake up. You are not a terrible father—listen to me, you had a bad moment, but it was understandable Rafael. It’s all okay now. We can talk more when you get home. Stay put, I’m going to call Liv. I love you,” you said. He finally let you hang up. A quick call to Liv and she was on her way to find him. You just sat there and worried about him until there was finally a knock on the door. You stood up, leaving Gabriella in her pack and play. You opened the door, and there he was, shaking as Liv nudged him inside. You had to force yourself not to practically attack him. You wanted to hug him and hold him and kiss him. “Thanks, Liv,” you said softly. Rafael was sitting beside the pack and play when you went back to the living room. You knelt beside him on the ground, trying not to crowd him when he was so fragile. “Hey,” you whispered.

“Hi,” he murmured. His hand was resting on the mesh of the little wall like he wished Gabriella would crawl over and touch him.

“Can I--Can I hold you?” you asked. Rafael looked at you, a broken, sad look in his eyes, but he nodded, shifting closer so you could pull him into your arms. He sniffled against your shoulder, gasping softly until his soft cries turned into heavy sobbing. “I know,” you murmured, “I know it hurts,”

“M’sorry,” he whispered over and over again, but you just shushed him each time.

“I love you,” you murmured against his hair.

“Don’t say that,” he practically begged, and you froze. Why not?

“Why not?”

“You don’t mean it,” he whispered, clutching to you all the same. Now you were confused. What could you have possibly done that would make him think you didn’t love him. You were trying every day to show him how much you did. To remind him that there was still good in the world. To remind him that he was human.

“I do mean it, Rafael. I mean it with all my heart,” you said gently, and he just shook his head but went quiet. You let it go, figuring right now all he needed was some reassurances. “You want to hold her?” you asked softly, but to your surprise, he shook his head.

“I’m going to lay down for a bit,” he whispered. You let him go, cleaning up for the night and getting everything ready for bed. You had picked up everything in his room earlier, so you tried to give him his space. Eventually, you laid down with the tv on low, starting to doze off.

………………………………………….

Rafael laid on his side, shifting around restlessly when the pressure was too much on his ribs. His whole body felt like it was in pieces. He had been walking down the street, just to get some air, to try and cool off, but something had set him off. He wasn’t sure why, but his brain had decided it had enough and shut down. The next thing he remembered was being cold, walking around an unfamiliar part of the city, feeling like people were lurking in the shadows to jump him and hurt him and…..He had discovered he left his phone and wallet at home and been terrified until he found a pay phone. He didn’t have enough change in his pocket, but he managed to scrounge up enough from the ground after a bit of searching. Hearing your voice on the phone had been such a relief. The ride home was a bit awkward. He leaned his head against the window, staring out at the passing buildings.

You whispering to him that you loved him...he wanted to believe you. He had been trying for forever to truly believe you loved him. Deep down he always had this nagging thought that you didn’t actually love him. He had never really felt loved his whole life. All anyone ever wanted was to use him, and he couldn’t really blame them. He wasn’t particularly funny or handsome. He was grumpy and needy. He could be dismissive and selfish, unnecessarily sarcastic and rude. There were so many reasons not to love him. So many reasons that he shouldn’t believe you. Did his mother even ever love him? She watched him get his ass kicked time and time again, and he just knew if he told her about the sexual abuse, she would hate him. Their relationship had been much better as he got older, but that was mainly because he was willing to try and move past everything. He wanted someone to love him, someone to make him feel human. He had been in a few relationships that had been less than ideal. Relationships that were unhealthy where he allowed people to use him, to treat him like shit, and it wasn’t something he liked to think or talk about anymore. By all appearances, you were different. You made him feel good, but how could you be so blind? He knew how smart you were, how amazing you were. How could you possibly want him? His chest felt tight with panic and anxiety. He hadn’t had Xanax that long ago, but he felt like he needed more. It made him feel so much better. It calmed the racing, self-destructive thoughts in his brain enough that he could sleep a little. It made him feel calm and sometimes even happy. He was shaking with need, trying to avert his attention somewhere else. He knew he shouldn’t.

It was like there was this fire beneath his skin, he couldn’t think of anything but how good he would feel if he could just take a little bit. He bit his lip, gripping the pillow to him tightly. His head was positively pounding, but it didn’t feel like a concussion headache. There was tension in his jaw and teeth, and his heart felt like it was beating out of his chest. When he opened his eyes, the room was spinning, everything blurring. He could feel sweat seeping through the tee that he had pulled on earlier. He squeezed his eyes closed, burying his face in a pillow to muffle the sobs that were starting escape him. He didn’t want to feel like this anymore. He hated all of this. He was so pathetic; he needed this medicine to make him feel better. How was anyone going to take him seriously after all of this? People would think he was mentally ill; they would laugh at him. When he walked in a room, he would no longer be known for his courtroom savviness, but rather his assault. He would be that ADA that was raped by a woman. How was he ever going to be respected? All people would ever see when they looked at him was a broken man. He had been trying all his life not to be broken, to put himself back together. He couldn’t take it anymore, standing up and walking down the hallway quietly. He sat in the rocking chair beside Gabriella’s crib, looking down at his sleeping daughter. She’d be better off without him. He was just going to mess everything up. She was so small, so innocent, so unblemished, and he was so tainted and scared. He couldn’t take this anymore. He stood up, softly slinking into the kitchen. You were passed out on the couch. He found his meds, getting just one pill out and holding it in his hand. He wanted to put it down. He wanted to resist. Instead, he ignored the implications of his current actions and mental state, swallowing the pill with a glass of water before carefully putting the bottle back in its hiding place.

…………………………………………..

You weren’t sure what it was that woke you up. You had been fast asleep, the worry from the day overwhelming you and finally catching up. Your brain felt fuzzy with exhaustion, and you started to try and shift over on your side until you realized something was pinning you down. You began to panic, your heart beginning to race. Your chest felt like it was being compressed, panic and fear making you dizzy. It took you all of thirty seconds to recognize the smell of his cologne. It was only Rafael. He was curled up on top of you, his head tucked against your shoulder, his breathing soft against your skin. He had dragged a blanket out with him, and his legs were tangled up with yours. He was a zonked out lump of dead weight that was resting on top of you. Now that you knew it was him, and you were slowly waking up, it was less painful and more uncomfortable. He was warm like always, and one of his hands was twisted up in your shirt, the other clutching at your side.

You smoothed down some hair that was sticking up on the back of his head. He was softly snoring. You just watched him, rubbing his back, your hand reaching under his tee and across the expanse of his skin. He looked more relaxed than before. You wanted him to talk to you, to tell you how he was feeling so that you could help him better. You were struggling to be there for him because he was closed off. He had finally started to come out of his shell a little bit, but now that was on a back burner. You weren’t sure what to do about this latest issue. It was so unfair to him. When you had been faced with the prospect of people finding out about your humiliation at the hands of Casey Mitchell, you had been terrified. You worried people wouldn’t want to hire you because it was basically a sexual harassment case, you worried that you wouldn’t be taken seriously, and you didn’t want people to know the details of the worst night of your life. Rafael had a lot more at stake as a man. The societal expectation for men to be strong was so unfair. He had an extra burden on him to be the one that was okay. He was supposed to not get caught up in emotions, to provide for his family, and despite the changes that were occurring every day for the better, he still had that ingrained in him. It was what others thought, and Rafael was anything but dumb. He knew the realities of this.

Somehow, you wished that you could prove she hurt him. Prove to everyone that he was telling the truth. You wished things were different. He shouldn’t have to worry about being ridiculed for something that wasn’t his fault. It was out of his control. Looking down at his relaxed face, you smiled slightly. You were glad he was able to sleep finally, especially after his long day. Getting lost in New York was dangerous, to say the least, and he wasn’t in any state to defend himself. He had no phone, no wallet, and yet he had come back to you in one piece thankfully. How was it that he could be shot at work, a place that was supposed to be safe, yet he could wander the streets of Manhattan in a half-aware daze and come out unscathed? There were security guards and metal detectors all over the DA’s office. It wasn’t right. It didn’t make sense, but nothing did anymore. The only thing that made sense was Rafael. You knew you loved him, and you knew that no matter what you wanted to protect him, and that was what was important at the moment. You wrapped your arms tightly around the sleeping man, breathing in his familiar scent once more. Somehow, you were going to make this all better for him. Somehow, you would fix it all. 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, my wifi went out suddenly.....hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think and thanks for reading :)
> 
> Edit: I fixed typos lol I typed part of this on my phone cause my WiFi went out last night so there were some pretty bad auto corrects and typos 

“Well aren’t you two just adorable,” Ella’s voice pulled you from your sleep. Rafael was still passed out on top of you. You blinked, groaning softly. “I’m going to take Gabriella out to the park if that’s okay,”

“Sure, sure,” you said softly, “I have no idea what we’re doing today,” Ella nodded, disappearing from your view. You rubbed Rafael’s back, gently trying to ease him off of you. He was heavy, and you could barely move, “Rafi,” you whispered. You didn’t want to wake him, but you really had no choice. You needed to pee really badly, and it was getting late. “Rafael, honey, wake up,” He started to stir slightly.

“M’sleepin,” he whispered. You laughed softly, smoothing his hair back,

“I know, I just need you to let me up. You can sleep a little bit longer then if you want,” you murmured. He groaned again, breathing in deeply before starting to ease up and off of you. You stood up, shaking out sore limbs and trying to stretch. Rafael was already back on the couch, his face almost buried in your pillow as he burrowed under the blankets. You walked around for a moment, rolling your neck and trying to restore feeling in your hand. It had fallen asleep. You straightened the blanket that was on top of him so his boxer-clad ass wasn’t sticking out. Going to the bathroom was your first priority, and then you started to make something small for him to eat for breakfast. You let him doze for another half hour before you tried to wake him. “Hey, Raf. You need to get up baby,”

“No,” he whined, rolling over and shutting his eyes again, “M’tired,”

“Rafael, you need to get up. It’s time to eat breakfast,” you insisted. He groaned but sat up, rubbing his eyes. “You thirsty?” He sighed but nodded. You brought him a glass of water and a small bowl of fruit. He took a few sips of the water, leaning into your arms when you sat beside him. “Try and eat this for me?”

“No,” he whispered, “M’not hungry,” He leaned his head down on your shoulder, shutting his eyes once more. You rubbed his back,

“Rafael, please,” you whispered.

“No,” his voice was firm, “I don’t want food. I don’t want media or court. I just want this all to stop,” He stood up, “I’m tired of all of it,” Then he was gone, his door slamming shut. You sighed, letting your head fall back against the couch. You hated how much this was hurting him, but you were starting to see you couldn’t help him on your own. At least not right now. You were glad Dr. Huang was supposed to come and talk with him later. You hoped he would be able to help Rafael feel better about people knowing what happened to him. He was ashamed of it, and he didn’t need to be. You busied yourself cleaning up the living room and doing dishes until you couldn’t take it anymore. Rafael was hurting, and you couldn’t ignore it. You knocked on the door.

“Raf,” you called softly. You heard some shifting around on the bed.

“Come in,” he whispered, so you slowly opened the door. He was laying down on the bed, facing the wall. He looked more depressed than you had ever seen him. He just sniffled, not moving as you came closer.

“Can I sit down?” you asked softly. He didn’t answer. “Raf, I’m going to sit down,” You sat beside him, rubbing your hand down the slope of his back, scooting closer to him. “You alright?”

“No,” he whispered after a log silence, “Will you hold me?” he finally asked. You were glad he was telling you what he needed. You laid down behind him, dragging him back against your front, your belly pressed up against his lower back as you wrapped your arms around him. You rubbed little circles across his chest and his belly, trying to make him feel safe and warm.

“I’m right here,” you whispered. He nodded, reaching to hold your left hand where it rested against his side.

“I’m sorry I got upset earlier,” he whispered, and you shook your head, kissing the back of his neck,

“You don’t have to apologize for that Rafi,” you whispered, “Don’t bottle things up. If you need to scream, I want you to scream. If you need to cry, cry. Whatever makes you feel better,” He nodded, but you could feel the way his chest was heaving with sobs. The way he was trying to choke them back. “Let it out Raf,”

“I’m so—I’m so angry,” he finally bawled, his grip tightening on your hand. Rafael started to shake in your arms, loud breaths escaping him. He was gasping, pressing his face into the pillow. Tensing up was not helping him.

“It’s okay, let it out, it’s alright honey,” you promised, pressing your lips against the base of his neck. “I am right here for you,” He slowly turned over, pressing his face to your shoulder instead. The brief glimpse of his face broke your heart. His eyes were red and huge with tears, his face screwed up in agony. You ran your fingers through his hair, holding him tight to you. His hands started clutching at your shirt, reaching under to feel your warm skin. You knew that skin on skin contact could be comforting, but you didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. “You want to try something?” His eyes grew wide when he looked at you, and you quickly realized your mistake, “Not like that Raf, I meant to help you calm down,” You gently shifted him around, “Take off your shirt. I’m just gonna hold you. Nothing more okay?” He nodded, shakily taking off his tee. You pulled your own shirt off, leaving the bra and pulling him close. He sniffled as he snuggled up against you, resting his face over your sternum. His cheek was pressed against the swell of your breasts, his chest and stomach resting against your side. He sighed contentedly when you rubbed little circles on his back. He slowly quieted down, breathing heavily for awhile.

“I think I can eat that fruit now,” he finally whispered, voice hoarse. You gently got out from under him, bringing the bowl back and letting him get into the same position again as he ate. He seemed to be very comforted by it, and that was something that you were glad to know. You were still trying to find your footing with him, so you understood what helped him to feel better. He was staring off into space for awhile until he finally looked up at you, “D’you still wanna get married?” he asked softly.

“What kind of question is that you silly man?” you said incredulously, “You name the time and place and I’m there,”

“Could we plan it in a month? I just want--I want to be married to you,” he whispered.

“We can try,” you said softly with a smile. He let his arm rest across your stomach. “Raf what if we went down to City Hall and we got married, and then we could take our time planning the wedding. That way we can plan our honeymoon when you’re ready,”

“You would be okay with that?” he asked softly, and you nodded, unsure of why he might think otherwise. “I can probably, I--I want to be better now,” he whispered, “I don’t want to make you wait,”

“Raf, I’ve told you, I don’t mind. We need time to plan everything anyway,” you assured him. He still looked like a kicked puppy. He wanted everything to disappear and poof back to how it was before. You weren’t sure if things would ever be the same.

“Okay, okay. When is Dr. Huang supposed to be here?” he asked tiredly, “I need a shower before he comes,” You checked your phone.

“An hour. Finish your food then you can shower,” you told him softly. He nodded, finishing up the fruit. Then he stood up, and you got him a towel. He picked out his own clothes before trailing you to the bathroom. You were turning on the water and adjusting the temperature when he hands went to your hips, pulling you around for a kiss.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “Thank you for being here for me,” He climbed in the shower after that, and you left him alone to clean up.

When he came out, dressed and looking refreshed, you got him some lunch. He ate half a sandwich for lunch, disappearing into the kitchen to do his dishes. You watched tv until there was a knock on the door. You opened it, letting Dr. Huang in and getting him settled on the couch before going to find Rafael. He had been in the kitchen for a very long time. When you went in, he was facing the sink, and you had no idea what he was doing. He turned around, practically jumping out of his skin. He had a glass of water in his hand. “Jesus, you scared the shit out of me Y/N,” he whispered, putting a hand over his racing heart. His face was slightly red, his hand shaking, and he looked like he felt guilty about something.

“Are you alright?” you asked softly.

“Yeah, yeah, I needed a drink of water,” he said softly. He was being evasive, lying about something. You could tell, but you weren’t sure what. You didn’t want to press him because there was potential that he had an episode earlier and that was why it took so long. He wouldn’t want to admit that to you.

“Come on baby,” you said gently, bringing him into the living room, “It’s time to talk to Dr. Huang,” Rafael sat down on the couch, looking disoriented for a moment.

“Rafael are you feeling alright?” Dr. Huang asked softly. Rafael shrugged, “How have you been sleeping?”

“Okay I guess,” he whispered, “I slept good last night,” Dr. Huang was watching his face closely as he spoke. Rafael twitched around, fingers curling around his own wrist, gripping and pulling at the sleeve of his sweater.

“Good, I’m glad. I know you told me you were struggling to eat. How has that been going?” Dr. Huang was easing into the session, catching up on the time between their visits.

“I’m still not that hungry. I ate half a sandwich and some fruit today,” he whispered. He was feeling antsy. You had to know. Feeling more than a little bit paranoid, he was trying to talk himself off the ledge.

“You seem distracted,” the doctor observed, “Are you experiencing flashbacks or nightmares?”

“I’m just a little tired, I had a nightmare last night,” he lied, trying to dance around his real issue. He felt burning shame inside of him when he even thought about admitting what was going on.

“Tell me about it?” Dr. Huang prodded. Rafael gulped. He did have a nightmare. That part wasn’t a lie, and he didn’t want to talk about that either.

“I’d rather not,” he whispered.

“Rafael, let’s not dance around this,” the doctor pushed. He seemed to sense that this was an old problem, something that had been plaguing Rafael for a long time. Talking about that, about how he was just an unloved little boy who let his father….it made him sick to even think about. How did you look at him every day? How were you not disgusted with him? He was disgusted with himself. A hand on his arm startled him, but it was just Dr. Huang gently nudging his hand open. There were startling red half moon cuts on his forearm, and they stung. He hadn’t even noticed he was doing that to himself. It just made things hurt a little bit less. He was rocking slightly, “Do you remember doing that when you were very young Rafael?” Dr. Huang asked softly. Rafael didn’t answer for a long time, but eventually he cracked,

“Yes,” he whispered, unable to stop the motion. It was soothing to an extent. Biting his lip, he shut his eyes and tried to pretend he was okay. He hated feeling like this. He was supposed to feel better. He had taken his medicine. It was supposed to help.

“What happened before you would rock yourself Rafael?” he asked softly, “Did someone hurt you?”

“No,” he gritted out, “Nothing happened to me. I’m fine,” he whispered.

“We both know that is not true,” Dr. Huang whispered, “You’ve been keeping this inside of yourself for too long, it will feel better if you let me help you,” Rafael didn’t want to say it again. He wished he had never told anyone. He wished he was dead.

“I’m tired of this. I’m tired of everything hurting,” he whispered, standing up, and storming over to the mantle where you kept the pictures of your small family. He picked up his favorite one of you two at the beach, that was before he had been shattered into a million pieces. It hurt then, but now it was so, so much worse. He wrapped an arm around himself, hanging his head slightly. “I’m so tired,”

“Okay, alright Rafael, we can try again some other time, come and sit down again,” Dr. Huang said softly. Rafael set the picture down, slowly going back to the couch. He needed to pull himself together. He needed to stop this stupid spiraling. He was stronger than this; at least he used to think so. He took a seat, running his fingers through his hair, and trying to calm down. Damn it, why was his hand shaking so badly. He took a deep breath, shutting his eyes for a few moments and trying to center himself. “That’s it, deep, deep breaths,”

“Can we talk about something else,” he whispered. Dr. Huang nodded,

“Of course Rafael, these are your therapy sessions. What would you like to talk about?” he asked.

“I-I,” he paused, feeling his cheeks redden. This was embarrassing. He gulped, tugging on his sweater sleeve again. Why did he feel so damn anxious? Wasn’t the medicine supposed to fix that? He was shaking still. “I want to have sex” he finally admitted.

“And why’s that?” Dr. Huang asked gently. Apparently his face could get redder. He felt the burning embarrassment as he considered his words. He just wanted Dr. Huang to tell him how to make himself better. He couldn’t lose you.

“Why does anyone want to have sex?” Rafael said, “It feels good. I want to feel good again,”

“You just experienced a trauma, a sexually violent encounter,” the doctor reminded him.

“You think I ever forget that?” Rafael practically exploded. There was a moment of tense silence, and Rafael hated himself even more.“Just help me please,” He eventually whispered.

“Have you done anything on your own?” Dr. Huang asked softly. Rafael shook his head. Even the thought of his own hands made him shiver with disgust. “Start there, take it slow, just feel. You don’t have to do any more than you are comfortable with,” he nodded softly, but that wasn’t enough. He was going to take forever to be back to normal, and you’d be sick of waiting around for him, and he’d end up all alone. He couldn’t be alone again.

“I think that’s plenty for today,” Dr. Huang said softly, “We’re going to try again next time, take care of yourself Rafael. I’m only a call away,”

“Thanks,” He whispered, dropping his head into his hands.

………………………..

Rafael was laying on the ground, covered in a sheen of sweat. He was trying to do his work outs that Dr. Yang had given him. He was supposed to be careful about his headaches, but he currently was trying to ignore what he would call a seven on his scale of worst headaches. He did another crunch, gritting his teeth at the muscle stretch. It hurt, but it was worth the pain. A soft cry startled him slightly, but he was up to his feet in minutes. You weren’t home. Earlier, you had left with Ella to go to the store, and he had elected to stay home, somehow managing to convince you to let Gabriella stay too. She was supposed to be napping. He headed back to her room, finding her awake and crying in her crib. He reached in, gently lifting her out. You would kill him if you knew, but he didn’t care. He wanted to hold her.

She calmed down a little just from him cradling her, but he soon realized she needed changed, so he set her on the table, unsnapping the buttons on her onesie. He pushed it up, well above waist and started to remove the soiled diaper. He wiped her off, gently applying the rash cream and getting her all dressed in a new one. “All better baby girl?” He asked softly, smiling at her. She was much happier after that and he couldn’t help but feel proud of himself. He had been so clueless before, but now he could do that in his sleep. He carried her out to the living room, deciding to take a much needed break. Maybe she would nap better on his chest. He laid on the couch, carefully positioning her on top of him and moving anything that might hurt her. He started to drift off almost right away.

He woke up from his nap because his phone was ringing. Gabriella was still zonked on top of him, so it made it even harder to fish his phone from the floor. When he saw it was Liv, he ignored it. He didn’t want to talk about his case or get lunch or anything. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone right now. He gently shifted Gabriella around, and she opened up her eyes. He smiled at her, enjoying the cooing noises she made back. He stuck his tongue out to try and get her to laugh, but ended up almost jumping off the couch when she lifted her head up on her own. Since when had she been capable of that? She was watching him curiously, her hands splayed out on his chest as she supported the weight of her head and neck. “¿Qué  
haces princessa?” He asked softly. She dropped back down. Rafael carefully picked her up under her arms and lifted her above him so he could see the look on her face. She let out a little noise, smiling and he couldn’t wipe the grin from his face. He started making little noises at her and faces while he lifted her up and down, and shit that was working his chest. He realized he was basically bench pressing her weight. He stopped, knowing it was probably too much. He got a bottle instead, content to feed her and rock her to sleep before you got home. If there was one thing he was never letting go of, it was his daughter.

 

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooo done with svu rn. It’s disrespectful the way they have been testing and referring to Barba and Liv and STONE after two episodes at Forlini’s. Omg did they manage to get me mad tonight....not even gonna start on stone taking off his shirt. Whatever...
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry this took so long, I was mad, also I forgot I wrote the first section so I was like HOW IS THIS SO SHORT IVE BEEN WRITING FOR LIKE 3 HOURS. Enjoy, let me know what you guys think and thanks for reading! I love all you guys :) 
> 
> ***warning for some slight body issues, a little bit of boundary crossing, and some smuttyish stuff but not really....***

  
Rafael shifted uncomfortably on the bed. He felt butterflies racing inside of him, his hands were shaking, and he honestly felt like he was going to throw up. He could hear the shower still going, so he knew you weren’t out yet. He needed something to help him calm down, so he could go through with this. He had spent a good hour in the bathroom, taking a long shower, shaving his face, brushing his teeth, and he had pulled on his tightest pair of boxer briefs. Maybe if he threw himself into the pool, he would be able to swim, but first, he needed a floatie. He went into the kitchen, careful to scope out if Ella was out there. He found his pills, taking a couple to try and calm him down. He was needing more and more to do the job which concerned him, but he wasn’t ready to admit he needed help. He didn’t want anyone to know how weak he really was. He was starting to feel the warm calmness spread within his stomach as he went back to lay down again, but his tremors began almost immediately when he heard the water turn off. He pulled on his briefs, lowering the waistline a little bit, but it was a struggle to stop himself from crossing his arms over his bare torso. He was so skinny. He felt scrawny like when he was twelve years old and a short, string bean.

There was a knock on the door, and he took a deep breath, steeling himself. “Raf, I just need some clothes. Can I come in?”

“Sure,” he called, trying not to sound too nervous. You opened the door, looking at your phone as you clutched the towel around yourself. “You know, I was thinking we could go out for dinner tonight, just you and me,” you said distractedly.

“Y/N,” he whispered, trying to get your attention,

“What, you don’t like dinner plans—” you trailed off when you saw him. You sort of just stood there for a moment, and he felt himself going red, tears filling his eyes. “Raf, what are you—”

“Please,” He whispered, “Please just—please,”

“Shh, don’t cry, you just caught me off guard,” you whispered, pulling on a bra and panties before coming to sit on the edge of the bed. “What is this about darling?”

“I just want to try okay,” he said softly, “Please,”

“Raf, honey, I don’t know if this is such a good idea,” you said gently, putting a hand on his arm, “It hasn’t been that long,” You thought he couldn’t do it. He clenched his jaw,

“Dr. Huang said it was okay. I asked him,” he lied. He knew you would listen if he told you he had cleared it with someone.

“He did?” You asked incredulously, but he nodded. Rafael watched your movements, trying to give himself plenty of time to tamp down on his urge to flinch away or tense up. He needed to stay calm, to look like he was okay. “Are you sure? You look—”

“Ugly?” He interrupted, and you grabbed his hand,

“No Rafael, of course not. I was going to say nervous,” you whispered. He looked away, feeling unsure of himself and if this would ever feel normal again. If he would ever feel normal anymore.

“Weren’t you nervous the first time we had sex?” he asked softly, his voice small. He wouldn’t meet your eyes because he felt so ashamed of himself. “Look, will you do this for me or not?” Your hand ghosted across his stomach, and he tensed up, his muscles fluttering with anxiety. He nodded though when you glanced at his eyes. You gently ran your fingers across his skin, trying to relax him and calm him down.

“What do you want me to do?” you asked gently, hand brushing across his chest, grazing his nipples and continuing down his sides to his hips. Your hands kneaded the muscles in his legs, and then back up. He let out a little breathy noise,

“I-I don’t know,” he whispered.

“Well, let’s just start slow then,” you assured him, leaning in to press a soft kiss to his lips. He clutched at you, his fingers tangling in your hair, “Easy baby, easy,” you whispered. He gripped your ass, pulling you closer to him, trying desperately to get that hot, tightly coiled pleasure to start pooling in his abdomen. You let him nudge you to straddle him, and he started to rock up against you, but after just a few moments, he growled in frustration. “Okay, shh, relax Rafael. You getting tense isn’t going to help,” you whispered, cupping his cheek. You guided his hands to your breasts, and he nodded, gulping softly as you kissed his jaw and neck. He was gentle, palming them over your lacy bra. He let you push his shoulders back, so they rested against the headboard, pillows propping him up. You moved to the side, watching his face as you gently pulled his boxer briefs down to his knees and then off.

He was shaking still, so you gently ran your hands all over his skin, kissing him and trying to relax his body. You rubbed little circles on his lower belly, getting him to sag back on the bed. You spit in your hand, grasping him and starting to pump his cock. He let out a gasp, it felt nice, but he still wasn’t really getting hard. He was feeling overwhelmed by sensation and memories, bad memories. “Fuck,” he whispered when you twisted your hand in a way that would have usually made him buck up into your hand. He could barely breathe.

“Honey,” you whispered, stilling. He was barely hard at all, and he wasn’t getting anymore aroused.

“No, I can do it,” he whispered desperately, tears starting to fill his eyes.

“Rafael, it’s okay. You just aren’t ready,” you whispered, “Your body is telling you to wait a little bit longer,” He started sobbing, angrily throwing pillows on the floor and grabbing for his discarded underwear. His face was burning, reddening more by the minute. He stood up, balling up his fists and then raking his shaking hand through his hair as he collapsed down to his knees. You were by his side, wrapping an arm around his back, “Honey, it’s alright. I don’t think any less of you, and you shouldn’t either. Calm down baby, it’s okay,” He scrambled to grab onto you, burying his face against your chest,

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he sobbed, “I-I’m sorry,” He collapsed against you, clinging and apologizing over and over again. Your fingers were in his hair, nails scraping against his scalp, and your hands moved down across his back. Everything hurt. He felt consumed by shame, his body shaking and trembling. He felt utterly shattered.

“Rafael, stop apologizing. You listen to me,” you whispered, trying to comfort him. He sniffled wetly, cuddling up in your arms. “I want you to understand something. I don’t care if we never have sex again. I will still love you. I know other people have hurt you, and told you lies about yourself. They made you feel worthless, but you are so much more than all of that,” you whispered into his hair.

“Don’t lie to me,” he murmured, “Please don’t lie,”

“I’m not lying, I love you,” you promised, but he shook his head all the same, “I love you,” you whispered it over and over again to him, “I wouldn’t lie to you,” You held him tight, promising him that it was going to be okay. He eventually became completely despondent, not talking or reacting. You helped him over on his side, pushing a pillow under his head and rubbing his back. You massaged his muscles, gently trying to soothe him as he lay there. His breathing calmed down, and then he seemed like he was asleep. You didn’t want to just leave him there on the floor, but you weren’t strong enough to pick him up. “I wish I could help you more darling. I’m so sorry,” you whispered, running fingers through his sideburns. You wanted to hold him and make everything better, but you knew he probably needed some space at the moment.

…………………………………..

You were watching a movie in the living room with Ella, Gabriella asleep in her arms. You were hungry, but trying to wait for Rafael to come out so you could go out for dinner. He finally did appear, blearily rubbing his eyes and stumbling out of the bedroom, his hair sticking up every which way and his briefs hanging low on his hips. “Hey,” you said softly, patting the couch beside you. He managed a weak smile for you, coming to sit down on the couch. He leaned into your touches which was encouraging. You pulled him into a tight hug which he returned, breathing softly against your neck. “I love you,” you whispered to him.

“Love you too,” he whispered back.

“Are you hungry? You never answered about going out,” you asked, rubbing his leg. He nodded softly, “Where do you want to eat? Anywhere you want,” you offered softly.

“Can we go to Coppelia or Victor’s?” he asked softly. He was looking at you unsurely like he thought you might yell at him for picking the restaurant despite the fact that you had just told him it was his choice.

“Of course we can Rafael, you just need to get dressed and ready to go,” you answered.

“You mean I can’t go like this?” he teased weakly, but you laughed all the same. You loved how much he could make you laugh. He could have you rolling around on the bed until your sides hurt, “The waitress might give us free dinner,”

“Oh my God,” you whispered, grabbing onto him, “Stop, I can’t stop laughing,” He was smiling smugly when you looked up at him, and for a moment, you forgot about everything that had happened. It was just you and Rafael, the man you loved with all your heart. His smile quickly faded back into that sad, slight raise of his lips. “Get up you goofball; you should get dressed,” You helped him get up to his feet. He quickly slipped on some jeans that used to fit him just snug enough, but now they were almost hanging off his waist. He sighed and pulled out one of the new pairs you had bought him. Those used to be his favorites. He put on a white button up, pulling a sweater over top and rolling his sleeves. He had been extremely cold as of recent even when it was reasonably warm outside. You helped him comb gel into his hair because it was uncomfortable at times for his arms to be that high for extended periods of time. He brushed his teeth, grabbing his wallet and trailing you outside to catch a cab. You walked close, but not as close as you usually would until he reached for your hand. You started bumping shoulders as you walked. He was smiling at you in the cab, intertwined hands resting in his lap. The silence was comfortable, and he seemed okay. You had something serious you wanted to talk to him about, but you were saving it for after dinner. You wanted him to eat and to be happy for a couple of hours. He opened the door for you at the restaurant, walking up to the hostess table.

“How many?” the woman asked,

“Two please, and uh, I like the booth by the window in the corner,” he told her matter of factly. You smiled. He was so particular about his seat. He always sat in the same one at the bar, and he had different table preferences depending on the restaurant. The last time you went out, he had been silent, slinking into the booth and staring at his drink while you ate, but already he seemed better. He was smiling at you as you sat down, he ordered an appetizer, and his own drink this time. It felt like before. “Mmm, this all looks so good,” he said softly. You were almost speechless. He was suddenly so together. “Might wanna close your mouth before you catch a fly,” he teased, “You know what you want? I thought we could share dessert later,”

“Sure, sure,” you replied, reaching for your drink, “I think I’m going to try the….” you trailed off blushing, and he laughed,

“What?” he said softly, grinning.

“You’re gonna laugh at me. I don’t want to try and say this,” you finally admitted. He looked like a kid in a candy store, waiting expectantly for you to give it a try. You hadn’t seen him smile so big in a while, so you went for it, sure you were going to screw it up, “Tallarin Verdé,” He bit back a laugh, his face lighting up, “How do you actually say it?” you prodded.

“Say it again,” he whispered, and you wanted to punch him, but you swallowed your pride to make him happy. He laughed again before softly correcting your pronunciation. “Need me to order for you?” he was smug.

“Shut up,” you said, but you were laughing all the same. He reached across the table for your hand, “You okay?” you asked after he had been quiet for a bit.

“I’m fine, I just…..I’m still tired from earlier,” he whispered, reaching for his water, “I want a whiskey,”

“You know you can’t,” you said softly, and he nodded. You squeezed his hand, and he shot you a soft smile. “You look really good tonight,”

“Thanks,” he murmured. His eyes were glued to his lap. When the appetizer arrived, he perked up slightly, picking at the chips. “Did you know Gabriella can lift her head up?” he asked softly. You looked up, eyes going wide.

“She what?” you asked.

“She lifted her head up, and she scared the shit out of me. I was laying down, and she was just suddenly propping herself up,” he said, smiling, “I love that kid. She’s getting so much bigger every day, too fast. I just want to protect her from the whole world,” You understood exactly what he was saying. Gabriella was growing up so fast. You wanted her to stay this small forever, but soon she was going to be able to roll over and crawl and then walk.

“She has your eyes,” you said softly, “I love it. I look at her, and I think of you. The man who saved my life,” You looked at him as he blushed, taking another bite of his food.

“You give me too much credit. You’re stronger than you know,” he told you before sipping his drink. Soon enough they brought the food out, and Rafael was trying. He really was. You could tell how exhausted he was from earlier, but he smiled for you all the same, and when the check came he pulled out his wallet, tucking his card into the folder and giving you that stern look that told you he wouldn’t stand for any objections. He had always taken pride in treating you like you were the most important person in the world. He spoiled you rotten at times. He held your hand on the way out the door, and drooped against you in the cab, starting to lose the battle with sleep. He woke up some when as you got closer, but you weren’t sure if he’d be up for the conversation you wanted to have. He settled on the couch next to you when you got upstairs, and he was distractedly watching tv when you muted it.

“Can we talk?” you asked softly. He looked up at you, terror in his eyes.

“Y-Yeah,” he whispered. You took his hand,

“I know you’ve been having a rough time lately, and I understand it may not have even been intentional, but earlier, you made me uncomfortable,” you started softly, and Rafael looked like he wanted to interrupt you and get on his knees, begging for forgiveness. He had tears in his eyes, “I need to be able to trust you, Rafael, in bed and out of bed, and that includes you being honest with me about what you’re feeling. I know you lied to me about Dr. Huang saying it was okay, and I know--I’m under the impression that what happened earlier had nothing to do with you being ready or wanting to have sex. I need you to talk to me and to be honest because I can’t do this otherwise,” Rafael looked ashamed, his head dropping as tears dripped from his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I-I screwed up. I keep screwing up,”

“Raf, I’m not trying to make you upset or make you feel bad. I just can’t be hurting you or not understanding how you’re actually feeling,” you explained. You didn’t want him to melt down because of it. He dropped his head into his hands, and you ran a hand over his back. “Don’t cry, not about this. I’m not mad, I promise. I just felt the need for communication okay?”

“I can’t breathe,” he whispered, “I need--I need some medicine. I’m--I’m sorry,” His sobs were heart-wrenching for you to listen to, “I just--don’t you see yet that I’m not worth your time? There’s one thing that everyone seems to want from me, and now I can’t even do that,”

“Look at me, listen to me, the person who loves you most in this world. I love you, Rafael. You are worth my time. I don’t care if we don’t have sex ever again because it’s all of you that I’m in love with. Don’t listen to the disgusting people who have taken advantage of you,” you said, kneeling down and cupping his cheeks with your hands. He laughed bitterly. You kissed his forehead, going to the kitchen to get his medicine. He took the two pills you got him, letting you pull him into your arms. Tears dripped onto your shirt until he calmed down, the Xanax taking control and relaxing him. You sat there with him until he decided to go back to bed, practically staggering toward his room. You laid awake for most of the night, Brady curled up in your arms as you tried to figure out what to do. 


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, here’s chapter 22...I’m not sure what content I’ll be able to get up this weekend because I have work and I have to read for school, so we’ll see. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, let me know what you think and thanks for reading! :) 
> 
> Super excited for Raúl’s new show :):):):) he’s gonna be a lead in a tv show and I’m living for it

_“Rafael,” the voice was soft, “Rafael, wake up,”_

_He opened his eyes, seeing an empty classroom, his English teacher kneeling down in front of him. He felt panic begin to overtake him, “I’m sorry, did I fall asleep?” He whispered, scrambling to stand up._

_“Relax honey, are you feeling alright? You’ve been quiet all week,” the woman asked, reaching to feel his forehead. He flinched back, almost tripping on himself. “Is something going on at home?”_

_“No,” he said a little too quickly, “Everything is fine. I’m fine. I’m sorry I fell asleep in your class, it won’t happen again. I was up late studying last night, and I need to go,” He rushed out of there, collecting his books._

_Later, he was sitting at the dinner table, his eyes glued to his plate when it happened. “Rafael, I got a call from your teacher today. You fell asleep during class?” He could feel his father’s eyes on him as his mother spoke. “She asked me how things are at home. That’s embarrassing Rafi,”_

_“M’sorry,” He whispered, “I didn’t mean to,” he hated disappointing his mother._

_“Rafael, go up to your room,” that was growled from his father. He stood up, not daring to disobey. He sat on his bed and tried to read, but he couldn’t focus. Not when he knew what was coming. He tried his best to lay still when the door opened, to pretend like he was asleep, but he knew it didn’t really matter. He had woken up before to find his abuser on top of him, inside of him. It didn’t matter what he did, it was always the same ending._

_He missed school for a week after that._

Rafael shot up with a gasp, grasping for his chest. It felt like it was burning with every breath he took. He grabbed a pillow, squeezing it through the pain, until it died down enough that he felt okay. Okay was a relative term. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, he was gulping in breaths, and his hands were shaking. He felt ill. He wanted to call for you, but your name felt lodged in his throat. He clenched his sweaty hands, balling sheets up into his hands. He was shaking. He stood up, almost stumbling into the wall. He steadied himself on the wall, leaning his head against the cool paint. He wanted to pound his hand through the wall, he was so, so angry. It was so unfair. His whole life was crumbling, he was crumbling, and he wanted to make something else crumble too. Curling up into a ball on the ground, he tried to calm himself down, to make himself breathe, but it was useless as always. None of it ever worked, the breathing exercises, the coping mechanisms. Everything just hurt too much. He slammed his fist off the ground, and it hurt a lot, but it felt good to hit something. He wanted to scream until his voice was gone and punch something until it broke, until he broke his hand. He was so angry. He dragged himself up off the floor, making his way to Gabriella’s room where he sat in the rocking chair. He wanted to pick her up and hold her, but he didn’t want to hurt her, and he was way past trusting himself. “Daddy loves you,” he whispered, his voice small, “Daddy loves you more than anything Gabriella, never doubt that princess,” He knelt down by her crib, looking at her face as she slept. Her eyes fluttered open for just a second, settling on his face before she slipped back into a deep sleep.

He was shivering as he stood up, so he went back in his room for a blanket. He needed you. Eyes overflowing with tears, he dragged the blanket out with him toward the couch. He stopped short, watching you sleep, and he didn’t want to wake you up. You looked so peaceful, and he hadn’t missed the bags that had been forming under your eyes recently, the exhaustion that had to be overtaking you as you tried to take care of him. Why did he have to be such a burden? Why did he have to be so pathetic. He nervously brought his fingers up to his mouth, biting his nails, clenching his other hand. He needed something, something to take the hurt away.

…………………………………………………….

You usually knew when people were in the room. It was hard to sneak up on you, you could just sense the presence of others. When you woke up, drowsiness and and sleep making your head feel fuzzy, you were startled by the figure that was practically lurking in the shadows. Once your eyes adjusted, you saw it was Rafael. He was standing there, hair disheveled, only wearing a pair of boxers and a soft tee shirt, and dragging a blanket behind him like he was five. “Y/N,” he whispered, his voice broken. The moon light shining through the window made him look boyish as he stepped forward. “I need you,”

“Rafi, honey, how long have you been standing there? Come here,” you said softly, sitting up a little bit. As he took a step forward, the tear tracks on his face caught the light. You coaxed him to the couch and into your arms. He leaned against you, his face pressing against your neck. You leaned your face down into his hair, kissing the top of his head, and his hands curled around your sides. He was sniffling wetly, his fingers digging in slightly. It hurt but only a little bit, and you would gladly hurt it it took some pain away from him. “What happened?” you asked softly.

“I had a bad dream,” he murmured. You ran a hand down the curve of his back, resting it on the warm skin where his shirt rode up.

“About the hospital or your dad?” you asked softly, “Or Casey?” He shut his eyes. Somehow you made him feel so much better, took some of that pain away from him.

“My dad,” he whispered finally, and you squeezed him just a little bit tighter. “I-I need you so badly, I need your help,”

“Tell me how to help Rafael, I will do it in a heartbeat,” you promised, “I’m right here,”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how to feel better. I just--I can’t do this on my own,” he muttered, starting to cry harder, “Please, I’m lost,”

“Okay, we’re gonna figure this out. You and I will figure this out together,” you promised. He was shaking again, but he relaxed into your hands as you rubbed little circles into his muscles with your thumbs, up and down his back until he was relaxing. He started to press little kisses on your neck, the wet tears smearing onto your skin.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“I love you,” you said back, knowing he needed to hear it. He nodded, staying silent, but you didn’t mind because you knew he was feeling insecure. He felt like dirt, like he was worth nothing. Based on a few comments that had caught your attention, Rafael felt uncomfortable with his body as well which didn’t help his self image. You ran your hand across his back, trying to soothe him. “You’re so handsome, you know that?” you asked softly. He didn’t answer. You nuzzled your face in his hair,

“Why do you love me?” he whispered eventually, his voice so soft. You tilted his chin up, looking him right in the eyes,

“Oh Rafael, there are so many reasons. The first time I ever met you, your kindness, your compassion was what made me feel safe again. I thought I would never feel safe again, but you changed that for me,” you told him seriously. His green eyes filled with tears, the hurt shining through. “And I love the way you smile, I love your eyes, I love every little scar on your body because it is proof you survived,” His eyes fluttered shut as your lips pressed against his forehead. You cradled his jaw in your hands, thumbs brushing away fresh tears, “I love that you never back down from a challenge, and Rafael, this challenge is the same. I know you are going to get through this because your strength is what I admire the most. You were strong for me, but I am falling apart. I’m not good at this like you are. You are strong,” He nodded this time, sniffling and clinging. You turned the tv on, lowering the volume so it was just background noise as you sat there.

“I want some medicine,” he whispered. You didn’t want to deny him the one thing he was asking for, but he couldn’t have anymore yet. “Please,”

“Rafa, baby, you can’t. I’m sorry darling, but you need to hold off on it for a little while. It’s too soon,” you explained. He let out a ragged sob, but he curled into your side all the same,

“It feels like he’s sucking the life from me,” he whispered. “Why did he do that to me?”

“Because he was a sick, sick man, Rafael,” you told him softly,, “He was disgusting and perverted, but you did nothing to deserve that or provoke that. It was not your fault,” You stroked your fingers through his hair, nails grazing his scalp pleasantly. He sniffled wetly, reaching up to wipe at his face.

“I feel like--” he lurched forward, gagging. He pulled out of your arms, collapsing down to his hands and knees on the ground as he started letting out tortured noises as the heaves began. You scrambled for a trash can, rubbing his back with your free hand. You got it just in time to save him from vomiting all over the ground. Rubbing his back as he threw up for almost five minutes, you whispered soothing words. He collapsed down to the ground, whimpering and groaning. He was all sweaty and clammy. “Ughhnn,” he groaned, writhing slightly.

“Shhh, shhh, I know it hurts,” you whispered, hand rubbing circles over his back, “I have you honey, I’m right here,” He pressed his palms to his temples, groaning raggedly, pain overwhelming him. “What hurts? Your chest or your head?”

“Shit,” he hissed, “My head,” It felt like blood was pounding through his temples. You brought him a few advil pills, helping him sit up enough to take his pills. He sagged against you, his hands clutching at your legs desperately as he waited for it to help. Finally, he was simply breathing hard, and shutting his eyes in relief.

“Come on, let’s brush your teeth and get you some new clothes, and then we’re gonna go to bed,” you murmured. He was like a zombie, allowing you to lead him to the bathroom where you squeezed some toothpaste on his toothbrush. He stood there, staring in the mirror, the bags under his eyes looking very prominent. “Brush your teeth baby,” you whispered, nudging his elbow up. You left him there for just a moment, retrieving a clean pair of boxers, blue checkers that reminded you of his blue shirt that you loved so much, and a soft red tee shirt that you had just bought him. He was brushing his teeth when you came back, leaning heavily on the sink. He spit, rinsing his face with a handful of water afterward. “Wanna take your shirt off for me?” you asked softly. He slowly pulled it off, and you helped him into the new shirt. You handed him the boxers to pull on, and then you lead him toward his bedroom.

“I don’t want to sleep in there,” he whispered.

“Raf,”

“No” he insisted, “I don’t want to sleep in there, please,” You weren’t going to make him. Not tonight. You nodded, taking him back to the couch and laying down, pressing yourself into the back of the couch and he slowly stretched out in front of you, sighing contentedly as you wrapped your arms around his waist. He relaxed into your body, softly snoring in no time.

………………………………………….

Rafael was sitting on the couch reading a book. He felt the paper rough against his fingertips as he turned the pages, fingers pressed into the divots in the cover. It was an old book that he had read over and over again. The words that he thought he knew so well were running together, his brain mangling their meaning beyond comprehension. He couldn’t focus. Setting the book down in frustration, he pulled out his phone. _How are you?_ The message lit up the screen of his iPhone, Liv’s name appearing at the top. He hadn’t spoken to her in weeks, and it wasn’t because he was angry at her. He didn’t know what to say anymore. Not to Liv, not to anyone. There were no words that could encompass the pain he felt everyday.

 _Not great._ He typed back, running a few fingers through his hair. He felt cooped up, isolated at times. He wanted to feel better, and Dr. Huang had mentioned he should try going out with friends, but he hated going out more times than not. He was spending ten minutes trying to come up with what to say when it should take him thirty seconds. Especially with Liv. His phone buzzed, and he picked it up, taking a look.

 _Anything I could bring by that might help?_ He didn’t know what he wanted or what would help. What did he even like anymore? He snuggled into the pillow that was propping him up. Shutting his eyes, he wrapped his arms around himself and tried to breathe through his pain. He felt overwhelmed and almost panicked that he couldn’t think of one thing that would help him. He was wracking his brain. He stood up, going for his crutch, the bottle in the kitchen. He tore open the cabinet, grabbing it and opening the bottle, but there wasn’t anything in it. He dropped it in a slight panic. “Y/N,” he called softly. You came running.

“What honey?” you asked, eyes searching him ensure he was alright.

“I don’t have any Xanax left. Can you call Dr. Huang?” he whispered, not meeting your eyes. He cringed when you looked at him with visible shock.

“How is it gone Rafael?” you asked softly, “It hasn’t been that long since we got a refill,” Rafael clenched his hands compulsively, tears filling his eyes. He turned away slightly. What was wrong with him? He hadn’t even realized it had gotten this bad. He was just so desperate to feel better, he was doing things that he knew were wrong. He was pathetic, and if he admitted this to you, no way would he be allowed near Gabriella anymore. “Rafael, I want you to look at me and tell me what’s going on,” you said softly, but he shook his head. He sunk down to the ground, hugging his knees to his chest and leaning his forehead against his knees.

The next time he was aware, a soft, soothing voice penetrated the white panic that had consumed him. “Rafael,” the voice was gentle, “Rafael, are you there? Can you hear me?” He blinked.

“Dr. Huang?” he finally croaked. A hand on his shoulder.

“Yes, it’s just me Rafael, can you talk to me about what’s going on?” the doctor asked gently. Rafael felt tears overtaking him again. He hated himself for all of this. Everyone was going to know, and knowing his luck, it would probably end up in a media release just like his assault. He covered his face with his hands, “There’s no judgement here Rafael. I need you to talk to me, so I can help you,” He let his head sag, starting to rock himself again.

“I didn’t mean for it to get this far,” he whispered, “I just--I needed to feel better, and it made me feel better. I took the medicine when I needed it, and then I needed more and more, and it hurt again after shorter periods of time, and I messed up okay,” As he said the words, he shook with fear. His entire life was in shambles, and he had no idea how he was supposed to make it back from this. 


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a transition chapter, but important all the same in my opinion. I hope you guys like this chapter and let me know what you think! Enjoy! :)
> 
> I’m really not sure what will be up the rest of the weekend. I’ll do my best to get stuff up, but no promises.

Rafael was sitting on the couch, staring down at his lap. He was anxiously shifting around as he waited for Dr. Huang to come talk to him. He was in the kitchen with you at the moment. “How long has he been like this?” He asked softly.

“I’m not sure. I had no idea this had gotten so bad. I thought he might be sneaking some pills here and there when he wasn’t supposed to, but….You have to help him. He’s already overdosed once,” you said softly. He looked so fidgety and small out there. You poured yourself and Dr. Huang a mug of tea. Rafael wasn’t answering you when you asked him if he wanted a drink, so you were giving him space. “His anxiety is crippling, he can’t even think straight. He’s trying so hard,”

“I know he is. We need to stop this now and then we’ll figure out what to do next. You can’t just stop him cold turkey on Xanax or he could die, so I’m going to set up a schedule for him to slowly detox and hopefully that will lessen the withdrawal,” Dr. Huang explained. He took the mug, heading out to sit with Rafael on the couch. You went over to the chair, figuring this was a conversation you needed to be a part of. If not, you would excuse yourself. Rafael couldn’t sit still, he had tears in his eyes. “Rafael, try and breathe, I know you’re embarrassed, but I’m not here to judge you. I’m here to help you,” Rafael nodded, shooting a glance in your direction.

“I’m not upset with you Rafael,” you added, “I just want you to let Dr. Huang help you okay?”

“Okay,” he finally whispered, his voice shaky. He tiredly rubbed his hands over his face, sniffling and trying to pull himself together.

“You’re going to experience what’s called withdrawal, but Y/N and I are going to help you through it. You may experience a fever, excessive sweating, heart palpitations, intense panic or anxiety, among other things. You’re going to want more medicine to help make you feel better, but you are only going to have a little bit. Seizures are very dangerous but a possibility. Has he had a seizure before?” The doctor explained softly, turning to look at you at the end.

“Once,” You said softly, “He had an infection and a really high fever. He hit his head and started seizing. It only lasted a minute or two,”

“But no type of seizure disorder?” He clarified, and you shook your head. “This isn’t going to be easy Rafael, but once you detox, you’ll feel better,” Rafael was sitting there, crying softly. Dr. Huang tried to meet his eyes, but Rafael was glaring at the wall, silent tears dripping down his cheeks. “Rafael, look here,” You wanted to hold him tightly. “I know you can do this,”

“I can’t do anything,” he whispered, “I couldn’t even stop myself from getting addicted to my anxiety meds. I’m pathetic,” Rafael stood up, going over to the window and refusing to look at either of you.

“Listen to me,” Dr. Huang said softly, standing up, “Xanax is a very addictive drug, being overdosed on benzos not that long again probably kick started this. I should have kept a closer eye on it. Rafael, it’s chemistry, your body was craving it. It’s not your fault,”

“That’s what you guys say about everything. It’s not my fault I took more drugs than you prescribed me, it’s not my fault I took the drugs that she gave me, it’s not my fault she raped me, apparently nothing is my fault,” he said bitterly.

“It isn’t, how were you supposed to know your nurse was not giving you the correct dosage of medication? She had the power in your patient provider relationship, and she abused that,” Dr. Huang told him gently. You forced yourself to stay sitting. You would not be able to stay calm enough to talk him down, not like Dr. Huang could. “You have been taken advantage of,”

“Then why does it keep happening to me?” He exploded, whipping around and then covering his mouth as he let out a tortured sobbing noise. He collapsed down to his knees, raggedly choking on his cries. Dr. Huang knelt beside him, gently touching his back and soothing him. Rafael buried his face against Dr. Huang’s torso, sobbing loudly. You stood up, but you didn’t want to overwhelm him. You sat near them, but Dr. Huang was focused on trying to get Rafael to breathe and relax. You wanted to step in and help, but you were afraid to startle him. It had taken Dr. Huang almost an hour to just coax Rafael off the kitchen floor.

“Okay Rafael, okay, I hear you. I understand,” Dr. Huang murmured, “It’s going to be okay,”

“Rafi, we’re gonna be with you through all of this, and then you’re gonna feel better,” You said gently. Rafael peeked out at you for a moment, his eyes watery, but hopeful.

“You don’t hate me?” He whispered,

“No, of course I don’t hate you,” you assured him, reaching gently for his hand. You ran your fingers through the tufts of hair at the nape of his neck. He sagged against Dr. Huang who let him relax there.

“I’m going to drop by and try to help, but you may want to see if you can get someone else to come help out around the house. Rafael’s going to have a hard week or so,” Dr. Huang suggested.

“Yes, of course, thank you so much Dr. Huang. I have no idea where we’d be without you,” You said softly.

“You can call me George if you’d like,” he offered kindly. Rafael lay still for a while, until he started to drift off. You made him sit up so Dr. Huang could get up and then you gently led him to the couch to sleep. He curled up, holding your pillow tight to him as he slept. You draped a blanket over his body, kissing his temple before collecting mugs to clean in the kitchen. George came in to help you. “I think I’m going to prescribe some Zoloft to try and help relieve his anxiety as he goes through withdrawal and for afterward because I’m not sure he’s ready to try and deal with that unmedicated,”

“Alright, I trust your judgement, I’m just concerned about Rafi,” you said softly. George smiled at you,

“I have absolute faith in him,” he said softly, “When he wakes up, try to get him to drink a lot of water. The next couple of days are going to be really tough. I’ll be back tomorrow to check up, and once he hits full scale withdrawal, I’ll try to come for a couple hours to help,”

“Is he going struggle with this for the rest of his life?” You asked after a few moments of silence.

“With the addiction?” He asked softly, “Or his sexual assault and anxiety?”

“I meant the addiction. I know the rest of it is going to be a long road. I’ve been through that myself,” you answered, “And you know, he was my rock, and I hate that I’m not as strong as him,”

“You’re doing great with him. He feels safer with you. Trust me,” Dr. Huang said softly. That did comfort you. You wanted to be there for him, to take care of him. “I’m going to head home, but tell Rafael, I will answer his calls anytime. If he needs something, I want him to call me,”

“I’ll talk to him, he doesn’t like asking for help. Last night though, he crawled onto the couch with me. He’s done it a couple times, especially after nightmares,” you said softly.

“If he wants to, it may be okay for you to share your bed again. Let him bring it up, but you could give it a try. Ease in, sleep facing away from each other or put some pillows in the middle. It’s okay if he shifts around into your arms in the middle of the night, but just let him dictate it,” he suggested. You appreciated all the advice he would give you. It was helping you so much. At times, you were so unsure of how to help him, but Dr. Huang was incredibly helpful. Sleeping in the same bed as Rafael was something that you missed with all your heart. The intimacy of waking up beside him every morning, of being the person who got to see him with messy hair and morning breath, to deal with him before he had coffee, it was such a privilege. He let you see him when he was vulnerable, something he hid from everyone else, and he was willing to create a child with you. Gabriella was beautiful, and you were so happy to have the joy of a child. The cherry on top was watching Rafael grow as a father and learn how to take care of her. His eyes lit up the moment you said her name.

“Thank you again,” you said softly, letting him out the door. You returned to Rafael, stroking your fingers through his hair as he slept. You wanted to hold him, and promise him this would be okay. He blurrily looked up at you, sleep clouding his awareness. He scooted closer, resting his head in your lap,

“M’sorry bout all this,” he whispered.

“Don’t be, it’s okay darling. All of this is gonna be okay,” you promised, your fingers moving through his hair again and down the expanse of his shoulders. “Go back to sleep,” He nodded, shutting his eyes and burrowing further against you. You ran fingers down the middle of his back, and he hummed appreciatively. You would sit here with him until he woke up if that would ensure he had nightmare free dreams. You would do anything he needed.

………………………………………………………

When Rafael woke up, all he could feel was exhaustion. He felt physically and mentally drained of energy. The light was causing a pounding sensation in his head, but he rubbed his eyes anyways, sitting up slowly. He smiled when he saw you sitting in a chair, feeding Gabriella as you watched tv. “Hey,” he whispered breathily.

“Hey handsome, you wanna hold her?” you asked softly, standing up when he nodded. You slowly shifted her into his arms so he could take over feeding her. You sat beside him, hand rubbing down his neck and through his hair. “You need to drink some water and have something to eat,”

“What time is it?” he whispered. There was only darkness coming from the window, and Rafael felt disoriented.

“It’s two am. She woke me up, not you,” you explained. He nodded. He had slept for so long, but he figured that was a good thing considering how tired he was. You had the tv turned to some crime show, but when you saw him staring, you changed the channel immediately. Rafael appreciated how in tune you were to his needs. At times, he needed to tell you how he was feeling, what he needed, but often when he was distressed or anxious, you would help him by saying the right things or holding him and running your hands through his hair and over his back. Gabriella was glancing around the room, her gaze falling on his face. Her hand started waving around and batting at his arms and chest lightly. He smiled, laughing softly,

“Look at her,” he whispered, “She’s getting so big, it’s like she’s just figuring out what her hand is,” He set the bottle down after she’d finished it, shifting her around so she would lean against his shoulder. He patted her back gently, rubbing little circles over her onesie and swaying slightly. He finally got her to burp, and then he held her as she started to fall asleep. You brought him a glass of water and a sandwich, setting it down for after he was finished holding her. “How did I end up with you two?” he wondered allowed.

“Well, let’s see, a very handsome man asked me out to dinner, and then proceeded to sweep me off my feet. I don’t think you need me to explain the birds and the bees though,” you said with a laugh. He smiled fondly, rocking her until she was off in dreamland, peacefully dozing in his arms. You took her, setting her back in her crib before coming back to sit beside him. He started sipping at his water, holding your hand when you came back.

“We’re gonna make it through this right?” he whispered. You weren’t sure what made him think you wouldn’t. You wrapped an arm around his shoulders, leaning against him, and he slipped his arm around you.

“We’re going to be fine,” you promised him, “Are you upset about something?” He was shaking slightly, his skin was a little clammy like he was nervous.

“No, no I just--” he tensed, shutting his eyes, “My head hurts and I’m feeling a little--a little anxious,” He leaned against you, pulling his arm back before leaning against your chest. He shivered, letting out a soft groan. “You wanna know what’s been bothering me?” he whispered. You ran a hand through his hair, taking a deep breath.

“If you want to tell, of course,” you answered.

“I don’t understand why I couldn’t--why couldn’t I get hard?” he murmured. His ears were already red. “I love you, I wanted you, I find you attractive, but I couldn’t do it. I had no trouble getting hard when I was being assaulted though,”

“Oh Raf,” you whispered, moving your hands over his skin, “I know it’s confusing, and I don’t have all the answers, but you were probably tense the other night. She had you drugged, you couldn’t move barely,” He didn’t answer, but he was relaxing slightly. “Now try and eat your sandwich because you aren’t going to be feeling well soon,” He sighed, but he picked up the plate and shakily started trying to finish the food you made him. This was only the beginning. 


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter, sorry about the delay. I’m not sure how quickly I’ll be updating this week. I have a lot of school work and work and I can’t stay up til three am writing when I have school, so hopefully I won’t take too long, but please bear with me. I hope you guys enjoy this, let me know what you think! :)

Things started out slowly, but boy did they escalate quickly. Rafael was sluggish the next day, and he complained of a headache, but by that night, he was laying in the dark on the couch, groaning and shaking. You gave him his medicine according to Dr. Huang’s schedule, and he calmed down for a little while. During the short break, you managed to get some water into him, but he was a mess. He started sobbing a couple of hours later, begging you for more, but you couldn’t give it to him. He curled up against you when you sat beside him, his hands bunched up in your shirt. His face was warm, but not worryingly so. “Raf,” you whispered, “Honey, can you drink some more water? Or eat some toast?”

“No,” he whispered, tightening his hold.

“Okay, shhh, it’s okay,” you murmured. He started whimpering.

“My head hurts so bad,” he whispered.

“Where’s it hurt?” You asked.

“My jaw, it’s like radiating up,” his voice was so soft you could barely hear him. You gently started to press your fingertips into his jaw, massaging lightly. He relaxed a little bit, quietly breathing against you, and leaning into your touch.

“Does that help?” You asked softly. He nodded. You were able to coax him into a few sips of Gatorade after that which helped to keep him hydrated. He was drenched in sweat.

“Turn that off,” he whispered. You were confused for a moment, but then you realized he was talking about the tv. You barely had the sound on at all. You clicked the mute button and then turned it off entirely because you didn’t want to exacerbate his pain in any way. He looked up at you, his hair plastered to his forehead with sweat. You could feel the dampness of his skin through the light black tee shirt he was wearing. “M’hot,” he whispered.

“Hold your arms up,” you told him softly. He did as you asked, and you peeled the soaked tee from his body. You could feel the way his muscles were spasming against you, his soft cries tearing at your heart. “I know Rafa, I know it hurts,” you whispered. He was quiet until his head went to your wrist, his whole body going completely tense. “What’s wrong?”

“No, no, no,” he whispered desperately. His fingers were digging into your arm so hard you thought it might bruise. “Y/N,” his voice wavered, tears distorting the familiar timbre.

“I’m right here, what’s wrong honey?” you assured him.

“Someone is here,” his voice was panicked, his eyes wide and glancing from your face to the corner.

“It’s just you and me, there’s no one here,” you promised, but he started shaking his head,

“No, no, there’s someone here,” he insisted, scrambling up to cower behind the couch. You got up, cautiously approaching him. He was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, whimpering and rocking. His incoherent murmuring sounded vaguely psychotic until you managed to make out his pleas. “Please, don’t hurt me, please,” he starting desperately whispering in garbled Spanish and English.

“Raf, it’s me, there’s no one here. It’s just you and me. Do you want me to check?” You asked softly. He let out a broken noise, nodding. You turned on one soft light, going over to the corner and showing him, “There’s no one in here Rafael, it’s just us. I promise,”

“I can’t breathe, I want to believe you, but I-I know I saw something. I saw something. It’s after me,” he was desperate, trying to get you to believe him. You wanted to make him feel better, but you weren’t sure how to convince him that everything was alright. Dr. Huang told you he might be paranoid, but this was terrifying. Seeing him so broken killed you inside.

“Shh, shhh, I know,” you whispered, “I’ll keep you safe, now come on, try to sleep,” Rafael finally shakily got up, following you to his bed. You patted the blanket beside you, and he crawled on, leaning into your arms. He cried, his face resting against you, gripping onto you tightly. “I’ve got you, baby, I’m right here. Close your eyes, I won’t let anything hurt you,” He shut his eyes, but his shaking hadn’t subsided.

“Y/N everything is moving, I’m dizzy, I can’t breathe, I need some Xanax, please,” he started to beg, “Please, I’m gonna die without it, please, I need you, I need help,”

“You don’t need it, this will all stop soon,” you promised him, but you weren’t sure how long it would last. Liv was supposed to come in the morning, and you could hardly wait because this was so hard for you. How were you supposed to be strong? He was so desperate, begging and pleading with you.

“I just need a little bit; I don’t need much. I can stop after this, please. I need more, please. I can’t—I can’t do this,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry Rafa, I’m sorry, but I can’t,” you finally murmured. He finally, finally passed out after a bit, softly snoring. You knew he might not sleep again after this, so you didn’t dare move, instead cradling him and chasing away bad dreams. You rocked him when he started to thrash around from a nightmare, and he settled. He slept until morning, but you were wide awake. You were terrified of what he might do if he woke up alone. You sat there, watching him sleep and wondering how he was ever going to be okay after everything. You kissed his forehead. Your phone started ringing around seven, so you eased out from under him going to the kitchen where it would be quiet. “Hello?” You asked softly.

“How is he?” It was Liv’s voice.

“He’s holding up, barely. Asleep right now. When are you coming over?” You asked tiredly, starting to pace, “I can’t do this alone, he’s hurting so badly,”

“I’ll be over in an hour. I’m gonna bring Noah, and he can stay with Gabriella and Ella or one of us,” she said. You breathed a sigh of a relief, “Have you slept at all?”

“No,” you whispered, “I’ve been up with him all night,”

“Okay, I’ll be there soon, you can sleep for a bit. I will stay with him,” she said. You were so grateful for all the support. You weren’t sure what you would do without Liv and Sonny and Dr. Huang and your sister. Amanda had dropped by with dinner for you more than once since everything happened, and occasionally Rafael would talk with her. They had been friends, sort of like you and Sonny. Liv was his best friend, but Amanda was someone he could and would talk to here or there. You went back into the room, sitting on the edge of the bed, lightly scratching his back. He shifted slightly at one point, but he was thankfully getting some sleep while he still could. If this was only day one, you were terrified to see what was yet to come. He was suffering, panicking and already pleading with you to end it, but you couldn’t do a thing. Knowing that this pain was going to be good for him, in the long run, did nothing to ease the deep sadness you felt when he cried and hid and screamed, begging for your help. You curled up beside him, slowly drifting off and succumbing to the exhaustion.

…………………

“Y/N, hon,” a soft voice pulled you from your slumber. You blinked, your vision clearing gradually until you saw Liv. Rafael was still smooshed up into a little ball beside you, but his hands had shifted to cover his head. You hadn’t realized he was even capable of making himself that small. His legs were bent in a way that had to be uncomfortable, and his body was shaking, but thankfully he still seemed to be asleep. You rubbed your eyes, standing up carefully and following her out of the room. “I’ll stay with him for a bit, and you do whatever it is you need to do: sleep, take a shower, go shopping,” You nodded, heading toward the living room after hugging her. You took a seat on the couch, rubbing a tired hand over your face, wanting nothing more than to sleep, but there was no food in the house. You stood after only a few moments respite, grabbing your wallet and walking down to the Bodega down the street. Having had no time to even really write a list, you thought about what was in the house, eventually giving up. You could come back another time if you needed. Rafael would need some Advil, and if he had an upset stomach, soup might be helpful. You got some Sprite and juice, a loaf of bread, eggs. You also needed diapers and some rash cream for Gabriella.

You were a mess, a confused, mess. Your brain felt fuzzy and muddled with worry. All you could think about was helping Rafael, but you couldn’t do anything. You were so weak, especially compared to him. You were supposed to be the one that held him up and together, to be the one who wasn’t falling apart. Rafael was attacked, he was the one who had every right to be melting down, but you should’ve been better. You should’ve been able to figure all of it out, to handle everything for him. “Hey Y/N,” You turned around, trying to pull yourself together as you wiped your eyes. You wouldn’t cry in the goddamned grocery store. You were surprised by the sight of Sonny.

“Sonny, what are you doing here?” you asked softly. He smiled slightly, patting your shoulder before taking the basket of groceries from your arms.

“I actually needed to talk to you about Rafael’s case, but I also thought you might be able to use some company,” he told you, “Is this all you’re getting? Come on, get Rafael some of that gourmet coffee or something for after this is all over. He’d love that,” That was a good idea. You were not thinking straight at all. You were shaking, and all you wanted to do is go home and have everything be normal again. You could curl up on the couch with Rafael, or lay on the ground while he played with her. He was already so good with the baby, making her smile with goofy little faces and tickling her belly. He would feed her and rock her, carefully taking care of her and doing anything and everything to make her happy. You were honestly slightly scared to see her grow up because she would have him wrapped around her pinkie immediately. You had the feeling that you would be fighting both of them to get her to listen because Rafael was going to spoil her rotten. He was going to give her everything, and you were okay with that.

“What did you want to talk about?” you asked softly, picking out two bags of coffee that you knew he would like. Sonny sighed softly.

“We need a lineup from Rafael,” he said softly. You brought a hand up to your face, finally losing it. You started to sob in the middle of the Bodega, and you weren’t sure if you’d be able to stop. It just wasn’t fair. He was going to get through this withdrawal only to be forced to face down the person who had caused his anguish, and then he would have to go through a lengthy trial and have all of it thrown in his face. People were already talking. The media release had been a sensation, and the media had been scrambling to try and get ahold of Rafael. While his name had been omitted from the statement that only explained an ADA was sexually assaulted in the hospital by a nurse, the reporters had been quick to connect the dots of the shooting and trace it back around to Rafael. You hadn’t hidden any of the newspapers from him or lied to him, but you didn’t mention anything unless he asked. It wasn’t worth upsetting him more. Sonny rubbed your back until you finally calmed down.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” you said softly, “I just, I can’t watch him suffer like this. It’s going to make it so much worse for him,”

“No apologizing to me, not for this,” Sonny replied, “Now come on, let me buy your groceries, and I’ll take you out to lunch,”

“No, no, thanks, but I want to be there if Rafael needs me,” you explained. He assured you that he understood and convinced you to let him pay for the groceries which you appreciated more than you could say. He carried the bags to your apartment, helping you put them away. You didn’t hear any noise coming from the bedroom, so you laid down afterward, and Brady curled up next to you. He was a comfort to you, and you buried your face in his fur, crying softly. He licked your cheek. You finally fell apart, after crying yourself out.

……………………………………..

You woke up to screaming. You immediately were up, knowing it was Rafael. You went into the bedroom to find him on the bed, writhing around and screaming bloody murder. You sat on the bed beside him, shoot a look at Liv. She looked startled, but she was kneeling beside him, trying to talk him down. “No!” he screamed, “No, I won’t let you do that to me again!”

“Rafael,” you said softly, touching his shoulders, “You’re safe, you’re safe baby,”

“Get off me, don’t touch me!” he shouted, ripping away so hard, he almost fell on the ground. He started panicking and mumbling in Spanish, and you didn’t know what to do to help.

“Rafael, listen to me. You’re in our bedroom, it’s Y/N, I’m right here,” you said softly, removing your hands from his shoulders. You whispered a few more things to him before he finally stopped, breathing heavily, but snapping out of it. He looked up at you with tears in his eyes, after collapsing down dazedly for ten minutes.

“Where the fuck did you go?” his voice was tear-filled and accusatory, “You promised me, you promised me you would be here. I needed you,”

“Okay, alright honey. I’m sorry, I’m here now. I’m right here. I was at the store,” you whispered soothingly. He grabbed you, dragging you closer and holding on for dear life. You stroked a hand through his hair as he sobbed. Liv took his free hand, stroking his arm gently, and he laid there just crying for almost a half hour as you and Liv attempted to calm him down. He was laying silently in the fetal position after that, not moving, not speaking. He just shook uncontrollably. You rubbed his shoulders, whispering in his ear. Liv brought him a glass of water, but you couldn’t get him to look at you, much less sit up. You kissed his head, running your fingers through his hair for a few moments, “Rafael, if you can sit up for me, I’m going to get you some yogurt and some medicine. Then we can do whatever you want while you feel good,” you whispered. He nodded, sniffling. You and Liv had to help him sit up and lean against the headboard. He was drenched in sweat again. It would be great if you could get him in the shower, but you didn’t want to push him in any direction because he only had so much time where he would feel better. You wanted him to do whatever would make him happy. You had to spoon some of the yogurt into his mouth because his hands were shaking, and after, he leaned into your hand as you stroked his jaw. He swallowed his pills, Advil, Xanax, and Zoloft, tilting his head back and letting out a tortured noise.

“M’so dizzy,” he mumbled, closing his eyes. You rubbed a hand over his chest, careful to avoid his incision. He had been shifty about it, but it didn’t escape you that he would come out of his room in a tee shirt when a year ago, he would be bare-chested. He didn’t like changing in front of you, and he would try to hide himself when he could. You didn’t push. At the moment, everything was like walking on eggshells. You had no idea what might set him off or upset him, so you were careful to try and avoid anything that could possibly cause a problem. You started to stand up to get a washcloth you could run over his forehead, but he weakly reached for you, “Y/N,” he murmured.

“I’m going to be right back Rafa, I was just going to get something to cool you down a little,” you promised, but he wouldn’t let go,

“Please, just stay,” he begged, so you climbed back on the bed with him. Liv nodded when you shot her a glance disappearing out to find the washcloths. Rafael leaned against you, “M’sorry I got mad,” he whispered, tears beginning to pour down his cheeks, “I’m so scared, and-and everything hurts, and I need you,”

“I’m here now,” you promised, “And I don’t want to hear another apology out of your mouth,” He nodded, shutting his eyes. Liv helped you to try and cool down his warm face until he finally was relaxed. You let him convince you to take him out to the couch where he propped himself up with pillows and asked for Gabriella. You brought her to him, and he held her, tears in his eyes as he looked down, entranced by her little face as she smiled. She waved her arms around, sucking on her pacifier and peering around the room curiously. He tickled her feet and her belly, laughing when she giggled and squirmed. You could watch him like that any day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just watched Find Me Guilty, really odd movie, but it was worth the few minutes we got of Raúl lmao. If you guys haven’t seen his Broadway chatterbox interviews, you HAVE to watch them. They are magnificent. There are boots floating around on tumblr. 
> 
> Also RAÚL HAS HIS OWN NEW SHOW!!! He’s starring in NBC’s Suspicion with Derek Luke. This is HUGE and I can’t wait.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s chapter 25...Jesus....I’m exhausted so I hope this is still good. I think I lost my train of thought mid sentence like 25 times at least while finishing this. I’m also really sick rn...so sorry if it sucks. Let me know what you think and I hope you guys like it. I’m still unsure of when chapters will be done this week, hopefully tomorrow, but no promises.

  
He was holding Gabriella, Noah sitting next to him on the couch when Dr. Huang arrived. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a quarter zip, smiling as you let him in the door. “Hey Y/N,” his voice was soft as ever, “How is he doing?”

“He’s okay right now; it’s been rough though. He had some Xanax about an hour ago,” you explained. He nodded, coming further inside. He saw Rafael sitting on the couch,

“Hey,” he said kindly, with a smile, and Rafael smiled back. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired,” he admitted, “I didn’t sleep that well last night,”

“He didn’t pass out until four in the morning, and he woke up around nine or ten,” you explained. He had Gabriella leaning against him as he watched tv, and Noah was talking his ear off, but he didn’t seem to mind. He had been reluctant at first when Noah wanted to hang out with him, but he had eventually given in. You had a feeling he just didn’t want Noah to see him falling apart.

“You should try and eat something, even if it’s small,” Dr. Huang suggested, so you went to get Rafael some toast. He picked at it, rocking his body ever so slightly as Gabriella’s eyes began to flutter shut. Her hands were clenched up into little fists; her head lolled back as she sucked her pacifier. She was still small and underweight, but she was quickly catching up. You were relieved that she had managed to avoid any serious complications. It had been a few days of oxygen and a feeding tube to supplement what she wasn’t ready to eat otherwise. She was small, and the doctor had told you to keep an eye out for colds or coughs as her lungs could have issues further down the road, but overall you were fortunate. Rafael had a protective hand resting on her belly, and her head was leaning against his abdomen, legs stretched out over his lap. He grudgingly finished the toast, gulping down two bottles worth of water. The nausea seemed to be plaguing him almost constantly.

“Uncle Rafa,” Noah said, looking up at him. Rafael turned to the young boy, a smile on his face, “Do you feel better?”

“A little Noah, here, get a book. I’ll read you a story,” he said, shifting around so he could lean into the couch more. You smiled softly as he sat on the couch, softly reading a children’s book to Gabriella who was on his lap and Noah who was leaning into his side. You managed to drag him away into the shower once Gabriella was fully asleep and Noah had zonked out on the couch. Rafael was starting to feel sluggish and dizzy again as he undressed. “I don’t feel so well Y/N,” he whispered. You rubbed his back over the tee shirt he was still wearing as he stumbled over to the toilet, throwing up repeatedly. You soothed your fingers through his locks, trying to comfort him as he gagged and retched. He spit a few times, leaning back against the cool tile feverishly.

“Honey, come on,” you whispered, pulling at his shirt. He pushed himself forward as you pulled it off of him. He half-heartedly tried to cover his chest up with his arm, but you were more worried about getting him up to his feet. He leaned against you on the way into the shower. You were worried he might fall, so you climbed in to help. You were gentle, massaging shampoo into his hair while he rubbed body wash onto his skin. You made quick work of it, getting him dressed in a new pair of grey boxer briefs and a holey old Harvard tee that had seen much better days. You helped him back to the bedroom after he brushed his teeth. He laid down, his arm flung over his face. “Raf, what’s wrong?” you asked softly.

“My head,” he whispered, shifting onto his side, grabbing a pillow and squeezing it to himself. You turned the lights down, nudging his hand away and feeling his forehead. He was burning up. His eyes fluttered shut as you stroked your hand across his chest in soothing circles. “Mmph,” he mumbled, “I see two of you,” he let out a soft laugh.

“I’ll get you a drink, do you want some water or sprite?” you asked softly. He shut his eyes blearily for a moment, before forcing out an answer,

“Sprite,” he whispered. You got him a glass of the cool liquid, sitting beside him on the bed. George brought in a cool washcloth, handing it to you to run across his forehead as he groaned in pain. “Ah, fuck,” he hissed, his voice starting to raise until he was practically screaming in pain. You held his hand, trying not to cry.

“I know it hurts Rafael, but try and breathe, try to relax your muscles,” Dr. Huang said calmly. Rafael gritted his teeth, squeezing so hard your knuckles were aching. He was cramping up, his muscles aching and contracting severely until he couldn’t take it. He would get brief respites, his body lying limp on the bed, chest heaving with pained breaths. When it started again, he groped around until he was gripping onto Dr. Huang with his other hand.

“Make it stop, please, just knock me out or something. I can’t--” he choked on a sob, starting to cough and sputter as he cried. You were very briefly concerned that he was going to turn blue until he finally managed to suck in some oxygen. The muscle pain didn’t stop for hours, and he was reduced to soft tortured moans, his jaw slack with exhaustion. You wiped the drool from his face before running the damp cloth across his glistening brow once more. His eyes opened slightly, focusing on you for the first time in a while, “Y/N?” he croaked.

“Right here baby,” you assured him.

“Can I have some of that Sprite now?” he whispered, managing a little teasing smirk for you. You laughed softly, nodding as George helped you prop him up. You held the glass to his lips, tipping it gently so he could drink some of the soda. Dr. Huang sat on the edge of the bed, gently reaching to touch Rafael, but pausing before he made any contact,

“I’m just going to take your pulse Rafael, is that okay?” George said gently, and Rafael nodded. He pressed two fingers under Rafael’s jaw, feeling the rapid thumping of his heartbeat. He made a face like he was thinking and your stomach dropped. He didn’t look overly worried though. “Rafael, how does your chest feel?”

“My heart is racing,” he whispered breathlessly, “It feels like it’s fluttering. I-It hurts,”

“Just try to take a few deep breaths and calm down. How’s your head feeling?” the doctor said, feeling Rafael’s forehead with the back of his hand.

“It feels like someone is taking a jackhammer to my head,” he whispered, curling up against your side. He was hiding his face in your shirt, his breathing tickling your skin. He laid still for awhile, and you almost thought he was asleep until he started inching away from you, burying his face in a pillow and writhing around. You ran a hand gently over his back, but he started to squirm away. “Stop,” he hissed hoarsely, “Please don’t,” You shot a glance at Dr. Huang, unsure if Rafael was talking to you or dreaming.

“Rafael, are you with us?” George asked softly, but Rafael didn’t answer. He started to curl up, almost growling if someone touched him.

“Stop,” he said, his voice weaker this time. You had no idea what was going on in his head, but he was starting to freak out. He thrashed around on the bed, screaming at some invisible force to get off him and not to touch him. You leaned down by his head, narrowly avoiding taking a swinging fist to the jaw.

“Rafa, he’s not here. You’re okay. He’s dead,” you whispered. Rafael let out a panicked plea, half Spanish, half English. He began to buck around, like a bull trying to throw off its rider, screaming and clutching his head. Dr. Huang looked at you for a moment before kneeling down beside the bed.

“Rafael, you’re safe right now, no one is trying to hurt you,” he whispered, but Rafael wasn’t listening at all. He finally went deathly still, his hands clenched around a pillow, knuckles as white as your sheets. He was weeping, but not moving otherwise, and you felt sick to your stomach. “He’s in a blind panic. I don’t think he can even hear us,”

“Th-That hurts, please stop it,” he begged weakly. He started squirming again, his voice slightly high pitched and childish. “No, no, please don’t, no quise, lo siento,” He rolled over on his back, his eyes glazed over and unfocused. His body was as tense as you’d ever seen it. He got this funny look on his face before mumbling something under his breath. His eyes grew wide, “No, no, I’ll be good, I promise,” he sobbed, “Please don’t tell mami, please, I’ll be good,” You were seething with anger, your blood boiling. You wanted to step out of the room and collapse down to the floor, but Rafael needed you at the moment. He went quiet for a few moments until his eyes focused on you for just a second, “Y/N,” he groaned weakly, “He’s here, he’s here,”

“No, he isn’t Rafael. It’s just you, me and Dr. Huang right now,” you whispered, brushing some damp hair away from his forehead. He shook his head, spasming.

“I think he’s hallucinating,” Dr. Huang said softly, reaching out to feel his head, “His fever is really high. I’m going to get my bag from my car. I want to take his vitals,” You nodded, stroking a hand through Rafael’s hair as he laid there, whimpering. He was clinging to you, his face pressed against the warm skin of your stomach.

“He’s going to….Y/N, please help me,” he begged. You rubbed his back.

“I won’t let him Rafi, it’s okay,” you murmured, trying to figure out some way to help him. He calmed down slightly until Dr. Huang returned.

“Rafael, I’m just going to take your temperature,” he said gently, and you were thankful when he pulled out a thermometer that would just graze his forehead. He was at 102. He flinched when the cold stethoscope slid up under his shirt, “Sorry,” the doctor said gently. He pulled out a penlight, letting Rafael know he was going to shine it in his eyes, but the moment Dr. Huang put his hand on Rafael’s face, he flipped out. He shoved Dr. Huang off of him, scrambling off the bed and tripping on a blanket. He wiped out hard on the floor, screaming and sobbing. “Shit, he’s having some sort of flashback, be careful,” George said as he gingerly stood up and held his hands out as he took a step toward Rafael. Your finacé immediately hurled the first thing he could grab in Dr. Huang’s direction, trying to crawl away.

“Raf,” you whispered, “Honey, it’s alright,”

“Get the fuck away from me,” he exploded, throwing something in your direction this time. You took a careful step, trying to calm him down.

“Y/N, don’t touch him,” Dr. Huang’s command arrived far too late. Rafael started screaming again and lashing out before he began banging his head on the floor. “He’s going to hurt himself, get Liv,” He rushed over, wrestling with Rafael as he gently tried to restrain him. You found Liv in the kitchen, and she followed you to the room, following Huang’s instructions carefully. “Pick up his feet on three. One, two, three,” They lifted him up, and he yelled louder, twisting and thrashing in their arms, trying to escape. He was in an absolute panic, his eyes blown wider than you’d ever seen. You wanted to assure him it was okay and that they weren’t going to hurt him, but he was lost. He thought they were going to rape him.

“Please, please, I’ll do anything, please don’t,” he begged, still struggling with all his might. It was futile, he was weakened greatly by everything, and now you were concerned he was going to injure his chest. “I can’t breathe,” his words made your fears even worse. His arms were flailing, the bright red ribbons on his forearms strikingly startling on his pale flesh. He must have been scratching at his arms at some point to try and quell his anxiety.

“Rafael,” you tried gently, “Baby, it’s okay. You’re okay,” He wasn’t listening though, and he kept struggling. Dr. Huang looked torn but finally made a decision.

“I don’t want to hurt him more. Get my bag,” he said softly. You got the little black bag, bringing it over and briefly switching places with the doctor. He pulled out a syringe, “Hold him still,” You did your best, and he pressed it into Rafael’s thigh. It took a few minutes, but he finally went limp. “It was just a light sedative,” he told you. He carefully checked Rafael out, bandaging up the bleeding on his head and then getting him laid down in bed on his side. You sat with him all night, refusing to leave. As the sun came up, you realized something terrifying. It was only day three. 


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so short and I kinda hate it *hides* I’m hoping the next chapter isn’t so bad....I think I’m gonna take tomorrow night off to try and get you a more quality chapter. Idk I’m so crazy busy, I’m having a hard time staying on task and keeping my focus on what I want to talk about. I want to think out the next plot points and get a solid plan going. I hope this isn’t too bad...

  
When he finally opened his eyes, he groaned loudly, hand coming up to grope at the back of his head. “Unhhh,” he shut his eyes, rolling over and pulling the blanket over his head.

“Rafael,” you whispered gently, stroking his arm. He didn’t respond. “Raf, honey,”

“Y/N,” he whispered, his voice sounding odd, like his tongue was so thick he couldn’t talk. “I don’t feel so well,” You tried to pull the blanket off his head, but he had a tight grip.

“What’s wrong?” you asked gently.

“My head. Where am I?” he groaned. You finally managed to pull the blanket away, and his pupils were huge, his eyes looking a little glossy. He rolled onto his side, throwing up everywhere.

“Okay, take a breath, I’m gonna get Dr. Huang. It’s okay Rafael, it’s all going to be fine,” You whispered, stroking his hair as he cried. You quickly slipped out of the room, finding him in the living room where he had camped out in case you needed help. He came with you, bringing his penlight. He shined it in Rafael’s eyes, looking up at you concerned.

“Tell Liv to get the car, we need to get him to the hospital right now,” he said softly. Rafael couldn’t walk to the car on his own, so Dr. Huang supported him on the way. You held his head in your lap in the back seat. When you got to the ER, Dr. Huang and Liv practically carried him inside while you ran up to the front desk.

“My fiancé needs help,” You said,

“What’s wrong with him ma’am?” The woman asked.

“Can you please just get Dr. Shepherd down here, I need to see him,” You didn’t want to mess around with any of this. Rafael needed help right now. You peeked over you shoulder to see him slumped on Dr. Huang who was rubbing circles on his back and whispering to him.

“Ma’am just tell me what’s wrong,” she repeated.

“Get Dr. Shepherd, he’ll know exactly what’s wrong,” you said again, “Look at him, he needs Dr. Shepherd this instant,”

“Y/N?” The man in question poked his head out of an office,

“Oh my God, Dr. Shepherd, Rafael hit his head again. He needs help,” You said. His eyes went wide.

“Get a stretcher, I want CT prepped, is he still breathing?” He turned to you, and it felt like your heart had stopped. You couldn’t speak. He rushed over to Rafael’s side, easing him onto a stretcher and talking fast with Dr. Huang.

“He’s sluggish, his pupils weren’t reacting. I checked him four times during the night, but he was doing alright. He threw up earlier,” he told Dr. Shepherd, “He’s breathing fine though thankfully,”

“Alright, hopefully he just made the concussion a little worse, not—”

“I know. He smacked his head off the ground maybe two or three times before I grabbed him and restrained him, but he was panicking so he was moving around a lot. I tried to stabilize his head,” You felt like you couldn’t breathe as they rushed him off to CT. This was all your fault. You were the one who touched him when George said not to. You collapsed into a chair, crying hysterically. Liv was trying to calm you down, but you were terrified. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. He was probably petrified if his brains weren’t scrambled eggs. You started laughing. Despite knowing it was a completely inappropriate reaction, it was sort of cathartic. You could barely breathe. Liv was looking at you strangely, but you couldn’t stop.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you said, still laughing, “I can’t stop,”

“Just breathe, he’s going to be alright. I’m sure he’ll pull through this,” Liv told you. You wanted to believe her, but it was just thing after thing and how were you supposed to be okay? Was Rafael ever going to be the same? It was maybe a half hour before Dr. Huang appeared. You tried to read his facial expression, and the soft smile he shot at you did help some.

“He’s fine, I’ll let Dr. Shepherd explain it to you. We can take him home in about an hour,” he told you. You let out the breath you didn’t realize you were holding as you followed him to his room. Rafael was sleeping when you got there, and you sat beside him, grabbing his hand and kissing it. Dr. Huang waited outside the room to give you some space.

“Hey Y/N,” that was Dr. Shepherd’s voice coming from the door, “His CTs came back completely clear, it was a false alarm. He’s probably going to be in a lot of pain for the next few days. I haven’t been able to talk to him because he’s been asleep, so I’m not entirely sure what the state of his concussion is, but he’s alright. I sewed up the gash on his head, and we bandaged it for him,”

“Oh thank God,” you whispered, “Thank you,” You sat with Rafael until he was allowed to leave. Dr. Huang talked to you on the car ride home while Rafael slept, leaning on you.

“He had some Xanax while he was at the hospital, so he’ll probably sleep for awhile. I’m gonna stay again today and hopefully he’ll be up to talk at some point,” he told you. You ran your fingers through Rafael’s hair, leaning your face down against his head, shutting your eyes and holding him tight. You were just thanking the stars that you still had him, that he was still alive. You practically watched him until he woke up, making sure he was still breathing. It was terrifying to be faced with possibly losing the man who meant the most to you. He was your sun, you revolved around him because without him, you’d be nothing. You’d be cold and dark and empty inside. He lit up your darkness, and maybe he didn’t know how vital he was to your life, but you were planning to spend the rest of your life convincing him of it. He finally woke up, gasping softly before you turned down the light.

“What happened?” he whispered, “Everything is spinning,”

“You hit your head again, you’re okay though,” you told him softly, “How do you feel?”

“Tired, but okay,” he replied, smiling at you, “Thank you for taking care of me through all this. I don’t know what I’d do without you,”

“No problem Rafa,” you murmured, kissing his forehead, “I love you more than you realize,” You wanted to get him in a tux and be married already. It had been way too long, but life kept getting in the way, and in a way, you had been happy with a long engagement because the two of you had still been so early in your relationship when he proposed. At this point though, you were ready to call him yours. You wanted to see a silver band around his finger that announced to the world that Rafael Barba belonged to you. He may not see the appeal of himself, but you had no doubts that many women had their eyes on your man. He shifted over so he could lay in your arms, breathing softly and holding your hand,  
“Why is everything so fucked up?” he asked softly, picking at a loose string in the comforter.

“I don’t know Rafa, I wish more than anything that I could take this away from you,” you whispered. He pressed his face against the swell of your breasts, resting his head on your chest. You rubbed his back, enjoying the warm weight of him in your arms. He was so cuddly recently, needing your reassurance and love. You definitely weren’t complaining. He was your best friend, the one you told everything to, but your relationship felt different now. It felt changed despite your best efforts. You only hoped that it was a change for the better. You felt closer to him, more intimate in some ways, but at the same time you felt inadequate. You weren’t strong like him, and he deserved better.

“I wish I didn’t need you so badly. It’s not fair to you,” he muttered, but you were quick to reassure him.

“I don’t mind at all. I need you too Rafael. It’s alright to not be okay,” you whispered, tightening your hold. He reached his hands under your shirt, hands resting on your stomach,

“Can we--do that thing?” he asked shyly. You had no idea what he was talking about.

“What thing?” you asked with a laugh. He blushed, pulling away slightly. You thought he was upset at first, but then he reached down, grabbing at his shirt and pulling it up.

“Uh, when you held me, but uh you took your shirt off,” he said softly, setting the shirt beside him.

“Oh, yeah of course,” you replied, slipping out of your own shirt. Rafael immediately leaned down against you again, sighing softly at the skin on skin contact. He was clutching at your sides, clinging to you and shutting his eyes. You could feel the wetness of his tears dripping onto your skin. His skin was warm as always, his body shaking just slightly. “How do you feel?”

“My head hurts,” he sniffled, “And uh, it feels like my fingers are numb,”

“Do you want some advil or something to eat?” you asked softly,

“Actually, can Gabriella come in here with us?” his words were muffled against your skin. You didn’t see why not. You texted Ella, who brought the baby in just a few moments later. You laid her down against your chest, and Rafael put a hand on her back, looking lovingly at her. His head was almost leaned against hers, and you couldn’t help but smile. He kissed her forehead, scratching her back gently before turning his head to press a kiss against your skin. “She’s so beautiful. I can’t believe she’s ours,”  
“She looks like you,” you said with a laugh.

“I disagree, she might have my eyes, but she reminds me of you,” he argued. He smiled a bit sadly, “I promise I’m not usually like this,” he was talking to Gabriella now, “I’m not usually this broken. I’m going to be there for you, and hopefully, you won’t remember any of this,” You wanted to tell him how wrong he was, but you didn’t have the words. You just held him, running your fingers through his hair, careful to avoid the bandages. 


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay....I finally feel back on track with this. It might take me another night or two before a chapters up. I’m currently swamped with school work. We’ll see. Let me know what you guys think and thanks so much for all the support!

  
Rafael sat on the floor, stacking blocks in front of Gabriella. She was on her stomach, sucking away at her pacifier and watching him intently. He smiled at her and she tried to copy his facial expressions with little success. Rafael enjoyed when she would grip onto his hand, squeezing so tight. He scooted closer, picking her up and laying on his back, her resting on his chest. He watched the tv, kissing her head and relaxing. Dr. Huang said he should be mostly through the withdrawal sickness at this point, but he was still feeling awful about three hours past a dose. He would throw up constantly or his muscles would seize up so much, it felt like he couldn’t move. He was so grateful for you. You sat with him through all the pain, reminding him it would all be over soon, and he was strong. He wasn’t sure how much he believed the last part, but it made him feel better when he was a whimpering ball of exploding nerves. His anxiety was running rampant, especially at night. Flickering shadows were enough to send him spiraling into a panic attack, and phantom sounds of the night would startle him awake. You held him and checked the closet like you would with a five year old. You turned lights on and sang to him, and then he would wake up and take his medicine and feel so silly.

He turned his attention back to Gabriella with a sigh. He lightly grazed her cheek with his finger, and she turned her head, mouth latching onto the digit. He laughed softly, wrapping both his arms around her and enjoying the time had with his daughter. She made everything feel better. Her small eyes were full of love when she looked at him, unconditional love. She loved him. You loved him. He had no idea what he had done to deserve you two, but he knew he never wanted to let either of you go. You made impossible situations feel insignificant and alright. You made him feel human.

“Rafa, are you dressed?” your voice caused a spike of anxiety to run through him for two reasons. First, you startled him which was a problem for him a lot. He didn’t like being caught off guard or feeling unsure and nervous. It reminded him too much of….He slowly sat up, and then you were in the living room looking at him, “Babe, we need to leave soon,” Ah. Reason number two. He stood up, handing you Gabriella before trudging off to your room where he pulled on a nice pair of new jeans that fit him well, but even his new small pairs needed a belt to keep them up. He struggled into a button down and then a vest. His dress shoes were the last thing he put on, tying them before coming to find you. His hair was styled and he had dabbed some cologne on his neck. He was nervous, really, really nervous. His anxiety was constricting his throat as he walked out to where you were. He took Gabriella from your arms, wanting to change her and get her dressed in something cozy. Setting her down in her crib, he picked out one of his favorite onsies that said ‘I am legally authorized to be this Adorable!’ across the front. The detectives had given them a lot of silly legal themed onsies at the baby shower, and he thought they were hilarious. He swaddled her in a blanket, carefully bringing her back to you. You pulled her hair up into a tiny ponytail and got her strapped in her carseat. You carried the carseat out, getting it strapped in Ella’s car while he sat up front, shaking. He was trembling and nervously trying to straighten his collar. You climbed in the driver’s seat, putting a comforting hand on his thigh. “Try and breathe,” you whispered to him as you started the trip. He was practically hyperventilating by the time you parked, clinging to your hand on the way in. You kept a warm hand on his lower back, as you steered him through the halls. He seemed like a zombie, shell shocked and unsure of where he was headed. He sat in Liv’s office while he waited, his head in his hands. Liv sat with him, rubbing his back gently. You weren’t supposed to be with him during this, but afterward, you were going to hold him and remind him that he was okay. Sonny was fawning over Gabriella, holding her and rocking her. You just hoped this wouldn’t make everything worse.

………………………………………………………………

Rafael stood up with Liv’s help, taking a few shaky steps into the room. The glass window seemed huge, but he averted his eyes from it. Her hand on his back was comforting. He grabbed the ledge, steadying himself. “Whenever you’re ready Rafael, just take a look through the glass and let us know if you see the person who assaulted you. Okay?” Liv’s voice sounded muffled, but it managed to pierce the fog of his brain. His head was starting to ache, his stomach turning with nausea. He didn’t want to look.

“Liv,” he whispered, his voice breaking, “I-I’m nervous, I feel like I’m going to be sick,”

“Breathe, it’s okay. You’re safe in here. Just take a look,” she encouraged, “She can’t hurt you in here,” He sniffled, wiping at his eyes before looking up. He felt disoriented at first, glancing through the glass and trying to clear his vision so he focus on faces. His stomach was twisting and turning, his skin covered with a sheen of sweat. His heart was beating out of his chest, pain blossoming right in the middle of his chest. He looked at the first suspect, studying her face. He knew immediately it wasn’t her. His gaze flickered from suspect to suspect before he saw her. His blood ran cold, and suddenly he doubled over, losing his lunch in a nearby trash can. Liv ran a hand down his back, “Did you recognize anyone?”

“Number six,” he breathed, clinging to the plastic, and trying to catch his breath. He felt tears pricking his eyes. He wanted you. He lurched forward again, bile rising in his throat. “Fuck,” he whispered. Liv rubbed small circles over his back, talking to him soothingly.

“Rafa, where did you recognize number six from?” Liv prodded.

“She--oh God--she,” he paused, the tears dripping from his face, “She r-raped me,”

“Alright, come on, let’s get you to the bathroom. You think you can walk?” Liv whispered, gently helping him up. He nodded, holding her hand as he walked forward. He felt dizzy and empty inside. Terrifying images of her on top of him, of her slapping him, that tight, hot pleasure that was being forced on him. He didn’t want it, but she did it anyways. He felt ragged and in a daze as Liv gently led him toward the men’s room. You were suddenly by his side, holding his other hand.

“You okay?” you asked gently. He shook his head, thankful when he made it in the bathroom where he could have some privacy. He splashed his face with some water, spitting into the sink to try and get that taste out of his mouth. He felt ill and faint. He tried to grip the sink, but his fingers were still tingling, so he couldn’t even hold on very tight. A knock on the door made him jump, interrupting the silence that existed beyond he panted breathing. “Raf, do you need some help?”

“I’ll be out in a minute,” he called hoarsely, walking around with his hands intertwined on top of his head as he tried to catch his breath. He was looking into the mirror again when it happened. It felt like an electrical shock ran down his body, everything trembling uncontrollably. It started behind his eyes and traveled down his spine. He felt adrenaline pumping through his body, his mouth going dry, muscles tensing,  
heart rate speeding up. He felt like he was having a seizure, but he was conscious the whole time. “Fuck,” he whispered, collapsing to his knees. “Y/N!” He called in a panic. You were in the bathroom almost immediately,

“What, love?” You asked softly, keeping your voice calm, “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know what just happened,” he whispered, “I started shaking and I-I can’t breathe,” You wrapped an arm around his waist, nudging him to stand up,

“Let’s get you sitting down, and then we’ll figure this out. It’s okay, just take deep breaths,” you murmured. You sat him down beside Sonny’s desk and he wiped at his face, trying to calm down. You pressed a kiss to his forehead, “What happened, try to talk slow,” you whispered.

“I-I was in the bathroom and it felt like-like I got struck with lightning or something. I was shaking and I couldn’t stop and then I was panicking and—I don’t know,” he sobbed, pressing his face into your shoulder. He was still shaking, loud hitching breaths escaping his mouth.

“How was the lineup?” You asked softly, rubbing your hand down his arm.

“She was there,” He whispered, his arms wrapping around you as he clung. You put a hand on the back of his head, minding his injury as you stroked through his hair. Rafael felt his stomach twisting up, making him feel sick. He breathed wetly against your skin, sniffling and feeling your arms around him. He tried to remind himself that he was safe, that he was okay, but all he could think about was his impending humiliation at the trial. He would have to sit on the stand and look at her and tell the whole world.

“Stop overthinking,” you whispered, “Focus on right now, Rafael, I’m right here, you’re okay,”

“I-I can’t,” he curled in on himself, sniffling and choking on soft cries. You gently touched his shoulders, and then his head, forcing him to look at you. You pressed your lips to his forehead,

“Rafael Barba, look right here at me. It’s okay. You are fine. I know it hurts, but you are alright. I promise,” you whispered.

“I want my Xanax,” he whispered.

“I’m sorry baby, you know you can’t,” you reminded him. He nodded. You knew he just wanted to feel better. He wouldn’t even look at your face now. His eyes were focused on the floor, his hands shaking as he started to withdraw. He ran a nervous hand over his face and through his hair, messing it all up. Liv quietly brought him a glass of water which he started to sip. He began to calm down finally, but then Fin and Sonny came out, escorting his rapist back to the holding cell. You put a hand on Rafael’s shoulder.

“Ohh Rafi, I see you even got her fooled. We both know what happened, and we both know you liked it. You came all over my hand,” she sneered.

“Shut up,” Sonny growled, dragging her away. Rafael held his composure until she was out of sight, and he broke down again.

“Rafael, darling,” you murmured, gathering him up against you, his face leaning against your chest. Rafael’s chest started heaving, hiccups escaping his mouth. Liv came over, rubbing a hand down his shoulder. The both of you tried to calm him down, but he was shutting down. He cried himself out, sitting there blankly afterwards, not speaking, not looking at you. All he did was stare at the wall. Liv had to help you get him home after waiting more than a half hour to see if he’d come out of his daze. Rafael clung to Liv on the way out the door, unsteadily falling against her and stumbling on the way to the car. His head was leaning against the chair, his eyes glazed over as he stared out the window. “Raf,” you tried, wanting to help him, “Raf, baby, I was thinking we might go get Gabriella her first haircut today. Do you want to?” No answer. “Or we could go out for dinner,” Again, nothing. “Or we could have a quiet night at home. I could make you that recipe your mom taught me,” you were desperate for him to answer. You wanted to take care of him. You wanted to make this better. He walked in on his own when you got home, locking himself in the bedroom. You laid on the couch tiredly, worrying about him. You worried he wouldn’t recover. You worried that right now he was spiraling back into the depression that made him abuse prescription drugs. Rafael didn’t disobey the law, not unless it was something drastic. He was in so much pain, hurting so deep, he had no idea how to cope. You wanted to take all that pain. You would go through it again yourself if it meant he would stop suffering.

You fed Gabriella after putting it off as long as you could. You wanted to let Rafael do it; he always asked to do it at night. You rocked her, putting her down for the night and then you warmed something up in the microwave for dinner. You were sitting in the living room, distractedly eating food when he started screaming. You put the tupperware down, rushing to the door. It was locked. Rafael was yelling, and sobbing so loud your heart felt like it had broken in two. “Rafa, open the door baby, please,” you called.

“I can’t,” he called in a panic, “I can’t get up,” he was sobbing. You tried the door knob again.

“Okay, I’m gonna get in and take care of you. It’s going to be okay. Just stay calm honey,” you told him. You hurried to the kitchen, finding a screwdriver. You shined your phone flashlight at the little hole, jimmying the lock as fast as you could. It wasn’t working, but you just kept trying. You wrestled with it for what felt like forever before something finally clicked and you got the door unlocked. You twisted the knob, pushing it open and finding him on his back, trembling and shaking on the bed. His body was convulsing, but he seemed aware of his surroundings. It wasn’t a seizure. You came over to the bed, holding his hand and bringing it up to your lips. “Do you want to try taking a bath? Maybe that will calm you down. I think it’s the stress,” you whispered.

“Okay,” he whispered, his voice cracking.

“I’m going to call Dr. Huang and talk to him, but for now, let’s get you clean,” you murmured. You helped him out of bed, stripping him down and getting him into warm water. He was shivering, leaning his head back against the ceramic. You sat on the edge of the tub, rubbing circles on his skin and down his arm. He let out a broken noise, but didn’t look at you. He leaned his head into your hand when you caressed his cheek. After he was significantly more relaxed, you got him out and dried him off. He slipped into a pair of boxer briefs, letting you lead him to the bed. He slipped under the covers, leaning against the pillow. You started to leave, but his panicked voice called you back,

“Y/N, wait?” his voice was mostly small and soft, but an edge of panic made it sharper than he intended. You turned around, looking at him lying there, all small and broken in his favorite silk sheets. “Stay with me, please?” he whispered. You nodded, crawling into bed with him after shutting off the light. He leaned his head on your shoulder, your arm wrapping around his midsection, resting across the bare skin of his stomach. You kissed his head, holding him as tightly as you could. You promised him everything was going to get better until he was asleep in your arms. 


	28. 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whooopppss. I tried to write this chapter last night after work but I fell asleep in the middle of it and when I woke up, my brain was so fuzzy, it wasn’t worth it. Then I slept through my alarm and woke up five minutes before I needed to leave for work....so really sorry about all the delays. 
> 
> You guys are gonna kill me for this chapter but I promise I’m nearly done with this part. And I swear to god, this is the last big thing from this part. The next part of this series is gonna be lots of fluff and likely very little angst (but I have some other fics completely separate that I’ve been dying to write so it might be a bit) as always i love feedback. Don’t hate me too much.
> 
>  
> 
> Warning wise, there is some self harm in this chapter, so if that makes you uncomfortable or whatever, I wanted to put that out there.

  
Rafael washed his hands carefully. He was shaking a lot. He finished combing his hair before pulling out the shaving cream and his razor, wetting his cheeks and starting to lather it on his skin. He started from his sideburns, dragging the razor down. He worked to shave the scruff that had been accumulating. He let it go too long which made it harder to get it all off. His arms were tiring quickly, and he was nervous which caused him to have shaky hands. He powered on though wanting to look presentable. His mother was coming over to visit. He had been purposefully avoiding her calls, not okay enough to feign normalcy. Hell would freeze over before he told her about his assault. He knew his mother far too well to be stupid enough to tell her about that. She would ask him questions that he wouldn’t be able to answer, how had he let that happen to himself, why was he so weak. She wouldn’t understand. If he told her about this time, how would he continue to hide his childhood demons? Great, now he felt his anxiety going into overdrive. He felt his throat constricting as he continued to shave. He didn’t want to cry. He was sick and tired of crying over this. He smacked his razor down on the counter, trying to pull himself together, but he quickly realized he had very little time to finish. He pushed through the panic, and anxiety until a burst of pain made him hiss and drop his razor in the sink. Great. He had cut himself. He grabbed a towel holding it to the gash. He hadn’t cut himself shaving since he was nineteen years old. He shook his head, pressing harder to get the bleeding to slow. After a few moments, he realized he didn’t feel so panicked anymore. He felt calm. His hands weren’t shaking, he felt like he could breathe again. He swallowed, hard, picking up the razor again and shaving the rest of the scruff from his face. As he walked out to the kitchen, only a pair of boxer briefs pulled on, he contemplated what had just happened. It was….confusing to say the least. He was broken from his thoughts by your voice.

“There you are, handsome,” you said softly, “Aw, did you cut your face?” You asked softly, your thumb just grazing the cut.

“I slipped while shaving,” he explained hastily, wincing as you frowned. Why did he feel the rushed need to explain? He had cut himself by accident shaving. There was nothing to hide or be ashamed of.

“Here,” you whispered, pressing a paper towel to it. He winced, but let you. “Your mom will be here in fifteen minutes, you need to get dressed,”

“She’s seen me in worse,” he said with a soft smile, and you laughed at the joke. He rested his hands on your hips, leaning forward to press his lips to yours. It was a soft, brief kiss, but sweet all the same. You rested your cheek against his shoulder, running your hand over the smooth skin of his back, his arms curling around your waist, face resting against your hair. “Thank you,” he breathed.

“Don’t thank me,” you whispered back, “Just smile,” He smiled for you. On his way to the bedroom, he scooped up Gabriella from her pack and play, cuddling her close to his chest. This little girl was the light of his life.

“Hey cutie, are you ready to see your Abuelita?” he asked softly. He wrapped her up tightly in a blanket before setting her in the middle of the bed between some pillows. He pulled on jeans and a belt, a baby blue button down and a sweater. He was probably going to be cold like always. He picked up Gabriella again, swaying as he carried her toward the kitchen. Whispering softly to her in Spanish, he looked out the window, shifting her around so she could look. Her eyes were wandering, taking in the big, new world. You startled him, a hand on his side.

“You look adorable. Is that a new sweater?” you asked softly.

“No, it was just in the back of my closet,” he said with a laugh. He turned toward you, wrapping an arm around your back. “You go back to work in a week,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” you murmured back, words muffled slightly by his shirt, “You okay?” He shrugged, not looking at your face. He focused his gaze on Gabriella who was starting to doze off.

“I’m not gonna know what to do with myself,” he whispered, but his voice betrayed him. He used to be able to hide his emotions, to be strong, his exterior as hard as steel. Now it was like wet tissue paper.

“You’ll be alright. I’m only a call away anyway, and you get to spend all day with our precious little girl,” you told him softly, trying to provide some comfort and reassurance. He was staring down at Gabriella, his hand running down her back and her head. “You are gonna have such a good time with her, some serious Daddy daughter time. It’ll be fun,”

“Yeah, that part will be great,” he whispered, “But what if I freak out, what if I mess up. I don’t want to hurt her,”

“You won’t hurt her, have some faith in yourself,” you told him, “Now you need to let me go so I can get ready,” He smiled softly, digging his fingers into your side, tickling you. You giggled, squirming and twisting away from him, “Stop it,” you laughed, smacking him lightly in the arm, “Stop that,” He was smiling goofily when you looked up, and it warmed your heart. You wriggled out of his arms, but he didn’t mind. He bounced Gabriella until there was a knock on the door alerting him to his mother’s arrival. He answered, smiling softly and giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek,

“Hi Mami,” he murmured.

“Rafi, darling, how do you feel?” she asked, likely noticing the dark bags under his eyes and his unhealthily skinny body.

“Okay, how are you?” he tried to keep his voice even, to not seem overwhelmed or like he was hiding something.

“I’d be better if you’d return my calls more often. I’ve been waiting to see this little munchkin for weeks. Come on, come to abuelita,” she said softly. Rafael reluctantly handed her over, wanting to hold onto her himself.

“Hey guys,” you said with a smile, appearing from the back of the house. You looked gorgeous, dressed in a sweater and leggings. He loved when you would let your hair hang loose, the natural curl coming through. You hadn’t bothered with contacts, your glasses adding even more charm. He loved you so much, wishing that he could show you that everyday. He had no idea how to even start expressing his gratitude and adoration. “Hungry?” he laughed a bit wryly.

“Sure,” he whispered. He helped you carry the pans to the table, taking a seat afterward and forcing a smile onto his face. You watched him carefully throughout dinner with his careful answers and his excuse to remove himself from the room.

………………………………

Rafael laid in bed, head leaning against the smooth sheets. It felt like his newly clean skin was sticking to the smooth silk. This was so awkward. He felt uncomfortable and anxious, but Dr. Huang wanted him to try. He was supposed to ease into it, but it had been so long since he even had the urge to do anything. He let out a loud breath, easing his hand under the elastic waistband of his boxers. At first, he just let his hand wander, feeling skin and barely touching. He was trying to relax himself, to slowly work his way toward his goal. The moonlight shone through his window, illuminating his chest with soft light. He felt his hips jerk forward involuntarily as he brushed a sensitive spot. He finally bit the bullet, wrapping his fingers around himself and lightly tugging to try and get himself hard. He wasn’t sure why he suddenly felt so weird about jerking off. He hadn’t been so secretive about since he was thirteen and trying to keep his mouth shut in the dark of his room. It was too dry and he wasn’t really stiffening. He felt an icy panic starting to consume him, what if he was permanently damaged from all this. He frustratedly hit the bed, trying to relax. He was too tense, too worked up. Licking his palm, he wrapped his now slick hand back around himself and started to firmly pump until he finally felt himself starting to pulse and get hard. It usually took him ten or fifteen minutes if he was in a good mood, but he felt tense and anxious. The pleasure that usually accompanied the act was missing. It physically felt good, but he felt sick to his stomach, his head spinning with bad memories. If he couldn’t even relax by himself, how was he supposed to ever have sex with you again?

He stopped. There was no point in making himself upset. Dr. Huang had told him to take it slow, but now he was stuck with a boner. He pulled his underwear up, peeking out the door to see the coast was clear. When he saw no one, he hurried to the bathroom, turning on the shower. The cold water helped him to clear his head. Why couldn’t he just feel normal? He was supposed to be feeling better, but instead he just hated himself more and more every passing day. He hated his inability to cope, how needy he suddenly was, how often he broke down. He hated not being okay. Knocking on the door startled him. “Rafi, are you okay in there?” it was your voice, “You took a shower earlier,”

“I know, I just wanted another one,” he called back. He was going to spare you the details.

“Okay, well when you’re done, come find me,” he sighed softly. You probably wanted to go out somewhere. He just wanted to shut himself in the bedroom. He gulped, washing himself, trying to relax. Finally he got out, drying off and redressing himself. He felt nervous suddenly. What did you want to do? He certainly didn’t want to do anything, but he didn’t want to disappoint you. He was shaking again and mentally berating himself. Why couldn’t he give you this one thing? You had been caring for him for over a month, tending to his every need and whim. You held him through anxiety attacks, rocked him through nightmares. You took care of him every moment of everyday, giving your all to the relationship. He was so busy trying desperately to hold himself together that he hadn’t given a thing in return. He felt so overwhelmed, his head spinning with all the negative thoughts. Curling up on the floor, he started to rock himself, one hand resting threaded through his hair, the other on his forehead. This was where he belonged, on the floor, like the worm that he was. All the horrible things he had ever done were starting to bubble up to the forefront of his mind. He squeezed his eyes closed as he thought about things he said to his mother, about relationships where he let people walk all over him and abuse him, about being right on the edge of being an alcoholic, slowly descending toward the thing he feared the most, about walking away from you when you told him you were pregnant and then again after the miscarriage. How did you put up with him? He was selfish and needy and always managed to fuck something up. It was a wonder you ever started dating him in the first place, or at least stayed with him well past when his shine had worn off. He could probably name every nasty hurtful thing he ever flung your way, and not because there were a small amount, it was sizable, but because when it was dark and all he had were his own thoughts, he would run over them over and over again, hating himself.

Not anymore. He was done being such an awful fiancé. He stood up, going to the sink. He nervously eyed his razor that was still sitting where he’d left it. He wasn’t going to use that. He dug through the closet, finding a new blade and messing with it until he finally cracked the plastic, pulling free one of the blades. He was chasing the feeling from earlier, the calm, the release from the raging emotions inside him that demanded to be felt. The first drag of the sharp object across his smooth skin stung. He watched as the warm blood began to well up to the surface, spilling over his skin and staining it crimson. His hands were shaking so badly, but his mind was slowly calming, his emotions shrinking down small enough that he could stuff them into the little box where they didn’t hurt. It was like a relief, the release of feeling. He carefully washed the blade off, pressing a towel to his arm to try and stop the bleeding. He cleaned up, hiding his dirty secret away and slipping into a long sleeve and some jeans before going to find you.

……………………………………………

He kept his eyes locked on the floor. “Rafael, are you feeling alright?” Dr. Huang’s voice was gently, not accusatory, but Rafael felt flushed with shame. He wasn’t alright at all. He felt like surely the doctor had to know, he had to see through him. “Rafael,”

“I-I don’t feel alright. At all,” he finally whispered. “I thought you said I was going to feel better,” Everything inside him felt shattered. He had been having a hard couple of days, feeling ashamed of his weakness. It was deep, burning, terrifying shame. If anyone found out, it felt like his life was going to shatter. He hated himself for getting addicted to his pills, for restorting to….he felt sick to his stomach when he tried to face it in the cold light of day. He knew it was unhealthy, but he couldn’t bear to tell you he had failed yet again. To make you worry for him. To put you through that again. He was such a loser, constantly screwing everything up. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get a grip on himself. It was ridiculous. He was a grown man, he should be able to be an adult, to not let his emotions rule him. His anxiety was debilitating, and he had almost forgotten how bad it could get before all of this. It had been so long since he had completely lost it like this. College had been a nightmare. It was a miracle he had kept his grades up, spending almost every free moment curled up into a shaking, hyperventilating ball in his dorm room. His roommate had been an absolute saint, putting up with his turbulent moods and anxiety. He was able to throw himself into his work and ignore it at times, but it had always been a twinge in the back of his head.

“You need to talk about it Rafael, to talk to me about how you’re feeling. The Zoloft is different than Xanax, it will take a while to build up in your bloodstream to the point where you’ll be feel good from that. This will get better, but you need to work with me,” George explained softly. Rafael didn’t want to wait longer, he didn’t want to feel like this. He hated spending days at time, holed up in the bedroom, not playing with Gabriella or spending time with you. He was absent, and he didn’t want to be. He yanked at his sleeves nervously, pulling the oversized sweater further down his arms before crossing them over his chest almost defensively. He didn’t know what to say.

“Can we stop for today? I feel overwhelmed,” he finally admitted. Dr. Huang nodded, giving him a soft smile,

“I’ll come back tomorrow, okay?” He gently patted Rafael’s shoulder, leaving the room. Rafael hung his head, tears clouding his vision. 


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No chapter tomorrow or Tuesday. I’ll try to have one Wednesday. I hope you guys like this one, there’s a little bit of Rafi Gabriella time and there’s some Noah stuff too! :)

  
Rafael was sitting on the floor. He felt ridiculous, but exercising alone sounded a lot worse. Gabriella was leaning against his bent legs, sucking contentedly on her pacifier as he held her up. He took a breath before curling his torso up toward her. There was some physical discomfort, but his body had been healing more and more recently. It was so much better that Dr. Shepherd and Dr. Yang had cleared him to work harder provided it didn’t bother his head. It had been you and Dr. Huang who had suggested exercising with the baby. It made it more enjoyable for him, and it provided an incentive to actually do the workouts as well. Anytime he got to spend with Gabriella was time he was glad to have. He stroked her back as he rested, hugging her to him and shutting his eyes. He needed her so badly, her love made him feel better. “I promise I’m gonna get better,” he whispered, “I’ll be here for you always,” She made a little noise that forced a laugh from his lips. “You hungry baby girl? Come on, I’ll get your bottle,” He swayed with her in his arms as he warmed up the milk. He pulled down his sleeve almost as soon as it started riding up. The angry red marks on his wrists and forearms were ugly and he didn’t want to see them. In fact, even just the thought of them made him burn with an intense hatred for himself. “You are beautiful,” he whispered to Gabriella, hoping and praying that she never would have to feel this way. “I’ll tell you that everyday,”

He sat on the couch, turning on the tv as white noise as he fed her. He was exhausted. His nightmares had been worse that past few days, and his mental state during the day was stressing him out more and more. He was going to be alone with Gabriella starting next week, and it was terrifying to say the least. Entrusting him fully with her was not a good idea in his opinion, but he didn’t want her to have to go to daycare or leave her with someone else. He wanted to be able to take care of his daughter. Maybe...maybe his mother could help, but he didn’t want to admit to her what was going on with him.

“Rafa,” your voice startled him. He looked up as you entered the room. You had a towel in your hands, a blood stained towel. He suddenly felt like he couldn’t breathe. “What happened?” you asked softly. He forced himself to breathe, grasping at an excuse, at something that would explain it away.

“I cut my face shaving, remember?” he finally said softly. You frowned slightly, coming closer to him.

“You bled that much?” you asked, your finger brushing over the still healing scab. He nodded softly, hoping that you’d believe him.

“Facial injuries tend to bleed,” he added, his mouth feeling dry. You seemed slightly skeptical, but you didn’t press him about it.

“What are you watching?” you asked softly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“Love it or List it,” he whispered, blushing. He didn’t like dramatic tv anymore. He just needed something mindless to take his thoughts somewhere lighter because he couldn’t handle the dark anymore. How was he ever going to go back to work? How would he look everyone in the face when they all knew about his vulnerability. It hadn’t escaped him that his name was all throughout the papers, and the phone was constantly ringing. He made the mistake of picking up one day, a reporter asking him questions that made his head spin. He spent the rest of that day, laying in bed and staring at the wall. He did that a lot now. The wall was somehow enough to dull the sharp sting that accompanied his panic. He hated how much it hurt to think about any of it. His childhood memories caused him to feel a dark, terrifying emptiness. A useless, disgusting, and degrading image of himself. Why hadn’t he told anyone. He had countless opportunities to end it, but he never was brave enough. He let it continue to happen when all it would have taken was one conversation with anyone. With a teacher, with an adult he knew. He could have done so many things differently. The gun shot made him jittery and panicky around people. He hadn’t done a thing to deserve that, but out of nowhere, he had been almost murdered. It was just his luck. He could still smell the burning flesh, feel the intense pain, the lightheaded knowledge that he was bleeding out on the floor of his office. He terror that he would miss the birth of his daughter. Then the hospital. He felt so out of control and dizzy when he thought of that. It had all happened so quickly, one moment he was talking with his nurse, the next she was assaulting him and touching him in ways that were so wrong. He had asked her to stop, begged even, but to no avail.

“Rafael,” he jerked slightly at the sound of your voice,

“Sorry,” he whispered, but you just smiled.

“I’m going to finish the laundry and then make you lunch okay?” you asked softly. He nodded, gulping. Everytime he looked at you, his chest swelled with adoration. He was reminded that he didn’t deserve you one bit. You were taking such good care of him, doing everything around the house and with the baby, and soon you’d be going back to work. He was doing nothing, but sitting in bed all day or lounging in his boxers feeling sorry for himself. He didn’t understand why you bothered. What did you even see in him? He wasn’t sure what made you even say yes when he asked you out in the first place, you could have done so much better. He wasn’t sure what you were making him to eat, but he knew he probably wouldn’t even finish half of it. You knew it too, but everyday you would try to make something to give him some incentive to eat. You changed it up as much as you could making him anything from old childhood favorites to something new you found online. If he mentioned anything in passing, you would go to the store to get ingredients. It was touching to say the least. He hadn’t been out with Liv or Noah in forever, mostly because he couldn’t bear to face them. He wanted to be a good role model for Noah, to show the young boy even a fraction of the love he felt when he was around the five year old, and when he was this sick, this broken, he knew he was incapable of it.

It was incredibly embarrassing to be seen at such a low point by someone like Liv. He knew she was the last person who would ever judge him, but she was so strong. He admired her so much, and their friendship was something he treasured. He didn’t want her to see him this way either. Dr. Huang was coming almost daily to talk with him, but he was being less than receptive. Rafael couldn’t help it. He wasn’t purposefully being difficult, but he couldn’t talk about it. It just hurt too much. He felt bad, like he was wasting the doctor’s time. George had been so kind to him so far, helping him in anyway he could think of, but it wasn’t enough. Rafael couldn’t open up to him. He didn’t want anyone else to know.

“Here, I thought we might try some grilled cheese and homemade soup,” you said gently. Rafael handed Gabriella over to you, starting to pick at the sandwich you made him. You even bothered to go to the store and pick up some of his favorite cheese. He felt a lump in his throat, a slight stinging sensation as he swallowed. He swiped at the tears, “Why are you crying?”

“Thank you,” he whispered, “You make me feel so loved. Why do you bother Y/N?”

“You know this Rafael, I bother because I love you more than anything,” you whispered to him, “You are worth it. You are strong and handsome and I love you. You will not convince me otherwise no matter how persuasive you think you are,” He sniffed, laughing despite himself. Maybe things would get better. He could only hope.

………………………………………..

Rafael pulled on the sleeves of his shirt. They were way too short. He could see a few jagged line poking out. His clothes were small, trying to avoid the bagginess making him look ridiculous, but the sleeves were all the sudden too short for his arms. He hadn’t been so scrawny since before he was in college. He pulled at it one more time before giving up and digging a jacket out of his closet. He slipped it on, quickly tying his shoes and waiting in the living room for his ride. Gabriella was currently with his mother, and despite his hesitancy to leave her with someone else, you had insisted that he needed a break. He didn’t agree one bit. He wasn’t even doing that much as it was, focusing most of his energy on not breaking down or freaking out. You did all the work, and then the one time he had insisted you go out and do something with someone, you didn’t even want to let him take care of the baby for you. You had an old college friend in town, and while usually you would both go to dinner, Rafael wanted you to have some time off. He felt like he was taking over every aspect of both of your lives and he didn’t like that feeling. He hated feeling like a burden. So he had talked you into it. It was only one afternoon anyways. He sighed softly. It was fine though. His mother would enjoy taking care of her, and despite his intense anxiety at not being with her every moment, he did believe she would be alright. A knock on the door banished his thoughts away. He checked out the peephole even though he was expecting company.

“Hey,” Liv said with a smile, and Rafael graced her with a weak curl of his lips. He made sure to lock the door on his way out. “Noah is really excited you’re coming, and I was thinking maybe next week you might want to come with us to the aquarium. You and Y/N and Gabriella could come. It would be fun,”

“I’ll run it by Y/N,” he whispered. He tried to smile and be excited, but he just couldn’t feel happy. As they arrived at the baseball field, he began to perk up a little bit. He was genuinely excited to watch Noah’s Little League game. When Liv had called, asking him if he was interested, he was glad to be able to say yes. Noah had been insistent that Rafael come, and the last thing he wanted was to disappoint someone who still thought he was worth their time. So there he was, sitting out in the sun for the first time, grateful that it was still sort of warm. He watched as little kids stepped up to the plate, swinging heavy bats that looked to big for them, running in torn up, hand-me-down shoes, and screaming and whooping with glee. He wished he could have felt that happy as a child. His Little League experiences had been far less than optimal, and he had quickly realized maybe he was better suited for school. He remembered one game that was so bad, a teammate had punched him in the face afterwards. It hadn’t made sense to him why his father was so upset when he showed up at home with a black eye. He had briefly hoped that it was some sort of real concern for him, but that didn’t make any sense. Rafael had worse bruises hiding under his clothes that were straight from the man himself. Noah’s first turn batting was filled with cheers from Rafael and from Liv, and he looked over and grinned at them from first base. Rafael waved, his mood drastically improving as he watched Noah succeed and make mistakes. He was always smiling and Rafael envied that. He envied the little boy’s ability to feel carefree and joy. After the game, Noah came running over, catapulting himself into Rafael’s arms. He wrapped the little boy up in a tight hug, doting praises on him. “You were so good Noah, I’m so proud of you for having fun out there,” Noah grinned back at him,

“Uncle Rafa,” he whispered in a mischievous tone that made Liv’s eyebrows shoot up, “Can we get ice cream,” Rafael laughed, smiling and shoot a glance Liv’s way to get her approval before granting the request. They went to a little place he liked in midtown, and he spent his afternoon conversing with Liv and Noah about meaningless subjects. He felt so good, he forgot about the scarring gashes on his wrists until he took his jacket off at home in the privacy of his room. He studied the red lines with his eyes, hating the weakness that was now displayed on his skin for all to see. He couldn’t help himself though. He needed something when his anxiety got bad, and it just happened to be working for him. He knew he should stop, that it was unhealthy, and he wanted to, but everything just hurt so badly all the time. He wasn’t ready to walk without a crutch. He just hoped it would stay invisible to everyone else while he worked up the strength to be independant once more. 


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much work and I’ve been so sick recently. Hopefully I can keep getting chapters up regularly, but we’ll see. I’m hoping to wrap this up soon anyways. Let me know what you think about this chapter and enjoy! :)

Rafael fidgeted in his seat, playing with the napkin. He took a sip of his water, looking back down at the menu, and trying to force his body to relax. He could feel the sweat breaking out on his forehead, his chest aching with anxiety, his throat constricting, hands shaking. His heart felt like it was beating over a hundred miles per hour. He pulled out his phone, checking the time. Where was she? He didn’t want to be out in public more than he had to. He nervously started playing with the sleeve of his shirt. Despite the two fresh red lines across his forearm, he still felt an intense want to go in the bathroom and do three more. He shook his head at himself, taking a sip of water. The ones that were higher on his wrist were starting to heal enough that they didn’t stand out as much. He tiredly rubbed his face, wishing things could go back to the way they were before. “Rafi, darling, sorry I’m a couple minutes late. I got caught in traffic,” He sighed in relief, standing up and hugging his mother before pressing a kiss to her cheek. “How are you?”

“Okay,” He whispered, sitting back down. “How’s work been?” He was still fiddling with the napkin, and he could feel her gaze on him.

“Oh you know how it is. Are you feeling alright? You look a little clammy,” she said gently. Rafael fidgeted under her stare, trying not to break apart.

“I’m alright,” he whispered, managing to keep an even voice, but he wouldn’t meet her eyes. The waiter saved him from further conversation. “Coffee,” he said softly, “Just coffee,”

“You aren’t hungry Raf?” Now she really sounded concerned. “Are you guys tight on money with all the medical stuff? I’ll buy you lunch,”

“We’re fine Mom, insurance covered a lot of it,” he murmured, sighing and not looking up, “I’m just not hungry,” She was looking at his skeptically,

“How’s Gabriella then?” She finally asked softly.

“She’s good, getting bigger everyday. Y/N is going back to work tomorrow. I’m still on extended leave, so I’m gonna be taking care of her,” he said softly. Gabriella was safe. That was something he could talk about. “She just started picking her head up on her own not that long ago, she’s starting to figure out how to use her hands and she makes the funniest little noises,”

“Well if you need any help, be sure to give me a call,” she offered gently. The waiter brought her salad and Rafael’s coffee to which he added more sugar and cream than what could possibly be considered healthy.

“Thanks,” he said softly, “But you have to work,”

“I’ll always be here to help Rafael, you know that,” she argued. He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the warm mug in his hands. “Mijo, look up here, what’s wrong? Usually I can’t get you to be quiet long enough to get a word in,”

“Haven’t you read a newspaper!?” He didn’t mean for it to come out so harshly, and there were tears in his eyes.

“Rafi, what--you know I don’t read the paper, what’s going on?” He let out a shaking sob in place of an answer, a hand over his mouth. He couldn’t breathe. Then suddenly there were arms around his shoulders and he could press his face against someone and hide his tears. A hand running through his hair was comforting. He let go. He let himself sob uncontrollably, “Oh Rafael, honey,”

“Mami,” he whispered brokenly, breaking down in her arms. He was so tired of trying to be okay. He was tired of holding himself together with tape and glue. He was just tired.

“Shh, darling, it’s okay, let it out,” she whispered, “I’m right here with you,” He held on tight, letting her rock him through his gut wrenching cries until he was sniffling mess, hiccuping and shaking. “Here, let me wipe your face,” she took a napkin, mopping up tears from his cheeks. He felt his face reddening, how had he just let himself lose it in a restaurant? He buried his face in his hands, taking a shuddering breath and trying to calm down. He felt this itch to go somewhere private and find something sharp and….no. He couldn’t let this control him. He didn’t want to cry anymore, but his Mom was still hugging him, and he felt this intense need to just sob more. It felt like he shouldn’t have any tears left, but he was on the brink of falling apart. His mother hadn’t held him like this since he was five years old and scraped up his knees while running outside with Eddie and Alex. Everyone was having to calm him down recently, and he hated himself for it. He hated being the reason you worried. Rafael let out another little hiccuping gasp, his shoulders hunching as he sucked in a hitching breath. He felt sick to his stomach, like he was going to throw up everywhere.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” he said softly, standing up and swiping at his cheeks. He didn’t even turn to see her reaction. He couldn’t bear to see the evident concern in her eyes. When he had closed himself in a stall, he let a few more silent tears fall before he took a deep breath and scrambled to pull himself together. He needed to be okay. He needed to stop letting this consume his life. He went to the sink and yanked up his sleeve, digging in his pocket for the blade he had carefully wrapped up and tucked in there. He was very careful, making a shallow, small cut, high on his arm. He rinsed it off, holding a paper towel to it for a few minutes before he felt much calmer. He splashed his face with water, shakily heading out to sit down again. Somehow the throbbing pain was keeping him sane. He pulled his chair out, sitting down and taking a gulp of his coffee. He could feel his mother’s eyes on him,

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong now, or are you going to sit there and pretend that never happened?” she asked pointedly. Rafael clenched his teeth.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he finally whispered. He quietly finished his coffee, thankful that she let him escape the conversation and started talking to him and filling the silence. He felt emotionally exhausted.

“Raf,” her voice startled him.

“Yeah?” He whispered, running a nervous hand through his hair.

“Whenever you’re ready to talk about this, I’m here to listen sweetheart. I’ll always be here for you,” she said gently, reaching out to cover his hand. He nodded, averting his eyes. He doubted he would ever really be ready to tell her about his assault.

“Thanks Mom,” he said softly. He was glad when he could escape back home. You were in the living room, feeding Gabriella when he came in. He hung his jacket in the closet, self consciously tugging on his shirt.

“Hey baby, come here, Gabriella wants to see her Daddy,” you said softly. You patted the couch beside you, but he needed a minute to collect himself.

“I’ll be right back,” he whispered, walking briskly back toward the bathroom. He locked the door, pulling up his sleeve again and internally fighting with himself. He shouldn’t do anymore. He was hurting himself. It was unhealthy. He mentally rattled off the list he made for himself, trying to remember all the reasons why he shouldn’t. He forced himself to stare at the red, angry lines etched into his skin, darkening as they neared his elbow. The ones down by his wrist were pale, almost completely healed, while the newer cuts still oozed blood. He pulled up his other sleeve, looking at the smooth, unmarked skin. He took a deep breath, digging his nails into his hand, trying to calm down. He couldn’t help it. He pulled out his blade, dragging the sharp metal across his wrist, slowly and carefully, watching as blood bubbled up in a line, spilling onto his quivering arm. It was like a release, like all his emotions weren’t so bottled up inside. He reveled in the high for a second before starting a second one parallel to the first. Half way through a knock on the door caused him to jerk, cutting deeper than he meant to. He hissed, biting his tongue to keep from screaming.

“Rafael, are you alright? Do you need some help?” you jiggled the door knob, and he took a few more breaths to calm himself.

“I’m fine, I’ll be out in a few minutes,” he called, his voice sounding vaguely panicked and shaky.

“You don’t sound fine,” you said softly,

“I’m fine damn it,” he yelled. Then it was just silence and he felt bad. He quickly set down the razor blade, grabbed a towel shoving it against the wound that was gushing blood so fast he was terrified. His hands were shaking and he felt nauseous, the coppery, metallic smell making him lightheaded. “Fuck,” he whispered. Feeling like he was going to pass out, he scrambled for a few towels, laying down on the floor and elevating his arm. He didn’t want to fall and hit his head. He could feel the sweat popping out on his brow, his face feeling warm. “God damn,” He just laid flat on his back until it stopped bleeding. The towel was soaked through to the other side, a smear of crimson across the ceramic of the tub. He still felt sick, his stomach churning. He didn’t even want to look at the damage, knowing it was going to scar. The rest of the cuts would likely fade over time. He sucked in a deep breath, slowly getting up off the floor. His legs felt like jelly as he cleaned up, bandaging his arm and slipping his sleeves back down. He managed to sneak into the laundry room, treating the towels with soap and starting a load. He felt guilt eating away at him. After everything you were doing for him, he yelled at you. He went into the living room where you were sitting. He felt skittish and nervous, standing there unsurely. You patted the cushion, so he sat down beside you.

“Come here,” you said softly, and he moved closer, leaning against you. You still had the baby in your arms, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he whispered, “Here, I can take her,” You handed her off to him, and he started to rock her. You pulled him into your arms, stroking his hair and his back.

“What’s on your shirt?” you asked softly, touching a dark spot that was definitely blood.

“Oh, uh, I must have spilled something,” he replied. His voice was quiet. He rearranged himself so he could lean into your arms and still rest Gabriella on his chest, “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” he whispered after awhile.

“I know, it’s fine Raf,” you assured him, but he turned his head to look at you.

“It’s not fine. You don’t deserve that at all,” he said softly. He shut his eyes after that,

“How’s your mom?” You asked, rubbing your hand across his chest and abdomen. He let out a noncommittal grunt, his large hand resting on Gabriella’s back. “Did you have a good time?”

“Not really,” he whispered, “I just, I can’t tell her okay,”

“I know Raf, it’s okay. Wait until you’re comfortable,” you assured him, gently combing your fingers through his hair and across his scalp. He was sighing softly and contentedly, snuggling up against you. “Do you want to watch something or just sleep?”

“You can turn on something, but I might fall asleep,” he whispered.

“Anything you want to watch?” you prodded, trying to get something for him to enjoy. You wanted him to have a good night, to feel better. He needed something normal. You just stroked his hair until he answered drowsily.

“Put on football,” he whispered. He rarely had time to enjoy sports, but he did enjoy football on the occasion that he had a lazy Sunday. You clicked on one of the games, shifting him up into your arms more and holding him tight. He pressed his head against your shirt, feeling the soft fabric on his cheek. “I love you, thank you,” he murmured. You nodded, trying not to cry. Everything was so hard for him right now. He was struggling so much, and you wanted so desperately to help him.

“Of course baby,” you said back. You rubbed his shoulders, “Raf, Dr. Huang is coming again tomorrow,”

“Oh.” his short, clipped answer concerned you.

“Rafael, you should talk to him honestly. You know that’s important right?” you said gently.

“How about you try this and then let me know,” he snapped. He didn’t move though. You went quiet, just holding him and trying not to take his words personally. He was in so much pain, he didn’t mean them, and you knew that, but it still hurt all the same. “I’m sorry. You must hate me. I’m being so difficult,” his voice was so soft when it pierced the silence.

“Rafael, no, I don’t hate you. I understand,” you promised, “Darling, I need you to listen to me. You’re okay sweetheart. You are allowed to be angry, and I love you, and I know you are having a hard time right now. If you need to scream at me to feel better, I want you to do it. I can take it,” You could feel the tears dripping down his face, soaking into your shirt. He was quiet, laying limp against you. He was exhausted, and soon enough he passed out. You eased out from under him, putting Gabriella to bed before nudging Rafael farther on the couch and covering him with a blanket. You held his head in your lap, stroking his hair and holding him. 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DON’T OVERREACT lmao. I’m still following the plan I’ve been describing and I promise it’s gonna be okay. I have some emotional but good things coming up for Rafael, so bear with me. :)

He was in a fog, fuzziness occupying his attention. He felt exhausted, but his body was almost thrumming with anxiety since your alarm had sounded out in the room. At some point last night, you had escorted him to your bed and he asked you to stay, and when the beeping echoed into the warm, dark bedroom, he had woken up. His fear and adrenaline was affecting his ability to fall back asleep. As you came back in the room, he sat up slightly, the sheets bunching up at his waist. You smiled, coming over to the bed, and threading your fingers through his hair and pressing a kiss to his temple. “Hey handsome,” You said softly. He leaned into your touch. “I left you a schedule for Gabriella, and an alarm is set to wake you up in an hour or two,” you whispered. He sighed softly, still breathing deeply as he continued to wake up. “Are you okay?” You asked softly, scratching your fingers through the hair behind his ear. It felt good but it made him feel vaguely like a lap dog. He leaned his face against your hand,

“Not really,” He whispered. You frowned slightly, feeling his forehead before wrapping him up in a hug,

“I know this is hard, but you can do this. I know you can,” you told him softly, “Don’t forget to take your Zoloft. Call me if you need anything, okay?” He didn’t let go of you. You tried to extract yourself from his arms, but he had a tight grip.

“Don’t go,” He whispered, tears starting to drip down his cheeks. He hated himself for them. You needed to go to work and he knew that, but he needed you so badly. How was he supposed to be home all day and take care of Gabriella on his own. He was going to mess everything up, and he would never forgive himself if something happened to her.

“Rafa,” you whispered, “It’s going to be okay. You’re gonna be amazing. I promise. I promise you. I’ll be home by five okay? I’ll bring dinner,” You brushed a few tears away with your thumb, “I’m gonna kiss you,” you waited for him to give you a little nod before leaning in and brushing his lips, fingers still sifting through his hair. “I love you. I’ll be home later,” He nodded, tears still fresh in his eyes. He let you go, watching your retreating form as you left. He laid back down, trying to go back to sleep, as he couldn’t just nap if he felt overwhelmed anymore. He was in and out until the alarm went off, and he dragged himself from the bed, wiping his face as he headed to the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee, looking over your note. He took a few sips before going to get Gabriella up. She was quietly lying awake in her crib, sucking on her hand. He smiled, reaching in and picking her up.

“Hey sweetheart,” he whispered, and she let out a little cooing noise, spreading drool all over the sweatshirt he was wearing. She was starting to support her own head more and more, peering up at him instead of resting her head on his shoulder. “Let’s go get you something to eat,” He warmed up a bottle, swaying back and forth as he waited. Once it was warm, he went back to the living room, sitting on the couch and leaning her into the crook of his elbow as he fed her. She sucked on the bottle, growing drowsy as she often did during feedings. Sometimes it was difficult to get her to really eat because she would lull herself to sleep. She perked up again after a short time, finishing her bottle. He burped her before getting her set up, laying on the boppy pillow on the floor. She liked laying on it and chewing on her toy keys. He read a book for a while, keeping an eye on Gabriella or playing with her and trying to make her laugh. His stomach was starting to growl and he didn’t want to disturb Gabriella who was asleep. He warmed up leftovers, and it only took a few minutes. He laughed when he walked back in the living room and Brady was curled up against her side, her arm resting across his back. He took a picture, texting it to you. He knew you were probably missing Gabriella and worrying about him. In fact, he dialed your number, waiting as it rang.

“Hello, you’ve reached Ms. Y/L/N’s office, this is Jerome speaking,” your assistant’s voice sounded through the phone.

“Jerome, hey, you think you could put Y/N on the phone for me?” Rafael asked softly with a smile. He liked Jerome. He always took good care of you, working hard and helping in any way he could.

“Mr. Barba, is that you? How are you feeling?” Jerome asked excitedly. Rafael sighed, shifting around uncomfortably.

“I’m doing alright. No idea when I’ll be back to work,” he said softly.

“Well uh, I hope you’re back soon. My mom wanted to make you guys a casserole, but I didn’t want to intrude,” he said. Rafael laughed a little, “Here, I’ll get her,” There was some static and muffled noises before your voice filtered through the speaker,

“Raf, hey, what’s wrong?” you asked, sounding vaguely panicked.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he assured you softly, “I just wanted to call and tell you I love you,” There was a soft silence on the other side of the phone,

“Are you okay?” you asked, still sounding unsure.

“I’m fine, I promise. I just thought you might be missing Gabriella. Did you get the picture I sent?” he said softly. He was watching her sleep as he talked to you. He wished you were home with him.

“Yes, it was so cute,” you sounded happy. He talked to you for a half hour, enjoying the soothing sound of your voice. Everything was going according to plan so far, but he didn’t trust himself in a jam anymore. Before, he was quick on his feet, and he generally trusted his decision making, but not at the moment. “Okay, well I have to go. I love you, and I’ll see you later,”

“Alright,” he said softly, “Love you too, bye,” He picked Gabriella up, laying her on his chest as he went to close his eyes. He was feeling tired, and he figured a short nap wouldn’t hurt. Gabriella shifted around, snuggling up against him and he felt a warm feeling spread throughout his chest. She always managed to brighten his day. He shut his eyes, letting himself relax as the darkness overtook his consciousness.

………………………………

_Laying curled up in his bed, blanket pulled over his head, Rafael shook uncontrollably. He hated the feeling of anything on his skin, but the night air was cold, his room drafty as usual. His clothes were laying in a pile on the floor, goosebumps across his skin. He wasn’t sure how long he had been laying there, his mind preoccupied with the pain that was radiating from….well everywhere. His door creaking open made him feel sick to his stomach. The blanket was peeled back a dark face filling his field of vision. He squeezed his eyes closed, not struggling as he was flipped over. He twisted his hands up in the sheets, trying to brace himself. Hot pain and he was screaming, the noise muffed by a large hand and then the scene morphed._

_On his knees, sweat pouring down his face. The carpet sunk in with his weight, his dress pants surely getting dirty as he kneeled on the floor. There was a searing fear, spreading through him. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, the tightening anxiety of you going into labor making it even harder to breathe. Beads of sweat dripped down his face. Cold metal pointed right at him, a looming figure poised to squeeze the trigger. Where were you? He didn’t want you to walk in on this mess. He had to warn you—BANG—he was on the ground, pain searing through him. Any movement caused a jolt of agony to travel up his spine, every breath caused a tearing, shearing torturous hurt to consume his consciousness. He felt like he was drowning in his own blood. There was a loud noise that he recognized as screaming, but he didn’t realize it was his own voice until you were kneeling over him, trying to calm him down. And then the scene shifted._

_Lying helpless in the little bed, unable to move, unbearably sticky. He felt like the air was choking him panic and hopelessness consuming him. He was sucking in hitching breaths, sniffling and trying to stop sobbing. “I know you like that baby,” her voice sent shivers through him, his arms pinned above him,_

_“Please stop,” he begged._

_“Aww, you don’t want me to stop,” she whispered, stroking his face as she ground down on him. He let out a loud whimper, squirming and trying to get her off. Her hand connected with his cheek, a loud crack sounding out in the room. It made his ears ring, a stinging sensation radiating from his now warm skin. It jerked his head around, making the headache he already had worse. She leaned down, brushing his lips and suddenly he was choking, unable to breathe._

He woke up screaming. He jolted awake, tears already on his cheeks. Gabriella was still asleep on top of him, but her eyes quickly flew open as she sensed her father’s distress. She started crying as he tried to get ahold of himself. His chest was heaving with labored breaths, tears pouring from his eyes. “Shh,” He whispered, starting to rock her. He needed to calm her down, but she was screaming and his head hurt. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay. Please just be quiet,” he was feeling frantic and not himself. He rocked her, and walked her around, but he was still tense and she could tell. She just kept sobbing and sobbing and it was making him feel crazy. He felt like he was going to be sick. He sat down in the rocking chair, moving back and forth, but she still wouldn’t quiet down. He set her in her crib. If he didn’t calm down, then she wouldn’t either. He went into the bathroom, feeling guilt spread throughout him as he dug around for his razor blade. He was such a bad example. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down on his own, but it wasn’t working. Wanting nothing more than to curl up in a little ball on the ground, he started a fresh cut, trying to draw out the one enough to calm down. He felt his body start to relax, his attention drawn to the pain instead of the raging panic inside him. It wasn’t enough though, so he did a second one, cleaning up after ward and returning to his daughter. She was still screaming, but when he picked her up, she calmed down more and more until she was sleeping in his arms. He breathed a sigh of relief, collapsing back down onto the couch and shutting his eyes for just a second. He was exhausted. He laid there for a long time, trying to stay relaxed and feel okay again. It had only been like a half hour, but he had felt good. Now he felt empty inside again. He was disgusted with himself. He spent most of the afternoon trying to get over it, but he was struggling. He played with Gabriella and did an easy work out, but his mood was ruined. He felt so exhausted and tired of all the pain. He didn’t want to feel like that anymore. By four thirty, he was counting down the minutes until you got home and he could curl up in your arms and cry for a while. He just wanted you to hold him and tell him everything would be okay, and even if it was a lie, it would make him feel better for a little while. Five rolled around, and you were nowhere to be found. He sat in the living room like a lost puppy, peeking at the door every few moments. Nothing. Five thirty came and went and still nothing. Not even a text. He was starting to worry. He broke at six, pulling out his phone dialing your number. It went to voicemail. He called again, but there was nothing. Finally, it was seven and the door opened. He was in tears at that point.

“Y/N,” he sobbed, practically running to you. You stumbled slightly, trying to balance the food in your arms and also hug him.   
“Hey, what’s wrong?” you asked gently, shifting things around so you wouldn’t drop them.

“You’re late and you weren’t answering your phone,” he whispered, “And I had a bad dream,” the last part was sort of tacked on the end of the sentence, but it caught the most of your attention.

“A dream? Are you okay?” He nodded, sniffling slightly, but then he shook his head. “Here, sit down. We need to talk after I put this in the kitchen,” He sat nervously on the couch. Gabriella was in her pack and play on the ground, amusing herself with the toy keys. You came in the room, sitting beside him, a hand going to his thigh. He leaned against you.

“What’s going on?” he asked softly.

“I’m sorry I’m late. I got held up in court and my phone died. I’ve got some bad news though,” the look on your face made him feel really apprehensive. He shut his eyes for a second, trying to calm down, to steel himself for this conversation. “I’m not entirely sure how to tell you this,”

“Just say it,” he said softly.

“Raf,” you started, sighing as you ran a hand through his hair, “Jordan Larson, the woman who assaulted you, is claiming that she’s pregnant with your baby,” He stiffened.

“What?” his voice was so dangerously low, his eyes blow wide. He looked visibly ill. “No, no, this is some terrible, horrible bad dream. No,”

“She might be lying, we can compel a paternity test. It’s going to be alright. I promise,” you whispered. He was freaking out though, standing up and going over to the window where he stood silently for a very long time. He stared out it, not moving.

“Why can’t I have anything normal?” he asked softly, “I’m so tired of all this. I want things to go back to the way they were,”

“I know Rafael,” you said gently.

“I need some space,” he whispered, going back to his room and shutting himself in there. You sighed, wishing there was more you could do. 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Probably no chapter tomorrow night. I’m workin on winding this thing down but Rafael still has some important things to do. I’m really excited about these next couple of parts :)

You were about to lay down for bed when your phone dinged. _Can you come in here?_ You frowned, going to the bedroom and opening the door. He was laying in bed, sobbing, and shaking. You could hear his wheezes as he tried to breathe. The tell tale signs of a panic attack were all there. You sat down on the bed carefully, “Hey,” you whispered.

“Please hold me,” he begged, his voice shaking with tears. You obliged, wrapping your arms around his midsection, and pulling him close so his back was flush with your chest. You rubbed little circles across his stomach, hand slipping under his sweatshirt and touching bare skin. He was shaking with sobs every few seconds,

“I’m right here. Talk to me,” You whispered.

“I wanted a baby, but not with her. Now I’m going to have something forever to remind me of this,” he whispered, hiccuping as he spoke. “I can’t get away from her. If I want to be a part of my child’s life, she’ll always be there,”

“Rafael, breathe. We don’t know that it’s true. If it is, we can sue for custody. It’s going to be okay. We will figure this out together,” you promised, kissing his shoulder. “I’m right here,” He managed to stop crying, but his breathing was concerning you. “Take your shirt off,” you whispered, kissing his neck.

“No,” he said back. You were surprised, but you didn’t push him. If he didn’t want to, you weren’t going to make him.

“Okay, well do you want me to stay here or do you want me to go out on the couch. It’s up to you,” you whispered softly. “I can stay for a while and then go. Whatever you need,”

“Stay. All night,” he whispered, “Please. I need you,”

“Okay, I’m not going anywhere then. It’s okay. How was your day with Gabriella?” You asked, trying to distract him.

“Okay, I think I did pretty good. Neither of us died,” he joked. You laughed, kissing his back,

“That’s always a plus. I’m sorry I was late. We had a crazy day at the office,” you told him softly.

“Can I go in and talk to Liv tomorrow? I want to talk to her about this,” he whispered.

“Yeah, of course. You also have an appointment with Dr. Huang tomorrow,” you reminded him. You weren’t sure how to really help him at the moment. He was just so unsure and scared and vulnerable. He nodded softly against your shoulder, leaning his head down and shutting his eyes.

“Thank you. You make me feel better,” he whispered, his hand gripping yours. He was considerably more relaxed than before.

“I love you Rafael. Someday, all of this will be a bad dream. You’ll barely remember any of this,” you promised him. You weren’t sure if that was true, but you were grasping at straws to make him feel better. You needed to hold him and promise him it would be okay. He was shaking slightly, trembling in your arms.

“What will we tell Gabriella?” he whispered. You frowned. What was he even talking about? You spent a few more moments stroking his skin.

“About what?” you finally asked. He sighed, shifting around so he could face you. He looked so worried. You stroked his face, trying to get him to relax. He shut his eyes for a second, tears starting to drip down his cheeks again. He swiped at them with the back of his hand,

“What are we going to tell her if she asks about why I was in the hospital when she was born or why she has a sibling who is barely younger than her. How am I supposed to explain to her that you’re not their mother? How is any of this supposed to be okay?” he whispered. You leaned your head down, forehead resting against his.

“We will cross that bridge another time Rafael. It’s okay. I promise it’s okay. We don’t know if she’s even pregnant for real,” you assured him, hoping your words would help to assuage his fears. “Now come here and try to go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere,” He nodded, closing his eyes and snuggling further into your arms. You held him close, relishing in the privilege of seeing him with messy hair, dressed in a ratty old sweatshirt. He let you in, and that was what you were most grateful for in life.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………

When you woke up to a beeping alarm, you felt disoriented and fuzzy. Rafael stirred slightly beside you, groaning, but planting his face into a pillow and stilling. “Baby,” you whispered, petting his hair and brushing it back from his face as he adorably turned slightly to look at you with one eye. “Are you coming with me?” you asked softly. He blinked, letting out a loud breath. He nodded slightly, but shut his eyes again. You let him sleep for a bit longer, getting dressed and getting your things together. Rafael was still lying in a lump under the covers, not moving beside the soft rise and fall of his chest. You sighed, wanting to just leave him there to sleep. He would be upset though. Maybe you could pick him up at lunch. You were contemplating this as you pulled on a pair of heels, fastening them.

“Just gonna leave without me, huh?” his voice startled you, almost making you fall over. When you looked up, he was smirking from the bed. His hair was all disheveled, still looking all drowsy and soft from sleep. You loved him so much it made you crazy sometimes.

“Baby, you need to get up if you want to come now or we’re going to be late,” you told him, “I can come and get you at lunch if you want,”

“No, I--I’m gonna get up. Just give me a sec,” he said softly. He yawned, rubbing his eyes before dragging himself up to his feet. He quickly dressed, combing product into his hair and making himself look presentable. He insisted on getting Gabriella dressed, coming back out with her in a little tutu. You laughed, watching as he tenderly strapped her into her carseat, and followed you out the door. You made good time to the office, and once you made it through security which was even more irritating since the shooting, you were bombarded by colleagues fawning over Gabriella. But somehow at the same time strangely keeping their distance from Rafael. They weren’t rude or anything, but it was like they didn’t know what to say to him. You were sure he he noticed. He followed you in with a sigh, setting the carseat down for a moment. You tried to not crowd him despite your worries. He smiled at you, picking it back up and continuing on toward your offices. When you got past the big door, Jerome was talking with Carmen by the printer. “You moved the coffee pot,” he said softly. You laughed, but that attracted your assistants’ attention.

“Mr. Barba?” Carmen asked, like she didn’t believe he was really there.

“Hi Carmen, how are you?” he replied softly. There was a slight red tint to his cheeks, like he was feeling self conscious about something. He talked with Carmen and Jerome for a few moments, and the both of them seemed incredibly happy to see him.

“Have you been exercising?” Jerome asked softly, “You look really thin,” You cringed. Rafael made a little face,

“Something like that,” he said softly.

“Alright guys, give him some space,” you said softly, knowing he wouldn’t say it himself. He looked tired already. You guided him into your office, getting him some coffee. He sipped at it, rocking Gabriella’s car seat. “Just give me like a half hour to get my papers together and then I’ll drop you two at the precinct before I head to my motions hearing. He nodded softly, “Are you okay? I know that was probably a bit overwhelming,”

“Fine,” he whispered. You weren’t sure how much you really believed him. You packed up your papers, trying to decide what you really needed. Throwing yourself back in was proving to be slightly difficult. It was hard to get back into the swing of things, but you were finding your groove again as you went.

“Okay, let’s go,” you finally said with a sigh, heading out to a car. Rafael looked slightly apprehensive, but he got out by himself, waving as you headed to the court house.

…………………………..

Rafael slowly made his way inside. He was feeling nervous anytime he even thought about what you told him. It gave him this terrible anxiety that made him feel like he was going to die. He hoped Liv was expecting him. When he got inside, Fin and Sonny were at their desks, and they looked up as he approached. “Barba,” Sonny said with a smile, coming over and taking the car seat from his hands, “I see you brought my goddaughter to visit me,” Rafael didn’t like the way Sonny just took her. He had to breathe and remind himself to calm down, and that she was fine. It was only Sonny.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” The was Amanda’s voice.

“Alright,” he whispered, “Is Liv in?”

“Rafa, right here,” she said gently. He smiled when he saw her standing the doorway of her office. He slowly went in,

“Can we talk?” he asked, and she nodded, sitting on the couch and motioning for him to join her.

“What’s up?” she murmured.

“Uh, you heard right? About the pregnancy thing,” he was fidgeting, nervously picking at threads.

“Oh, yeah, I did hear about that. Are you…” she trailed off, and he looked away, tears starting to fill his eyes again.

“What am I gonna do?” he sobbed, leaning into her arms.

“Rafael, you know she’s probably lying right?” Liv whispered, “She’s crazy, haven’t you noticed?”

“I know, but what if she isn’t?” he whispered, “My life is going to be permanently affected by this. I’ll never be able to stop thinking about it. Nothing will ever go back to normal,”

“What if things aren’t going to go back to normal Rafael. You’ve changed. You know that. Things will get better, but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that you are probably going to keep this with you for the rest of your life. You will always have good days and bad days,” she whispered. Rafael appreciated the way you sugar coated things to make him feel better, but he also valued knowing that Liv wouldn’t lie to him. He had both options and sometimes he needed to hear them both. “I will look into this whole thing. I promise. I’m going to call McCoy and see if they’ll compel an amnio,”

“He won’t want to,” Rafael whispered.

“I’ll call in a favor or something. I will help,” she promised. He clung to her for a few moments, pulling back and wiping his eyes with his sleeve. He let his arm drop, leaning back against the back of the couch. “Oh Rafa, what happened?” She asked softly, grabbing for his arm.

“Huh?” he asked softly.

“Your arm,” he felt ice cold dread consuming him as she looked at his wrists that were marked up with cuts. She pulled the sleeve up, her eyes going wide with shock as she surveyed the damage he had caused. He could only gulp, at a loss for words and panicking inside. 


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some Rafi Gabriella fun stuff, Brady, Raf talks with Liv obviously and the Huang shows up. Hope you guys like this chapter. Probably no chapter tomorrow as I’m not off work til 11 and I have homework. But I will likely have one Tuesday, at least I hope!

Liv wasn’t stupid. He knew that. He sat there, eyes blown wide as he tried to figure out how to explain. The best excuse his panicked brain could come up with was that Brady scratched him, but he knew that wasn’t going to cut it. Liv was worriedly looking over his arm, the skin marred with dozens of little cuts. It was ugly and he hated it. “Did you do this?” She asked softly, reaching for his other arm. He couldn’t even meet her eyes. She was probably never going to let him see Noah again. He felt like he was hyperventilating, tears stinging his eyes. She looked up at him, and all he could do was nod slightly. She ran a thumb lightly over one of the starling lines, making him hiss. “Sorry,” he couldn’t take the silence anymore. He was certain she hated him by now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, unsure of what else to say. He started to pull his arms back, “I’ll just—I’ll just go,” he yanked at his sleeves, trying to get them back down.

“No, no Rafa, wait,” she said softly, grabbing for his hand to keep him from leaving, “Sit back down, I’m not upset with you,” He stood there for a few moments, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to talk. “Look at me, it’s okay,” she assured him.

“No, it’s not okay,” he whispered, “I know I shouldn’t,”

“I didn’t say you should, but I’m not going to yell at you or get mad. That won’t do anything,” she said gently. He felt his lip quivering slightly. “You can always come to me Rafael, if you need to talk or if you need help,”

“You know I’m bad at asking for help,” He whispered, wiping at his eyes.

“Well then I’ll have to make you accept my help,” that got a laugh out of him, “Do you want to tell me what happened?” She asked softly. He looked down at his lap, sniffling,

“I-I don’t know. It just—it hurts so bad sometimes. I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t make myself feel better. I was shaving and I cut my neck and I just felt calm afterwards. It helps me,” he whispered, “I’ve been trying to stop. I know it’s bad,”

“I’m glad you’re trying to stop. You hurting yourself makes me sad. I care about you Rafael,” Liv told him, taking his hand and looking him in the eyes, “I care,” He squeezed it, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Does Y/N know? Or Dr. Huang,”

“No, no please don’t tell them. Y/N is already so worried about me,” he begged, “You can’t tell her, please,”

“Shhh, calm down. I won’t. This is a private conversation. It’s okay,” she assured him, “You can always trust me with what you say Rafa,” He gulped, nodding and breathing as he tried to stop freaking out every five seconds. “That being said, I think you should consider telling her. They will want to help you. It’s not easy, I know, but you can’t keep hurting yourself. Look at this one, it’s really deep,” She ran her finger lightly over the one that he had slipped in the middle of. It was angry looking and red. Deeper than he was comfortable with. It made him feel sick to even think about it.

“That one was an accident,” he whispered, “Y/N knocked on the door and I slipped,” He looked away, still feeling ashamed of himself. He was shaking slightly, feeling tears dripping down his cheeks, “I don’t know how to even start telling Y/N this. She’s going to be so worried, and I’ve already probably taken five years off her life with all of this. It’s just so much,” He started swiping at his cheeks with the back of his hand. Liv quietly rubbed his back, trying to help him calm down.

“You’ve been through a lot Rafael, I know it’s hard,” she whispered, “I thought I was never going to recover after Lewis, but here I am. I know you have the history with your father, and I know it feels completely overwhelming right now, but you are strong. I know you. You will get better,” Her promises helped him to feel better. He let her pull him into another hug, leaning his face against her shoulder and trying to breathe slower. “She worries because she loves you. She would want you to tell her,”

“I-I can’t. Maybe I can tell Dr. Huang, but I can’t look at Y/N and tell her that after everything I’ve survived, now I’m injuring myself. I’m disgusting,” he whispered.

“No you aren’t. It’s a coping mechanism Rafa. An unhealthy one, but it’s just you trying to deal with what’s happened. No one should judge you, and most of all, you shouldn’t judge yourself,” she added gently. He nodded, trying to listen and do as she recommended. She was right, and he knew that, but he couldn’t ever just make himself feel better. He would try so hard.

“What am I going to do if she’s pregnant with my baby Liv?” he asked after awhile, “The last thing I want is for her to be influencing my child, or for them to suffer because of what she did. I wouldn’t want to miss out on my kid’s life, but she’s a woman and I doubt they’d give me full custody and no visitation even with a conviction on all counts. She’d be in my life forever,” Liv stroked his hair quietly for a bit,

“I don’t know Rafa. I honestly don’t know. We would fight like hell to get her out of your life and out the kid’s life. I guess I could do the visits if necessary, so you wouldn’t have to see her ever again. I know you’re going to keep worrying about it, but try to relax until we have an answer, okay?” she whispered, still holding him close as he cried. He let himself go for a little bit, needing to express his pent up emotions. Whenever he even thought about the possibility of her having his kid, he felt more anxiety than ever before. It made him sick to his stomach. He hated that she could still hurt him, that she had a grip on his like this.

“How does the case look?” he finally asked.

“I mean we have your statement, and the rape kit which has a lot of physical evidence. The tox screen on you helps a lot as well. I’m working on getting a warrant for the security tapes at the hospital. If we’re lucky, we might be able to get something damning. I’m not going to lie to you Rafael, this isn’t going to be easy, but we have a good case so far,” she explained. He nodded. That was encouraging. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stomach a video of him….like that being played for the whole courtroom to see, but everything was sort of out of his hands at that point.

“Barba, Y/N is here for you,” Sonny said, poking his head into the room. Rafael scrambled to pull his sleeves down, sniffling as he stood up. Liv walked him out, helping him collect everything and get out the door with you.

“Are you okay?” you asked softly. He nodded, wiping his face. You took him home, promising to be back in a couple hours. He occupied himself by sitting on the floor with Gabriella, giving her some tummy time and holding her close as he tried to deal with his anxiety. She was quiet, almost sensing that he was having a bad day. She smiled at him a few times which managed to make him laugh, but he just felt hopeless and he couldn’t shake it. He was laying on his stomach, looking at her when he felt something cold on his foot that scared him into jumping almost five feet in the air.

“Jesus,” he whispered, realizing it was just Brady. The little dog came over, sniffing Gabriella before settling on the ground beside her. She made a cute little noise, clumsily batting at the dog with her hand. He didn’t seem to mind. Rafael smiled at that, turning her over onto her back, “You want to do some exercises sweetheart?” he asked softly. She gurgled, looking at him curiously, “To get big and strong you have to use your muscles,” his voice was soft and light, and he carefully positioned himself so he could help her do a few sit ups. He had been talking with her pediatrician about ways to help her catch up as she was still really small for her age. He had been told exercising her everyday and making sure she ate and slept enough was really the extent of what he could do. He had been dissatisfied with the answer, but he would be damned if his daughter didn’t have the best chance possible at everything. He was careful to do some sort of exercise with her everyday whether it be getting her tummy time in to strengthen her neck and arms or doing little things like sit ups or moving her arms and legs. Sometimes she would get fussy, but he would sing to her and cheer her up to murmur to her in Spanish. She was his princess, and he was going to ensure she had everything that he never did. He gently lifted her up, planting a kiss on her forehead. She was already making some progress, his contribution becoming less and less little by little. Brady was watching him curiously like he would attack Rafael if he hurt Gabriella. He was comforted by the dogs overprotectiveness because he felt that way himself. It had been hard to leave her even with Sonny at the precinct. He wanted to be with her every moment of every day.

A knock on the door startled him from his careful motions. He scooped Gabriella up, heading to answer it. “Rafael, you look good,” Dr. Huang said with a smile. Rafael ran a hand over his face. He had forgotten he had a therapy appointment.

“Here, come in. I just need to get Gabriella down really quick, and then we can talk,” he said, feeling slightly frantic. He walked back to her room, rocking her gently. He sat down, and looked at his watch, thankful that it was basically her nap time. He rocked her for a bit, and she finally drifted off. He carefully set her in the crib, turning out the lights and grabbing the baby monitor before joining Dr. Huang in the living room. “Sorry,” he whispered. The doctor set aside the article he was reading, smiling.

“No problem. I was catching up on some paperwork anyways. Here, sit down,” he said, patting the couch beside him. Rafael sat down tiredly, sighing when Brady crawled into his lap. He hated getting dog fur on his clothes. It was just irritating, but when you smiled, holding the dog, he deep, down was glad he had caved and bought him for you. That had been such a different time in your lives, and he felt like an entirely different person.

“So how have you been feeling?” ah the customary beginning question. Rafael had been a terrible patient recently, cutting their sessions short and not really engaging, but after talking with Liv, he was feeling more and more like he should tell Huang. He was just scared, his fear and anxiety holding him back as usual. He considered what happened with his Xanax problem though, and remembered how kind you were and how kind Dr. Huang was about all of it. He wanted to stop cutting himself. He wanted to feel okay again on his own.

“Not so great to be honest,” he whispered. Dr. Huang looked pleased at the admission, but worried all the same.

“What’s been going on?” he asked, sitting back and crossing his legs.

“I--It’s just been a lot. Overwhelming I guess. I got some bad news yesterday which I’ve been trying to deal with,” Rafael explained. Huang nodded, waiting for him to continue. “That nurse apparently thinks or is claiming to pregnant with my child, and obviously it has me shaken up,”

“How does that make you feel Rafael?” he asked softly in that irritating clam voice. Nothing ever seemed to phase him.

“Horrible,” he said truthfully, “I don’t want to ever see her again much less deal with prying her away from our child. How would I ever explain that to a kid? How would I explain that to Gabriella? What if she had custody? I wouldn’t want to miss out on their whole life just because of….” he trailed off, letting head fall into his hands.

“So you’re feeling uncertain and anxious about it?” George said gently. Rafael nodded, feeling vaguely sick.

“I--I need to tell you something,” he said softly, “I’ve been doing something….bad, and I want to stop. I need your help.” He gulped, hoping his decision wouldn’t come back to bite him later. 


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk how I really feel about this chapter but it’s already take so long.....I hope you guys like it. Sorry for the delay, I was really busy the last few days. Let me know what you think!

  
“What do you mean by bad Rafael?” He asked softly. Rafael nervously started playing with his sleeve, trying to breathe.

“I—I,” He took a shuddering breath, running hand through his hair, “Sorry. I just—I didn’t even mean to start doing it,” He was babbling now. He just pulled up his sleeve, holding his arm out for Huang to see.

“Okay, take a breath,” George said softly, holding onto his arm and looking it over, “Is the other one the same?” Rafael nodded, his stomach flipping and flopping. “How long have you been doing that?”

“A week, a couple weeks. I’m not sure,” he admitted.

“Have you wanted to do anything more than just cut?” the doctor asked seriously, and Rafael blanched. He shook his head, “Have you told Y/N?” he shook his head again, “Well I think maybe you should let her know what you’re going through right now so she can help you,”

“I don’t want to disappoint her again,” he whispered, “She’s been taking care of me constantly since this happened, and I’m sick and tired of being a burden,”

“You’re not a burden. Don’t you see how much she loves you? She wants to help you,” George told him. Rafael sighed, dropping his head into his hands,

“I can try. I’m scared though,” he whispered.

“I know you are, but I think I’m the long run, it will be a very good choice. Now let’s talk about strategies to use when you want to cut,” Huang said, and Rafael sighed. He needed to do this, but he knew it wasn’t going to be easy. It was probably going to hurt a lot. He wanted his life to go back to normal, and he would do anything to get there.

………………………..

You were exhausted when you came home. The case you had at the moment was already blowing up in your face and a thirty minute session of being yelled at by McCoy left you with a splitting headache. You had three briefs to look over tonight and a shit load of case law to memorize, not to mention laundry and dinner and Gabriella. Hopefully Rafael was feeling okay because you weren’t sure you could spend the night rocking him to sleep again. You unlocked the door walking in and finding the living room empty which was odd because Rafael usually was napping on the couch around now. You laid down, covering your face and hoping for some peace and quiet for like five minutes. When you opened your eyes, it felt like a stabbing pain exploding right under your eyes. You weren’t prone to migraines, but especially early in your relationship, you had sat with Rafael through a couple really bad ones. He had been in immense pain, rendered helpless and spending the day curled up in a ball on the floor. You definitely felt like you were getting the beginnings of one. You had barely been there for five minutes when a soft voice startled you, “Oh, Y/N. I didn’t realize you were home,” it was Rafael’s voice coming from somewhere beside the couch. It was hurting your head to even hear someone else talk.

“Can I have a minute?” You asked softly. Either he didn’t hear you, or he didn’t think you were serious because he kept talking.

“I really need to talk to you about something,” he said.

“Rafael, not now,” you snapped. You just needed like five minutes and then you would try to take care of everything.

“Oh,” his voice was soft, “I guess I’ll j-just go….” the rest of whatever he said escaped your grasp. You laid there for a little while longer, finally dragging yourself up to get some Advil and a couple glasses of water. You went into the kitchen to start dinner, and found food already on the counter, waiting to be eaten. You frowned. Did someone bring dinner, or did Rafael make it? It looked really good, and it did look like something Lucia may have taught him before he headed off to college. You were going to have to eat some after you started the laundry, but when you made your way into the laundry room, the clothes were all folded and clean in baskets, waiting to be put away. Now that you were thinking about it, the apartment looked almost spotless like he had scrubbed it clean while you were gone. You felt a lump in your throat. He had taken care of so many things even though he still wasn’t feeling very well. Where was he anyways? You fought the tears that were threatening to spill over as you searched the apartment. You finally found him sitting on the floor of Gabriella’s room, playing with her. Her hair was damp and she looked clean.

“Raf,” you said softly. He looked up from his spot on the floor, hurt in his eyes. “Did you clean the apartment and make dinner?” You asked softly. He nodded.

“And the laundry,” he added softly. You laughed, but it quickly morphed into a sobbing sound. He looked alarmed, quickly putting Gabriella into her crib and pulling you into a hug. You leaned your face against his chest, clinging to him as you cried. You were so exhausted, and he had just helped so much.

“Thank you,” You whispered, your voice muffled against him. His hand was moving soothingly over your back. You missed his hugs. You missed him. You finally stopped sobbing, and pulled back, wiping your eyes and apologizing, “I’m so sorry I snapped at you,” you whispered, reaching up and stroking your hand down his jaw, “You didn’t deserve that at all. I’m just so tired, and I thought I was going to have to try and do everything around here and all the stuff I need for court tomorrow. None of that was your fault,”

“It’s okay,” he whispered, pulling you back in for another tight hug.

“No, it’s not,” you responded, “What did you want to talk with me about?”

“It’s nothing,” he murmured, burying his face in your hair. Something in his voice told you that was a complete lie. He had something serious he wanted to tell you.

“That’s bullshit Rafa, tell me,” you argued.

“Go eat dinner and do your work stuff. We’ll talk later,” he relented. He finally let go of you, and you planted a kiss on his lips. That sounded like a fair trade.

“Are you sure?” You asked softly, “I will gladly go to court tomorrow and look like an unprepared idiot if you need me,”

“It can wait a couple hours. I’m gonna read her a book or something. Her sleep schedule got all messed up today with everything, so I don’t know if she’ll actually go to sleep, but I’ll try,” he explained. You squeezed his hand once before heading into the study. You set up your papers, pouring yourself a glass of wine and starting the extensive reading you had to do. You felt like pulling your hair out halfway through finding the page in the huge law textbook you needed. Finally, after what felt like forever, you were done reading and taking notes, and you could get a shower. The warm water made you feel much more relaxed as you soaped up your skin quickly and efficiently. As much as you wished to stay in the shower, you knew whatever it was that Rafael wanted to speak with you about was important to him, so you were trying to finish up quickly. You dried yourself off, cleaning your face and pulling on a pair of boy shorts and a tee shirt that you stole from Rafael’s drawer. After taking out your contacts, you hunted down your glasses and then went to find him. He was laying in bed, trying to read a book, but you could tell from the shaking of his hands and the slightly blank stare, he wasn’t having much success.

“Hey you,” you said softly, sitting on the edge of the bed. He managed a weak smile, setting the book down on the nightstand. You pulled a pillow over in your lap, sitting cross legged on the bed, “Are you okay? You’ve got me a little worried,” you said gently.

“No, not really,” he admitted, running a hand over his face. He sighed, shifting around so he could face you. You tried to remain patient so he could explain to you exactly what was going on. Every nervous twitch broke your heart because you wished more than anything that he wouldn’t be this nervous around you. You didn’t blame him, but you wanted to take it away from him all the same. “I-Dr. Huang wanted me to talk to you about this,” he twisted the blanket around in his hands, “I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed recently. I just--it’s too much to handle sometimes. I didn’t mean to start doing it,”

“Start doing what Rafa?” you asked softly. He gulped before holding his arm out and pulling the sleeve up. Grey polyester slid away slowly to reveal gradually darkening lines, the one closest to his wrist almost entirely healed and pale, and the ones at the top of his arm bright red and throbbing. You didn’t even know what to say. You felt this immense pain for him, a deep feeling that made you hurt more than you thought you ever had before. “Oh baby,” you whispered, gently taking his wrist and looking over his arm. “Oh Rafa,” you couldn’t help but murmur it again, moving closer. He offered his other arm up, and you gently pushed the sleeve up, seeing similar damage. You gently stroked his arm, pressing a kiss to the inside of his wrist, and moving closer to him. He was watching you carefully, unsure of what to do or what you were thinking. “You don’t have to be afraid to show me this Rafael. I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so bad,” you finally found your voice. “What did Dr. Huang say?” He looked hopeful, his bottom lip starting to quiver slightly. That was all the warning you got before he pressed his face against your neck, crying softly. He gripped onto your sides, pressing his cheek against warm skin. You gently stroked his back, small circles over his thin shirt. He was shaking softly, his body positioned in a way that looked uncomfortable. You maneuvered him around so he was lying beside you, curled up against your chest. He cried for what felt like hours and all you could do was hold him and run your fingers over his ceck and through his hair and down his back, hoping that it was helping. “It’s okay,” you whispered, “Let it out, I’m right here sweetheart,” Finally, he started to calm down, still holding tight. You gently pried him off, looking at his arms closely. “Can I bandage these?” you asked. He nodded, wiping his eyes. You brought in some gauze and cream to rub on his cuts. You were gentle, spreading in over his arm, and apologizing with each little hiss and flinch of pain. Then, you wrapped slight circles, overlapping each one by half as you moved up his arm. You anchored it with so tape, moving on to his other arm. Then you gently helped him take off his shirt fully, running a soft hand over his skin.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t be Rafael, you have nothing to be sorry about darling,” you told him, looking into his eyes, and trying to help him.

“I’m struggling so much, and I don’t want you to have to deal with it,” he admitted, dropping his face into his hands and scrubbing the tears away.

“What are you talking about? You are so dumb sometimes for someone so smart,” you teased. He laughed softly, his smile barely reaching his eyes, “I want to deal with it Rafael. You can’t do this on your own no matter how much you try. I am here to help you. That’s what I’m here for,”

“I don’t remember the line “in craziness and in sanity,’ in wedding vows,” he joked.

“First of all, we aren’t married anyways you goofball, second you are absolutely not crazy, and finally, I think you’re forgetting where it says ‘in sickness and in health,’ and in ‘good times and in bad,’” you told him softly. You gently stroked his cheek, hand resting on his jaw, thumb just brushing over the stubbly skin.

“Geez, we’re not in a courtroom,” he whispered jokingly. “Dr. Huang showed me some different ways to try and deal with my anxiety. He wants me to start a journal. He also wants us to remove sharp objects from easy access,” he explained, his eyes glued to the bed spread.

“I think we can do that sweetheart,” you said gently, “I love you okay?” you reminded him. He nodded.

“I don’t know why I can’t just figure this out. It feels like it’s suffocating me all the time,” his voice was soft. You scooted closer, “I want to be okay. I was okay,”

“No you weren’t Raf, and you know that. Don’t kid yourself. What’s happened to you would be a lot for anyone,” you wanted him to be lighter on himself. He expected so much, and it was unrealistic. He was coping decently well considering everything.

“I wouldn’t be able to do this without you. Thank you for everything,” he whispered.

“Don’t bother Rafa, I don’t need a thank you. I just want you to feel better,” you told him.

“Y/N,” he whispered, and you looked up, “Can we get married tomorrow?” You stared at him for a few seconds. Married tomorrow? You needed rings and you’d have to fill out the wedding license. You were sure if you called in a favor, you might be able to get a judicial waiver to skip the twenty four hour waiting period.

“You really want to?” you asked softly. He nodded. “Okay Rafa, okay,” 


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys like this chapter! I’m super excited about my plans for the end of this. I’m feeling good about this chapter and I have some great ideas coming. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think! :)

You were walking briskly from the courtroom, briefcase in hand. Your phone was ringing loudly, so you dug it from your pocket, answering, “Hello?”

“Y/N? You called earlier, sorry I didn’t get to the phone. I was in the middle of something,” Lucia’s voice filtered through the speaker. You smooshed the phone between your ear and your shoulder, digging out the papers you needed from your briefcase as you hurried toward the elevator.

“It’s fine Lucia, Raf and I are going down to the City Clerk’s office later and we’re going to have the Justice of the Peace marry us. I’m sorry this is such short notice, but it’s a long story. I thought you would want to be there,” you explained. Rafael wanted it to be the two of you and Liv, but you didn’t think it was far to exclude his mother from the small ceremony. You were going to ask Sonny to come for you, Liv could be there for Rafael, and you wanted Lucia to be able to see her son get married. She agreed to meet you there later, sounding more than a little excited, but also shocked. When the elevator dinged, you stepped out onto your floor, finding the office of one of your old law school professors. You knocked, and he invited you in.

“Y/N,” he said with a big smile, setting down one of his papers, “What brings you here? How are you?”

“I’m doing alright, I’m actually here to ask you for a favor,” you said softly, coming toward his desk. “I’m hoping you might sign a judicial waiver for me so I can get married today,”

“Married,” he said with a large smile, “Who’s the lucky man?” He sat back in his seat. He was your favorite professor at Yale, and you had always got along. He looked out for you and invited you to eat with his family on holidays when he found out about your rough home life. He was almost like a father figure to you when you were younger. You had fallen out of touch after that with life being crazy, but he still would call sometimes to check up on you.

“You might know him actually. Rafael Barba,” you said softly.

“Barba? I can see how you two would blow up on each other,” he said with a laugh, “I was just reading about him, in the paper. How’s he doing?”

“He’s….he’s getting there. I don’t know. It’s been hard,” you admitted, trying to avoid tears from spilling onto your cheeks, “The whole business with Casey Mitchell was my fault, and then everything just tumbled downhill from there,” He sat back, waiting for you to continue, and suddenly you felt like you were in college again, so unsure about your life and how you were ever going to find your way in the world. He had been there for you then, and he was here for you now. “He’s really hurting, and I’m trying to help him, but my maternity leave is up. I think he really needs some stability right now, and he was insistent that he wanted to get married today. We’ve been engaged for around a year,”

“Maternity leave? You two have a kid?” he asked, surprise evident on his face. How long had it been since you talked? You pulled up your favorite picture of Rafael and Gabriella on your phone. He was asleep on the couch, Gabriella curled up on his chest. “She is adorable,” he said with a smile, “And I’m glad you two are so happy together. Hand me that warrant, I think this merits special circumstances,” He pulled out a pen and signed the paper, “How are you holding up with all of this?” he asked while filling out the paper.

“Not great,” you whispered, finally letting the tears fall, “He’s hurting so badly, and I’m trying to be there for him, but it’s so hard. I love him so much, and he’s been there for me through so many things. I’m just not as strong as him,”

“Have you talked to him about this? Maybe you should get some help, or talk to someone,” he suggested.

“I think we’ve had this conversation before,” you said softly with a laugh.

“Well maybe you’re not as smart as I thought,” he teased. You wiped at your tears, laughing. “I’ll tell you what, why don’t you and Rafael and your daughter come over for dinner sometime, or I’ll take you guys out,” he offered “Give me a call,” You nodded, taking the paper from him, and thanking him profusely. You headed out the door, feeling a little bit better. He was right. You needed to talk to someone or somehow deal with your own emotions in order to help Rafael. Speaking of which, he needed to meet you at the jewelry store soon. You got out to a cab, taking it back to your office where you dropped your things off. You were sorting through papers, trying to make things easier for yourself later when you would have to rush to court after everything.

“Hey Y/N,” Sonny’s voice came after a soft knock on the door, “You called?”

“Yeah, are you free in a couple hours?” you asked.

“I can wait and take a long lunch probably,” he replied, coming closer.   
“You want to come to my wedding?” you asked with a smile, and Sonny’s jaw practically dropped on the floor. He quickly regained his bearings, a smile breaking out on his face. “I’ll take that as a yes,”

“Are you guys going to the City Clerk?” he asked, and you nodded.

“Rafael sprung it on me last night,” you said with a laugh. You finally finished getting everything ready, grabbing your phone and jacket. Sonny followed you out after you locked the door.

“Where are you headed now?” he asked, holding the door for you.

“We need to go get rings now that I have my judicial waiver,” you said with a grin. You caught a cab, promising to call Sonny and tell him exactly when to come down to the court house. Rafael was supposed to take care of calling Liv. When you finally got to the jewelry store, Rafael was waiting outside, twitching nervously as he stood there with Gabriella’s car seat. You got out, smiling and gently pressing your lips to his. “You okay?”

“Sure, let’s go in,” he said too quickly for your liking. You took the car seat from him, garnering soft protests that you ignored. He followed you inside, his head hung slightly. You were growing more and more worried as his demeanor continued to be quiet.

“Raf, honey, what is wrong?” you asked softly, getting him to sit down.

“I’m just having a bad day,” he whispered, tears welling up in his eyes. You sat beside him, wrapping an arm around his midsection, “I just had a bad dream. It’s okay,” his voice was unconvincing, watery, and soft, “I was taking a nap cause after last night, I was just so tired. I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Sorry for what? You can’t help having a nightmare,” you whispered, hand stroking through the hair on the back of his head. He had been keeping it so short since what happened at the hospital. “And don’t start blaming yourself for your father again. That was not your fault Rafael,” He nodded, wiping his eyes. You knew he was trying hard to believe you. You kissed his cheek, rubbing his shoulder until he nodded at you again. He stood up, following you toward the display case. He took Gabriella out of her car seat, leaving it over by the door. He held her close.

“Hi, I’m Dan, what are we looking for today?” he said kindly. You smiled.

“Wedding bands please,” you answered, rubbing Rafael’s arm again.

“Of course, why don’t you take a seat and we can talk about what you’re looking for so I can hopefully help you,” he suggested. You smiled and followed him over to a table area. Rafael sat beside you, still nearly silent. Dan came over with a notebook and a few catalogs, “What’s her name?” he asked softly, reaching out to touch Gabriella. Rafael practically yanked her back, standing up, his lip quivering. She started crying, sensing his distress.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I would prefer you don’t touch my daughter,” He walked away, bouncing her and comforting her. You knew he would come back, so you let him go cool off.

“He’ll be back,” you said softly. You showed Dan your engagement ring, telling him you were interested in something that was in the store currently. You wanted it to be rose gold, just like your engagement ring. Rafael and you had talked last night, and he had mentioned he was interested in something black for himself. He helped you find a group of bands that would work with your ring and you looked them over. There was a pretty simple one, diamonds spanning all the way around, but you weren’t a fan. You wanted something a little bit more. There was one that caught your eye, a band that was wavy in the front, leaves spanning off of it like a vine. There were diamonds all across the front. You immediately liked it. While Dan was pulling it out of the case, Rafael reappeared, looking much calmer, and putting a hand on your back.

“Sorry about that,” he whispered, kissing your cheek. You took his hand, squeezing gently. Dan held up the ring for you, and you slid it on your finger under your engagement ring.

“What do you think Raf?” you asked softly. He looking over it.

“What were the other choices? Just so I can see them all,” he explained. He studied the ones in the case, looking at your finger again. “You like that one?” he asked, and you nodded, “Well I think it looks great. And it fits. We’ll take that one,” he said with a smile.

“Your turn Rafa,” you said excitedly. He handed you Gabriella, so he could look at the rings in the other case. He looked over them for awhile, picking out a jet black one and a silver one to try on.

“I have something in the back I think you might be interested in actually,” Dan said, “It’s not supposed to be on sale until tomorrow, but I think I can get permission to sell it to you guys if you like it,” Rafael looked at you, and you nodded. “What are you, size 9?” he asked. Rafael nodded, and Dan disappeared into the back. Rafael tried on the rings he had sitting there while Dan was gone, looking over his hand.

“What do you think?” he asked softly. You weren’t sure. Both of them were kind of plain, but if he liked them, you weren’t going to complain. Dan reappeared, a box in his hand. He set it down on the case, opening it up for you to see. It was black and shining, two bands of rose gold on the top and bottom. Rafael picked it up, looking it over before slipping it onto his finger. You loved it. You loved the way it matched your rings, and you loved the way it looked on his hand. He smiled. “I think I like this one,” he said softly, “Do you have rose gold and onyx cufflinks?”

………………………………………………………..

Rafael was standing on the street outside the courthouse, pacing. He was dressed in slacks and a black vest with a white dress shirt. His jacket was draped over his arm. He needed some air. You were waiting for him inside to come and sign the papers. Dr. Huang had been talking to him that morning, and it made him anxious. He had called him after his nightmare, needing someone to talk to, and he came over.

_“Rafael, what is going on?” he asked, coming in the door. Rafael had called him in hysterics after he woke up, sobbing and shaking. He hated himself for losing his cool like that. He took a shuddering breath, steadying himself on the couch._

_“I--I was trying to sleep. I was so tired, but I,” he stopped talking, dissolving into sobs again. George helped him to the couch, talking him down and helping him relax. He sat there, head in his hands afterwards with Huang’s soothing voice in his ear,_

_“Just breathe Rafael, it’s okay. You’re safe,” he promised, “It’s all okay,”_

_“I’m sorry,” he whispered. He was sorry he had called Huang, he was sorry he couldn’t get a grip, he was just sorry._

_“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” George assure him. He brought Rafael a cup of tea, talking to him after he calmed down. “Are you nervous about something?” he asked Rafael, trying to understand why he may have had a sudden nightmare, and if there was a trigger._

_“I mean, I’m a little nervous. Y/N and I are getting married today,” he said softly, “But that’s good nervous,”_

_“You’re getting married today?” George sounded slightly alarmed, “When did you make that decision?”_

_“Last night,” Rafael admitted. George sat back, going silent for a moment,_

_“Rafael, are you sure about this? I don’t know how smart it is to be making important decisions in such a vulnerable state,” he said gently after thinking._

He had explained to Huang that you had been engaged for a very long time before this, and busy schedules and life had really impeded your ability to plan your wedding. He couldn’t get it out of his head. He didn’t want to hurt you. He didn’t want to be rushing into something for the wrong reasons because that would turn out poorly later. He tried to remind himself that he had been very sure about this for a long time, but he couldn’t help but worry. He didn’t trust himself or his own judgement at the moment. He knew one thing though. He knew he loved you. “Rafael,” he looked up at the sound of his name. His mother was walking toward him, looking angry. “Rafael Barba,” she said sharply, smacking him in the chest lightly, “Who do you think you are, not inviting your own mother to see you get married?”

“What? How--” He was speechless. How did she even know? You. You must have told her. 


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay here’s the next chapter. What you’ve all been waiting for forever lmao. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading! :)

  
She was yelling at him in Spanish now, and he was trying to interject, but she just kept going, “Mom--Mom,” he tried to say, but she was mad. “Mom, calm down,” The look she shot him could melt a glacier.

“Calm down? Calm down. Are you kidding me Rafael. Did I drop you on your head when you were a baby or something?” she exploded, but now he was getting mad. He was just so tired of everyone telling him what to do and yelling at him, and he wanted some quiet for five minutes so he could think.

“No Mom, Papi did a good enough job smacking me around himself,” he bit back. It was a touchy subject between the two of them, and he had been trying so hard to just be okay for so long. She was staring at him with hurt in her eyes, and like always, he felt bad. He clenched his hands, hating how he couldn’t even control himself. He took a deep breath, “You know what Mom, I’m sorry, okay. Just come inside. I’m going to talk to Y/N, and let’s just not do this right now. Please,” She nodded after a second, following him inside.

“Oh Raf,” you said when you saw him, “Are you ready?”

“Can we talk?” he said tensely, You stood up, eyes wide. Lucia staid with Gabriella while Rafael escorted you over to a private place where you could talk.

“What’s wrong?” you asked softly. He was pacing, anger in his eyes.

“Did you invite my mother after I told you I only wanted Liv to come?” He asked finally, his voice soft, but dangerous. Rafael tried his best to never yell. It gave him bad memories, so when he had such a soft voice, you always knew he was furious. Sometimes he would go days at a time not talking to you to stop himself from yelling.

“Yes I did Rafa, she deserves to see you get married honey. Do you know how upset she’d be if she didn’t get to come?” You told him. You didn’t see why he was so angry.

“You had no right to do that,” he said angrily, rubbing his hand down his face. He looked irate, red tinting the skin of his neck and traveling toward his face. “What if I just called your parents and invited them? Would you like that?” Still somewhat perplexed by his anger, you decided to try and placate him in order to get him calm enough to get an answer from him.

“Okay Rafa, I get it. When you said to me this morning that you wanted Liv to come, I didn’t realize that meant you did not want your mother to be here. I should have asked you before I called her. I am sorry,” you said gently, taking a step towards him, “I didn’t mean to make you this upset,” He let out a breath, his shoulders slumping as he started to calm down.

“I can’t breathe,” he whispered, starting to pace, “I, Y/N, I’m sorry,” He was starting to cry, grabbing onto your arm. You maneuvered him to sit down, draping your arms over his shoulders.

“Shhh, shh, it’s okay. I’m not mad. I just don’t understand what’s got you so worked up baby,” you whispered by his ear. You gently pressed kisses to his neck, under his jaw. He sucked in a shuddering breath, starting to count as he calmed down. He started pressing his fingers into his arm, breathing softer as he continued whispering to himself. You gently pulled his hand away from his arm, “No hurting yourself,”

“I know, sorry,” he murmured, leaning his head against you.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong sweetheart?” you said gently. He shuddered, clutching your arms.

“I shouldn’t have got so upset, but I just--the only reason we’re getting married like this is because I’m so screwed up,” he whispered, “I don’t want my mom to see how fucked up I really am right now. I want her to see me get married at a big wedding, in a church just like she’s always wanted,” You rubbed soft circles on his chest, turning your head to kiss his temple.

“Rafael, she is going to see you get married in a traditional wedding, whenever we decide it’s time. She wants to see you be happy, okay? It’s okay,” you murmured by his ear. He nodded, sniffling and holding tight to you. He wiped his eyes,

“Bring me the papers,” he whispered, “I’m ready to sign them. Is Liv here?”

“Let me go check,” you told him, “I love you, okay?”

“Okay,” he replied. You left him to collect himself, going out of the room to see who was there. Sonny was grinning, standing with Lucia and Gabriella. You were collecting the papers up when you heard loud footsteps approaching. You barely had time to look up before Noah was hurtling himself at you,

“Aunt Y/N, Aunt Y/N, where’s Uncle Rafa?!” he exclaimed, a giant grin on his face.

“Noah, slow down,” that was Liv’s voice, “I hope you guys don’t mind that I brought him, Lucy had to go, and I didn’t want to miss this. I promised Rafael I’d be here,”

“No, I’m sure he’ll be thrilled to see Noah, here come on. He was just asking for you,” you said with a smile. You let Liv in the room with the papers for Rafael, coming back out to stand with Sonny and Lucia. “He’ll be out soon,” you told her, “He’s just having a bad day. I’m sure he’ll want to talk to you,” She nodded, smiling faintly. Noah stood with you, holding your hand as you waited for Rafael to be ready.

…………………………………………………………..

Rafael was sitting hunched over in the room, his head buried in his hands. He started pulling his own hair just slightly. He wanted to cut so badly. It was a tingling, consuming urge that made him feel sick. He felt like sobbing. A knock on the door made him feel a little better. “Come in,” he called, his voice muffled slightly.

“Rafa?” Liv asked, coming in the door. He wiped his eyes again, looking over his shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”

“I’m just having a bad day, and I yelled at my mom and at Y/N,” he whispered. “What is wrong with me?”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself Rafael, Y/N isn’t upset with you, and I’m sure if you talk to your mother, she will understand,” she encouraged him. She came over carefully, “Is it okay if I touch you?”

“Yeah,” he whispered, a tiny, wet sob escaping his throat. She rubbed his back softly, setting the papers in front of him. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, picking up the pen and reading over the paper. He signed where he was supposed to, standing up and wiping his face. “I’m so tired of all this. I want to cut so badly,” he admitted. Liv handed him a piece of blank paper,

“Try and rip this up,” she said softly. He did as she said, tearing it into little pieces. It did make him feel a little bit better. He sighed, standing up and letting her pull him into a hug,

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“Noah is here. He wanted to come see you,” Liv told him softly.

“Maybe he can hand me the ring this time around,” Rafael said with a smile, “Here, let’s go out there. I--I think I’m ready,” Liv guided him out, one hand on his shoulder blade. He saw everyone waiting for him and blushed slightly, but he felt better now. The first person he went to talk to was his mother. He pulled her into a hug, “I’m so sorry Mami,” he murmured, “I can’t explain everything now, but later, I promise this will make more sense,” She held him so tightly, kissing his cheek and rubbing a hand down his back.

“It’s okay Mijo, I love you,” she whispered, “I’m sorry I yelled at you,”

“It’s alright,” he whispered, pulling away. Noah was practically thrumming with excitement, so Rafael came closer, “Hey buddy,”

“Hi Uncle Rafa,” he said with a grin, going for a hug. Rafael held him close, shutting his eyes.

“Mmph, I’ve missed you,” he murmured, “You think you could do me a favor later?” Noah looked up at him with wide eyes, nodding. “You know why I’m here?” he asked. Noah shook his head, “Well, I’m gonna get married to Y/N, I’m gonna promise her to love her for the rest of my life, and then I’m gonna give her a ring. You think you could hold onto that ring for me and keep it very, very safe?” Noah nodded emphatically. “Then when I ask you to, you’ll hand me the ring,” Noah nodded again, “And then, maybe later, I can take you out for ice cream,” Noah threw his arms around Rafael’s neck again, and Rafael chuckled softly. He gently rubbed Noah’s back, smiling genuinely and feeling much, much better than he had earlier.

“Okay boys, I don’t have all day,” you said with a laugh. Rafael stood up, smiling and following you to hand the papers in along with the judicial waiver. It was barely any time before you were walking into a little room with a podium in the corner. There were flowers there and Rafael focused on them. He could feel himself shaking. He took a step in, feeling his throat constricting slightly. He was ready to do this despite his nerves, he just needed to find a way to speak. His mother was rubbing his back as he took a few tentative steps forward. He stood there, nervously fiddling with his cuff. Liv was at his side now, rubbing a hand down his shoulder,

“Are you okay?” she whispered.

“Yeah, yeah, just a little nervous,” he replied. He took a few calming breaths, hearing someone enter the room. There was a female voice from the podium,

“Good morning folks, can I please see the bride and groom and their identification?” the woman said. Rafael reached into his pocket with a shaking hand, withdrawing his wallet and handing his driver’s license over to the woman. He felt like he had tunnel vision, dizzy and trying to focus, but then you were next to him and he could smell your familiar perfume. He felt a little bit better. “And then I just need one of your identifications,” she said, looking at Liv, Sonny, and Lucia. Liv brought up her license. “All right, if you two would just step forward, we can begin. I’m fine with any pictures you would like to take or video. It’s up to you,” Rafael gulped, wiping his hands on his pants before standing beside you. He risked one glance up at your face, and you were smiling warmly at him. He let himself keep his vision on you, it was calming him down. He felt Liv standing behind him with Noah beside her. He could see Sonny standing beside you. His mother was filming or taking pictures. “Can anyone here think of any legal reason why these two shouldn’t be married?” After a brief silence, she continued, but Rafael could barely hear her. He was too busy looking at you. He could feel tears pricking his eyes as he thought about how much he loved you. He could feel warmth swelling in his chest, you knew everything, his deepest darkest secrets and the things that scared him the most, and yet you still took care of him and loved him despite all of it. You held him through his nightmares, whispering to him that he was okay, promising him that you would stay all night.

“Rafael,” your soft voice cut through the fog of his thoughts. He realized it was probably time for him to say something, but he wasn’t entirely sure what it was.

“Mr. Barba?” the woman asked, and he managed to regain his panicked thoughts,

“Sorry, sorry, I do,” he said softly, “I do,”

“Alright, slide the ring onto her finger,” the woman prompted again. Rafael turned to Noah, smiling and holding out his hand. Noah grinned, depositing both rings into his open hand.

“Thank you buddy,” Rafael whispered, turning back to you and gently sliding the wedding band on your slender finger first. His hand was shaking so bad, he could barely get the ring on it. He focused his attention on your manicured nails, holding your wrist gently with his other hand. He got it on, shooting you a nervous smile before slipping the engagement ring back on. You smiled at him comfortingly, gently stroking his cheek. He held your hand lightly watching you more until you were looking at him curiously. You nudged his hand up, and then he felt the cool ring slipping past his knuckle.

“You can kiss your bride,” that part he heard. With a trembling hand, he cupped your cheek, leaning in and gently pressing his lips to yours. You let him kiss you softly for a few seconds before you pulled back. He wanted to drown in your lips forever. He loved you so much, and your hands on his shoulders made him feel better. He relished the hold he had on you, standing close, his forehead resting against yours.

“I love you,” he breathed, shutting his eyes and clinging.

“I love you too,” you whispered back. 


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is sort of a filler chapter I guess, there’s not much action but I hope you guys like it. Let me know what you think :)

Rafael wouldn’t let go of your hand. You thought it was cute, but you needed to go to court. He hand been holding onto you since you kissed, and his hand was still tightly clutching yours. “Raf,” you whispered, now outside. “Baby, I’ll be home in a couple hours,” he nodded, but he still didn’t let you go, “I need my hand,”

“Okay,” He whispered, crowding you again and pressing his lips to yours. He pulled you into a tight hug, resting his cheek in your shoulder before he finally let go.

“Uncle Rafa! What about ice cream?” Noah asked loudly. Liv scolded him, but Rafael waived her off.

“I did promise. Are you coming Liv?” he asked softly. She nodded, “Mom, you want to come?”

“Sure Rafi, why not,” his mother said with a smile. He carried Gabriella’s car seat to Liv’s car, and she drove them somewhere to get ice cream. Rafael sat in the grass with Noah eating ice cream. He left Gabriella with Liv and his mom at their request. Noah was chattering his ear off.

“Uncle Rafa?” he said softly. Rafael looked at him, waiting for the question, “Why did you and Aunt Y/N get married in that little room instead of like normal?”

“Cause I’m still not feeling great Noah, and I wanted to wait to have a big wedding until I feel all the way better,” he explained after a few moments of thinking. Noah looked perplexed, taking a big bite of his ice cream. He reached for Rafael’s hand,

“Why have you been sick for so long?” he asked. Rafael squeezed his hand, going quiet. He looked away, gulping.

“Noah, it’s a long story, and maybe when you’re older, I’ll tell you more, but something very bad happened to me. It might be an even longer time before I feel better,” he carefully told the young boy. Noah nodded, his curls bouncing. He scooted closer to Rafael, wrapping an arm around his midsection. He hugged him tightly and Rafael pressed his face into Noah’s hair. He couldn’t help the few tears that escaped his eyes, “Thank you for spending time with me Noah,” he whispered.

“I have fun with you Uncle Rafa,” Noah said gently. Rafael held tight to Noah, grateful to have so many people there for him. He didn’t know how he got so lucky. “I hope you feel better soon,”

“Me too Noah, me too,” he whispered. They sat quietly for a little while, until Noah spoke again.

“Uncle Rafa?” he asked.

“Hmm Noah?” Rafael murmured.

“You said maybe we could have a sleepover,” he said matter of factly. Rafael laughed. He didn’t understand why Noah wanted to spend time with him at all.

“I did, didn’t I,” Rafael said softly, “I guess we can ask your Mom about Friday because we can’t on a school night,” Noah grinned. After they finished their ice cream, Rafael headed home with Gabriella. He was exhausted and happy. He loved you so very much, and now you were really married. He took care of Gabriella, playing with her and making sure she got her exercise, and then he put her down for a nap. He folded the laundry, putting it away, and then starting dinner. He was trying to keep himself occupied because it distracted him. He wanted you to come home, and he really hated how needy he was now. He was constantly needing comfort from you, and he was constantly texting you or calling you at work. Once all the work was done and he made dinner, he sat down on the couch with a plate. He picked at the rice and beans, trying to make himself eat. It was frustrating knowing he should be eating more, but being unable to actually stomach the food. He finished half of his plate, feeling sick afterwards. He was trying so hard. He couldn’t even stand looking at himself anymore. He hated the way his ribs poked out from under his skin, how scrawny he looked. He felt like he was twelve years old again and hiding as he changed in the locker room to avoid being teased by older and bigger kids. Rafael wouldn’t even sleep without a shirt anymore. It was hard for him to be alone, to sit there on the couch he had bought once he moved to Manhattan and know that he was forever altered. When things were quiet, all he could hear was that little voice in his head that told him he was worthless. The voice that reaffirmed every mean and hurtful thing that was ever hurled at him. The voice that told him he deserved every kick and punch, every touch. The voice that told he he’d be better off dead. He hated being alone. He wished he had asked Liv or his Mom to come over for the evening, just until you got home. He got up, unable to stand it anymore, going to the bathroom and turning on the water. Maybe a shower would make him feel better. He stepped under the warm spray, letting it wash over the tense muscles of his back. He soaped up his skin, refusing to look down at his scars. The water beating down against him was relaxing. He shut his eyes, trying to calm down and get his anxiety under control. He wanted to be happy. It was disheartening to suddenly feel so poorly again. Every time things began to feel better, he hoped and prayed that it would be a turning point, that he wouldn’t feel that way anymore, but time and time again he was disappointed. When he got out of the shower, he dried off, pulling on a tee shirt and some boxers and going into Gabriella’s room. He wanted to hold her, but she was asleep and he wouldn’t wake her selfishly because he was upset. He went to the bedroom, lying on his side and curling up as he tried to relax. He had this knot in his stomach, a twisting feeling that made him sick. It wouldn’t go away. He felt his hands going for his wrists, the urge to scratch making him feel frenzied. He pulled out his phone, wiping his eyes and dialing the number he now had memorized.

“Hello? Rafael?” the soft voice asked.

“I’m sorry to call you twice in one day,” he hurriedly said, “But can you please come over?”

…………………………………….

He was still curled up in the dark when he heard footsteps approaching the bedroom. “No, no, no, no,” he whispered, pulling on his hair, and rocking slightly. It was like he was eight all over again, hearing those footsteps approaching his bedroom and knowing what was going to happen to him. He was scared. A light knock on the door. He forced himself to breathe, he was okay. He wasn’t a little kid anymore.

“Rafael, it’s George, can I come in?” his voice was soft from the other side of the door.

“Y-Yes, I’m just in bed,” Rafael called shakily. Light poured into the room a the door inched open,

“Can I turn on a light?” the psychiatrist asked.

“My head hurts,” George turned on a soft light before coming closer to him,

“Can I sit on the bed?” he asked, staying in Rafael’s field of vision. Rafael nodded. George sat beside him, resting a hand of Rafael’s shoulder. “What’s going on?”

“I’m trying not to,” he whispered. George seemed to understand what he was saying, nudging his arms over so he could look. There were light scratches but nothing more.

“Did you try writing in the journal?” Dr. Huang asked softly. Rafael shook his head. “Okay, how are you feeling right now?”

“I just hate myself,” he admitted, “It hurts. All I can think about is how I deserved everything. I want to feel better,” George sat quietly with him for awhile, talking him through some calming exercises.

“Listen to me Rafael, things aren’t going to magically get better. This is going to take a lot of work,” George whispered, “I know it feels impossible, but you are improving. Look at your wrists. You didn’t cut. I know you didn’t completely avoid hurting yourself, but you didn’t cut. That is progress. Let’s try a journal entry. I’ll help you,” Rafael nodded, wiping his eyes and sitting up. He was gripping the pen so hard his knuckles were white. It was hard to write about the way he was feeling, to admit what he wanted to do to himself. He carefully did as Huang suggested and afterward, he didn’t have that pressing urge anymore. He felt exhausted, but better.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and George nodded.

“Get some sleep Rafael, and next time you feel like this, try the journal, or call me again if you need help,” the psychiatrist said kindly. Rafael nodded, wiping his face and trying to decompress. He shut his eyes, letting himself take a nap.

………………………………………

You walked in the door, dropping your things unceremoniously on the counter. It was dark in the apartment, and you weren’t sure where Rafael was. You slowly made your way back to the bedroom, peeking in and seeing him passed out in bed. He looked wiped, his soft snoring accompanying the gentle rise and fall of his chest. You didn’t want to wake him, but he needed to take some of his medicine soon and you weren’t sure if he ate dinner. You stepped closer to the bed, “Rafael, honey,” you whispered. Rafael shifted slightly, but didn’t wake up, “Raf,” you gently shook his shoulder. He groaned, his eyes fluttering open, “Hey,” He smiled.

“Hi,” he murmured sleepily, his hand reaching up to run through your hair,

“Can you sit up for me, you need to take some Zoloft,” you reminded him. He nodded, yawning as he unfolded himself from his curled up position. He arched his back, stretching his muscles out as he woke up. “Sweetheart, did you have dinner?”

“Mmhmm, it’s covered in the oven if you want some,” he breathed. He was holding tight to your hands, “Missed you,” he whispered, leaning forward and resting his face on your chest. You stroked a hand through his hair, holding him tight.

“Are you feeling alright? You seem a little disoriented,” you whispered.

“Just tired,” he yawned, standing up shakily. He followed you out to the couch, gulping down his pills when you got them for him. You came back to the couch with a plate of food, eating as you sat with him. Rafael wrapped an arm around your shoulders, and you leaned into him. “How was work?” he asked softly.

“Long. Stressful,” you whispered, “Judge Bertuccio was giving me a hard time about an important piece of evidence. McCoy was pissed again. Earned me an earful,”

“I’m sorry. That’s never fun,” Rafael whispered, sleepily, resting his cheek against your head. You squeezed his thigh gently, leaning further into his embrace after setting your plate on the table. He nuzzled his face against your cheek, pressing soft kisses there. You caught him staring at your hand.

“It’s still there,” you whispered with a smile. You looked at his hand, admiring the ring that was on his finger. It made you happy.

“I just, I can’t believe this,” he whispered, “I can’t believe we’re finally married. I can’t believe I can call you my wife. I can’t believe we have a daughter,”

“We’ve been engaged for months,” you whispered, amusedly, stroking his hand. He laughed softly, albeit slightly bitterly. “What?”

“Y/N, I can’t stop myself from wondering when you’d realize I wasn’t worth your time anymore, but now, it just feels, it feels more stable somehow,” he admitted. You squirmed out of his arms, pulling him against you and into yours.

“I love you Rafael, I think I would know by now if I didn’t want you,” you said with a soft laugh. Rafael hummed contentedly as you ran a few fingers through his short, dark locks. He was quiet for a few moments before he let out a little ragged sob. Your brow furrowed as you gathered him up close, trying to figure out what was wrong now. “Oh Raf, what is it?”

“I feel so much better when I’m with you,” he whispered, still crying, “I felt awful this morning, but then I saw you and we bought rings and we got married and I felt better. I felt good. Then I came home and I was alone and I freaked out Y/N,” You felt your own eyes filling with tears. You hated imagining him alone and terrified. “Now I feel good again. I want to be okay on my own. I don’t want you to have to worry, or to come home because I’m panicking,” You were quiet, rocking him and kissing him.

“Raf, baby, I know you’re scared, and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but Dr. Huang can’t help you if he doesn’t know everything,” you reminded him, “I think it might help if you try talking to him about what happened with your dad,” He sniffled, clinging. He gripped onto you,

“I know, I know I should,” he whispered, “Look what I did to my arm,” He showed you the scratches, and you pulled his arm closer to press your lips to it.

“Oh darling,” you whispered, “I’m sorry this has been so hard,”

“I know, it’s not your fault,” he whispered. He laid in your arms quietly for a little while, “Can we watch a movie or something, I want to--I want to do something,” You nodded, turning on a romantic comedy you had been dying to see. You hoped it would make him laugh. He rested in your arms, sniffling and resting against you. He traced your fingers idly, toying with your ring as he watched the television. He laughed a few times, relaxing palpably. He moved around so he could lay down, you curled up beside him, your head resting on his shoulder. He rubbed his hand down your back, still focusing on the movie, but your attention was on him. You watched his face, the way his eyes lit up when he laughed, the look of concentration on his face as he tried to predict the end of the movie. He caught you staring at him half way through, smiling softly at you. “Do I have something on my face?” he asked softly with a laugh.

“No, you’re just adorable,” you whispered. He snorted. You propped yourself up on your elbow, looking down at him. His green eyes met yours, and as you leaned in, you searched them for any hesitance or panic. Instead, a hand tangled in your loose curls, dragging your lips down to meet his. So you spent over a half hour, lazily kissing him. It felt like it had been forever since you really kissed him. A few lazy pecks here or there didn’t count. He was gasping softly, arching into every touch. “Relax Raf,” you whispered, “Tonight let’s just take it easy,” He nodded, and you knew he was grateful for your reminder that you didn’t need to do anything. Past the good responses, the way he leaned into your touches, his hands were shaking and you could feel it. You could feel his anxiety. A few more deep kisses and you settled back onto his chest, hand stroking his skin, sneaking under his shirt. You felt warm in his arms as you slowly drifted to sleep. 


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is definitely bedtime for me. Ugh. The real trick will be dragging myself away from finishing Chitty Chitty Bang Bang starring the beautiful Raúl E Esparza. This is easily my second favorite musical he’s been in :)

Rafael laid awake. Too much was going on in his head for him to rest anymore. He watched you peacefully nap against him, your arm curled over his chest, your head tucked against his shoulder and chest area. He ran his fingers through your hair, looking down at your hand that was splayed across his pec, admiring the ring on your finger. He thought it was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen, his ring sitting so perfectly on your finger, proclaiming to the world that you were his. When he was feeling bad about himself, his insecurities flaring up, he could look at you, happily wearing his ring, and remember that someone as amazing as yourself had chosen to be with him for the rest of your life.

You looked so tired, and he felt guilty because of that. He was asking so much of you. He hated how nervous he had been when you were only kissing. His heart had been beating one hundred miles per hour, panic screaming through his head, yelling at him that he was in danger. His hands were sweaty as he pulled you toward him, his lips unsure as they brushed against yours. He hadn’t known what to do with his hand, and he shouldn’t be that nervous. Not with you. Your soft words of assurance had made him feel so, so much better. You always knew what to say to help him. When he needed you, you always came through, and he honestly didn’t know where he’d be without you. He ran his hand over your back in soft circles, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. The warm weight of you tucked up against him made him feel safe. You made him feel safe. He remembered the moment he realized he was in love with you. It had been in the courtroom of all places. He was sitting at the prosecution table, watching as you carried out the direct with a victim. The compassion in your eyes, the strength and determination you had to convict the defendant. He had just been floored, and he suddenly just knew that you were the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He had found himself thinking about you at night when he laid in bed, imagining what it would be like to be your husband, what it would be like to have someone love him for real. You made him feel confident in himself or you did before all this. Now it wasn’t your fault he had no idea who he even was anymore.

He turned his attention back to the tv, trying to avoid his self destructive thoughts. The movie felt dry and unamusing, and he was tired. He had mostly been putting on a show for you, trying to feel alright as he watched. He did feel better with you, and you made things seem better. He’d give anything to see you smile fully, bit he didn’t think he’d seen that since he was assaulted. He turned the tv off, shifting around and trying not to wake you. He wanted to carry you to bed so you wouldn’t have to sleep on the couch, but he wasn’t technically supposed to be lifting anything over fifty pounds. He was afraid he was going to drop you. He was so weak now, physically and mentally. Despite his hesitation, he sat up, shifting you gently into his arms. He wanted to hold you in bed, to pretend that everything was okay again. To pretend he was still the man he was before all of this. Those thirty minutes or however long he could keep up the charade would be a reprieve from the brokenness that was tearing him apart. He struggled to get his feet flat on the floor before pushing himself up with a grunt. It felt like his chest was burning, the muscles being shredded as he tried to balance your weight. He took a few careful steps toward the bedroom, holding you as close to his body as possible and starting to speed up as his grip started to slip. It felt like he was going to fall and hurt both of you. He carefully set you on the bed, collapsing back against the wall with exertion. “Raf, are you trying to give yourself a heart attack,” your sleepy voice made him jump.

“No, but you are apparently,” he griped, hand resting over his heart, “If I woke you up, why didn’t you say something?”

“I was afraid I would startle you and then we’d both be on the ground,” you said with a sleepy laugh. Rafael laughed breathlessly, trying to recover. He let out a pained noise, clutching his chest and sliding to the ground. He let his head fall back against the wall, heaving a breath and trying not to get sick. “Raf, honey, do you need help?” you asked, sitting up slightly. He gritted his teeth, but shook his head.

“I’m okay,” he breathed. He was clearly in pain, but you did believe him that it wasn’t anything serious. It was a good few moments before he was back on his feet and going to turn off all the lights. He shut everything off, climbing in bed beside you and snaking his arms around your waist. He held you tight, pressing gently kisses to your shoulders, pressing his face against your skin. You stroked his hand that rested on your stomach. “I love you,” he whispered, sweetly before cheekily continuing, “Mrs. Barba,” You laughed softly, snuggling farther into his arms,

“I love you too Mr. Barba,” your soft voice made him smile as he relaxed. He spared one more glance at your hand before shutting his eyes. It was perfect.

………………………………………………….

You felt wrapped up in a cocoon of warmth when your alarm went off. The beeping cut through the pleasant nothingness that was your thoughts until you groaned and smacked the alarm clock. Rafael refused to let go of you, mumbled pleas for you to stay muffled by your skin. You thought about telling him you needed to leave, like you knew you had to. It was on the tip of your tongue, but the warmth of the covers felt so nice, his warm skin pressed against yours. Ten more minutes. You settled again, shutting your eyes and basking in the feeling of him wrapped around you like a damn octopus. His arms held you tight to him, one of his legs resting over yours. It felt so secure to be held so tightly, and you had missed that. If you slept in the same bed as him recently, you were likely holding him in your arms, and you honestly didn’t mind that, but you missed this. You missed him making you feel safe. You missed Rafael. This man wasn’t your Rafael, he was fractured, broken pieces of the man you loved, and you still loved every little shard with all your heart, but he was not himself. You missed your Rafael, the beautiful smile that could light up your dark days, the sweet whispers that righted your upside down world. Rafael could make you feel in a way that no one else could. He could catapult you to the top of the world or crush you into absolutely nothing, and he handled that responsibility with the utmost carefulness. *Beep beep beep beep* you smacked the snooze again, trying to get yourself up a second time, but Rafael protested again, his voice growing desperate as he begged you not to leave. You let him pull you close once more, losing your resolve. Ten more minutes wouldn’t hurt. You would just skip your first cup of coffee. “Please stay,” he whispered.

“I am,” you said curiously, shutting your eyes again.

“No, please stay,” he said again and you realized he didn’t just mean for ten more minutes.

“Raf--” you started to say, but you paused, “How about this, I don’t have court today. I’ll tell Jerome to forward my calls to my cell, and I’ll stay here unless I get a call,” He nodded, clutching you to him. “Well, you need to let me make a phone call,” you whispered, reaching for your cell and calling into work. Afterwards, you let him hold you tight again until Gabriella’s shrieks forced you from bed. As you heard her, you felt a stab of panic, “Did we sleep through her crying last night?” you asked, panicking.

“No,” he whispered, scrubbing at his eyes, “I fed her and I changed her diaper two or three times,”

“You did?” you asked softly, looking at him. He nodded, and you felt bad, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because you’re exhausted,” he said softly as you picked her up out of her crib. You held her, sighing at how big she was now. She was growing so quickly. She was wailing now, but Rafael appeared with a bottle, handing it to you after steering you into the rocking chair. Had you forgotten how to take care of your own daughter after only a few days? “You’re just tired,” he murmured softly, like he read your mind. You fed her, Rafael sitting on the floor not far from you. He was smiling softly, watching you take care of her. “Can I burp her?” he asked softly, so you handed her over and he stood up, swaying with her as he rubbed and patted her back. He was adorable with her, and it made you so happy to watch. Once Gabriella was taken care of, you wrapped your arms around his waist from behind,

“Mr. Barba?” you asked softly, and you could feel the vibrations of his soft laughter rumble through his chest,

“Yes Mrs. Barba?” he murmured, relaxing against you,

“How about you take me out for breakfast?” you suggested. He didn’t respond for a moment, turning in your arms, and holding you against him.

“What about Gabriella?” he asked, but you had already thought of that.

“We could bring her with,” you reminded him, and he nodded. He pressed his lips to yours just for a second before going to get dressed. When he appeared again, he was wearing blue jeans and a soft sweater. He got Gabriella all ready, strapping her to his chest, and grabbing his wallet. You smiled, taking his hand as you headed out the door and to your favorite breakfast place that was just a few blocks over. You enjoyed the leisurely stroll down the road, the brisk autumn air blowing on your skin, but it wasn’t super cold yet. Rafael was shivering slightly by the time you reached the restaurant, and he looked very glad to be inside. He took a seat in the booth, smoothing down Gabriella’s hair that had been blow askew by the wind. You smiled, chin resting in your hand as you watched him from across the table. He righted her clothing, gently wiping the drool from her face and murmuring to her Spanish. He pressed the pacifier into her mouth before noticing your intent gaze.

“Can I help you?” he asked with a soft smile.

“No, no, carry on handsome,” you said with a laugh. He rolled his eyes, picking up the menu and looking it over. You already knew what you wanted. He looked slightly distressed when he set it down, “You okay?” you asked softly.

“Yeah, yeah, I just want to be able to eat more. I don’t like…..this,” he gestured vaguely at himself, but you understood what he was saying. You definitely prefered your usual Rafael, but you hoped he didn’t feel too self conscious. He wasn’t ugly or anything, you just liked knowing he was healthy and he was far underweight at this point.

“Just pick something that sounds good Rafa,” you suggested, “If you worry about it, you’re not going to enjoy eating at all,” He nodded, looking over the menu once more. When the waiter came by, he ordered orange juice, coffee, and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes. You got blueberry pancakes like always. You were starting to eat them when you felt his intent gaze on you.

“Y/N,” he whispered. You looked up, concerned that something might be wrong with him. “Are you alright?” he asked, surprising you. You swallowed hard, taking a sip of your water and not looking at him. He didn’t need to be worrying about you, not with everything he was currently dealing with. “I know I’ve been needy and probably annoying--”

“No Rafael, you’re not needy or annoying. It’s not you. I just worry okay,” you told him, “I worry about you everyday, and I hate seeing you in pain. When you are hurting, it hurts me,” He looked at you, tears in his eyes when he heart your words. “It’s hard for me to be away from Gabriella, and it’s hard for me to be away from you all day. Work is stressful, and by the time I’m home, I’m exhausted,”

“I-I’m sorry,” he whispered, wiping at his eyes, “I should be helping more. I shouldn’t be calling you so much,”

“No. Rafael, listen, none of this is your fault. I don’t want you to change a thing. You needed time to recover, and you’re still not all the way better,” you assured him, “You’ve been plenty helpful lately, and I appreciate all the effort you’ve been putting into helping me,”

“Is there anything else I can do to help?” he asked softly. He knew what you were saying. He knew how hard it was to watch someone you loved suffer in pain.

“You’re doing just fine baby I’ll figure it out,” you whispered, “You focus on getting better,”

“You can talk to me, you know,” he said softly, picking at his food before taking a bite, “I won’t break. If you need to vent or cry, I can listen or hold you. Just because I’m….screwed up right now, doesn’t mean I’m not your husband,”

“I know Rafa, and I appreciate that more than anything,” you said softly.

“Even if you don’t want to talk to me about it, I want you to take care of yourself,” he whispered, not meeting your eyes. He took a bite of his food, “I want you to talk to Sonny or Liv or anyone,” You felt tears pricking your eyes, your throat feeling scratchy with tears. Rafael stood up, noticing immediately and pulling you close. He ran his fingers through your hair, rubbing your back and holding you as you cried. It felt better to have talked with him about this. You didn’t want him feeling guilty about how you felt, and he seemed to understand that you were just worried about him. You just hoped things might get easier from here on out. For the both of you. 


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post last night but I went to my brothers and I got a little tipsy and then I was really tired so sorry about that lmao. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, it’s movin us toward the end of this part. I still have a bit to go though. Let me know what you think. Thanks for all the support so far, this story is important to me because I think male rape victims are very under represented and I think it’s important that they don’t have that stigma. It’s okay for men to cry, it’s okay for them to hurt. I hope I’ve been able to represent that well.

  
Rafael was sitting in the unfamiliar chair, trying desperately to quell his anxiety. He felt incredibly uncomfortable and panicked. He let his head drop, sucking in rapid breaths and trying not to lose the grip he had on himself. He wanted you to hold him, but you weren’t there yet. “Rafael, you can come in now. Sorry to keep you waiting,” It was Dr. Huang’s soft voice. He was glad to go into the little room, hating sitting in an exposed waiting room all by himself. He took a seat, still feeling nervous. He wished this session could have been at home like the rest, but Huang thought getting Rafael out of the house might help with his depression. His mother was watching Gabriella for a couple hours while he went to his therapy session and you were at work. Rafael had been instructed to try and go for a walk everyday whether it be to the store or to the park or just down the street. Huang wanted him getting fresh air and not feeling so cooped up, but his anxiety was making that incredibly hard. He shouldn’t feel so nervous and he knew it, but it felt like everyone was out to get him. It felt like he would turn a corner and there would be another person to hurt him, to touch him, and he couldn’t handle those thoughts. “Rafael,” Dr. Huang was watching him curiously, “How are you feeling today?”

“Oh,” he cleared his throat, “Uh, okay I guess. I don’t like going on the walks,”

“Let’s talk about why not,” Huang suggested. Rafael nodded, taking a deep breath and trying to stop the trembling. Huang noticed his discomfort of course, but waited to allow Rafael to talk about it on his own terms. He tried not to push Rafael too hard, which the man could appreciate. Sometimes things were just too painful, so bad it felt like he was tearing at the seams even thinking about it. Sometimes he wondered if he was even sane anymore.

“I just have irrational fears,” he admitted softly, “I go outside and I get this feeling inside me, this tightly coiled panic that makes me terrified. The man across the street is staring at me, he wants to jump me in an alley, the woman behind me is following me. Or people are looking at me, judging me. Look how disgustingly skinny I am, and I try to eat, but I can’t and I hate it,”

“Does anything make it better?” the doctor asked, taking seat beside the couch that Rafael was currently on. He was writing things down on a pad of paper. Rafael didn’t even want to see his files on him, he didn’t like the labels that currently felt like they defined his life. PTSD, Gun shot victim, Rape Trauma Syndrome…..he could go on forever.

“If I’m not alone,” he said softly, sitting with his legs crossed. As he let his arms curl in around himself similarly, he realized it seemed defensive, but it helped to calm him slightly, “It’s better when Y/N can go with me, but I hate that she has to worry about me constantly. She has her own life, and I’m sick of consuming all of it,”

“How was your wedding?” Huang asked softly. Rafael smiled slightly at that reminder. That was one thing that wasn’t tainted. He had you, and you promised to never go anywhere. He just hoped he’d be able to keep you happy, and like always, he had serious doubts about himself.

“I feel better,” he admitted, “It was nice, to hear her promise to not leave me. We stayed home the next day and I took her to breakfast. I miss feeling normal,” He let his shoulders slump slightly, feeling childish and despairing. “I wish I could be there for her,”

“What do you mean by that Rafael?” George printed, his brow furrowed.

“She’s having a rough time with all this,” He whispered, “I think it’s overwhelming for her to see me in pain, and I hate hurting her,”

“Have you two talked this out?” Rafael sighed, wishing you’d hurry up and get there. He needed you to hold his hand.

“That’s why she’s coming. We were hoping you might help us, and I uh, I have something else I need to talk to you about. I just want Y/N here first,”

“Okay then, how about we talk more about this fear of outside then,” he said, allowing Rafael his request. “Is there a time of day that makes you more nervous?”

“The darker it is, the worse it gets, but I’m usually nervous all the time,” he whispered, his hand clutching at one of the pillows. He grabbed it, hugging it tight to himself, and trying to relax. “I try breathing exercises, counting, closing my eyes for a few seconds, anything I can think of, but it’s always bad,”

“Maybe for now you should try going out with someone. See if you can walk for a half hour with Y/N on her lunch break or maybe you could go for a walk with Liv or your mom. We’ll work on coping skills and some calming techniques again and see what we can do about this,” Huang said softly. Rafael nodded.

“My phone is ringing,” he whispered, pulling it out of his pocket, “I think Y/N might be here. Hello?”

“Hey Rafa,” your voice made him feel calmer, “I’m right outside, I’m coming in,”

“Okay, I’ll meet you at the front,” he said, slowly rising to his feet. He headed out to the door, opening it and the to the front, letting you in and leading you back to the office. You handed him a coffee, sitting down beside him. You kept your hands to yourself until he reached for you, intertwining his fingers with yours and resting them in his lap.

“Hi Dr. Huang, how are you today?” you asked softly. George laughed,

“Usually I’m asking patients those kind of questions. I’m well, thank you. I understand you both wanted to talk with me today. How are you doing?” he asked gently.

“Well, it’s hard,” you admitted, “He wakes up at night with nightmares, or he calls me because he’s terrified, and I want to make it better so badly. I hate seeing how much it hurts him. Everytime he cries, it’s like a piece of me breaks,”

“What do you do when you feel like that?” Huang asked, writing a few things down. Rafael’s eyes glanced from your face to the floor.

“I-I don’t know. I try to ignore it I guess because I need to help him. I need to be there for him and not get emotional,” you explained, “I don’t want to make it worse when he’s already upset,”

“Do you talk to anyone about it?” George asked softly. You shook your head, “Rafael, how does that make you feel?”

“Guilty,” he whispered, “I don’t want to cause Y/N any pain. I wish she didn’t have to worry about me,” Rafael squeezed your hand, staring at the floor. “I don’t know why you worry about me. I’m not worth your time,”

“Rafael,” you groaned, wishing he would listen to you, wishing he could find a way to believe you.

“Why do you feel that way Rafael?” George asked softly, sitting back. Rafael fidgeted in his seat, twitching with nerves.

“No one has ever loved me, not for real,” he whispered, “There has to be something wrong with me, a reason why. I don’t know how you haven’t realized that yet. It’s not that I don’t believe you, I just don’t understand. You tell me you love me, and I know--I know you mean it, but I don’t see myself as loveable,” He was crying now, warm tears streaming down his cheeks. You stroked his bicep gently with your free hand. You felt so helpless to make him understand.

“Doesn’t your mother love you?” George asked softly. Rafael made a face, wiping at his eyes.

“I-I guess, I don’t know,” he whispered, “She let….” he trailed off. You rubbed his back gently, little circles to soothe him.

“What about your father?” the psychiatrist prodded. You sighed, squeezing Rafael tight. Rafael clammed up almost immediately, his head dropping forward as wheezing sobs escaped him. “Rafael, this has to be coming from somewhere. I can’t help you unless I understand. Take a few breaths, I’ll get you some water, but I want to talk about this even if it’s painful,” He wasn’t sure how to answer that question, did his father love him? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t think he really even knew what it felt like to be loved. He loved you, he knew how to love, but he couldn’t comprehend another person caring about him that much.

“I’m so confused,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands. You rubbed his back some more. He let out a hiccuping noise that broke your heart. George brought him some water which he sipped and he tried very hard to calm down.

“Let’s come back to the origin of this, I want to ask you a question,” George finally said, trying to give Rafael some time to regain his composure. Rafael nodded, “What does love mean to you Rafael, what’s your definition?” He sniffled.

“I-I….I love Y/N, and when I think about my life without her, I can’t breathe. I want to be near her all the time, if something happens that’s bad or good or anything, I want to tell her. If she’s sad, it hurts me, if she gets hurt, I feel it,” he whispered. George nodded.

“I think Y/N feels the same way,” he looked to you.

“Rafael, you know I do. How many times have I told you to listen to me, not to the people who have hurt you. Would I lie to you?” you asked gently. He shook his head, eyes filled with tears,

“But why. I don’t understand,” he whispered. You stroked his cheek with the pad of your thumb, trying to think of how to convince him.

“Because you are the kindest man I have ever met Rafael. You take care of me, you love me, you make me happy. I think you’re hilarious and adorable. I could keep going,” you whispered.

“Does that sound like love to you?” Huang asked, looking at him. Rafael nodded, wiping his nose and his face. He was trembling. He knew he needed to tell Dr. Huang. He just couldn’t….it had been a secret for so long. He told you and Liv, but everytime he even thought about any of it, it was like a punch to the gut. It hurt him still, and he absolutely hated that. He felt ashamed and embarrassed. Lately, he always felt vaguely ill, but when he even thought about it, it was like he was going to throw up all himself and the floor. No one would ever look at him the same way. You probably didn’t look at him the same way. It was repulsive and disgusting and he shouldn’t have ever let it happen. He dug his nails into the palm of his hand, clenching so hard it hurt. He needed to scream, to lose it for a few minutes, so he stood up and started pacing, grabbing a pillow and throwing it. He felt useless and childish and so foolish, but he couldn’t help himself. “Rafael, come and sit down again,” George said gently. He was breathing hard, but he listened. He took a seat, gulping and breathing better. “What’s got you so distressed?” he asked gently. Rafael took a few more calming breaths before speaking. His voice was so soft and small.

“You asked me before if someone ever hurt me when I was younger,” he started. Here came the nauseous feeling. He was shaking like he was having seizure. “He always used to beat me when I was younger, no matter what I did, it was never good enough. He would hit me because I wet the bed or if I made a mess. He would hit me so hard, I would bleed and bruise, and I wouldn’t be able to go to school, and he beat my Mom. She didn’t do a thing about it, she didn’t leave him, and it makes me so, so angry,” You held him closely, kissing his shoulder and holding his hand. He was sniffing constantly, trying to calm down so he could talk clearly. “

“You’re angry with your mother,” he said softly, “Are you still angry or have you forgiven her?”

“I’ve tried to move on, to not be angry, but sometimes I still am,” Rafael admitted, “When I was six or seven, I was in my room and he came in. He asked me if I wanted to be a good boy for him, and I hoped that he wouldn’t hit me anymore if I agreed. I--I should never have said yes,”

“How could you know what that meant?” you whispered, “You were only a little boy Rafa, that’s not your fault,”

“He touched me,” he whispered, sobs making his chest heave, “It just kept getting worse and worse after that. I thought that maybe if I was quiet, if I laid still, he might love me then, but he still basically ignored me,”

“So your father didn’t love you, and that makes you believe you are unlovable,” George said gently, “Does that sound right?” Rafael nodded, his breath hitching in his throat.

“Why else would he do that to me? There has to be something wrong with me,” his voice was so soft, and you hated how much he was crying. He started heaving like he was going to throw up, but he got himself under control after a few minutes.

“Okay Rafael, alright,” George said softly, “It’s okay, shhh, how about you calm down and we’ll talk about this more another time. I think that’s enough excitement for you today. Y/N, I think maybe you should come back next time too. Before you leave, I want you to try and remember that none of this was your fault Rafael, it’s easier said than done. This week I want you to try and fight any train of thought that balmes yourself for what happened to you. I want you to look in the mirror in the morning and tell yourself that there was nothing you could do about it. You can help him,” Rafael nodded, and wiped his face again. You had to escort him out of the office and into a cab as he seemed to be in a state of shock or dissociation. You got him tucked into bed at home, calling in and letting Jerome know you wouldn’t be back in the rest of the day. Rafael needed you more. 


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here’s a little bit of smut and some steps foreward imo. I hope you guys like this chapter, let me know what you think ;)

Rafael was breathing softly against the back of your neck, pressing soft kisses to your skin. He had finally snapped out of his haze, and you wanted to hold him, but he was being odd about it. He had insisted on being the big spoon, and you weren’t about to deny him anything he wanted. His face was pressed against your hair, breathing in the smell of your shampoo that he loved, his arms curled around your waist, hands dipping under your shirt at times to rub against warm, smooth skin. “Raf, are you okay?” You asked softly. He didn’t answer right away, but his arms tightened considerably.

“Not really,” He finally breathed. His thumb started moving in circles against your hip bone, his body shifting even closer so he could mold himself against your back. “I wish it didn’t hurt so bad,”

“Me too Rafa,” you murmured. He kissed the side of your neck, shutting his eyes.

“Thank you for everything you’ve been doing. I couldn’t do this alone,” he whispered, “And I’m sorry I can’t get it through my head that you love me. It’s not your fault,” You turned over in his arms, cradling his cheek with your hand and resting your forehead to his,

“Don’t apologize. Just breathe. You’re okay,” you promised. You wiped a few lingering tears from his cheeks, leaning in to kiss him. He hesitated just a moment, but then he was desperately pulling you closer, his lips insistent against yours. You let him paw at you, feeling his tears drip onto your face. His hands slipped under your shirt, feeling the smooth skin of your stomach and sides, his soft breathing ghosting over your lips as he paused his assault on your mouth. “Raf, are you okay?” you asked, a bit breathlessly.

“Please, just help me forget,” he begged. You wiped a few tears from his cheeks, kissing his forehead,

“What do you need?” you asked gently. He laid still for a moment before clutching at your back and dragging you even closer,

“I need you,” he whispered.

“Are you sure?” you asked every so gently. He nodded, “What do you want me to do?” you were trying to give him all the control, to make him feel safe.

“I-I don’t know….I don’t know if I can handle….” he trailed off. You nodded, understanding.

“What if I blow you?” you asked softly, and he visibly responded, swallowing heavily before gulping. You smiled reassuringly, “Just tell me if you don’t like something I do, and I’ll stop right away,” He nodded. He was vaguely shaky, but he didn’t seem panicked, and you wanted to trust him to make these decisions. You stroked his cheek a few times before pulling on him so he would let his legs hang off the side of the bed. He resting on his elbows at first, watching you as you sunk down to your knees. You pulled his ratty shorts down that you had put on him after getting home. You could see his cock twitch through his boxers, but he wasn’t very hard. You gently pulled them down too, rubbing your hands down his muscular thighs and getting him to relax slightly. “Okay?” you asked, checking in. He nodded just slightly, and you pressed your lips to his lower belly, right above the coarse line of hair that trailed down from his navel. He let out a little noise, his hands bunching in the sheets. You were gently as you started giving him a couple strokes with your hand. He bucked his hips just slightly at the first touch, but then he laid still, letting out slight noises when you touched him. “Does that feel good Raf?” you asked softly. He nodded, looking at you with dark eyes. He was pulsing in your hand, growing hard. He was about half way there by the time you licked him from base to tip. He let out a loud groan.

“Fuck,” he whispered, “Nngh, cariño,” He blushed at the undignified sound that escaped his lips. You stroked your fingers down his quivering thighs, kissing up his shaft, and watching him carefully to try and ensure he was okay still. You just took the tip into your mouth, sucking lightly, and swirling your tongue around it. His hips jerked forward, letting out a loud breath, but then he was tapping your shoulder. You pulled off immediately, gently stroking his legs and trying to relax him. “Sorry, sorry,” he whispered, “I just need a second,”

“No apologizing,” you murmured, “It’s okay, take your time,” You sat back, waiting for him to be alright. He let himself fall flat on the bed, breathing softly. His hands started clenching convulsively in the sheets. “Rafael, listen to me, you’re safe here,”

“I know, I know, just tell my brain that,” he said softly, “Fuck, I hate her,”

“I know Rafa, I know, shh,” you muttered, sitting beside him, “Can I touch your hair?” he nodded, so you started running your fingers through his locks. He let out a shaky noise, breathing softly for a few moments before he nodded his head,

“Okay, alright,” he said softly. You nodded, moving back between his legs. He propped himself up again, watching you carefully as you started to suck him in. You were careful, taking it slow, but not too slow. He started panting, his hips rising off the bed just shallowly. “Fuck, you’re so gorgeous. Why are you so good to me?” You hummed softly, taking him in deeper before pulling up and running your tongue over his veins. He let out a whimper, his hand darting to your hair. “Uh, uh, oh my god,” He was definitely getting you diamond earrings. You deserved the world. He started shaking, tears pouring down his cheeks, but they were good tears. He loved you so much, gulping in air, feeling so emotional.

“Raf?” you asked gently, pausing.

“Don’t stop,” he begged, still heaving with soft cries. You patted his leg, resuming where you left off. Soon he was pulsing and crying out your name as he came. He gulped in breaths after that, laying there and shutting his eyes. “Five minutes,” he whispered, “Five minutes and I’ll do you,”

“No Rafa, not tonight,” you whispered, stroking his chest gently. He arched into your touch just slightly, snuggling into your side.

“I can,” he whispered,

“I don’t want you to, another time,” you assured him, pressing a soft kiss to his temple.

“Hold me,” he asked, still crying. You nodded, getting him to move up on the bed where you wrapped your arms around him. “I want my boxers,” you got them for him, helping him put them on.

“Anything else? Water?” you asked gently. He shook his head,

“Just you,” you smiled at his words, holding him once more and pulling a blanket over you both. He quickly went limp beside you, his whimpering breaths dying down to soft ones. You held him tight, feeling a tad drowsy yourself. You knew Gabriella was safe with Lucia, so you let yourself fall asleep holding onto him.

………………………………………………

You woke up first, finding Rafael still passed out beside you. He seemed absolutely exhausted. You carefully got out of bed, cleaning up the room and tucking Rafael in before heading to the kitchen. You were starving, and you knew Rafael would need to eat. You needed to pump soon too. You felt a little overwhelmed, but you took a breath, trying to sort out what was most important. You made dinner first, something easy that you knew Rafael would like. You had some leftover lechón from dinner a few nights before and Lucia brought you some nice homemade cuban bread, so you made Cubanos. Rafael made them a couple times before he eagerly showed you his Abuela’s recipe. You made one for yourself first, trying to put off waking Rafael up. You wanted it to be warm for him, but your dilemma was solved when you heard some shuffling coming from the bedroom. You made him a sandwich, calling to him that his food was there when he was ready. You sat on the couch and he appeared within a matter of minutes. He was only wearing his boxers, settling beside you on the couch and cuddling into your side. “Smells good,” he whispered breathily. You smiled, wrapping your arm around his shoulders. He leaned his head against you, snuggling up close and shutting his eyes again.

“You okay?” you asked softly. He shrugged, finally reaching for his plate, but curling up again afterwards. You didn’t mind holding him or comforting him, but you wanted to know what was wrong.

“M’okay, just a bad dream,” he whispered. You nodded running your fingers through his hair gently. He let out a shaky breath, but smiled. He took a bite of his food, letting out an audible moan. “That’s so good,” he whispered before adding with a smirk, “Who taught you this?”

“Oh shut up,” you said with a laugh. He smiled, taking another big bite. He practically devoured it, nodding when you asked if he wanted a second one. You made it for him, smiling when he started in on that one. You started pumping milk after you finished your food, watching what was on tv. Rafael finished his second sandwich, drinking some water before stretching out across your lap like a cat. You stroked a few fingers through his hair and down his back. He pulled your hand close, studying the way his ring sat on your finger, and you smiled. He still seemed in awe.

“Remind me to take you to the Bahamas when this is all over,” he whispered. You laughed, stroking your hand down his back and telling him he didn’t need to. “I want to Y/N, I love you so much,”

“I know you do,” you whispered back, “And I love you,”

“You love me,” he repeated, like he was trying to make himself believe it. When the door rang, he got up and answered it, carrying Gabriella in and holding her on the couch. She looked sleepy, like she’d had a long day. You smiled, watching your Rafael sing softly to her.

“Raf, her pediatrician appointment is soon,” you said softly, unsure if he remembered. You needed to get ready to leave. He nodded, slowly standing up and disappearing into the bedroom. When he came back out, he had on khakis and a button down with a sweater over top. He did his hair and got Gabriella in a plain white onesie and wrapped up tight in blanket for the trip. You got dressed, and then you were headed to the doctor’s office. Rafael was really jumpy in the waiting room, holding her close and talking to her softly. She sucked on her pacifier, looking up at him curiously. He was very hesitant to hand her over to the nurse when it was your turn. He held her tight, looking to you unsurely, but you nodded, so he relinquished his hold. Your pediatrician came in, smiling softly. Rafael was refusing to be very far from Gabriella, staying in the chair right next to her.

“Hi guys, how’s she been eating?” Dr. Karev asked. You liked him a lot as he had been nothing but kind to you both and amazing with Gabriella so far.

“Really well,” Rafael said softly, stroking her arm, “She definitely lets us know when she’s hungry,” The doctor laughed at that. He weighed her and measured her and took her vital signs. Rafael fretted everytime she made a noise, but he held himself together until the doctor mentioned vaccinations. You knew he definitely wanted her vaccinated, but he seemed nervous to let them give her a shot. “I-I don’t know,” he whispered, “I don’t want her to cry. What if she’s scared?”

“Raf, it’s for her own good baby, she won’t even remember,” you told him. He was trembling slightly, looking like this was the last thing he wanted.

“Can I hold her while you do it?” he asked softly. Dr. Karev nodded, so Rafael finally relented. He sat on the chair, cradling his baby in his lab and stroking her hair as they prepared the shots. The nurse helped him to hold her the best way possible, his arms holding her securely still and her legs held between his. He was gentle, looking down at her and promising her everything was going to be alright the whole time. When they pressed the needles into her leg, one at a time, he looked like he was going to cry, especially when she started wailing. It was over though, and he picked her up, bouncing her and apologizing and rubbing her back until she calmed down. He looked traumatized and distressed afterwards, wrapping her carefully in her blanket and holding her tight to him. It was good news though that she seemed healthy and was starting catch up growth wise. Rafael was barely talking though.

“Are you okay?” you asked softly. He shook his head.

“She’s in pain,” he whispered. She had her pacifier now and seemed fairly content.

“Raf, she seems alright to me,” you whispered. He glared, stroking her hair again.

“I’m so sorry mija,” he murmured kissing her head. He stayed like that until his phone started to   
ring. “Hello?” he asked softly.

“Rafael, it’s Liv. I have some news,” he frowned, worrying about what the news might be, “McCoy authorized a subpoena for an amnio, should only be a few hours until we find out okay?” The phone slipped out of his hand and clattered to the floor. 


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise this is almost over 

He sat shell shocked for awhile, and you had to nudge him out of the cab and up to your apartment. He took a seat on the couch, staring straight ahead. You took Gabriella from his arms, getting her a bath and ready for bed. Once she was down, you returned to check on him, but he was still unresponsive. You heard a knock on the door, so you left him for a second to go see who was there. When you opened the door, Sonny, Liv, and Amanda were waiting. “Fin’s with Larson,” Liv explained. You let them in, “How is he?”

“Not good. He hasn’t said a word since you called,” you said softly. Liv went straight to the living room, and you watched as she got him to head back to the bedroom where they could talk in private. You sat on the couch tiredly, letting your head drop into your hands. Sonny was beside you in minutes,

“You okay?” He asked softly, and you shook your head. Sonny rubbed your back and Amanda brought you some tea. You couldn’t help the few tears that escaped.

“What are we going to do if it’s his?” You whispered, “He’s going to want to be part of the baby’s life, and getting full custody will be a real battle,”

“Not if she goes to jail,” Sonny commented.

“Yeah, and how likely is that?” You whispered bitterly, “And even if she does, there will be visitation and Rafael is going to be miserable,”

“Okay, take a breath Y/N,” Amanda said gently, rubbing your arm. You sipped the warm liquid, but you didn’t feel better. You wanted this to all be over, you wanted the incredible weight of Rafael’s pain to be lifted from his shoulders. Sonny pulled you against him where you let yourself cry for a few moments. Dr. Huang And Rafael both wanted you to talk with someone about your feelings or find some way to deal with them, and you thought that was as good a way as any. You didn’t let it go on for long though because you knew you needed to calm down and be there for Rafael. You wiped our eyes, standing up to go find him. He was sitting on the bed, Liv’s arm around him as he sucked in rapid breaths. She was clearly trying to talk him down and comfort him. He would nod every few seconds at her words, but the tears still rolled down his cheeks.   
  
“Rafa,” You said softly from the door, “Can I get you anything?” When he looked up at you, there was heartbreak and unbelievable suffering in his eyes. He shook his head, looking down and sniffling,

“We need to get him to the ME’s office. Melinda has to take the DNA swab herself to compare,” Liv said. Rafael got up to his feet shakily, swiping at his tears. He froze after a few steps,

“S-She won’t be there will she?” he asked nervously, his eyes wide, “I don’t want to see her,”

“I’ll call on the way. We’ll try and keep her away from you,” Liv promised. Rafael nodded, walking out toward the door and putting shoes on. He was waiting there when you came out.

“Do you want me to come with you Rafael?” you asked softly. He shook his head, stepping closer to you and pressing his lips to yours,

“I’ll call you on the way home, but I shouldn’t be too long,” he told you, wiping at his face again.

“Either way, we’ll make this work okay,” you promised him. He nodded, sniffling and kissing you one more time before he left with Liv who was guiding him with a hand on his back.

……………………………………………

Rafael sat in the passenger seat, terrified as Liv drove. He was on the brink of sobbing again, but he was currently managing to keep his composure. Liv gently squeezed his thigh, but he couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t see the concern in her eyes, so he leaned his warm face against the cool window, watching the passing buildings. He was shaking softly, wishing he didn’t have to do this. He wanted to be home with Gabriella, holding her and comforting her, pressing ice to her leg so it didn’t hurt. He hated watching her cry; it had broken his heart. He didn’t want Gabriella to ever feel a fraction of the pain he endured throughout his life.

“Rafa. We’re here,” Liv said gently. Rafael gulped, climbing out of the car, body shaking as he walked with Liv. She hooked her arm through his, ensuring he wouldn’t pass out. She guided him through the hallways until he was sitting in a cold room, shivering as he waited. He signed a few papers that Liv helped him to decipher. He was staring blankly at the wall, images of a baby running through his head. You would do your best to never treat it differently, but there would always be that resentment, the knowledge that it was unwanted. He would love his child, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to look at it without remember what happened to him, without remembering her. He didn’t want that for a child that couldn’t help any of it. That baby would be innocent but tainted. What would even happen, would he have to sit with her during birth? Would he have to take his child to visit her in prison or worse, would he have to fight for visitation because she got off scott free? He could just imagine trying to explain this to his mother, trying to explain why he had another child, seemingly out of nowhere. It made him feel ill. “Rafael,” Liv’s soft voice pulled him back to reality. He blinked, feeling disoriented and distressed, “Melinda is here,”

“Hi Mr. Barba,” Melinda said kindly, but Rafael didn’t like the formality.

“You can call me Rafael,” he whispered tiredly, his voice breaking slightly.

“Okay Rafael, I’m just going to do a couple quick swabs of your cheeks and we’re all done here,” she told him, pulling out a package with the sticks. Rafael swallowed before opening his mouth for her. She scraped the swab across the inside of his cheek, sealing it and repeating. By the end of it, his emotions had gotten the best of him and he was desperately trying to hide his sobs. It was embarrassing, but he couldn’t help himself. Liv cradled him against her, his hand uselessly grabbing at her jacket.

“I can’t--how…” he clammed up. He didn’t even have words to ask the many questions that were racing through his mind. “Liv,”

“I know Rafa, I know,” she whispered, “Try and breathe,” He started scraping and scratching at his arms desperately, but Liv pulled his hand away as he started to draw blood. “Shhh, you’re alright Rafael, I promise. I’m going to help you. You won’t ever have to see her again. Not after the trial,” He nodded against her. He knew that wouldn’t completely fix the problem, but it did alleviate some of his worries. Liv got him back up to his feet, helping him toward the car. He held on tight to her hand, chest heaving. He was almost to the door when Fin came around the corner, with her in front of him. Rafael stopped dead in his tracks,

“You want to feel our little guy?” she asked him, trying to step toward him, but Fin grabbed her tight, and held her back. Liv stepped in front of him as well. Rafael was shaking, his eyes glued to the visible baby bump that protruded under her shirt.

“Little guy?” he squeaked.

“I just know it’s gonna be a little boy. He’ll look just like you,” she had barely enough time to get that out before Liv cut her off,

“That’s enough,” she said sharply, “Come on Rafael, let’s go,”

“Your boss lady’s got you by the balls doesn’t she?” her voice followed him as he stomped outside. All he could look at was the floor, letting all the other voices fade into nothing. He burst out into the cold night air, his chest feeling tight as he stumbled forward. He could barely breathe. He collapsed down to his knees, the cold of the pavement seeping through his pants and seemingly right through his skin. He lurched forward, losing the contents of his stomach all over the cold ground. He spit a few times, gagging before dragging himself over to the wall where he leaned. He rested his head against his knees and just sat there.

“No, no, no,” he whimpered to no one in particular. It was just too much.

“Rafael,” he jumped. He hadn’t even realized Liv was there at all. “Rafael, shh, you’re alright,”

“I’m alright,” he murmured breathlessly, wanting to believe the words.

“You’re alright, now let’s get you home. It’s cold out here,” she whispered. He hadn’t even noticed the water that soaked through his pants and he was apparently shivering on the ground as rain poured over him. Liv was kneeling on the ground beside him, surely getting soaked herself, and then he felt awful. He nodded, letting her get him in the car and buckle him in. When he walked in the door of the house, you stood up, looking worried as you took in his appearance.

“Oh Rafael, what happened?” you asked softly. He wordlessly closed the distance, tucking his face against your shoulder and reveling in the feeling of your hand running over his back.

“M’sorry I didn’t call,” he whispered, “I couldn’t breathe, and I--I don’t even know what’s going on anymore,”

“Shh, I know, I’m not upset. Here, let’s get you changed into something comfy and I’ll make you some hot chocolate and we’ll sit in the living room by the fire until we get the news,” you told him, starting to direct him toward the bedroom. Liv and Sonny offered to start the fire for you while you helped him get dry and warm. Rafael let you pull his sweater off, followed by carefully unbuttoning his shirt and leaving him shivering and bare from the waste up. He held his arms up so you could get him in a soft tee shirt. Next came the khakis, “Do you want boxers or pants or….” you trailed off, not wanting to overwhelm him.

“I’ve always wanted to sit in a room with all my colleagues just in my underwear,” he said dryly, but his voice was soft and tear filled. You laughed softly, stroking your fingers down his face. You got him a pair of boxers, figuring he would be comfortable in that. You weren’t sure if he seriously didn’t want to go out there like that or he was just teasing you, so you offered him a plaid pair of flannel pajama bottoms, but he waved them off. He let you towel his hair dry, getting him out to the living room. He sat on the couch, and you wrapped him up in a fuzzy blanket.

“Can you stay with him while I go in the kitchen?” you asked Liv. She nodded. You warmed up some milk, mixing hot chocolate powder into it. You poured him a mug and brought it out. He held the warm cup in his hands, sipping at it and curling his legs under him. Liv was right beside him, patting his ankle where it jutted out from under the fluffy blanket. You sat on his other side, holding him tight, fingertips tracing his vertebrae as you ran them down his neck and brushing his hair every few seconds. He was silent.

“Whaddya say we watch a movie?” Sonny asked, and you looked to Rafael. He nodded. Amanda had left to go home and take care of Jessie when her babysitter called. Sonny put on a comedy, and it felt good to laugh. Rafael laughed too at certain points, quietly leaning against you at others. Liv held his hand when he finished his drink. When Gabriella started to cry, Sonny went and got her, bringing her out and rocking her. Rafael sat still for a few minutes, but then he started to sit up,

“I want her,” he whispered. Sonny nodded, bringing her to him. Rafael held her close, brushing the blanket back and looking at her leg. “It’s swelling,” he whispered.

“Do you want me to get some ice?” Liv asked softly, and he nodded, running his finger just barely over the warm, raised flesh. He gratefully took the ice, running it over her leg.

“Shhh, that’s right. Daddy has you,” he whispered. You leaned in, fingers scraping over his scalp gently, your other hand resting on his arm.

“Liv said you threw up, do you want something to eat?” you asked. He shrugged. You brushed a loose lock of hair from his face, pressing your lips to his temple. In the kitchen, you found some yogurt in the fridge that you brought him. Rafael reluctantly handed Gabriella to Liv, taking the yogurt and leaning into your arms as he ate a few bites of it. “Rafael, we need to talk about this,” you whispered.

“Don’t make me, I don’t want to,” he whispered. You couldn’t force him to talk to you, and you didn’t want to cause him anymore unnecessary pain, so you just nodded. He relaxed some, starting to drift off when Liv’s phone started blaring. There was an air of suspense as Liv pulled it out of her pocket. You could feel Rafael trembling as she brought it up to her ear,

“Benson,” she said softly. Even her voice sounded somber, “Melinda, yes I’m with him now,” She listened for a few minutes, and you tried to read her facial expression. “Okay, okay. You’re sure?” Your heart sunk, you had a bad feeling. “Okay, thanks,” She hung up, and Rafael pushed himself up to a sitting position, looking at Liv, his lip quivering. She pursed her lips, and with that one look, you knew the bad news. 


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hoping to post last night but shit just went crazy at my house. My older brother is struggling with some sort of mental illness that has suddenly manifested. He started acting odd Tuesday’s I guess but last night he was really freaking me out she. I was talking to him so I didn’t end up being able to post. Today has been a lot worse. I’m not sure what’s going to be happening/what time I’ll have to write. Hopefully it doesn’t change much but if I disappear for days at a time, it probably has something to do with that. Sorry about eh long rambling about my personal stuff, I just wanted to give you guys a heads up. Hopefully this isn’t too bad....I’m very tired.

Liv didn’t even have to say it. He knew. He felt like he was underwater, voices around him sounding muffled. He stood up, walking over to the fireplace and collapsing down on the floor into a heap, weeping softly. This couldn’t be happening to him. He felt someone touching him, but that just made it worse so he jerked away; starting to rock as he tried not to lose it. “Rafa,” he knew that was your voice, but he couldn’t even bring himself to look you in the eyes; he got another woman pregnant. How could you even talk to him?

“Rafael, hey,” That he recognized as Liv’s voice. “Take a breath, in for four, out for four,”

“I can’t,” he whispered, letting you wrap him up tight in your arms and rock him back and forth.

“It’s going to be okay Rafael, I promise,” you whispered by his ear, “We will figure this out,”

“Everyone is here for you Rafa,” Liv whispered, taking his hand. He squeezed her’s back. He dropped his head back against your shoulder, sobs ripped from his throat. He was shaking, throat constricting as he thought about the implications of what happened. “Shhh, you’re okay. Try to calm down,”

“Raf, it’s okay sweetheart. I’m right here. I love you,” you murmured by his ear, rubbing gentle circles on his chest. You kissed right under his ear, holding him flush to your chest. He sobbed and sobbed, breaths hitching in his throat. Sonny gave you some space with him, rocking Gabriella in her room. Rafael was shaking like a leaf, making soft noises that broke your heart.

“I-I need help. Call Dr. Huang, please, I-I need him,” Rafael begged, grabbing at your hand. You nodded, kissing his shoulder before digging your phone from your pocket. You quickly dialed up Dr. Huang, briefly explaining the situation. He promised to be over within twenty minutes,

“He’s coming Rafa, for now just try and relax. I know you’re scared, and I know it feels like your world is ending, but you’re going to be alright,” you murmured, tightening the hold you had on him. Liv brought him some water. He sipped at it obediently, but started coughing and sputtering almost immediately. You got him to lay on the couch, a cold pack on his forehead to try and help the headache he was complaining of. He seemed dazed and out of it, and you were grateful when Liv offered to sit with him while you composed yourself. You needed a moment to calm down and think. Rafael was going to need guidance and support, and he was going to be in a blind panic, so you needed to take care of him. The first thing you needed to do was call Rita. When you were able to take a few deep breaths, you went back out to find him passed out half on top of Liv’s lap. She stroked her fingers through his hair as he laid limply, his chest barely rising and falling.

“He finally calmed down enough to sleep,” she said softly. “Do you have any idea what you’re going to do next?”

“I’m going to call Rita Calhoun, but first, we need to talk to Rafael and figure out exactly what he wants. This is his child, and I want him to be able to think and decide,” you whispered, “The paternity has been established legally, but we’ll probably want to wait until after the trial to file for custody,” It was exhausting even thinking about it. Not to mention imagining a second child in your home as Gabriella was plenty to handle on her own.

“This is crazy, he doesn’t deserve any of this. Rafael is the kindest, most decent man I know, and his whole life has been pain,” Liv whispered, looking down at him sadly.

“He is so strong, and he doesn’t even know it,” you said softly, looking at him, at his relaxed face as he slept. “He thinks, he thinks he’s worthless, he asks me how I can love him. I don’t know how to prove to him that I love him more than anything in the world because he is amazing,” Liv sighed, stroking his hair again. You knelt beside him, kissing his hand that was hanging off the couch. You wanted to hold him tight and rock him, and make everything that hurt disappear so you could see a glimpse of the funny, charming man that stole your heart. You wanted to see him happy.

……………………….

The doorbell is what jolted Rafael awake. He practically jumped out of his skin, catapulting off the couch. He looked so small and pale when you smiled at him, he looked broken. He was avoiding your gaze, looking at the forgotten blanket. “Y/N,” he finally whispered, his eyes sparkling with unshed tears as he looked up at you. You wrapped your arms around him, around his shoulders, kissing his forehead and holding him as he cried. “Tell me somehow this will be okay,”

“It will Rafael, I promise,” you whispered while Liv answered the door. “Dr. Huang is here, and I think we should all talk about what’s going to happen now. I think you’ll feel better with a plan okay?” He nodded, letting you wipe tears from his face. You sat on the couch beside him, holding his hand in yours and waited for Dr. Huang.

“I came as fast as I could,” he said softly, taking a seat, “Rafael, I heard what happened. Are you okay?”

“No,” Rafael whispered, “I’m terrified. What are we going to do?”

“Rafa, what do you want to do?” you asked softly. Liv brought him a glass of water which he took with a soft smile.

“I don’t know,” he finally admitted, “I don’t want to ignore my child, but it tears me apart inside that it’s her child too. I don’t want to take it to visit her in prison or god forbid only get visitation while she has custody. And what about you?” he turned to look at you.

“What about me Rafi, this is your choice and I’m going to respect it either way,” you promised him.

“Could you ever really love a child that isn’t yours? My child with another woman Y/N,” he whispered.

“I know it’s her child too Rafael, but this baby will be a part of you, and I will treat him or her like they are my own. I love you, and I will love them. I promise,” you told him gently, hoping that would alleviate some of his fear, “She hurt you, none of this is your fault,”

“I wish I was dead,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands. You rubbed his back, trying not to cry. It hurt you to see how upset he was.

“I’m glad you aren’t,” you said softly.

“Rafael,” Liv said, drawing his attention, “I think the real question here is do you want to sue for custody of the baby?” Rafael shook, his trembling hand running through his hair. He shut his eyes, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. He leaned into your arms, wiping at tears on his cheeks. He grabbed at you as the sobs began to wrack his small frame, hands clutching at your shirt.

“Rafael, I want you to try and ignore all the problems surrounding this. Don’t think of anyone, but yourself. If you knew you could have sole custody, no visitation, no anything, would you want it?” Dr. Huang asked softly. Rafael sniffled wetly, still crying. His voice was warped by the heart wrenching hiccups.

“I want my child,” he finally decided, “I want it to know I love it,”

“Okay darling, that’s all I needed to know,” you whispered, kissing the top of his head. “I’m going to call Rita in the morning, she’ll know what to do with this. Paternity has been established legally already, so that step is taken care of,”

“What if she does get visitation,” he whispered.

“I will take care of it,” Liv said softly, “I’ll take the kid to go see her for the two hours whatever they give her,” Rafael looked at her gratefully, tears sparkling in his eyes.

“How am I supposed to explain to a child that their mother raped me? Adults don’t even believe me, and what about Gabriella,” he whispered.

“We all believe you Rafael,” you whispered, “And you can wait until they’re older and they’ll understand. We will figure that out together and I think Dr. Huang might help when it comes time,”

“Of course I will Rafael,” George told him.

“I feel sick,” Rafael groaned, standing up and starting to stagger toward the bathroom. You helped him in there, and he laid curled up on the ground, trying not to throw up everywhere. He couldn’t help it though, he started heaving and grabbing the white porcelain to steady himself as he gagged and retched. You soothed him with soft words and touches, promising he was okay. Afterwards, he threw his arms around your neck, clinging and pushing his face against your neck. “I’m scared,” he whispered, “I need you,”

“I’m not going anywhere Rafa, and I promise everything will turn out okay,” you said softly, holding him tight. “I’ve got you,”

“I think I need some time to think,” he whispered, “Can I-Can I be alone for a little bit?” You kissed his face, helping him up and getting him some water before you left him alone in the bedroom. You went back out to the living room where Liv and Huang were.

“He wanted to be by himself for a little bit,” you explained.

“He probably needs some time to think and try and sort out how he’s feeling,” George said with a sigh, “This is probably going to make his recovery slow down some. He has a hard road ahead of him,”

“I know,” you whispered, “How can she do this to him? We have to get custody or he’s going to be a mess,”

“Y/N, you know how hard it can be. This trial is even that much more important now,” Liv sighed. “It’s not fair, but it’s where we’re at,”

“When even is the trial?” you asked softly with a loud sigh.

“Things are moving kind of slowly because of this whole pregnancy debacle, but I believe motions hearings are starting in a week or two,” Liv said softly.

“Yeah, I don’t remember who the ADA is on the case, but they said with her pregnancy, it could complicate the trial and I’m not sure what’s going to happen,” Sonny said from the kitchen where he was walking around with Gabriella. “I sent them her interrogation tapes and all that,”

“I’ll call McCoy,” you said softly, “I’ll sit down and talk with him, see what I can do,”

……………………………………….

Rafael sat huddled on his bed, resting his face against his knees. He was tightly wrapped in blankets to try and keep himself calm, to try and feel safe and protected. He felt like his world was turned upside down, like he was drowning. “Why,” he whispered to no one in particular, “Why me,” He felt tears leaking down his cheeks, dripping onto his arms and thighs. He wasn’t sure what he was possibly going to do. He knew you were right, that somehow you would try and figure this out for him, but he wasn’t sure how anything could ever be okay again. How was he supposed to feel normal, knowing the one person who managed to fuck up his life as much as his father was now carrying his child. It should have been you. With all the trouble you had getting pregnant and having Gabriella, it wasn’t fair. It had only been once, but because he had obviously pissed off some omnipotent force, that was enough to screw his life up all over again. It was just the icing on the cake because of course. Why not. Everything else had been taken from him already, why not just crush him. He wiped at his eyes, but he did remind himself that he still had you, and he still had Gabriella. You were his constant, his rock in the storm that consumed his life. He was gulping in breaths, clutching at his blanket and praying, actually praying for the first time in a very long time. Begging may have been a better word for it. He begged God or anyone who was listening that he would close his eyes and then wake up and everything would be normal again. How the hell was he supposed to do this? He needed you, he wanted you, but he also wanted to be able to think straight. When he looked at you, all he could think about was how you must feel. How disappointed you must be in him. You finally had your own little family, and he managed to fuck it all up. He wanted to believe you that you would love the baby, but he was so repulsed by the whole situation, he didn’t understand how you weren’t.

He rocked back and forth, staring at the wall. Everything hurt so bad. He couldn’t get the image of her, of that woman standing there, her swollen belly holding his attention as she asked if he wanted to feel their baby. He remembered the white panic in his head as he tried to hold off on coming. She had forced it from him, just like she forced the drugs into his bloodstream. A knock startled him. “Rafael, hey, I know you said you wanted to be alone, but I just wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything,” Liv poked her head in the room. He couldn’t even answer, a broken noise forcing its way from his throat. Liv came all the way in, “Can I come sit down beside you?” He nodded. Liv sat down, pulling her legs up on the bed too, and Rafael stared straight ahead. Liv rubbed his back, but she didn’t touch him otherwise or make him feel trapped which he appreciated. He leaned his head onto Liv’s shoulder, and her arm curled around his waist, pulling him closer.

“This doesn’t feel real,” he whispered, “It feels like some sick dream,”

“I know,” Liv murmured. There wasn’t much she could say to make him feel better. “Do you want Y/N?”

“No, I just need some time,” he reiterated. He was quiet for awhile, lost in thought, but then he looked up, “Can I hold Gabriella?” Liv smiled and went to get her for him. He looked much happier with her in his arms, holding her and promising everything was going to be okay. 


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is no where near as long as I was hoping but I’m getting slammed with work and drama and school so here’s about half of what I wanted to write for tonight :,( I hope you guys enjoy, I’m skeptical of there being a chapter tomorrow since I work late

Rafael started pacing. He felt tense and shaky. “Rafa, baby, breathe,” He held up a hand, trying not to break down. “Rafael, come on,” You stood up, gently putting your hands on his shoulders, stilling him. “Look at me,” His eyes stayed glued to the ground, “Look at me Rafael,” A soft hand on his jaw to redirect his gaze to yours, and he managed a small smile for you. His eyes were sparkling with tears. “I love you,”

“I love you too,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around you.

“I need to go, are you going to be okay on your own for this?” you asked softly. He shrugged, but then he nodded. You started to pull back, but he squeezed you tighter, his face pressing against your neck, sniffling and grabbing at you. “I know sweetheart,” You rubbed circles onto his back. “I’ll see you in a couple hours, it’s alright baby,”

“Okay,” he whispered, “S’posed to be an ultrasound today. Liv said I could go watch through some glass or something. I--I….” he trailed off.

“Think about it, you have a couple hours,” you whispered, “I’ll go with you if you want,” You rubbed his back some more, kissing his cheek, “Liv is gonna come pick you up with Noah and Gabriella and then you guys are going to get dinner. Then you can decide what you want to do. Call me if you decide to go. I’ll meet you there,”

“Did you call Rita?” he whispered. You nodded.

“She’s gonna meet with us this evening,” you told him gently. He looked overwhelmed, but he sighed and finally let go,

“Okay. I guess I should go in,” he whispered. You looked carefully at his face. Your morning had been long. Rafael laid in bed for hours, curled up under the blankets.

_You walked in the room and there he was, a lump under the covers just like the last time you checked. He needed to be up soon. “Rafa,” you whispered. He stirred slightly, “Rafael, come on,” He turned over, refusing to look at you. You put a hand on his back, but he shoved his face under a pillow. You sat beside him, but he refused to look at you. You put a hand in the middle of his back, rubbing small circles and trying to relax him. His skin still felt warm from sleep when you touched the back of his neck, fingers pressing into his muscles. “Please Raf, we need to go soon,”_

_“No,” his voice was muffled from under the pillow._

_“Rafael, sweetheart, please. I’m begging you,” you murmured. He let out a loud sigh._

_“Why should I,” he whispered, “I’ll just want to kill myself anyways,” You rubbed his back softly for a few moments, considering how bad it would be to miss this appointment, but you knew it was really bad._

_“Rafa, you need to get up. I’m sorry you’re having a bad morning,” you told him, “I need you to try, for me, to get up baby. You have a doctor’s appointment that you can’t miss,” He was stubborn though and apparently was feeling very poorly._

_“Leave me alone Y/N,” he whispered. You pulled at his blanket, but he was stubborn and you ended up half on top of him, laughing. He started laughing softly, but it was a shallow laugh, underlying pain accompanying it. You wanted to hold him and make it all better. He finally snapped and got up, stomping off to the bathroom where he banged around for awhile. You sat on the bed for a few minutes, head in your hands, wishing you could help. He was so depressed. When he came back in the bedroom, he looked a little sheepish, but he didn’t say much. He got dressed and then trailed you out of the house. He didn’t even hold Gabriella. The closer you got to the hospital, the more distressed he became. He started breathing heavily, his hand clenching in his lap. “I can’t do this Y/N,” he whispered, “I can’t,” his voice was distorted by tears, “I fucking can’t. I can’t go in there, please don’t make me,” You weren’t even there yet and he was freaking out._

_“Rafa, breathe please,” you said gently. He was letting out soft sobs, curling up against the door. He didn’t want to even see the hospital again._

_“No, no, no, no,” he just kept whispering that over and over again, “Fuck, I can’t breathe. Fuck, no, no, she’s gonna--I can’t go in there again,”_

_“Rafael,” you held your hands up, coming closer to him after you parked. “Okay, let’s get out of the car and talk rationally, count your breaths,” He obediently started to count softly, trying to calm down, but he was absolutely panicking. He grabbed you, his hands going to your waist, pulling you tight against him so he could calm down. His breaths were ragged and heavy against your neck, his hands tightening. “Rafael, look at me. You’re okay. She’s at Rikers, she is not here. You are okay,”_

_“No I’m fucking not,” he exploded, “Nothing is okay. Everything is fucked up, and I can’t do this anymore,” He had stalked off to compose himself, and when he returned, he seemed a little better, “I guess if I have to,” he whispered bitterly. He was barely looking at you. You sighed, giving him space. He sat silently in the waiting room by Gabriella’s car seat. He was shaking so hard you thought he was having a seizure when you finished checking him in, but he wasn’t reacting well when you touched him, so you left him alone._

  
He had calmed down and forgiven you later. You had to talk him into going to his therapy session which he didn’t want to do at all. You waved goodbye as he went in the door, hoping he would feel better later when you saw him after work.

……………………………..

Rafael walked in the door, shaking slightly. He felt so confused. His emotions were running rampant, leaving him unsure and unsteady on his feet. One second he felt hopeless, like his whole life was over and he was doomed and then the next he would be angry and explode on you. He hated making you sad or hurting you, so he tried to hold it in but that was just bottling it up until he couldn’t take it anymore. He sat down in the chair, waiting for Dr. Huang.

“Hey Rafael,” he said softly when he came in, “How are you feeling?” Rafael smiled weakly, but the tears were already building up in his eyes. He hated how weak he was feeling, how pathetic. He wanted to feel okay again. What he wouldn’t give to just feel like had a mere week before. It had been better than this.

“Not so great,” he whispered, “I’m scared and angry, and I feel hopeless,” Huang frowned when Rafael started pulling at his sleeves, looking guilty.

“Are you cutting again?” he asked softly. Rafael sighed,

“I did, just once. It was a couple days ago though, and I haven’t done it since. I showed Y/N, and I wrote about it in my journal,” he admitted after a few moments. Huang nodded,

“That’s good that you have been keeping it under control,” he said, “Keep employing those strategies and I think you will stop feeling the urge to hurt yourself soon,”

“I don’t know how to feel at all anymore. It’s like all of my emotions are overwhelming me at once and I can’t handle it,”

“I know it hurts and you’re feeling overwhelmed, and I’m sorry,” George said softly, “What do you want to talk about today? What is hurting you right now?”

“I had a nightmare last night,” he whispered, “I get them a lot now. My Dad….I would lay in bed and I could hear him yelling and screaming and cursing, but then it would go quiet. I’d hear my door open and he’d come and sit on the bed, rub my back for a few minutes to try and keep me calm. He’d remind me to stay quiet as he peeled the blanket back. He hurt me so bad. I was so little,”

“Rafael, who have you told about this?” George asked softly.

“You, Y/N, Liv,” he said softly.

“How long did it go on?” the psychiatrist asked after a brief silence. Rafael shrugged, he hated talking about this. It made him so uncomfortable, but he knew he needed to.

“A long time,” he whispered. “He would get nice and drunk every time and I would just take it. I was scared he’d beat the crap out of me if I complained. He would threaten to tell my mom ‘what I’d done’ if I wasn’t good for him,”

“This might hurt to talk about, but how far did he take it with you?” George asked softly. Rafael looked away, his throat stinging with a sudden onset of tears. He sat there for awhile, quietly, trying to pull himself together enough to answer the question.

“He raped me,” he finally whispered, “I don’t even know when the first time was. I remember it, but I have no idea how old I was,”

“Do you think you could talk to me about it more specifically or would that be too much right now?” George asked softly. Rafael shut his eyes, sniffling and taking a deep breath.

“I can try,” He whispered. He shifted around nervously in the chair. This was something he had never done before. He hadn’t even told you specifics because he couldn’t bring himself to make you experience those emotions. “What do you want to hear?” Where was he even supposed to start? So much happened, years and years of abuse.

“Is there anything you’ve been thinking about especially?” He asked softly. Rafael shrugged. “Do you want to tell me about when it first started then?”

“Sure,” Rafael said softly. He took a few more deep breaths, trying to keep himself calm, “I—I was six or seven. I was always scared of him because he would just wail on me. I don’t know if he hated me, or if he thought I ruined his life or what, but he would just beat the living hell out of me any chance he got. He was a drunk, and I’ll never forget the way he smelled, like booze and cigarettes,” he had to pause at that. Even thinking about that smell, the sweat, he was on the precipice of throwing himself into a full force breakdown.

“Breathe, you’re in my office and it’s all over Rafael,” George reminded him gently. Rafael nodded, trying to keep calm. He could feel those sheets against his body, the uncomfortable chafing of his skin, the way he was trapped in place, his little eyes squeezed shut as he tried to pretend he wasn’t terrified.

“He—He said my name, so soft, so gentle and I had been afraid he would be angry I was still awake, but he sat on my bed and rubbed my back and asked me if I wanted to ‘be a good boy’ for him. I—I said yes….I shouldn’t have,” Rafael said softly.

“Rafael, you’re blaming yourself again for things you had no control over,” George said softly, “Whether you said yes or not, he was going to molest you and furthermore you could not have known what you were saying yes to. He was an adult, your father, and you trusted him to an extent as all children do,”

“He kissed my face a couple times, whispering to me that I should be quiet, and then he kissed me on the lips, and I started to—I knew it was wrong. I started to try and ask him to stop, but he told me to quiet down and relax. He pulled my pants down, and—and….oh god,” he had to stop, feeling like he was going to throw up. He let out a few shaky breaths before continuing. “He fondled me, his face pressed into my hair. He was kissing me and holding me down. I started crying and he told me to shut up or he’d tell my mom,”

“Did that scare you?” Huang asked softly. Rafael nodded.

“I don’t want her to hate me,” he whispered, “I know she will if I tell her. I was always terrified he’d tell her what happened,”

“You don’t think she’d support you?” George asked gently. Rafael shrugged.

“She wouldn’t understand. She calls me every year to go visit his grave,” he whispered, “I can just hear what she’d say if I told her…. ‘ _Rafi, how could you say that about your father?! How could you disrespect his memory like that and lie?_ ’ She wouldn’t believe me,”

“Okay, take a breath, you’re alright here. That’s it. Calm down,” Huang said softly, “I think she might surprise you Rafael, and either way, I think it would be good for you to tell her. Hiding this your whole life contributes to your stress. If you want to feel better, I think telling your mother would be a very big step. I can be there if you want, I’m sure Y/N would be there with you,”

“No, no, I don’t think—” He was starting to hyperventilate, “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I—I can’t do that,”

“Rafael, look at me. Have I steered you wrong? Look at me, you’re alright. I promise,” George said gently. Rafael sniffled and shook his head, starting to calm down. “You don’t have to right away. Think about it,” Huang quickly steered the subject toward the pregnancy.

“She’s supposed to have an ultrasound today. Y/N wants to know if I want to go….” He whispered, trailing off and closing his eyes like it hurt his head even to think about it.

“Do you want to go?” George asked softly.

“Not really,” Rafael already had tears in his eyes, “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to resent the baby, I don’t want to blame an innocent child for something that isn’t it’s fault, but all I can think about is what she did to me,”

“Don’t beat yourself up. It’s still fresh Rafael, and no one says you have to do anything. You do have a choice,” George told him softly.

“I want to be there for the baby, I don’t want to be like my Dad. I can’t let her raise my child. I just can’t do that,” he whispered. “And if I—if I go and I hear the heartbeat, there’s no going back. It’s real. It feels like some sick dream that I’m trapped in, but if I hear that, then it’s real,”

“I know it’s really tough right now Rafael, but you are going to make it through this. I believe in you,” George said softly, “Let’s talk some more about your father if you can,”

“Okay.” 


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I needed a couple days. I’m quite exhausted so this is kind of short but it was either a little bit tonight or absolutely nothing sooo thanks for being patient with me so far

  
Liv was waiting outside for him when his therapy appointment was over. He climbed into her car, still feeling shaky and upset. It was good to talk through things, but sometimes it was really hard for him to talk about certain memories or issues. He settled in his seat, looking over his shoulder and smiling at Noah and Gabriella. “Hey,” Liv said kindly, “You good?” He nodded, buckling himself in and quietly looking out the window as she drove. “Are you hungry?”

“Yeah actually,” he said softly.

“Alright good cause I’m starving, how about you Noah?” Liv replied.

“Can I sit next to Uncle Rafa at the restaurant?” he asked excitedly. Liv laughed and Rafael couldn’t help but smiling.

“Sure Noah,” Rafael said softly.

“How was your doctor’s appointment this morning?” Liv asked softly. Rafael shrugged. He had been a little busy panicking to really pay much attention. It was good you had been there because he wasn’t sure he would have even walked in the door, much less let a doctor touch him.

“I think they were still worried about my head,” he said softly, “It’s kind of a blur,” he felt tired and overwhelmed by everything. “Dr. Shepherd took another CT of my head. They made me do this stress test for my heart I think, and it gave me a pounding headache. Poor Y/N, I’ve been a handful lately. I don’t know how she puts up with me sometimes,”

“I’m sure it hasn’t been that bad Rafael, and besides, she loves you,” Liv said softly, smiling at him. He let a out a little huff, muttering something under his breath. “You can be a real stubborn asshole sometimes, you know that?” He laughed.

“I’ve been made aware more than once,” he said softly.

“Uncle Rafa!!” Noah called from the back of the car.

“Noah, Uncle Rafa is talking to me. It’s not very nice to interrupt,” Liv scolded. Rafael wanted to tell Noah it was fine, but he also didn’t want to undermine Liv.

“What’s up Noah?” He asked softly, peeking over his shoulder to look at the young boy.

“I drew you a picture at school,” Noah said smiling.

“You did?” Rafael asked softly, he should stop letting himself be surprised by Noah, he should expect the incredible kindness and love by now, but he couldn’t. He didn’t understand, but it touched him all the same. “You’ll have to show me. I’ll put it on my fridge,”

“It’s in my backpack,” Noah said.

“I’ll get it for you at the restaurant,” Liv said softly. Rafael nodded and went back to looking out the window. He felt overwhelmed by the bad memories he had been talking about with Huang. He could remember those touches, every word, the hot breath on his neck like a freight train. Feeling like he’d been hit by one afterward as he laid in his bed and sobbed. The way he pushed friends away, unable to relate to them, wary of their intentions, and embarrassed to have them over. The paranoia of anyone finding out. Feeling awkward and isolated throughout highschool, only Eddie and Alex there for him. The insecurities of any relationship he would give a chance; they would fester until he couldn’t breathe and he pushed them away too. He hated himself for it. If he hadn’t come to Manhattan, he’d be lonely and alone, no friends, no one who really cared about him. He missed out on so much of his life because of it. “Rafa,” Liv whispered, “I know it’s hard right now, but we’re here for you,”

“I know,” he whispered, his voice breaking slightly, “I just--I can’t get out of my own head sometimes. I don’t know what to do. Everything just feels gone,”

“Everything is going to work out in the end. We won’t let her bother you anymore,” Liv said gently.

“What she did to me, it won’t go away. It’s making me spiral back into depression, my anxiety is so bad, I can’t stop thinking about my Dad,” he whispered, trying to keep his voice down so Noah didn’t hear. “I can’t even think about when I’ll be back to work, right now I can barely handle taking care of myself and Gabriella,”

“Don’t even worry about that. You have plenty of time Rafael,” Liv said gently, “Has Huang been helping at all?”

“He helps a lot, but I’m such a mess,” Rafael whispered, “My antidepressant isn’t doing anything so far,”

“Well those can take awhile,” Liv reminded him, “I’m sorry this is so tough. If there’s anything I can do, tell me,”

“Thanks, you’ve already done so much,” he whispered, reaching for her hand. She pulled into the restaurant, and Rafael took a deep breath before unbuckling himself. He carefully got Gabriella out of her carseat, smiling at her and holding her close. She made everything feel okay even just for a few seconds. She smiled when he bounced her gently, moving to lean her on his hip. She was getting stronger and stronger everyday, holding her head up on her own pretty easily. She was growing so fast, and he felt so privileged to be able to see it. He felt privileged to have her in his life.

“Uncle Rafa!” Noah yelled, vying for his attention. He grabbed Rafael’s hand and pulled him toward the door. Liv laughed softly as she watched them. Noah picked a booth and they settled into it, Rafael holding Gabriella as he looked over the menu. Noah started grabbing his sleeve and yanking on it,

“Noah, let Uncle Rafa alone for a few minutes,” Liv chided, but Rafael smiled and looked at him. Noah handed him the paper, smiling and watching as he surveyed it. It was a scribbled drawing of two stick figures hugging.

“That one’s you, and that one is me,” Noah said proudly.

Rafael smiled hugely, his brow furrowing slightly as he tried to read some of the words, “What’s it say right there buddy?” he asked softly. Noah blushed, looking away for a second. He mumbled something that Rafael couldn’t clearly hear. “You’ll have to speak up a little,” he said with a laugh.

“Mijo,” Noah whispered. Rafael gaped. “I asked my teacher….sometimes….sometimes I wish you were my daddy Uncle Rafa,” Rafael felt like he had been punched in the gut. His eyes were sparkling with tears, his throat stinging. Rafael had to take a moment to compose himself, feeling overwhelmed by the love he was receiving. “It’s dumb, I know--”

“No,” Rafael said it more forcefully than he intended, “No, it’s not dumb Noah,” he repeated softly, “I-I would be honored to be your father, and if you ever need me, you don’t hesitate to call because I love you. Come here,” He held Noah close, shutting his eyes and trying to focus on the love and positive energy in the room, “I’m gonna hang this on my fridge,”

“Sorry I made you cry,” Noah whispered,

“These are good tears buddy, I promise,” he whispered with a small laugh. They ordered their food and ate before Liv drove Rafael home. He was feeling really good, better than in the morning. He held Gabriella on the couch and played with her for awhile until the silence was too much. He clicked on the tv, and quickly regretted it as his mood soured almost immediately. It was a news story about the amnio, and right there was his face on the tv. He shut it off, shaking more than a little bit. He put Gabriella in her crib as he tried to calm down, but he couldn’t. Who was leaking this? How was it getting to the press? It wasn’t fair. He had never given any permission for that, and he was certainly not okay with it. She had no right to do anything to him, and he was mad. She had ruined his whole fucking life, turning everything upside down. He felt the anger coursing through his veins like fire and he couldn’t help himself. He started knocking things off the table violently, books, cups, a vase, all on the floor, shattered and strewn everywhere. He was so….so angry. He couldn’t keep it inside himself anymore. He saw red as he found other things to throw and smash. He was out of control.

……………………………….

When you got home without so much as a text from Rafael, you were concerned. You opened the door, stepping in and setting your jacket and briefcase down, but you quickly paused. It was a mess. There was glass everywhere, books on the floor, overturned chairs, and then there was Rafael, sitting all huddled up in the corner, softly sobbing. “Rafa,” you said softly, “What happened?” He didn’t answer, he just made a choked sobbing sound. You took a step toward him but he scrunched up more,

“Don’t come near me,” he said softly, “I’m a monster,”

“Rafael,” you said carefully, “Baby, not this again. You aren’t a monster. I promise, look at me,” He sniffled for a few minutes before peeking up at you from behind his arms. “What happened? We can talk through it. It’s okay,” You took a few steps toward him, squatting down so you could look him in the eyes without getting cut by glass.

“I—I got home and I turned the tv on, and they had a news story about….” he trailed off, sobbing some more, but he didn’t even need to finish. “And I just got so angry. I couldn’t stop myself,” He put his head down again for a few minutes before looking alarmed, “Oh God, Gabriella is probably terrified,”

“Where is she?” You asked calmly, taking another careful step toward him.

“In her crib,” he whispered, “Look what I did,” he was starting to sob again, so you moved closer to hold him. You knelt down beside him carefully, pulling his head against your chest. He cried softly, sniffling and clutching you to him. “I hate myself,” he whispered. You shut your eyes, trying not to cry as you rocked him.

“I’m right here, I know. Gabriella is fine, you are fine, and that’s what matters right now,” you whispered, “You’re okay,”

“No I’m not,” he whispered. You didn’t argue. You just held him close. Finally he was starting to sniffle and calm down a little bit. “I’m sorry,”

“Don’t apologize, not for this,” you whispered. A knock on the door made you cringe and sigh loudly. “That’s Rita,” you told him gently before raising your voice and adding, “Come on in Rita, the door is open,” 


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter. I’m literally exhausted so I’m sorry it’s kinda short. I hope you enjoy it

You heard footsteps by the door, the soft clicking of heels on the hardwood. “Rafa, stay right there, I’m gonna get your shoes,”

“No, no, no, don’t leave me,” he whispered.

“I’m gonna be right back,” you said softly, but he was holding tight to you, “Rita, can you hand me the sneakers right there,” You heard her shuffle around a little bit, but then she handed you the shoes which you were able to get on Rafael’s feet before coaxing him up and down the hall to the bedroom. You left him there to get dressed once he was a bit calmer. You knew he’d want to be in more than just a pair of thing boxer shorts and a tee shirt for this meeting. You headed back out to the living room, feeling exhausted.

“Y/N,” Rita said with a small smile. Rafael and Rita had a long history and you hadn’t hesitated to call her in on this. She looked shocked at the state of the apartment and Rafael.

“Sorry, he-he’s having a bad day,” you whispered, kneeling down and starting to pick up broken things. There was a shattered picture frame on the floor, splintered wood and a seashell. Your heart sunk. That was your favorite picture of the two of you on the beach. You weren’t sure where the actual picture was. There was glass from broken vases, cups, books that were a mess.

“Where’s the broom?” Rita asked softly. You sighed before telling her. You were grateful she was helping as you felt more than a little bit overwhelmed. With her help, you had the glass swept up in no ite and you stack the books on the coffee table with coasters and the various other things that had ended up on the ground.

“Y-Y/N?” Rafael’s voice sounded tentative as he called for you from the bedroom.

“Yes sweetheart?” you asked, but he went quiet for a few seconds, “I’m coming, hold tight,” You stood up with a sigh, heading back to the room where he was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. “Hey, what’s wrong?” you asked softly, taking a seat beside him, hand on his back.

“I want to go to the ultrasound,” he whispered. You smiled, rubbing soft circles on his back, “I’m scared though,”

“I know you are, but I will be right there with you okay?” you said gently and he nodded, “Now come on, Rita is waiting for us.” He was shaky as he got up, following you out to the mostly straightened living room where Rita was waiting on the couch.

“Rita,” he said softly with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey Rafael, how are you feeling?” she asked. He shrugged, sitting down.

“I’ve certainly been better,” he whispered. You sat beside him, taking his hand in yours.

“So what is it that I can do for the both of you?” Rita asked, getting down to business. You looked to Rafael, who was pale and staring at his lap. Squeezing his hand, you turned to Rita,

“I’m sure you heard about Rafael’s assault,” you said softly. He stiffened beside you.

“Unfortunately, yes I did,”

“Well, the woman who assaulted him is pregnant, and Rafael and I would like custody of the child. He’s been legally named as the father, and Melinda Warner can testify to that. We were hoping you could help us,” you explained, squeezing Rafael’s hand again when he started to cry. “I know Rafa,” you whispered.

“Well, I definitely think we should wait until after the trial to file the civil case. How does the criminal case look so far?” Rita asked softly. She was glancing at Rafael every few seconds, and you hated that she had to see him this way.

“Good as far as I know. There was an extensive rape kit and tox screen done, and SVU has his statement and line up ID. Last I heard, Liv was looking into security tapes from the hospital,” you told her. Rafael was still silent. He had tears dripping from his cheeks down to your hands. He sniffled, swiping at them with his other hand.

“And I assume you’ve been taking your daughter regularly to the pediatrician,” she asked gently. You nodded,

“He takes very good care of her,” you said with a soft smile. Rafael wasn’t even looking at you now. You stroked his hand with your thumb, “He spends all day with her and she is happiest when he’s around,”

“Well, I’m going to be honest with you, we may have a hard time getting complete custody for you, but I will do everything I can. If the criminal case succeeds, we have much better odds. I’ll be straight with you throughout this, and I’ll try to keep you updated,” Rita said with a smile.

“I’m sure you could get easy character witnesses, Liv would, Sonny. Rafael does not want to be taking his--our hild to visit her in prison,” you said softly, “I know you’ll do your best,”

“Rita,” Rafael’s voice was soft and cracked slightly. She looked to him, waiting for him to speak his mind. He had to take a deep breath, shooting you an unsure look. You simply nodded, trying to encourage him on. He took another breath. “I need you to please do absolutely everything you can because I literally can’t breathe when I think about her raising my child. Look at me, I’m a mess, please,”

“You have my word Rafael, you know you will only get my best. I have an idea actually. Have you two considered a civil suit against the hospital or against her for damages?” Rita asked. She looked disturbed by Rafael’s apparent distress, and you were confident she was going to do everything she possibly could to help. You looked to him, trying to judge his reaction to the situation. He looked intrigued, wiping at his eyes again as he looked over toward her. You gently ran your fingers up and down his hand and wrist. He was trembling just slightly.

“N-No,” he finally whispered, “I haven’t even thought about it,”

“We’ve just been worried about him. We weren’t even looking at it,” you told her. Rita nodded, pulling out some papers.

“Well I think it would be a very good move to sue her for damages. It might give you some leverage in the custody case. I pulled some case law which you both may read over if you’d like. I’m willing to work with you on this. I will make decisions in court, but I am very open to your input,” she explained, “If you would decide to sue, you may be able to use it as a bargaining chip to get her to agree to terminate parental rights. Do you think she may be amenable to a deal like that?” You weren’t sure. You didn’t really know that much about her besides what Rafael had revealed through a few stories. He looked positively white as a ghost.

“She’ll do whatever she can to fuck with me,” he whispered, “She loves to manipulate and torture me any chance she gets. I don’t know if she’d rather screw with me even more or save her own skin,” The bitterness in his voice broke your heart. You released your grip on his hand, wrapping your arm around his shoulders. You pulled him closer. “I’m barely treading water, and she won’t stop. She’s gonna drown me,” he whispered.

“We won’t let her Rafael, I promise sweetheart,” you told him softly.

“Feel better Rafael, and don’t hesitate to give me a call with any questions. I am going to go speak with Lieutenant Benson,” Rita said, standing up. She patted Rafael’s shoulder. You walked her out, patting Rafael’s thigh before leaving him on the couch. She turned to you in the hallway, “I want to do this pro bono, a favor for an old friend,” You were touched,

“Are you sure Rita, we can pay you,” you said softly. She held a up a hand,

“Let me. I’m here if he needs an advocate,” she added. You appreciate her help a lot. Despite her and Rafael’s differences and spats in the courtroom, they had been friends and colleagues since Rafael was fresh out of college. You knew she was shocked to see him panicking like that, to see the brokenness that was on display almost daily.

“Thank you,” you whispered. You went back inside, and Rafael was sitting on the couch, biting his nails. “Hey,”

“Hey,” he whispered with a choked sobbing noise. You walked over to him, sitting down beside him and pulling him closer. He pressed his face into your shirt, sniffling. You rubbed little circles on his back, and he held tight to you. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I’m sorry about all of it,”

“Shhh, shhh, it’s not your fault. It’s okay Rafa, it’s okay,” you soothed. You loved him, and you wanted this to somehow be better. “Alright baby, we need to get going if you want to see the ultrasound,” He let you nudge him back toward the bedroom where he pulled on a sweatshirt and combed his hair again. He was silent in the cab, so you just held his hand. You were glad Sonny had agreed to watch Gabriella so you could focus on Rafael. You held him as much as he’d let you, but he was all worried about how he looked in public now. After the newspaper articles and the news stories, he didn’t want people to see him as weak. He was embarrassed and anxious about even talking to people, especially professional colleagues. When you arrived at the hospital, Rafael sat in the car. “Come on, we should go in,” he shook his head.

“I can’t,” he whispered, “I can’t,” He shook his head again. He was frozen in place,

“Rafa, what’s wrong?” you asked softly. “I thought you wanted to,”

“I do want to, but I can’t,” he whispered. He was starting to panic, hyperventilating as he sat there. He stared at the seat in front of him. “I can’t, I can’t do it,”

“Rafael, breathe sweetie, breathe,”

“I can’t do this,” he sobbed, “Call Dr. Huang, please,” You nodded, calling George and hoping that would help the problem. 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! I worked really hard on it. I have a lot to do to tie this thing up but I’m hoping to finish this week....fingers crossed

Rafael was sitting in the car, staring straight forward when Huang got there. He looked at you questioningly before slowly climbing in beside your husband. Rafael looked pale, sweating and he was leaning his face against the seat in front of him. You stayed outside, pacing and watching as George talked to him softly. Rafael was panicking, shaking and trembling as George put a hand on his back. You could hear their soft voices, but you couldn’t really make out what exactly they were saying. Rafael barely moved at first, his chest heaving, but as George whispered to him some more, he started to sit up. He wiped his face, leaning back in the seat and sniffling. George climbed out of the car, but Rafael stayed in there. He was breathing softly, counting each one and clenching his hands in his lap.

“He’ll be out in a second. I told him to take a few minutes to collect himself,” George explained.

“Thank you,” You whispered, “I didn’t know how to get him out of there,”

“Sometimes he just needs you to tell him to take things one step at a time. His anxiety is making him overthink everything. All he can do is panic because he’s overwhelming himself,” he told you softly. You nodded, looking back at Rafael who looked considerably calmer. He started to move so he could get out of the car, but he had to pause again for a moment. “Rafael, do you need any help?” George asked gently, taking a step toward the car.

“No, no,” he turned toward the driver, “I’m sorry to hold you up, I’ll pay you for your time of course,”

“Don’t worry about it man,” the driver said softly, but Rafael still dug in his pocket for his wallet, pressing more than enough money into the young man’s hand. He finally got up and out of the car, taking a step toward you. You held out a hand for him to take,

“You okay?” You asked softly, rubbing his shoulder with your free hand.

“No. Let’s just go in please,” He whispered. George nodded at you and followed close behind. His hands were damp and clammy, and he didn’t say a word or look at you on the way in. Liv was waiting inside, her and Carisi there to escort Larson.

“Here, this way. We set up a screen so you can see the ultrasound itself and a doctor will be there to talk to you. If you want, you can watch through a one way window,” Liv explained as she led the way. Rafael didn’t answer right away, so you followed Liv to the room and to the window. Rafael stiffened. Right through the glass, there she was, lying on an exam table. Rafael started to hyperventilate, his eyes glued on her. You rubbed his back,

“Shhh, you’re okay. Don’t worry about anything but if the baby is healthy right now. Just focus on each breath,” you whispered, looking to Huang who nodded at you. Rafael nodded slightly, taking soft breaths and counting. He turned away from the window,

“I can’t look at her,” he whispered, so you nodded and led him to the little room with the screen. He sat down in the comfortable chair that Liv had there for him. You sat on the arm of the chair, arm resting across his shoulders. Your fingers sifted through the hair on the back of his head. He was letting it grow out a little more which surprised you. You thought it may be because he wanted to appear put together and normal, the way he was before. You hadn’t asked him outright because you didn’t want to make him feel self conscious or uncomfortable. A young man in a white jacket came in the room, smiling and leaning on the table,

“I’m Dr. Stinson, I’ll be here to answer any questions you may have,” he said softly with a smile. He shook your hand and then Rafael’s, clicking on the screen. “Do you know how far along the baby is?” Rafael shut his eyes, so you squeezed him tighter. His chest started to heave with sobs.

“Um, not exactly, no,” you told him, rubbing Rafael’s shoulder and neck, “Shhh Rafa, it’s okay, remember to breathe,” He gulped, nodding and getting ahold of himself again. He still had tears glistening on his cheeks, but he was able to keep himself calm.

“Well from our discussion with Ms. Larson, it would be fifteen weeks today,” he told you. You honestly had been so caught up with taking care of Rafael that you had no idea how long it had been exactly. It was a little startling to know it’d been almost four whole months. “We should be able to tell the gender in a few weeks. Everything is looking really good so far with the blood work and all of that,” there was a noise from the tv, and he pressed a button on the remote, “You guys ready?” He asked. You looked to Rafael who nodded slightly. He held your hand, squeezing as tight as he could. Suddenly the image came up on the screen and the doctor pointed out where the baby’s feet were and its head. “It looks a little small, but that’s not very concerning. You can see the heartbeat right there. Do you want me to turn the sound up so you can hear it?” Rafael nodded, so he clicked the volume up for you. You stroked your fingers through his hair as the heartbeat sounded out in the room. His eyes were shut.

“Rafa, look, that’s our baby okay?” You whispered, leaning down by his ear. “It’s ours,” He sniffled, nodding before looking up at you. “I know this is tough, but you love Gabriella, and I know you can love this baby too. You’re such a good Daddy,”

“Thank you,” he whispered, leaning into your touch. “I couldn’t do any of this without you,”

“It’s what I’m here for Rafa, it’s alright,” you whispered. He squeezed your hand again, trying to get ahold of himself.

“We’re gonna need a bigger apartment, won’t we?” He asked softly.

“I guess we might,” You said softly, rubbing circles over his pec. “Look at its little feet,” he laughed a little bit,

“Guess those didn’t come from me,” you were glad to hear him joke softly. You rubbed his shoulders, trying to get him to calm down and stay calm.

“How does one small man have such big feet?” You teased. He laughed again. “Our little family is growing Rafa, and it’s all going to be okay. Just trust me,”

“I do trust you, but sometimes it’s hard when the world feels like it’s ending. When she was….assaulting me, it just felt like everything was gone. I felt like my life was over,” he whispered. You knew exactly what he was saying and how he felt, and it broke your heart that he had to experience that.

“It’s not over. I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere Rafa,” you whispered, “I’m not going anywhere,” He kissed your arm that was now tilting his head against your chest.

“I-I think I want to go home now,” he whispered, “I want to see Gabriella,”

“Okay baby, okay. Let’s go,” you whispered. “Let’s go on home. Can we get a picture of that?” The doctor nodded, and told you to hold on for a few minutes. Liv came over wrapping an arm around Rafael,

“I’ll walk him out, he looks like he needs to sit down,” she told you. You nodded, watching as he walked out with Huang and Liv. George was talking to him softly, Liv keeping her arm around his shoulders. You waited there with Sonny who was at the door.

“You okay Y/N?” he asked softly. You sighed,

“I’m alright, it just hurts to watch him like this. He’s miserable,” you told Sonny, “I’ll be glad when she’s in prison,”

“I’m going to make a night of watching the security footage that we finally got. I think Fin might join me,” he told you, “We’re gonna get her. I have her statement from the interview room, we have the rape kit and the tox screen, the pregnancy. We’re gonna get her,” You let him pull you in for a hug.

“Thank you Sonny, it means a lot,” you whispered. The doctor returned shortly, handing you two copies of the ultrasound. You knew Rafael would want one once he had some time to process everything. You walked out on your own because Sonny needed to go in and collect his prisoner and make sure she got back to Rikers. You made it outside to Liv’s car where Rafael was sitting with his head in his hands. George was talking to him softly, and he seemed to be listening, but he was struggling. You slowly walked over there, standing by Liv outside the car.

“He’s worrying again about what he’s gonna tell Gabriella or the baby when they’re older,” she said softly. You sighed, feeling awful for him.

“He’s so worried, stressing himself out over everything. I don’t know how to help him,” you whispered. You felt helpless, watching him panicking like that all on his own.

“I don’t know if can help him right now,” Liv said softly, “He’s going to have to face the demons in his head, and unless he’s willing to do that, he’s going to keep struggling like this,”

“He told me George wanted him to speak with his mother,” you told her softly, “He’s not going to want to do that,”

“Give him time, but it’s okay to push him a little bit,” Liv told you, “He’ll need to consider everything, to come to terms with it,”

“I’m hoping he does decide to talk with her, I think it will do a lot for him,” you whispered, “I just don’t know what to do with him. I don’t want to push him too hard or upset him more,” You looked through the car window again, trying not to cry as you observed the shaking of his shoulders, the way he was slumped over. Liv put a hand on your back,

“He’s strong, he can do this,” she told you softly. You knew he was strong, he had endured years and years of pain due to the childhood abuse, but there was only so much one man could take, and you were terrified that one of these days, it would completely break him.

“He’s trying his best, but there’s only so much he can take,” you whispered. You knocked softly on the window. He took a few moments before rolling it down. He looked at you, his face blotchy and watery. “Hey,” you said gently, “You ready to go home?” He nodded. “Liv, can we catch a ride home?” you asked, and she nodded.

“Yeah, yeah sure,” she said. Rafael climbed into the back with you, leaning into your arms. He was quiet the whole way home, but he was very upset. You could tell. It was the despairing look in his eyes that sealed it for you. When you got into your apartment, he collapsed down onto the couch tiredly. You sat beside him, taking his hand into yours and trying to think of how to mention your concerns to him.

“Rafa,” you whispered, “Have you thought about telling your mother?” He looked away, his lips quivering, “She won’t hate you, she loves you to death Rafael,”

“You don’t know,” he whispered, “I try to make excuses sometimes, but she had to know Y/N, she had to suspect him. I was seven years old. She did nothing,”

“She probably couldn’t even process it baby. I’m not going to make you, but I really think you should think about it,” you told him gently. He gulped, shutting his eyes, but he nodded and you took that as a good sign. 


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next chapter, it’s a little painful to read. I read all your comments but I’m so tired, idk if I can respond to them adequately rn. Maybe tomorrow morning. I kinda doubt I’ll have a halter but out tomorrow or Tuesday cause my mom is having surgery and I have to drive her and take care of her so. I hope this is good and you guys enjoy. Thanks!

Rafael sat down on the couch. He was glad you had provided him with some sort of privacy for this. He nervously shifted around, toying with the blanket on his lap. He felt emotionally exhausted as the last few days had been really hard on him. He had spent a very long time thinking about this, about what you said, about what Huang said. How was he supposed to do this? How was he supposed to tell her? This was the one thing he had promised himself would never happen….well the one thing he had left. He had promised himself after college that he would let anyone hurt him ever again, that he wouldn’t have kids so he couldn’t ruin their lives like his own had been ruined, that he wouldn’t be like his father and get himself nice and drunk every night, that he would protect himself by pushing people away, and that he would never ever tell anyone what his father did to him, especially not his mother. All of them had been broken eventually for the better or for the worse, leaving just this one in tact. There had been one time where he almost had broken down and told her. He had been twelve, and it had just been so bad. He was failing classes at school, he had no friends because he kept to himself, it was almost every night and he was hurting so bad.

_Rafael peeked around the corner to make sure the coast was clear. His mother was sitting in the living room, folding laundry and his father was nowhere in sight. The young boy moved gingerly into the room. “Hi Mami,” he whispered, sitting down and then squirming slightly._

_“Hola Raf,” she said distractedly. He tried to act casual, leaning back against the couch and watching tv for a moment,_

_“Where’s Papi?” he asked. She didn’t answer for a few minutes._

_“Out looking for a job is what he said,” she finally said with a tired sigh. She seemed exhausted and distracted. He fiddled with a string on the couch, gulping. He wanted to just blurt it out, to get the ugly memory out of his mind and never think of it again because it was too much. It hurt so bad. She would believe him, right? She’d help him, right? That’s what a mother was supposed to do, protect her son, right? It wasn’t like she hadn’t seen him getting knocked around. He had even screamed for her once, and she ignored it. It made him feel even more worthless than he already did._

_“Mom,” he said softly. She looked up at him, concern in her eyes, and for just one second he thought that maybe this would work, maybe he would be okay, “I need help,”_

_“Help with what mijo?” she asked softly, but then the door slammed open and he couldn’t do it because there he was, storming in angrily and throwing things and Rafael was forgotten once more. He sulked up to his room, waiting for the inevitable pain that accompanied night time._

Now he was craving a drink that he wasn’t allowed to have, feeling like he was going to throw up. A knock on the door and he came dangerously close to legitimately vomiting everywhere. He got ahold of himself by the second knock, opening the door to see his mother standing in the hallway. “Rafi, darling, how are you? I haven’t heard from you in over a week,” she said, pulling him into a hug. He stood there stiffly for a second, hating being touched before he remembered that this might be the last hug from her, that she might hate him after he told her. His arms wrapped around her and he clung, pressing his face against her shoulder and neck as he prayed it would be okay. She held him, stroking his back until it was long enough to provoke concern. “Are you alright sweetheart?” she asked softly.

“No,” he whispered, “No I’m not,” He satid in her arms for a few more minutes before pulling away and letting her kiss his cheek.

“What’s this all about Rafi?” she asked softly. He was shaking.

“Here mom, sit down, let me get you some water, and then we need to talk,” he said gently. She looked very worried, watching as he disappeared into the kitchen. He had to breathe deeply as he got a glass and put ice into it, but his hand was shaking so much that he got water all over himself and his sleeve and then the glass slipped from his hand, shattering all over the floor. He swore softly, shaking his head and starting to pick up after himself. He was carefully grabbing a larger piece of glass when his mother startled him,

“Raf, are you okay in there?” she asked loudly, “Do you need some help?” He jerked, cutting himself on the glass and swearing some more.

“I’m fine, I’ll be out in a couple minutes,” he yelled, hoping she wouldn’t burst in. He grabbed a clean dish towel and wrapped it around his hand, applying pressure and trying to stop the bleeding. It thankfully wasn’t very deep and he got it washed out and the floor swept in very little time at all. He took a few more breaths before heading out to the living room with a cool glass of water for her. He sat on the couch next to her and looked at his lap for a few minutes.

“You know you can tell me anything right Raf?” she said gently. He sniffled, wiping at his face already.

“I need--I need to tell you something, but you have to just listen and let me talk or I won’t be able to do it. You can ask me questions when I’m done,” he told her like he had rehearsed in his head for hours. “My psychiatrist thought it might be therapeutic for me to tell you,”

“Psychiatrist? Why are you seeing a psychiatrist?” she asked, and already he was losing his nerve.

“I-I’ll explain that, but please, I need to just do this at my own pace,” he said softly, gulping slightly. She nodded. “I’ll start with the psychiatrist thing, so you know how I was in the hospital,” his voice was fairly even as he spoke, but he couldn’t meet her eyes, “Something bad happened to me while I was there,” he risked a look up, and his mother looked very concerned for him. “There was this nurse, and Y/N and I had a fight so I started to have a panic attack. She gave me some medicine that completely intoxicated me, I was wiped out and I could barely move or think. She...uh, she assaulted me,” It felt like his throat was blocked, like he couldn’t breathe. He felt tears escaping his eyes, pouring down his cheeks as he started to lose his grip. He leaned forward, head in his hands as he tried to breathe, “Sorry,” he whispered, “It just, she took everything from me. I felt so helpless when she was touching me. I begged her to stop, but I was so weak from the drugs,” He felt a hand on his shoulder which was vaguely comforting and made him feel calmer. She was reacting well so far, and she wasn’t commenting which made him feel better. She pulled him closer, and he pressed his face against her shoulder, sobbing softly. He let his mother hold him and comfort him, and it felt so good to be in her arms. He felt safe, and that was just so rare for him. “And it stirred up old feelings that I had buried so deep,” he whispered. He looked her in the eyes, holding her hand tightly in his, “Mom, this might be hard to listen to,” he warned. Rafael had to breathe, relaxing himself slowly before continuing. “When I was seven,” he whispered, “Papi started coming into my room at night,” His voice was wavering now, and he was dangerously close to hyperventilating.

“Raf--”

“No,” it came out forcefully, much harsher than he meant, but he couldn’t hold onto this any longer. It needed to be said. “Mom, he raped me over and over and over again and he made me promise to never tell a soul,”

“What has happened to you Rafael?” she asked softly, “What have they been putting in your head?”

“No Mom, it’s true, I couldn’t tell you before because I didn’t even want to believe it. I tried to forget, I started drinking a lot, and I was so miserable. I’ve always been miserable, but then Y/N and I met and she just helps me so much. She’s made me feel safe and okay enough to face it,” he tried not to cry when he thought about her not believing him. He wanted her to believe him so badly.

“That can’t be true Rafael,” she insisted, and he felt his heart sink. He thought she might believe him, that he might have been wrong. Tears started to prick his eyes.

“Mami, please--” he started to say, but she started to stand.

“Rafi, I can’t listen to you disgrace your father’s memory like that,” she said softly, and then he was mad. He stood up, grabbing her arm just hard enough to stop her from walking away, but he was careful to be gentle with her despite his anger.

“No Mom,” he said softly, “I know you loved him, and I know it’s hard to face because trust me, I can barely face it myself, but he hurt me. He came into my room at night and he touched me, he stole my childhood, he stole my innocence, he stole my happiness,” his voice was getting rougher and rougher, and raising with every word, “There were weeks when I couldn’t even barely sit down without crying, and you didn’t even notice. Don’t tell me it didn’t happen again because you weren’t the one who had to lay there and I know how wrong it was and take it anyways because you just wanted someone to love you. You didn’t have to hide a dirty little secret like that inside you like cancer until it consumed you, until it tore you apart. I did,” he was breathing heavily as he stopped talking. Lucia had tears in her eyes, but she wasn’t trying to leave anymore. He started to sob again, rough sounds tearing their way from his throat. She pulled his head against her chest, fingers stroking through the hair on the back of his head.

“I’m so sorry mijo, I should have been there to protect you,” she finally whispered, “I should’ve protected you,” That did it. He absolutely fell apart after that, sobbing uncontrollably in her arms. He felt so numb almost, all of that anger out, all of the pain was bared for everyone to see. It wasn’t hidden inside him anymore. He collapsed down to his knees and she went with him, holding him tight to her, and murmuring words of comfort in his ear, “I believe you, shhh, you’re safe now. I believe you,” He looked up at her, eyes filled with tears, “I’m so sorry Rafael, I’m so sorry,” she was crying now too, and he kissed her cheek,

“I forgive you Mami,” he whispered, and with that one uttered truth, he took a true step towards healing. 


	48. Chspter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Incase you guys didn’t know, I really love you all :) I just feel incredibly blessed by all the kind encouragement I get from you guys. This stuff means a lot to me, and I know I can trust you when I put myself out there with it, so thank you so much for that! Thanks for all the kind messages the past few weeks cause it’s been crazy, but my moms surgery went great and hopefully things will start to go back to normal. Honest to god, I’m just trying to tie up all the loose ends. I’m hoping this is done by Wednesday next week but we’ll see.

“I feel like there’s a weight off my chest, you were right,” Rafael said softly to George as he sat in the psychiatrist’s office. “It was terrifying to tell her, especially when she didn’t want to believe it, but when I started talking, it all came tumbling out, and I think—I think we fixed something that was broken for a very long time,”

“That’s great Rafael, I’m glad that’s been helping you so much,” George said with a big smile. Rafael was proud of his progress, proud of himself for being brave. Every time things kept getting worse, he wondered if they were ever really going to get better, but he felt the best he had in a long time.

“It was really hard for me for a really long time because I didn’t understand how my mom didn’t help me. I wondered if anyone loved me, if there was something wrong with me,” he admitted, “But we had a long talk, and she told me a lot of things that changed the way I saw stuff. I just, I understand more, and I feel…” he laughed softly, “I keep saying better, but it’s true,” George looked a little wary though.

“How long have you been feeling happier?” He asked softly.

“Uh, especially the last day or two. I just feel like I can put this all behind me now,” he said with a grin.

“Rafael, I know you’re feeling really, really good, and I am glad about that, but I don’t want you to be devastated when you come down. You feel good right now, but it’s more than likely another depressive state is going to set in eventually,” he warned. Rafael didn’t want to think about that. He didn’t ever want to feel like that again because it was too much.

“Well is there anything I can do to keep feeling better?” He asked softly. George sighed,

“You can talk to me, you can talk to Y/N, you have to keep working through your trauma and unfortunately sometimes you’re not going to feel great,” he told Rafael softly. Rafael felt a little stab of panic at the thought of slipping back into his depression. He was sick of feeling miserable. “Slowly, over time it should start to get better. I know it’s frustrating, but if you just stick with this, you will start to move past it,”

“I’m so tired of being miserable. I want to enjoy watching my daughter grow up and spend time with Y/N. I don’t want to be laying in bed because the thought of trying to make it through the day is too overwhelming. I don’t want to be crying all the time or worrying all the time,” he whispered. He sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair.

“I know Rafael, just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re getting so much better. Try to keep that in mind. I think that’s plenty for today, is Y/N waiting for you?” George asked softly.

“No, Liv is. She’s gonna drop me at the DAs office, and I’m gonna look over some files for Y/N,” he replied, standing up and collecting his things.

“Keep taking it easy. I don’t know if SVU is a great place for you right this moment,” George said gently. Rafael nodded. They were pretty tame files from what you said, and he was just gonna help you plan your cross out. He said goodbye to George, heading outside where Liv was waiting in her car. He climbed in the front, smiling as he buckled himself in.

“You look great, how are things going?” Liv asked softly.

“I feel really, really good,” Rafael said softly, “Speaking of which, I thought it might be fun if Noah and I went to a Mets game,”

“Oh my God, when I tell him, he’s not going to stop talking about it for weeks,” Liv said with a laugh.

“Well let me get the tickets first then, I wouldn’t want to disappoint,” he said with a smile. He was so excited to spend some alone time with Noah, to be there for him, and try and somehow give back the joy and love that the little boy provided him with time and time again. Noah somehow always managed to make him feel better.

“So where is Gabriella?” Liv asked softly.

“Y/N has her. I’m gonna take her home after I look over a file or two over at the office,” he said,

“Well don’t push yourself too hard. It can be hard to come back after….” She trailed off, but he shot her a small smile,

“That’s what Huang said too,” he said with a laugh, “I’ll stop if it’s too much. I promise,” his voice dropped to almost a whisper at the end. “George thinks I’m going to get depressed again,”

“He’s probably right,” Liv said gently, “You’re gonna deal with this likely for the rest of your life,”

“I know that, I just—I don’t want to constantly be miserable. I know it will never go away fully, but I can’t handle feeling like I have the past few months for much longer,” he explained, rubbing his face tiredly.

“No, no, I’m not saying that Rafael, but I think everyone just wants to make sure you keep perspective, that you don’t get too high or too low,” Liv said. Rafael nodded, sighing and leaning back. He spent the rest of the trip in silence before heading into the DAs office. He had to take a few very deep breaths before he went in the building. He handed over the ID badge he had dug out of his briefcase, and he shut his eyes pretended he was anywhere else while they patted him down. He felt vaguely dizzy as he approached your office, and he couldn’t figure out why. He knocked on your door before going in and he saw you look up from behind your desk. When you spoke it sounded like you were underwater, or maybe he was. And then you got closer and closer and he was feeling more and more lightheaded.

“Rafael, breathe. You’re okay. Look at me and breathe,” you were steering him into a chair as you spoke. He felt like the world was spinning out of control, and he grabbed desperately for you. You held his hand, looking him right in the eyes as you talked him down. It felt like his throat was blocked, like he was choking. He finally managed to suck in a panicked breath and the white noise decreased slightly. “Hey, that’s it, shhh, shh,” Your hands on his biceps made him feel better, your touch grounding him. “What happened?” You asked when he was finally just a shaking mess.

“I’m sorry, I—I was feeling so good and George was telling me I’m gonna be depressed again, and I can’t—I can’t—” he started to stutter, and you shushed him.

“Okay, okay, it’s alright. I promise,” you whispered, trying to calm him down. He was gripping your arms, feeling panicked, “Rafael please just take a breath, focus on relaxing,” you reminded him, and he nodded. He finally calmed down, but almost immediately started weeping.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he whispered, sniffling, “I don’t want to feel like that ever again,”

“Hey, stop that. Look here,” you forced him to look you in the eyes, “What exactly did Dr. Huang say to you Rafa?”

He gulped in some air, “He-he said that even though I feel better now, I--I’m gonna get depressed again, and I don’t want to--”

“Slow down, listen to me, I think he just wants you to not be devastated if you start to feel bad again Raf. He’s not saying you’re definitely going to feel just like you did before. It’s okay, I’m right here,” you whispered, tilting his head up, so you could kiss his forehead. You smoothed some hair away from his eyes after it fell into his face. “Don’t let this break you, don’t freak out. Enjoy the way you’re feeling now, and if you start to feel bad again, we will deal with it then. You aren’t alone,” He nodded, reaching up to scrub at his eyes.

“You’re right, you’re right,” he whispered, “I need to breathe, help me,”

“Okay sweetheart, okay, in for four….one, two, three, that’s it, now out slow,” you talked him through the exercise, helping him to feel better. He started to slow down, his heart beat moderating, the sweat on his forehead cooling with the air, his skin drying. You caressed his jaw with your knuckles, pressing a soft kiss to the hollow of his neck and then a second one on his lips. He clutched you to him, breathing softly against your neck.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “I needed you,”

“I’ll always be here when you need me,” you promised. You held him close, fingers carding through his hair.

“Can I have some coffee?” he asked finally, and you nodded, asking Jerome to get him a cup. He got Gabriella out of her carseat, holding her tight, and ghosting his knuckles over her cheek. “Hey sweetheart, do you feel better today?” he whispered, and you smiled. She had been sick and fussy recently, not sleeping well and only really calming down when Rafael walked her around. He had been up all night earlier in the week, walking throughout the apartment with her, bouncing her softly. She would fuss and wail when he put her down, so he just held her as long as he could. You had walked in on him reading her a story as she finally napped on his chest, and when you had peeked in later, you saw him asleep, the book forgotten beside him. He had a soft smile on his face. He loved holding her, and taking care of her, and it made you so happy to see him like that. He was finally feeling so much better, and you almost wanted to call George and give him a piece of your mind, but you knew he meant well. He wasn’t trying to make Rafael panic. He calmed himself down considerably by the time the coffee was there. He sipped the warm cup, his shaking hands slowly steadying. “Here, hand me the file,” he said softly.

“I don’t know Rafa, I don’t think you should--” you started to say, but he cut you off,,

“No, I’m fine Y/N, I’m okay. I can do it,” he insisted. You sighed, toying with the file for a few minutes before handing it over. He leaned Gabriella against his torso, maneuvering himself around so he could read the file and hold her.

……………………………………….

Rafael was sprawled out in bed when you got home. He looked absolutely exhausted, all snuggled up in a sweatshirt and looking soft with sleep. You sat down on the edge of the bed, running your hand down his clothes back until you reached warm skin where the material rode up. He shifted around in his sleep just barely. You pressed your lips to the back of his neck just once before getting up again, so you could take a shower and change. When you returned, feeling refreshed from the warm shower. You dried off your hair, watching him as you brushed the tangles out and pulling on a tee shirt and some black spandex shorts. Rafael looked so peaceful. You carefully climbed into bed, trying not to disturb him as he slept, but when your arms snaked around his waist, he shifted enough that you knew he was awake. You heard the soft breathing grow a bit heavier as he blearily looked at you, “D’you just take an ice bath or something? Your hands are freezing,” his sarcastic remark made you laugh.

“Ha ha, you’re freaking hilarious,” you whispered. He smiled at you, moving around so he could look you in the eyes. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours,

“I know,” came the smart remark that you were waiting for. He smiled when you laughed again, mumbling against your lips, “I love you,”

“I love you too,” you whispered.

“Thank you,” he whispered,

“No Rafa, thank you,” you murmured, stroking a hand through his hair. For the first time in a very long time, you thought he might just believe you. 


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m terrible. I’m sorry I haven’t been responding to comments recently and last night I was just so tired I fell asleep. Today, I meant to be home by 9, didn’t get home til 10:30 cause my boyfriend didn’t want to get out of my car 

  
When you walked in the door, you knew something was wrong. The lights were all out, the house almost deadly quiet, and it was only five. You carefully made your way back to the bedroom, opening the door just slightly. You could see Rafael on his side, staring at the wall, buried under a mountain of blankets. You pushed the door open just a little bit, approaching the bed with caution, “Rafa,” you said softly, “You okay?” As you got closer, you saw the sparkle of drying tears on his cheeks. “Hey,” you gently touched his arm, “Please talk to me,”

“I—” he didn’t even finish his sentence, instead dissolving into soft sobs.

“Okay, shhh,” you whispered, kneeling down beside him. “Where’s Gabriella baby?” He had to take a moment to find his voice, and when he did speak, it sounded hoarse and small,

“I called my mom to get her. I just—I couldn’t today. I don’t know why,” he whispered, still softly crying. You brushed a few tears from his cheeks,

“Have you gotten out of bed at all?” You whispered. He shook his head, breath hitching even more. “Okay, here, let me help you. We’ll get some food in you, and we can take a warm bath. Everything is gonna be okay,” he nodded, so you helped him to sit up. He looked like a mess. His face was covered in stubble, his hair poking out all over the place. His eyes were bloodshot and red, the skin puffy and blotchy on his face. He felt freezing when you touched his skin. He held tight to you as he shakily walked out to the kitchen, and he practically collapsed into a chair. You kissed his forehead, whispering to him and rubbing his shoulder, “What sounds good to eat?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered, obviously feeling distressed. You stroked his cheek, tilting his face up so he’d look at you,

“One bad day is not the end of the world, I promise,” you whispered. He nodded, pulled you down for a quick kiss. “I’ll find something good for you to eat, sit tight,” You boiled some water, putting pasta in the pot. While it was cooking, you dug out the container of sauce you made earlier in the week and you heated it up in a pan. Rafael didn’t say a word, but you could hear his sniffling and at times his soft, choked cries. Each one tore at your heart. Finally, the food was ready, and you took him a plate. He thanked you softly, picking at it with the fork you pressed into his hands. You got food yourself, watching him carefully as he put a little bit of food in his mouth. “Do you want to talk about what’s wrong?” you asked softly. He shook his head, but he started to eat faster. You hoped he was realizing he was hungry, not just trying to appease you. Either way, he was getting food in him. You would have hated to see him take a few steps back as he had been steadily gaining weight recently. His face was filling out again, he was looking happier and more energized.

“I woke up, and the world just felt dark again. All the time, it just seemed dimmed, so dark that I couldn’t even bear it,” he whispered, “You’ve been a light, and so is Gabriella. It started to be lighter and lighter as I’ve been feeling better, but today it was like I was drowning in the pitch black void and I couldn’t get out. Getting out of bed just seemed so hard, it felt impossible, and I knew I was a mess. I had to call my mom cause I knew I wouldn’t be able to take care of Gabriella at all. I’m such a disaster,”

“Hey, don’t talk like that. You’re fine Rafa, sometimes we all just need a day,” you told him, reaching to cover his hand. He shot you a weak smile.

“Don’t try and make me feel better,” he whispered, “I don’t need excuses. I need to get my life together,”

“Rafael,” you whispered, feeling exasperated. You didn’t know how to get him to stop beating himself up. You took the dishes to the sink, and when you came back, he wasn’t there. You felt a stab of panic briefly, but then you saw his bare feet sticking out on the side of the couch. He was laying down, Brady curled up on his stomach as scratched right behind the dog’s ears. You sat on the floor right beside his head, and looked at him carefully. “Rafi,” you whispered,

“Hm?” he asked softly,

“I’m scared,” you admitted. He opened his eyes.

“Me too,” he finally replied. He sat up, shooing the dog away before moving onto the floor next to you. “I’m scared I’m never going to get better,” he whispered.

“I’m scared that you’re going to lose hope. I know this is hard,” you whispered, pulling him into your arms, “Huang thinks you’re doing good. We talked about this, having a bad day is not the end of the world Rafael. I promise,”

“I’m sick of this. I’m sick of feeling like this, I’m sick of not being a good father, I’m sick of making you take care of me,” he whispered, leaning his head down on your shoulder. You wrapped your arm around him,

“Rafa, you’re absolutely not a bad father. You knew you needed some time, so you did the responsible thing and made sure she was taken care of. That’s being a good father,” you whispered, turning your head to kiss his hair. “And you aren’t making me do anything. I promised you for better or for worse, and I want to take care of you when you need it. I know you would take great care of me, so hush,”

“You’re just being nice,” he whispered with a sniffle.

“You’re really dumb for someone who went to Harvard,” You teased. He laughed softly, wiping his eyes,

“You’re pretty smart for someone who went to Yale,” he teased back, and you couldn’t help but press your face against his hair and laugh. That sounded more like your Rafael.

“Okay, let’s go. I don’t know about you, but I was looking forward to that bath,” you whispered, helping him up to his feet. He followed you to the bathroom and stripped down while you filled the tub. You climbed in first, wrapping your arms around his stomach when he settled down in front of you. He leaned into you, resting his head on your shoulder. He still felt tense, so you slowly ran your palms over his soft tummy, over his sides and up to his pecs. He started to melt against you, letting out little contented sighs. “You look so good Rafa, you’re getting so much better. Don’t let today discourage you,” you traced your finger down his scar, “Look how pale it is,” you murmured, barely touching the pinkish line that bisected his chest.

“Dr. Yang wants to take me off the heart meds,” he whispered, “She wants to see how my heart holds up on its own,”

You stiffened, “She what?” He shrugged half heartedly. You felt a knot in your stomach. He was on a few different medications to strengthen his heart muscles and take some of the load off of them when possible, and if he wasn’t on them, you knew all you would do was worry about if he was going to drop dead any minute.

“She doesn’t want me to have any long term side effects from the meds,” he whispered. You hugged him just a fraction tighter, kissing his shoulder and holding him to you. “Hey,” he whispered, “I’ll be alright. I promise,”

“You better not break that promise,” you whispered with a soft laugh. You wouldn’t be able to bear seeing him in pain like that all over again. He chuckled, his body feeling immensely more relaxed and lax in your arms.

“I hope you know how much I love you,” He whispered. You nodded, leaning your face against his skin and relishing the ability to hold him. You had almost lost him so many different times.

“I know Rafa, I know, and I love you too,” You whispered. He didn’t respond to that, but you could tell he was trying to quiet his self doubt. “I know it’s hard for you to believe that, but what can I do that would help?” Your voice was very soft, by his ear.

“I honestly don’t know Y/N, I’ll just keep trying,” he finally replied. You nodded. You sat quietly for a while, enjoying the feeling of being so close, of being together. His skin stuck to yours, slick with water. “I know you love me, I promise I don’t think you’re lying,” he whispered, “I just, I don’t really understand it,” He lifted your hand, looking at the ring that was still on your finger. He smiled, lifting it to his lips and pressing a kiss there.

“Well I’ll just keep telling you,” you whispered, “You’re hilarious, so smart, handsome, sweet,” He shut his eyes, listening to you talk to him. You stroked his skin, kissing him, holding him tight.

“Y/N,” he whispered. His voice was soft. You hummed against his hair. “Would you--would you do something for me?”

“What is it?” you asked softly, kissing the top of his head, stroking your hands down his side, over his hip.

“I just--last time, I felt so close to you. I felt loved,” he whispered. You had a idea of what he might have been asking for, but you weren’t sure and you wanted to be positive before you did anything. “I don’t know how, but it just--it made me feel better,”

“Okay, Rafa, I want you to tell me what exactly you want me to do,” you said softly. He made a vague gesture with his hand, blushing furiously.

“Will you jack me off?” he finally whispered. You kissed his cheek, and then nodded. You ran your hand across his warm skin, the heat in the room growing by the second. His lips were slightly parted, soft breaths escaping him. You stroked his chest and his stomach, working your way lower as you went. You kissed his neck softly, nipping and sucking on the skin. He let out a gasp, his hand shooting out to steady himself on the bathtub. He whined softly when you loosely groped him. His hips jerked up slightly when you touched him, his fingers tightening on the white ceramic until his skin was very pale. You teased him only slightly before gripping him firmly, and starting to pump his cock. He let out a groan from deep in his chest. You pulled your hand away after a few short jerks, and he let out a little noise of disappointment.

“Shh,” you whispered with a small laugh. Squirting a little bit of body wash into the palm of your hand, you kissed his cheek again. He arched up into your touch, his muscles tensing and flexing as he tried to thrust against your hand. You tightened your grip, stroking him from base to tip, thumb swirling around the head every few movements. You wrapped an arm around his torso, hand speeding up. His hips were now rhythmically jerking up to meet your hand, his head thrown back, jaw slack as he panted.

“Oh God,” he whispered, “Fuck,”

“Does that feel good?” you teased softly, and he just let out a soft groan. Finally he was tensing up, the water going cloudy as he cried out. You pressed a kiss to his sweaty temple as he sagged against you. “You okay?” you asked softly, and he nodded.

“Thank you,” he whispered, “I--I’m sorry I didn’t--I can’t--” he started to sound sort of panicked.

“No Rafa, don’t apologize. I’m not worried about it,” you promised, “Now let’s get out,” He nodded softly, still breathing heavily. You helped him out of the bathtub, draining the water and handing him a towel. He dried himself off before slipping into some boxers. You found him sitting on the couch with the dog again when you came out.

“I’m sorry, I hope you didn’t feel like you needed to do that,” he whispered, and you sighed.

“Hey,” you said sternly, sitting down beside him, “We both know that you didn’t pressure me into anything,” you told him, and he shrugged.

“I know, okay, I know. You’re right. I’m just being stupid,” he finally said, “Can you please get me some advil or something? My head is pounding,” You nodded, smiling and getting him some pills. He leaned his head back against the couch. You made him some tea after that, and then you were watching some tv until there was a knock on the door. You answered, seeing Lucia and Gabriella.

“Sorry it’s so late,” she said with a smile, “We lost track of time,”

“Oh no problem at all. Thank you so much for watching her,” you replied. She handed the baby over, and then she looked apprehensive.

“Is Rafael here?” she asked softly after a moment. You nodded, moving aside so she could come in.

“He’s having a bad day, so just try to be gentle with him,” you told her, leading her into the living room. “Rafa, you have a visitor,” you called. He looked over his shoulder, taking a few more sips of his drink. He managed a weak smile.

“Hola mijo,” she said softly. She came closer, “Cómo éstas?” He shrugged, but then he shook his head.

“Not so great today,” he finally admitted. She sat beside him on the couch, pulling him closer and hugging him. He pressed his face against her shoulder, and you left to put Gabriella down and give them some space.


	50. Chapter 50

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn this is so long 

You wrote down a few sentences in the blank lines on the paperwork. You just wanted to go to lunch, but you needed to finish this. You snuck a glance over at Rafael who was sitting on the couch in your office, stroking Gabriella’s hair as she slept. She was fastened to his chest so he could carry her around without using his arms. “I’ll just be five more minutes, I promise,” He laughed softly, and you frowned, “You find something funny Rafi?” You asked.

“Just remembering how many times I’ve said that to you,” he replied, and then you did laugh. He was smiling, but then he wasn’t. You finished your paperwork, deciding to let him bring whatever it was up when he was ready. You were packing up your briefcase when he said your name.

“What’s up?” You asked softly. His lip quivered just slightly as he shifted around nervously for a moment, but then he just said it,

“Would you still love me if I wasn’t a lawyer?” His voice was soft, but it made you jerk to attention all the same.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You asked softly, feeling confused. You already knew your answer to the question, but now you wanted to know where this was coming from. Did he not want to come back to SVU?

“I don’t know,” he whispered, trying to duck out of the question, but you didn’t let him. “I just—what if I can’t do it. Huang said—”

“Rafael, look at me, I will love you no matter what. I will love you if you want to flip burgers at McDonalds, but I want you to do what you want. If you think about it and decide not to come back to SVU, that’s your choice,” you said softly, “Don’t think about what Huang says to you, or what you think I want. If you think about it and don’t want to come back, then I will support whatever you want,” He gulped, looking at his feet. You wrapped an arm around him after pulling on your jacket. “Don’t be upset, I seriously will love you no matter what you do,”

“Even if I wanna be a stripper?” There was a teasing tone to his voice that made you laugh.

“Only if you give me free shows,” you teased with a wink.

“Rule is no touching,” he said with a little smirk, and you laughed again. You grabbed his hand, walking with him from the office. Carmen was at Jerome’s desk, and they both waived at Rafael who smiled and waved back.

“I think you’d have to break the rules for me,” You whispered, and he snorted.

“Free shows and you get to touch me. Cariño, that just sounds unfair,” he replied. You held your tongue for a moment as you passed another ADA in the hallway. He stopped and kindly asked Rafael how he was doing, and he admired Gabriella for a few moments. You were about to continue your banter, but suddenly Rafael didn’t seem so amused. He was looking at the floor, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. After a few moments of his silence, you squeezed his hand,

“You alright?” You asked, and he shrugged. You gently ran your thumb over his knuckles in little circles. When he looked over at you, the tears in his eyes were evident. He didn’t say anything more until you were in the cab.

“How am I ever supposed to move on if people are going to constantly ask me about it?” He whispered when you were sitting in the taxi, on the way to lunch. “I’m gonna have questions from reporters, from coworkers, you know I’ll get crack comments from defense lawyers….” You didn’t have a good answer for him. “Everything I’ve ever done isn’t going to matter because of this,”

“That’s not true Rafael,” you murmured, “You’ve done so, so many good things, and every single of them matters. They matter to the victims, they matter for future victims,”

“I can’t believe this is my life right now,” he whispered. “We’re supposed to find out the gender in a week or two,”

“What do you think?” You asked softly, “Will Gabriella have a little brother or sister?”

“Brother. I think it’s a boy,” he answered.

“I hope it’s a boy,” you told him, “And I can name him Rafael,” you were tracing down his fingers and drawing indistinguishable shapes on the palm of his hand. He snorted, but didn’t argue. He stroked his hand over Gabriella’s hair, smoothing it down.

“Look at how big she is,” he whispered. She could keep her head up all in her own and she was starting be very vocal, babbling and reaching for Rafael and for toys. She was growing so, so fast. She had started to stick things in her mouth, and Rafael had freaked out, throwing out or collecting all the little objects he could find. If she barely even made a noise, he’d be rushing over to check her mouth and make sure she wasn’t choking. He also loved to listen to her bable. She would go on and on, making noises that didn’t make any sense, but Rafael would try to decipher what it was. It made you laugh when he’d sit there and repeat back things that sounded similar to what she was saying. Your favorite thing though was coming home to find him rocking her to sleep as he sang softly. Sometimes it was old Cuban songs that his abuela taught him, and sometimes it was songs in English that he loved. “She’s started to cry when I leave the room,” he told you.

“In month or two she’ll probably not want to stay with other people,” you said, leaning your head on his shoulder. “And then she’ll be talking and crawling and walking,”

“Don’t even talk about that,” he said quickly, and you laughed,

“You can’t stop her from growing up Rafa,” you told him, and he shrugged.

“I can avoid it and pretend it isn’t happening,” he said with a chuckle. You shook your head at him, smiling. You reached out and brushed a small piece of hair from Gabriella’s face. She was slumped over, sleeping, her head resting against Rafael’s chest. Her soft eyelashes were dark and visible on her cheek, long like Rafael’s. As you walked into the restaurant, he perked up, smiling and telling the waitress which table he wanted. You watched him as he read his menu, browsing his different options. He ordered a water and an appetizer for you to share, accepting the woman’s offer to bring a high chair over. You watched him happily as he started to eat. “What?” he whispered, looking up, a slight blush spreading across his face.

“You are so much better, you know that right?” you told him, “A month ago you wouldn’t have been eating almost at all,” He didn’t answer, but he smiled slightly. You hoped he saw how much better he was doing because it was incredible to see the difference.

………………………………………………

Rafael was standing in the bedroom, practically quaking as he buttoned up his shirt. It was white with thin grey lines forming clean cut squares. His fingers were shaking, and he fumbled with eat button as he tried to slip them through the correct holes. Usually his hands felt so sure when he was doing it, part of his armour, the cold exterior that protected him. He could fake it so well. He had faked it so long, he had almost tricked himself in to believing he was okay. He stepped into grey dress pants, carefully tucking his shirt in buttoning them. Sitting on the bed, he pulled on a pair of polka dot socks but then he felt frozen. He couldn’t get himself up. His eyes were glued to the wall, and he could feel his breathing speeding up. It felt like his throat was blocked. “Hey,” your voice came from the doorway. You came up behind him, hands going to his shoulders, “Rafa, breathe,” you whispered, “I know how tough this is, but you need to get dressed. We’re going to be late,” He nodded, but he didn’t move. You picked up his belt and his blue suspenders, bringing them to the bed and setting them beside him. He looked at them warily, a few tears starting to leak from his eyes. “Shh, shh, I know,” you wiped the tears away, “Do you want the belt or the suspenders?”

“Both,” he whispered shakily. You gently looped the leather through his belt loops, fastening it. With trembling hands he adjusted it so it was tighter. He stood up for you, helping to clip his suspenders on. You took the tie he had laid out, wrapping it around his neck and crossing the fabric over until you had a nice, tight knot.

“You’re going to get up there and you’re going to tell the jury what happened,” you told him softly, stroking his bicep. Your fingers stroked through the soft tufts of hair at the nape of his neck. “I can’t be in the courtroom, but Liv will, and your Mom will. I’ll wait for you outside,” You stroked his cheek, thumb brushing over his smooth skin. You pressed a kiss to his forehead before helping him slip into his vest, and you fastened the buttons of that. He had his favorite pair of silver cufflinks laid out on the dresser. You clipped them into place, handing him his jacket. He didn’t move. You put a hand on his lower back, nudging him forward to the bathroom, “Do you want me to do your hair?” you asked softly. He shrugged before his face crumpled. “Oh Raf, I know,” you pulled him closer, stroking your fingers through his hair, promising him it was going to be alright.

“I can’t do this,” he whispered, “I just can’t,”

“Yes you can Rafael, it’s court, you’ve been to court thousands of times. Just imagine you’re talking to me. I know you can do it,” you told him gently. He pulled himself together after lots of rocking and shushing.

“I’ll do my hair,” he whispered, toying with his comb. You nodded, giving him some privacy. Rafael stared at himself in the mirror, hating the dark bags under his eyes. He felt sick to his stomach, but he wet the comb, pulling it through his locks, flattening his hair down. Then he carefully combed the gel through it, slicking it across like he usually would wear it. He carefully brushed his teeth and inspected his chin and jaw. He had shaved early in the morning to get it out of the way. After that, he slipped into his jacket, straightening everything out. He felt numb, almost paralyzed with fear. He dabbed some of his cologne on, breathing in the familiar scent. He went out to find you, trying to calm himself. He took a seat on the couch beside you, pulling on his brown dress shoes and tying them carefully. He wasn’t ready for this. He followed you anyways when you told him it was time to go. One minute, he was walking out the door with you, and then the next he was in one of the side rooms in the court house. You were sitting beside him, Gabriella in your arms, and you were talking to him, but he didn’t know what was going on. “How--how did I get here?”

You looked at him, concern majorly evident in your eyes. “Don’t you remember?” you asked softly.

“If I remembered, do you think I’d be asking you,” he snapped, suddenly feeling very angry. He was worried and upset and worked up. He didn’t want to testify. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, “I can’t breathe,”

“Calm down, deep, deep breaths Rafa,” you told him gently. He sucked in a deep breath, but he couldn’t help the hyperventilating. “Listen to me Raf, you can do this. I promise you can. Remember your prep? Just say what you said then. I know you can do it, and I’ll be there to see you right afterwards,” He nodded, pulling you in for a hug before he finally stood up. If Gabriella ever got hurt, he’d want her to be brave, to tell what happened. She consumed his thoughts now, every decision scrutinized in his mind. What would that teach her? Would she look up to him if she knew? He wanted her to see a strong man, a man who was brave enough to face his demons, so that was what he would do. A court officer knocked on the door,

“Rafael Barba? They’re ready for you.”


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate Buchanan 

Rafael felt stiff as he walked in the room. He could barely breathe, but he forced himself to keep moving. He could feel eyes on him, people staring and looking. He couldn’t bring himself to look to the left, to where he knew she was sitting at the defense table. Instead, he kept his eyes on the floor. The witness stand felt unusually intimidating. He stepped into it, so grateful that this procedure was ingrained into his memory. He put his hand on the bible, parroting back the words that were said. Sitting down felt like a relief, his head feeling airy and light. He barely remembered his own name much less what he was supposed to be saying. “Please state your name for the court,” He gulped, putting his hand on the wood and trying to calm himself down,

“Rafael Barba,” he finally managed to squeak. He searched through the crowd, finding his mother’s face first, then Liv’s, and then Rita’s. He wished desperately that you would’ve been there, but because you were testifying later, you couldn’t be. The DA assigned to the case stood up. He was vaguely familiar with them, but not enough that he felt comfortable.

“Mr. Barba,” the young man said with a smile. Rafael had to remind himself how to breathe. “Could you please tell the court your occupation,”

“Objection your honor, relevance,” Buchanan said immediately.

“Your honor, I’m establishing the character of the witness,” the young man said with a charming smile. The judge nodded, overruling the objection.

“You may proceed Mr. DeLuca,” Ah, that was his name. DeLuca. Rafael had talked with him before, he vaguely remembered working on a case together, but it had been a long time. He had been too distracted during prep to notice.

“I’m a prosecutor with the DAs office,” he replied, surprising himself with a fairly steady voice.

“And let’s talk about why you were in the hospital,” DeLuca continued, talking a step toward the jury box. Rafael had to calm himself with a deep breath.

“I was shot in the chest because of work, I had open heart surgery and I was recovering,” he answered.

“How would you describe your physical state at the time?” the young man asked.

“Not good,” he said softly. He knew he needed to be more specific, but he was starting to freak out. “I--I was in a lot of pain, I could barely walk or really move. I was very depressed and anxious, and I would just lay in bed all day. I could barely do my breathing exercises. I had debilitating headaches from my concussion,”

“You just had a daughter correct?” he asked, and Rafael nodded, “And could you hold her?”

“No, I wasn’t allowed. I could barely lift my arms. All I could do was keep her leaning against me,” Rafael explained. He could handle this, but it was getting closer and closer to what he couldn’t talk about. He didn’t want to tell everyone. It was so embarrassing and shameful.

“Let’s move on, can you tell me how you met Ms. Larson,” he asked. Rafael wanted to start scratching himself, but he held off.

“She was my nurse,” he said softly, but then he raised his voice so the jury could hear him, “She would come in and help me do my breathing exercises, and she would touch my hair, rub my back when I was alone. The exercises hurt a lot, I had to cough and it would pull on my incision,” He felt tears starting to soak his cheeks, sripping down onto his shirt. He could barely breathe.

“How did that make you feel?” the young lawyer prompted him.

“At first--” he had to pause, “At first it was comforting, my fiance couldn’t always be with me at the hospital because she was taking care of our newborn baby, and it hurt so bad, so I didn’t mind, but then I was all alone, and I was upset, so uh, she offered to come and talk with me for awhile. She brought me some pudding. She was touching my leg, sitting really close, and I felt really uncomfortable, but I didn’t want to be rude,” he had tears steadily falling at that point. He felt sick to his stomach.

“What happened then?”

“She kissed me. I told her I was flattered, but I was in a relationship--I told her I wasn’t interested. It really shook me up,” Rafael answered, “I told my fiance, and we got into a fight. I was having a panic attack, I couldn’t lose my family, and Ms. Larson brought me some medicine. I took it,”

“Did you know what you were taking?”

“No, she was my nurse, I assumed--I assumed it was something for the anxiety and she gave me like four pills,” he explained, “They made me feel really drowsy and out of it, and then I--I woke up and she was….touching me. My pants were down around my thighs, she was jerking me off,”

“And you didn’t want this?” DeLuca asked softly, and Rafael had to stop himself from sobbing.

“No, no, I asked her to stop, begged her actually, and she just said it felt like I was enjoying myself, and she kept going. She laughed at me and mocked me, and I didn’t want her to, but she wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t--my body just responded. I ejaculated,” he felt his cheeks going red, panic consuming him. It was so embarrassing. He heard a snort, and immediately recognized her voice. The judge smacked her gavel down,

“Mr. Buchanan, keep your client in check,” she scolded.

“Did you tell anyone afterward?” DeLuca asked, coming closer to the stand.

“No, I was terrified that my fiance wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t want to lose my family, so I just kept my mouth shut I tried to be okay,” Rafael explained.

“Were you okay?”

“No, not at all. I got more depressed, I would lay in bed all day and cry,” he answered. He tried to keep himself still, to keep his stance open to the jury, but all he wanted to do was dig his nails into his own skin and make it stop. Everything hurt so bad. His breaths were hitching. His knuckles turned white.

“Mr. Barba, do you need a break?” the judged asked softly. Rafael nodded. He needed to compose himself, he was tumbling quickly down a slippery slope. “Thirty minute recess,” He shakily stepped down, barely staying on his feet.

“Hey Rafa, you’re doing great,” Liv said, reaching him first. She helped him stay upright as he walked. He let his mother pull him into a hug, crying softly against her shirt as she held him.

“Hey, shhh,” she whispered, slipping into Spanish as she tried to comfort him. “You’re doing so good Rafi,” They eventually got him into a side room where he could sit. He dropped his head into his hands, nausea overwhelming him. He didn’t even move when the door opened, but he knew it was you,

“Hey handsome,” your soft voice helped to sooth the raging panic that was inside him. “I brought you a coffee, and I’m right here,” You knelt down beside him, “Can I touch you?” He nodded, so you rubbed his back, small circles over his jacket. You stayed with him for the whole thirty minutes until he had to go back in. He was more than a little reluctant.

“Please don’t make me,” he whispered, “I really don’t want to,” He held tight to you, but he knew he needed to go back.

“You’re almost done,” you promised, “You’re almost done, and then this is all over,”

“Okay,” he nodded. He went back in, wiping his eyes and taking a seat again.

“Alright Mr. Barba, can you tell me about the next time you saw Ms. Larson?” DeLuca asked him.

“I saw her a few times when she came in to look at my incision, but then I was trying to read, to calm down, when she came in. I asked her to leave, and I tried to call my fiance, but she injected me with something. I immediately felt weak. She touched me and kissed me, took my catheter out, and then, then she raped me,” he said, starting to cry again.

“Alright Mr. Barba, thank you,” DeLuca said softly. Rafael stiffened when Buchanan stood up.

“Rafael,” he said, a disarming smile on his face.

“Objection your honor, please instruct the defense to only refer to the witness by his last name,” DeLuca said, standing up.

“Sustained, Mr. Buchanan,” the judge replied.

“Fine, Mr. Barba, let’s discuss your testimony,” he said, still smiling in a way that made Rafael uncomfortable. “You said your daughter was a newborn, you had to have been feeling overwhelmed, maybe scared to be a new father. I know I was when my daughter was born,”

“I was excited, a little nervous yes, but I was happy,” Rafael replied. He already didn’t like where this was going.

“So you told Mr. DeLuca that Ms. Larson kissed you, and your fiance found out and got upset?” Buchanan continued.

“I guess that’s correct. I told my fiance,” he answered.

“So you felt guilty?”

“I guess, but not in the way you mean. I didn’t kiss her back, I didn’t want her to kiss me,” he said, but Buchanan wasn’t convinced.

“Whatever you say,” he countered.

“Objection,” DeLuca said, but Buchanan immediately withdrew the comment.

“You had just been shot, you had a new baby, your life was spiraling out of control. You wanted to regain some of that, maybe you needed to decompress,” Buchanan said,

“No,” he replied sharply.

“You wanted to have sex with Ms. Larson. She offered, you didn’t say no, but you couldn’t lose your family,” he continued to speak. Rafael was starting to hyperventilate again.

“No, I didn’t,” he managed to choke out.

“You asked her for drugs, and she gave you some more, you had sex, but you were scared your fiance would find out so you cried rape,” Rafael’s chest felt tight, his pulse pounding in his head. He started to cough, his arm aching and his head pounding. He couldn’t breathe at all. His vision was tunneling. “You have all of your connections, DAs, judges, people in the legislature, they hear a New York ADA was raped and they jump all over it,”

“Objection your honor,” DeLuca said, but Rafael was hunched over.

“Mr. Barba, are you okay?” the judge asked, but Rafael couldn’t talk. He was gasping for breath.

“Your honor, he has a heart condition,” he faintly heard a voice say, and he thought he recognized it, but he wasn’t positive. Everything felt fuzzy, his chest feeling like it was going to explode. He felt himself being lowered to the cold ground, and he tried to open his eyes, but it was all blurry. He saw a few figures leaning over him,

“Just breathe Rafael,” was the last thing he heard as an oxygen mask was lowered onto his mouth. Then he blacked out. 


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little shorter than I’d hoped but it’s bed time. Hope you guys enjoy! :)
> 
> Edit: I figured out why it was so short....I was so tired last night I forgot a whole chunk

Everything felt fuzzy and cloudy, and he was acutely aware of how much pain he was in. It felt like he was moving rapidly, all he could hear were garbled voices and a steady noise of airflow. He forced his eyes open despite the sudden exhaustion and gummy substance that felt like it was gluing his eyelids shut. He saw blurry silhouettes leaned over him, something strong pinning him down. The cold air was hitting his bare skin, and he started to panic again, but then there were familiar fingers in his hair and your soft voice that he’d recognize anywhere whispering in his ear. “You’re okay Rafi, stay calm, stay calm. I’m right here,” he could hear the edge of tears in your words.

“M’okay,” He whispered, even though he could feel the air hitting the tears on his cheeks, “I promised,” he heard you laugh softly.

“They’re just going to lift you up quick and then I’ll hold your hand okay?” You whispered. He squeezed your hand in response before letting it go. He felt so dizzy and confused. Who was lifting him up? He wanted to roll over and throw up. He felt a bit calmer when you were holding his hand again. He just let himself shut his eyes and focused on your familiar fingers intertwined with his. “Stay awake,” your voice was soft, “Just stay awake Rafael,”

“Y/N,” he said his voice raising with panic, he was going to vomit everywhere, he started tapping your arm when you didn’t respond, and then you lifted something off his face, and he realized you probably hadn’t understood a word he’d said up to that point. He had forgotten about the oxygen mask. “M’gonna throw up,” he managed to whisper, and then he was being lifted onto his side and he couldn’t stop the gagging. He lurched slightly with each one until he finally started vomiting. He couldn’t stop for a few minutes, but you were rubbing his back, and stroking his hair. Finally he collapsed back, gasping in breaths.

“Mr. Barba, here sit up. I’m going to give you some Gatorade, do not swallow. I want you to swish it around in your mouth and then spit it out, okay?” One of the paramedics said to him. Rafael nodded, groaning as they got him upright. The red Gatorade got rid of the bad taste in his mouth, and he spit it out obediently. “This is aspirin, chew it up, it will help,” he nodded once more and did as he was told. They let him lay down again after that, the oxygen mask back in place and you whispering gently in his ear.

“I’m gonna die,” he whispered, and you told him to quiet down, but he couldn’t. He grabbed your wrist, feeling the darkness start to creep back up on him. You gently lifted the mask from his face. “T-Tell Gabriella I love her. Every day,” he whispered. He saw the heartbreak on your face.

“Don’t talk like that Rafael, you aren’t going to die,” you told him softly.

“I’m really—really tired,” he mumbled, “L-love you, okay?”

“No sleeping Rafa, you gotta stay awake baby,” you told him gently, “You can sleep soon, but not now,”

“It’s okay,” he whispered, his eyes starting to drift shut. He felt so exhausted, “It’s okay,” And then he let the darkness consume him.

………………………………………….

Beeping. Loud, steady beeping and his head was aching. He blinked a few times, and then noticed that he could breathe again. His chest felt like it was on fire though. His heart was pounding, his stomach rolling. He blinked a few times, groaning softly. All he could feel was dizziness and pain, but he immediately relaxed when he felt your fingers in his hair. “Hey,” your voice was soft, “You scared me half to death Rafa,”

“M’sorry,” he murmured. He could feel cool air in his nostrils, the sterile smell of hospital and recycled air. He was starting to feel a little bit panicked again, being back in the hospital. He tried to relax, telling himself he could go back home whenever he felt well enough to actually open his eyes and sit up.

“No apologizing, just rest. You had a hard day,” you told him. He nodded, breathing softly.

“Y/N, I’m thirsty,” he said softly. His throat felt parched, scratchy and painful when he swallowed. “Where’s the doctor? I want to go home,”

“I’m going to get you something to drink if the nurse says it’s okay, and the doctor will be in soon to talk with us. They hooked you up to an EKG,” you told him gently, “They don’t seem too worried which is a relief to me,”

“M’kay,” he whispered, feeling so tired. He pulled his blanket up more, feeling cold. He snuggled into his pillow, waiting for you to bring him water. He shut his eyes.

“He’s sleeping,” Rafael blinked, hearing soft talking somewhere beside his bed.

“How can they let that man say those things about Rafi?” he recognized his mother’s voice.

“The judge chewed him out in chambers later, he was badgering Raf. The judge told him anything else and he’d be fined for contempt. We’re lucky we even got that,” he smiled, hearing you try to explain legal intricacies to his mother. He loved how good you were with her. “I think the jury will definitely be on our side after this,” Then you were sitting next to him, your fingers brushing through his hair, nails gently scraping against his scalp.

“I wish, I wish I had protected him, he looks so small, so scared. It breaks my heart,” his mother said softly. Rafael felt tears welling up in his eyes, knowing she felt guilty about what happened to him as a child. He was still angry at times, but he was working on forgiving her. He knew he needed to forgive her, but sometimes he couldn’t help it. “I think I knew. I-I think I knew and blocked it out, I couldn’t be that blind could I?”

“Lucia, don’t blame yourself. You can’t change the past, but you can be here for him now. He needs us,” your voice was gentle. Your nails were gentle as you scratched his back softly. He let out a little sigh, trying to decide if he wanted to open his eyes and try to wake up or sleep more. He still was tired, and he had no idea how long he had actually been napping. He needed a drink so badly.

“Y/N,” he finally whispered. His voice was so drowsy, and his chest was hurting. “I’m not feeling so well,”

“Okay, sweetheart, hold tight for just a second,” you said gently. You helped him move onto his back and propped him up with a few pillows. He blinked a few times, his eyes still feeling heavy. “What’s wrong?”

“My head,” he breathed, “And my chest. I need a drink,”

“Okay, here’s some ice chips. The doctor will be in to talk to you in a couple minutes,” you told him. You left the room briefly after handing him a cup with ice cubes. His mother was sitting quietly by his bed, like she didn’t know what to say to him.

“Hi Mami,” he said softly.

“Hola Rafi,” she replied, “How are you feeling?”

“Like crap,” he murmured, reaching up to rub his forehead. He didn’t like the room, it made him feel tense, his stomach twisting up in knots when he thought about being there any longer. He wanted to go home and sleep and never get up. He crunched on another piece of ice, the cool water soothing his irritated throat. “Where’s Gabriella?”

“I think one of the detectives is watching her,” Lucia said softly, “Maybe Benson? Or Carisi? I came right here after you collapsed,”

“I want her,” he whispered, “I want her now. She makes everything better,”

“Raf, can I talk to you about something?” she asked softly, coming over to sit on the edge of his bed. He nodded, but he didn’t look up from his paper cup, “I know you said you forgive me, and I know you’re trying, but I want to say this to you. You were brave when you were a little boy, you protected me from your father, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to protect you. I should have noticed something was very wrong, I should have helped you. I remember your sheets had blood on them, but I told myself you had a nose bleed or something. I should have known, and I am so, so sorry,” Rafael suddenly had tears running down his face again, and he tried to swallow around a lump in his throat. He managed to nod even though he couldn’t talk, and he leaned into his mother’s arms. He remembered the day like yesterday, he had been fourteen and his father showed up, completely wasted. His parents had gotten into a huge fight as always and he could hear her screaming. For awhile, he closed himself in his closet, covering his ears, but then he felt so guilty. He had to do something. He couldn’t just let her get hurt, so he went out there. Rafael had ambushed him from behind, but it hadn’t gone well other than distracting him. Rafael had ended up on the floor, and all he heard was the fists pounding against his skull and her screaming. He had woken up in a hospital after that, and the story had been he fell down a flight of stairs. There had always been a story.

“Mami, it’s okay. It’s over,” he finally whispered, “And I’m getting better, I’ll keep getting better,”

“Rafael, I told you to be careful,” the voice from the door startled him. He knew Dr. Yang wasn’t completely serious.

“What can I say, I’m a rebel,” he replied with a soft laugh.

“Well I have some news for the both of you that I think you’ll be very happy with. I know you were all concerned he may have had a heart attack, but after some testing, I’m fairly positive it was only anxiety,” the doctor said and he heard you breathe a sigh of relief, “Now for the bad news,” Rafael felt dread twisting up in his abdomen, his hand twisting into the sheets, “You’re going to have to say here overnight for observation,” He felt you squeeze his hand. Rafael felt his heartbeat starting to race again,

“I-I can’t do that. Please, I need to go home,” he said, closing his eyes and trying to calm down. “I can’t,”

“It’s just one night Rafael,” you said softly, trying desperately to calm him down, “One night and you can go home. I won’t leave you for even a second,” He shut his eyes and sobbed. “You can do this,” He cried for a little while before he calmed himself down and nodded softly. He felt numb. It was so unfair. “Sweetheart, I will not leave you. I promise,”

“I guess if I have to,” he whispered, and you nodded, taking his hand and stroking your fingers through his hair,

“It’s going to be okay. I promise,” you told him. He didn’t look very convinced.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sacrificed two hours of sleep to write the rest of this 

  
Despite his anxiety, Rafael was exhausted. You could barely get dinner into him before he passed out again. Lucia helped you shift him around so he was laying flat and wouldn’t be sore when he woke up. You ate the other half of his sandwich because he was out like a light, and you knew he’d want you to eat something. You did some paperwork while he was sleeping until you were too tired to keep doing it, and then you watched him sleep, hoping you would slip into dreamland yourself.

When you woke up, you were slumped over on Rafael’s stomach, and it was still dark outside. He was softly breathing in and out, still unmoving. You shifted around, snuggling into him more. He was so soft and familiar. You wanted to climb up in the bed and cuddle up into his arms, but you didn’t think that would go over well. You were half asleep again when he started to shake and mumble like he usually would at the beginning of a nightmare. You stroked his stomach, quietly trying to shush him, but it didn’t help. Soon enough he was thrashing around, starting to talk louder, tears on his cheeks. “No, no, por favor,” he muttered, and you stroked back the sweaty hair from his forehead. Lucia was beside you in moments,

“What’s wrong?” She asked softly.

“He’s having a nightmare….again. Rafa, baby, you’re safe here, wake up,” you said gently after explaining it to her. You shook his shoulder. “Rafael,”

“No stop, please stop,” he begged, voice raising with every word. You shook him again, stroking his arm and shoulder,

“Rafael, it’s Y/N, he’s not here to hurt you anymore, he’s dead,” you told him gently. His eyes finally flew open and he was breathing heavily, his bloodshot gaze finally focusing on you.

“Y/N,” he whispered, his voice so broken and small. You sat beside him on the bed, pulling your legs up with you and letting him lean against you, your fingers threading through his hair as he tucked his face against your shoulder. His hands held onto your sides like he was trying to ground himself.

“I’m right here,” you assured him as he huddled up against you, his sobs breaking your heart. Lucia looked lost, standing beside the bed, but you waved her forward to sit down. You knew she wanted to help, but she obviously was caught off guard by her only son being reduced to pieces of his usual self. She didn’t seem to know what to do or say. It had been a little while since he had a nightmare. “Here, rub his back, he’ll tell you if he doesn’t like it. Talk to him, tell him you’re here and you love him,”

“Hey Rafi, it’s okay,” she whispered, and he turned his head.

“Mami?” He asked, his voice not even close to steady.

“Yeah mijo, it’s me. I’m right here,” she told him gently, and you smiled. You gently stroked your hand through his hair until he calmed down, just sniffling and laying in your arms. Lucia sat beside you, rubbing his back every now and then.

“Tomorrow will be better, I promise,” you told him, kissing his temple. He nodded, too vulnerable and tired to try and have a coherent conversation. With a little bit of rocking, he dozed off in your arms, and you pulled the blanket up, tucking it around him.

“Does he get those a lot?” Lucia’s whisper broke the silence. You ran a hand through his hair again,

“Yeah, mostly when he’s stressed out. Sometimes during tough cases, he wakes up screaming two or three times. He tries to pretend he’s okay, but I can always tell when he’s not,” you said softly, “He feels like he’s a burden, so he doesn’t like to tell me, but lately he’s been so overwhelmed that he can’t even try to hide it,”

“Thank you,” she whispered, and you looked at her,

“For what?” you asked softly, and she smiled, coming closer to you.

“For loving my son and taking good care of him,” she told you, pulling you into a hug. You nodded.

“He loves you a lot, I hope you know that,” you told her, “He tries to hard to get over everything because he loves you, and now I think he knows you love him too,”

“I’m glad,” she whispered.

……………………………………………………..

Shuffling footsteps and beeping. He could hear loud talking, noises from machines, what sounded like a loudspeaker. His mouth felt as dry as the desert, his lips cracked. He groaned, his eyes blinking open as he tried to adjust to the lights. He was so tired still, his body feeling worn down. There was something on him, something solid and for a second he panicked, but then his vision cleared and he saw you, passed out half on top of him. He ran his fingers through your hair, nails grazing over your back. He loved you so much. He wanted to let you sleep, so he shifted around just slightly, pulling you into his arms and shutting his eyes. He hated waking you up in the middle of the night, but his nightmare had been bad last night. He pressed his face against your hair, breathing softly and trying to keep himself calm. He was in a hospital, but he was with you, and he knew you’d keep him safe. He could feel your soft breaths on his skin, his hand rubbing your back as he shut his eyes.

“Mr. Barba?” The voice startled both him and you, and he blinked, looking up at the nurse who was coming in his room. You blinked, rubbing your face and sitting up, but he was too busy curling in on himself. “I need to take your vitals,”

“No,” he said, making himself as small as possible.

“Dr. Yang needs to see them,” she tried again, and you sighed as he shook his head.

“Can you send a male nurse please, he’s had some bad experiences at this hospital,” You asked softly. She looked at you weird, but nodded. You rubbed his arm as he tried to breathe. “Honey, They won’t hurt you. I’m right here,” you told him softly, “They need to take your vitals, so they can discharge you,”

“I don’t like it here,” he whispered, starting to cry again. You sat beside him, pulling him into your arms. Lucia was quiet, sitting in the chair beside the bed and letting you try to calm him down. “I want to go home,”

“I know you don’t like it here,” you murmured, “I know, but it’s almost over. We’ll go home soon. You did really good last night, you were so brave. You think you can be brave for me for a couple more hours?” He nodded, but clung to you all the same. You had to pry him off when the nurse came in. “I’ll hold your hand,” you offered. He squeezed tight when the man felt his pulse, and then shut his eyes while they took his blood pressure.

“Almost done Mr. Barba,” the nurse assured him, “How’s your chest feeling this morning?”

“It still hurts,” he said softly, reaching up and swiping at stray tears, “And my head hurts,”

“I’ll see if we can get you some medicine to help with that. Are you feeling up to eating this morning?” he asked, writing a few things down on the chart. Rafael shrugged.

“He’ll try to eat something,” you said softly, squeezing his hand. The nurse nodded,

“I’ll be back with some water for you, and after you eat Dr. Yang should be in to talk about your EKG results and everything else. Hopefully I’ll be filling out the discharge paperwork in an hour or two,” the man said kindly. Rafael let his head fall back, and you comforted him the best you could.

“It’s almost over,” you promised. He nodded.

……………………………….

When you got Rafael home, he laid on the couch with Gabriella. He seemed lethargic and depressed. “Rafi,” you said softly, “Do you want some lunch?”

“I’m good,” he whispered, rubbing her back, “But she needs a bottle,” You nodded, warming up her bottle so he could feed her. You didn’t want to argue with him or stress him out anymore than necessary. He sat up when you brought him the bottle, carefully feeding her. Gabriella grabbed at the bottle, trying to hold it up herself, and he smiled at her.

“Dr. Yang said you can finish the trial, do you feel up to finishing your testimony?” you asked softly.

“I don’t even want to think about it,” he said softly. You sighed, him avoiding the truth wouldn’t help anything.

“Rafa--” you started to say, but he cut in.

“No,” his voice was sharp, on the edge of panic, “I can’t right now. I just want to hold Gabriella and forget about everything,” You went quiet, not sure what to say to him. He was visibly upset and distressed, but he was clamming up.

“Don’t let this take you two steps back Rafael. You know you need to talk about this. I can call Huang if you want,” you said softly. He clenched his jaw, not answering. He was angry, and you wanted to help him, to make it better.

“What do you know about it,” he finally said softly, “Right now I need this, and I don’t need you telling me what to do,” He stomped off to the bedroom, and you sat back, covering your face with your hands. You hated this.

……………………………………………

Rafael was silent in the cab. He hadn’t been talking to you very much the past few days, and you wished that somehow you could get him to stop being so angry. He shifted around in his seat, toying with his cufflink. He wouldn’t even look up. When you got to the courthouse, he quietly got out of the car, and Liv guided him up the stairs through the hoard of media that was shouting completely insensitive questions at him. Huang was waiting outside the door, but Rafael just brushed past him, sitting down at a table by himself. “How’s he doing?” Huang asked softly.

“Awful,” you admitted, “He won’t even talk to me,”

“Is he cutting?” he asked you, and honestly, you weren’t sure. You hadn’t noticed him doing it if he was, but you weren’t able to keep tabs on him twenty-four seven. You looked through the window, and he was sitting in the chair, his head dropped into his hands. Liv was talking to him softly, sitting beside him and rubbing his arm. You hated that you were distressing him even more at this point. He had regressed back to sleeping on his own, he was barely talking or eating, and it was upsetting to watch.

“Not that I know of. You should ask him though,” you said softly, “I think he’s feeling violated again by Buchanan. I want to help him, but I don’t know what to do anymore,”

“I’ll talk with him, and hopefully we can sort this out. We have a half hour before he needs to finish his testimony,” George told you. You nodded, shaking you head and hoping this would work. Otherwise, you felt like you were out of options. 


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbh I think this is a record for me lately lmao. I got it done early for once 

Rafael was sitting up at the witness stand, breathing in and out softly. He was trying to stay calm because his body couldn’t handle more stress. “How are you feeling Mr. Barba?” Buchanan asked, standing up.

“Objection your honor, please have Mr. Buchanan confine his questions to the case,” DeLuca said, rising to his feet. You shook your head, sighing from the gallery. This was already going bad. Rafael shifted uncomfortably, adjusting his vest slight and breathing slowly.

“Mr. Buchanan, I won’t warn you again,” the judge said sharply, “If you continue to harass Mr. Barba or to try and embarrass or intimidate him, I will find you in contempt of court and I will remove you from this case,”

“Of course your honor,” he replied, and Rafael felt himself tense up. “I want to ask you a few questions about the drugs then,”

“Okay,” He whispered, steeling himself for more humiliation.

“So you said that Ms. Larson handed you drugs when you told her you had a panic attack. What did you expect her to do?” He asked. Rafael frowned,

“Give me the correct dose of them,” he finally said softly.

“Well what would that be for you?” Buchanan asked.

“Objection your honor, Mr. Barba isn’t an expert witness or a doctor,” DeLuca said, and the judge sustained it.

“Your tox screen showed you overdosed, but who’s to say that didn’t happened from another nurse. Is it true your chart was incorrect at times?” Buchanan asked.

“Objection,” DeLuca said again, “Hearsay. Mr. Barba never saw the chart, and Mr. Buchanan is questioning him on a statement that was made by someone else,”

“Sustained. Mr. Buchanan don’t waste my time,” the judge said.

“Fine, Mr. Barba, did you ask Ms. Larson for the drugs?” He asked.

“No, I did not,” He said, his eyes glued to his hands. He knew he should look up at the jury or at Buchanan, but he couldn’t.

“In fact, when she gave you the pills, did she behave in a suspicious way? Did she shove them down your throat?” Buchanan asked. Rafael would have objected to the question, but DeLuca kept his mouth shut.

“No, she handed them to me and told me I needed to calm down. I was in the middle of having a panic-” Rafael tried to explain, but Buchanan cut him off.

“Were you panicking the second time that you allege she assaulted you?” The lawyer continued. Rafael had to pinch himself to stave off a flashback. He hated talking about if, hated remembering it, hated all of this.

“Yes. The moment she stepped in the room I started to panic,” he replied.

“Her presence in the room upset you to the point that she had to inject you with anti anxiety drugs?” He sounded skeptical.

“She knew I wasn’t going to take pills from her again. She was trying to incapacitate me,” it was out before she could stop himself. Buchanan objected, of course, and the jury was told to disregard his statement.

“Let me ask you this Mr. Barba, have you ever had a drug problem?” Buchanan asked. Rafael froze. How could he possibly know about that?

“I struggled with Xanax after my assault,” he finally admitted.

“So you’re a prescription drug addict?” Buchanan pressed.

“I’m clean, I haven’t taken them in months,” Rafael replied stonily. He clenched his jaw, his hand whitening as he gripped the edge of the witness box.

“And why should any of us believe that?” Buchanan responded.

“Objection your honor,” DeLuca called, but Rafael wasn’t going to bite his tongue.

“I’ll take a drug test right here right now, I’m clean,” he growled.

“No more questions your honor,” he said, and Rafael could barely breathe.

“You can step down Mr. Barba,” the judge said gently. He couldn’t move. He felt frozen in place. “Mr. Barba?”

“Your Honor, I’m not feeling so well,” he whispered, “I need some help,”

“Bailiff, please help Mr. Barba down and take him somewhere where he can rest,” the judge instructed, and Rafael nodded his thanks. He felt dizzy as he walked, tears clouding his vision and his body shaking as he took a few steps with the support of the other man. He spent fifteen solid minutes hunched over the toilet in the men’s bathroom puking his guts out and sobbing. There had been knocking on the door earlier, but he ignored it, instead choosing to curl up in the corner afterwards. His back was hunched, his elbows resting against his knees, head buried in his hands. He felt like he was going to be sick again, feeling dizzy and lightheaded. Another knock increased the pouding.

“Rafael, it’s Liv,” the voice filtered through the door. “Can I come in?” He thought about saying no or screaming or throwing a fit that was worthy of an exhausted two year old just to get some frustration out, but he was too tired.

“Sure,” he said softly. He heard the door creak open and footsteps approaching.

“You did great up there Rafael,” she said softly, but he just laughed bitterly, shaking his head.   
“Not you too, please, I need someone to be straight with me,” he whispered, shaking his head and trying not to cry.

“You know I’m always honest with you Rafael,” Liv said softly, “Listen to me, you did great. Buchanan was trying to bait you, but you handled it. You made it through. DeLuca will get Huang up on the stand and he’ll explain the drug situation. You’re okay,” Rafael sniffled, hand tangled in his own hair as he rocked back and forth. He started to sob, his broken cries making his chest heave.

“Fuck, I’m so fucked up,” he whispered.

“No Raf, you’re okay, it’s all over now,” she promised, wrapping an around around his torso, pulling him close, “It’s okay, listen to me, you’re okay,”

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m falling apart,” he whispered, sobbing.

“Just breathe right now,” Liv murmured, rubbing his back as he leaned into her arms. “That’s it, keep breathing and you’ll start to feel better,” He nodded softly, swiping at the tears on his cheeks. “We’ll make all of this work,”

……………………………………….

You had just put Gabriella down, and you still hadn’t seen Rafael in hours. He had disappeared into the bedroom immediately after getting home, refusing dinner when you offered and locking the door. You had tried texting him a few times, knocking on the door, but he didn’t answer. You curled up on the couch, trying to hold yourself together, but all you wanted to do was cry. You were startled by the sound of a door creaking open, and you stood up, hearing him heading down the hallway and the bathroom door clicked shut. You followed him into the bedroom, “Rafa, can we talk?” you asked softly. He looked back at you with bloodshot eyes, his anger visible. He was only wearing a pair of loose sweatpants.

“What good would that do,” he whispered, sounding defeated. He collapsed down onto the bed, scooting back so he could lean against the headboard. You took a seat beside him on the bed. You looked forward, drawing your knees up to your chest,

“Don’t say stuff like that Rafael,” you murmured. He shook his head, refusing to meet your eyes,

“Everything is fucked up. You should just go,” he said softly,

“So that’s it, you’re just going to give up? Rafael please, talk to me. I want to help you,” you told him, shifting over onto your knees and looking at him.

“Don’t you understand? You can’t help me. You’re trying to fix something that can’t be fixed!” his voice was raising steadily as he hit a breaking point. “I’m ruined, and you better get out before I ruin you too,”

“Rafael--”

“No!” he interrupted, but you kept pressing. You were gently, touching his arms, leaning closer to him,

“Baby, please listen to me,” you whispered, “Please,”

“I can’t listen anymore, I can’t think about this,” he was growing more agitated by the minute, his hands threading through his hair as he started rocking back and forth.

“What can I do to help?” you asked him softly, but he went quiet. He let you pull him into your arms, and he pressed his face against your shirt, clinging. You felt him start to relax against you, and then his lips were pressing against your neck, his hands slipping under the hem of your shirt.

“Can I?” he breathed shakily. You nodded, and he pulled the shirt over your head, dragging you in for a frantic kiss. His fingers tangled in your hair, cupping the back of your head to hold you steady as he pressed his tongue against your lips, seeking permission. You opened up for him, and his tongue delved into your mouth, lips insistent, reducing you to putty in his hands. You groaned softly as he palmed at your breast, maneuvering you to lay down on your back. “This is okay right?” he whispered, and you nodded, hands trailing down the curve of his back. He shivered slightly at the soft touch, fingers fumbling with the clasp of your bra. His fingers were gentle as they rolled a rosy nipple between them, lips mouthing at your neck. He worked his way down your chest, tongue dragging across your breasts until you were arching against him. His fingers dipped under your waistband, dragging your leggings from your hips along with your panties. He gently ran two fingers across your core, getting you used to his touch before dipping two fingers inside of you and ensuring you were slick enough to take him comfortably. “Are you okay?” he asked, and you nodded.

“Go ahead,” you whispered. He nodded, dragging down his sweatpants and his boxers, before gently lining himself up and pressing inside of you. It was uncomfortable and bordering painful at first because it had been so long, but he stayed still to ensure you could adjust. His green eyes were locked on your own, reading your expression. He started to move just shallowly, to try and help, and soon enough the pain faded and you were locking your legs around his hips, “Okay baby, go ahead,” you whispered. He intertwined your fingers with his, hands on top your yours as he braced himself and started to roll his hips against yours. His movements were slow, his hips rocking in and out, lips trailing across the hollow of your neck. “Oh Raf,” you breathed, “Jesus,”

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice shaky as he spoke against your skin. He started moving faster and faster, his thrusts growing sloppier and sloppier. His fingers trailed up your sweat thighs, thumb rubbing tight circles on your clit, lips returning to yours. You used your free hand to feel his skin, fingers trailing down his slick, feverish side. He was insistent, slowing his movements down, forcing himself to be precise, hitting that spot inside you that drew constant moans and cries from your lips until you were coming apart in his arms. He sped up after that, growing frantic and hurried as he lifted your hips up and thrusted fast and deep until he was shuddering with his own release. He collapsed down into your arms, his skin sticking to yours, face pressed against your chest. You ran your fingers through his hair and down his back as he laid in your arms silently. Finally, he fell asleep, arms winding around your waist while you rubbed his back and held him tight. You weren’t entirely sure what had just happened, but you hoped to god it wouldn’t make things worse. 


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I missed last night, I really needed to sleep lol. Hope you guys enjoy this chapter....somehow I’m still not done ha

You woke up, feeling warm and tired. You blinked, moving your head so you could breathe in air and not a faceful of his hair. He shifted slightly in your arms, but he woke up fully when you started to try and untangle yourself. His arms curled around your waist, pulling you back down, “No, don’t leave,” his voice was gravely and vulnerable.

“Baby, I gotta go to court,” you murmured, “I have to testify today,”

“No, stay. I don’t care about that. I just want you,” he whispered, his breath hitching.

“Don’t say that, you do care,” you argued. He shook his head, but instead of answering he pressed his face against your neck. His hands trailed up and down your sides, and then he was kissing your skin again, his knee nudging your legs apart,

“I need you,” he breathed, and you paused. You were concerned about him, and you didn’t really have time. “Please Y/N, please,” he whispered. You ran your fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

“Two conditions,” you whispered finally, and he nodded, “We have to talk later. LIke really talk about things, and you have to be fast Rafa, I can’t be late,”

“Okay,” he whispered, already shifting you around so you’d lay down flat. You were so confused about what was going on with him, but you let him kiss your neck, working his way down until your nipple slipped into his mouth. He sucked and rolled it between his teeth, his tongue flicking over it. You had to bite your lip, gripping onto his hair. “Let me hear you,” he murmured before latching his mouth on your breast again.

“Oh God,” you groaned as his fingers worked their way down to your entrance. He was gentle with you, touching you until he thought you were ready. Careful, knowing you were sore from the night before, he pushed in slowly. He pressed his face against your neck, breathing heavily the whole time. He was true to his word, working you up in record time, and when he finished, he curled up in your arms, holding tight. “Sweet heart, I can’t stay. I’ll be back soon,”

“Okay,” he whispered, but he didn’t let go.

“Raf, I’ll be back this afternoon. I promise,” you told him, pulling him in for a kiss. He nodded, finally relinquishing his hold on you. You kissed him one more time, “I’ll call you during breaks. If you need anything or if you want to come, Liv should have her phone on her,”

“Okay,” he replied, rolling over and shutting his eyes. Brady jumped up on the bed as you dressed yourself. He curled up against Rafael’s back, licking at his skin, and your husband groaned softly. You placed one more kiss on Rafael’s head before leaving and going to court.

……………………………………..

You were walking out of the courtroom when you saw Huang across the room. He smiled at you, excusing himself from the person he was talking to come see you. “How are you?” he asked softly, “I heard you did great up there,”

“Yeah well it’s hard to forget walking in a hospital room to find your fiancé drenched in urine and violated,” you whispered, running your hand through your hair, “I’m just glad it’s over,”

“How is Rafael? I haven’t heard from him about his next appointment,” he asked. You bit your lip, unsure if you wanted to share.

“He’s acting odd,” you finally said softly, “Suddenly he needs sex constantly which is fine, I don’t mind, but I am just worried about why he’s asking and everything,” Huang frowned, pausing for a moment,

“Let’s go talk somewhere,” he finally suggested. You nodded, following him to a room where you sat down. “Tell me about it,”

“Well last night he disappeared for hours into his room, and he came out to use the bathroom, so I went to talk to him. I suggested we talk, but he didn’t want to, and then he started kissing my neck and pulling at my clothes. I let him. And then this morning, he didn’t want me to leave, and then he asked again, and like I said, I didn’t mind, but I don’t know if something is wrong or….” you trailed off.

“Okay, well he sounds like he’s just trying to take some control back to me,” Huang said after a few minutes, “I think having consensual sex is therapeutic for him right now. He knows that you won’t hurt him, and that it can stop at anytime, and it makes him feel safe. Don’t encourage him to be having sex constantly, but if he asks, I don’t think you need to say no or anything. Make sure you take care of yourself. Even if he wants it, if you don’t, say no. He would be devastated if he hurt you,”

“Okay,” you replied, nodding. That made you feel better.

“How’s he doing with the trial?” George asked.

“He said today that he doesn’t care about it,” you told him, feeling nervous about that particular response.

“He might be nervous. He’s trying to prepare himself for a bad verdict,” Huang said softly, “Well, tell him I’d like to see him in the next day or two, and call if you need me,”

“Thank you George,” you whispered, “I don’t know what I’d do without you,”

………………..

When you got home, the lights were off, and the tv was on in the living room. You saw his head peeking up over the back of the couch, so you set your things down and went over to sit beside him. “Hey handsome,” you said softly.

“Hi,” He whispered. He was only in a pair of boxers, his face unshaved, his hair messy.

“Are you feeling okay?” You asked softly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He shrugged, leaning his head against you.

“How was court?” He asked softly. He was trying to sound disinterested, but you knew he cared a lot.

“It was good, my testimony went well. Huang said he wants to see you in the next few days,” you said, starting to rub his back. He sighed contentedly, scooting closer to you.

“I’ll call him,” he whispered, eyes fluttering shut as you moved up to his hair.

“Do you want to go out? It’s only six. I thought maybe we could get some coffee and talk for a bit,” You asked. Rafael didn’t answer at first, cuddling into you before he nodded.

“Are we bringing Gabriella?” He asked, and you shook your head,

“I’ll call Liv or Sonny or something,” you replied. You wanted to give him your full and undivided attention. He sighed, getting up and heading back toward the bedroom to get dressed. You picked your daughter up out of the pack and play and held her close. You missed being home with her all day. She started batting at your hair, making soft cooing noises, and you laughed. “Hey baby, how are you? Mommy missed you all day,” you kissed her forehead, carrying her back to the nursery where you got her dressed in something warmer. “Did you have a good time with Daddy? I’m sure you did,” she giggled when you tickled her belly. You went out to find Rafael so you could leave.

Rafael was quiet as he followed you into the coffee store. You found a seat and set your stuff down before going to the counter, “I’ll have a vanilla latte,” you said, stepping aside so Rafael could tell the woman his order.

“Uh dark roast, three cream, four sugar,” he said softly, not even looking up. You waited for him to pull his wallet out, wanting to let him pay like he usually would, but he seemed distracted so you got your own card, handing it over. When you turned around again, he was sitting at the table, his head down. You sat down beside him, wrapping your arm around his torso, and he leaned into your arms, his head dropping against your shoulder. He dissolved into tears, his body shaking with them, and you ran your fingers down his back gently, shushing him and holding him close. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

“It’s okay baby, it’s alright. I promise,” you whispered. You rocked him gently, murmuring in his ear. He sucked in a few hitching breaths, clinging desperately to you. “I know Rafa, try and calm down,”

“I--I’m sorry,” he said again, and you shook your head,

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” you whispered, “Absolutely nothing,”

“Yes I do,” his voice was shaky and weepy. You kissed his forehead, holding him tight and dragging your fingers through his hair. He finally calmed down some, wiping them from his face. He sniffled when they put the coffee on the table in front of you, and he took a sip.

“Raf, can you tell me what’s wrong?” you asked. He shrugged, sniffling and staring at his coffee for a few minutes. You were patient with him, taking a sip of your own latte while you waited.

“I’m sorry I was so angry,” he whispered, “You didn’t deserve it,”

“I know,” you said softly, “You have the right to be angry though, and if you need to, direct it at me. I don’t blame you. I love you,”

“You’re too good to me,” he said softly, “Why? Why do you let me walk all over you like this? It’s not fair,”

“You’re not yourself right now Rafael, sometimes you just need an outlet, and it’s okay,” you explained, “I’m here for you,”

“Did you even want to have sex with me?” he asked softly after a very long silence. He looked torn up and broken. You put a soft hand on his cheek, directing his gaze to your face,

“When baby, this morning?” you asked. He nodded, “Of course I did. I wouldn’t have said yes otherwise. You didn’t pressure me or make me do anything. I promise,” He looked so relieved, like he had been thinking about it all day. He took another sip of his coffee, and you reached for his hand. He let you hold it, still looking disturbed, but much better. “How do you feel about the trial?” He shook his head, scratching at his arm, but he stopped when he felt your gaze on him, “Rafa, are you cutting again?” He looked away, and you had your answer. “Let me see,”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, pulling his sleeve up, and you looked at the two shallow cuts, “I couldn’t stop myself,”

“I know it’s been hard, but this could be worse,” you said gently, “It’s alright. You can talk to Huang again, and he’ll help you. I know this is tough,” He nodded, tears streaming down his cheeks. He sucked a shaky breath.

“I just felt attacked on the stand, and I--I don’t know. I couldn’t breathe. I tried not to, but I felt like I was going to throw up and I just couldn’t. I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t. You don’t have to be sorry. You’ve been doing great. A slip up isn’t the end of the world,” you murmured. He took another gulp of his coffee.

“How was the trial today?” he finally asked softly.

“Good, Buchanan kept on me, but I think the jury is definitely on our side. It’s okay sweetheart,” you told him. You took his hand, squeezing softly.

“I’m really scared Y/N,” he finally admitted, “I’m not sleeping. All I can think about is the baby, and her going free. I can’t live my life, and I can’t breathe. I want to be better. I need help,”

“I’m right here, to help you,” you told him, “I’m right here,” You reached out and stroked his cheek, drawing him closer for a kiss. “You’re not alone,” He nodded. “Huang and Liv and I are here to help you, and I won’t let anything else happen. You don’t even have to testify anymore. All we have left is a custody hearing, and Rita is going to take care of that,”

“I can’t let her have this baby,” he whispered, “I need this to work,”

“It will Rafa, it will,” you promised, and you hoped you could keep it. 


	56. Chapter 56

Rafael was sitting on the bed, and you were beside him, your hand on his shoulder, rubbing circles over his back. He was hunched over, his elbows resting on his thighs, “Olivia said they have the video,” he whispered.

“Yeah,” it was all you could say. You weren’t sure what could possibly make him feel better at that point. “You don’t have to go Rafael, you don’t have to put yourself through that,”

“I want to,” he replied stubbornly, “Just--just keep my mom out please,”

“Of course,” you told him, “I promise. Do you want me to sit with you?” He shook his head.

“I don’t want you to see it,” he whispered, “You and my Mom,”

“I won’t think any less of you. If you need me, just say the word,” you prodded, trying to make sure he would be alright. He wouldn’t look at you.

“It’s all you’ll see Y/N. You won’t ever be able to forget,” he told you. “Liv will sit with me. Liv and Rita, and I’ll be okay,” He had his eyes closed, like he was trying to convince himself. He looked so tired, his shoulders shaking, dark bags under his eyes. You moved your hands so you could massage his shoulders, thumbs rubbing circles into the tense muscles. He was going to give himself a tension headache. You pressed a soft kiss between his shoulder blades,

“If you change your mind--”

“I won’t.” His voice was firm, “It’ll be fine,” He stood up, going to the dresser and rifling through the drawer. He pulled out a pair of burgundy and gold socks and black boxer briefs. He started to change, slipping into a white button down, and you stood up from the bed, pulling out the tie you knew he was going to grab from his side of the closet. He thanked you softly, straightening his clothing. You helped him clip his golden cufflinks before he slipped into his black pants and suspenders. His black three piece suit shimmered when the light hit it just right, the subtle pattern only exposed when you were close. You loved that suit, and so did he. You helped him into his vest, and he shakily knotted his tie before fastening the buttons. You handed him his brown Italian leather shoes and he smiled, but it was empty. You found him in the kitchen, sipping at a cup of coffee.

“Hey, try to look at the good Raf,” you whispered, “This will be hard, but we’re gonna nail her,”

“I hope so,” he said softly, closing his eyes, “Could—Would you….” he trailed off.

“What?” You asked, taking a step closer, “What would make you feel better?” He looked at you, but then averted his gaze like he felt guilty. “What is it?”

“I feel bad asking you—” he trailed off.

“Don’t,” You said gently, and he finally met your eyes, looking vulnerable, “If I don’t want to Rafa, I’ll say no,”

“Would you blow me?” He asked softly, blushing. You took a step toward him,

“Sure,” You said softly, taking his coffee and setting it on the table. You took him by the hand, leading him over to the couch and pressing him down. He settled back, his eyes watching you closely as you braced your hands on his shoulders and leaned in for a kiss. He let you take the reins at first, arching into you, hands clutching at your shirt. You were slow and gentle, sensing he felt extremely vulnerable. He needed to feel loved. You maintained eye contact, kissing his neck and jaw as you carefully unfastened his pants. You swore softly, growing annoyed with his suspenders, but you eventually managed to wrestle his pants open and down enough to pull him out. He groaned softly, hips rising slightly as you touched him. You got him hard, pumping him a handful of times before gently pressing a kiss to his head. His fingers tangled into your hair, fingers stroking against your scalp softly, rubbing soft circles on your temple with the pad of his thumb.

“Oh--Oh God,” he mumbled when you hollowed your lips, sucking around just his tip. You swirled your tongue around the smooth skin, his hips jerking forward. The precome was leaking from the slit already, the salty, bitter taste on your tongue. “Please,” he whispered, “Y/N, please,” You slowly worked your way down further, his length feeling heavy in your mouth. His thighs tensed, hand tightening in your locks, and he mumbled an apology as he pushed so far in that you gagged. You gently stroked his skin through the smooth material of his pants, working through it, and making sure he knew you were okay. His started rising every few minutes as he got closer, and you loosened your lips, allowing him to thrust shallowly. He murmured praises, telling you beautiful and amazing you were, and you felt warmth spreading in your chest. The fact that you made him feel safe and secure enough to do this with you, to let you make him feel good was enough to make you incredibly happy. He came apart, his cock pulsing in your mouth as semen spilled out of him. You cleaned him up afterwards, helping him to right all his clothing and he leaned back, breathing heavily.

“Okay?” you asked softly, moving up to sit beside him, your knees aching. You smoothed back a few locks of his hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“More than okay,” he whispered breathlessly, “Thank you,”

“Anytime, now let’s get you ready. We need to leave soon,” you murmured, kissing his face again. He nodded softly, but he leaned his head back against the couch.

……………………………..

Rafael was seated in between Liv and Rita. Liv was hold his hand, and he had a death grip on hers. He felt panic coiling tight in his chest, but he was fighting it back. He was glad that you had listened to him, keeping his mother away and staying out yourself. It was bad enough that other people would see the video. “You okay?” Liv whispered. He shook his head.

“Not really,” he murmured, “I just want this to start already, and I want it to be over,”

“Just a few more minutes,” Liv promised, “Look, here’s the judge,” DeLuca introduced the video and then he started it, and Rafael kept his eyes up on the screen. He saw himself laying in that hospital bed, and he almost had to look away immediately. He was so small, so weak, and no one should see him like that. He was panicking, he could see it, and then he saw her. Liv squeezed his hand as it started, as he passed out and she violated him. They had her. He felt like he was going to throw up, but the second video was so much worse. Watching himself crying, shaking, when she climbed on top of him. Watching when she made him….he broke down. Liv rubbed his back as he tried to control himself and stay quiet, but he couldn’t handle it. He stood up, shakily making his way out of the courtroom. “Rafa, hey,”

“Don’t,” he said softly, stumbling toward the bathroom.

“Hey, let me help you,” Liv called. He didn’t fight, and he leaned against her. Liv moved him into the men’s room, helping him to a toilet where he could throw up. He leaned over, gagging more than once, his body lurching forward each time. “Shh,” Liv murmured when he started to cry.

“Everyone saw it,” he whispered, his voice wavering.

“They know you didn’t want it Rafa,” Liv murmured, rubbing his back. He gagged again, this time bile rising in his throat until he was spilling the little he ate for breakfast into the porcelain bowl. He spit a few times before finally sitting back and breathing heavily.

“Here, come on,” Liv whispered, getting him out onto a bench, “I’m gonna buy you a water bottle. You stay put. I’ll be right back,” He nodded, leaning his head back against the wall. He couldn’t breathe, and he felt dizzy. Even if he wanted to, he didn’t think he would be able to walk more than a few steps without collapsing. Liv was true to her word, returning in only moments with cold water for him to drink. He felt ill, but the cool liquid helped. “You’re alright,” she promised, and he nodded, wiping at his face. Despite the acute pain he was feeling, he knew it was good in the long run.

…………………………………

Rafael sat in the gallery, you by his side, Gabriella in her carseat on the floor. Liv was sitting behind him, his mother on his left. He felt panicked, his chest coiling with anxiety, his body tense as he waited. He felt sick again, like he had almost every time he was in the courtroom throughout this ordeal. After the video, DeLuca had rested his case, and the defense had to put Jordan on the stand. Rafael refused to be there for that part. He knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. Instead, he had spent the day at home, curled up under some blankets, feeling despaired and distressed. You hadn’t bothered him besides ensuring he ate something and drank water throughout the day. It had been miserable. You held him throughout the night, chasing away nightmares and squeezing his hand. He listened to you tell him how much you loved him, trying to internalize the words and believe them. He knew you meant it, but it was so hard for him.

“Rafa,” your voice pulled him from his trance, and he realized he should be standing up. You squeezed his hand as the judge came and in and called the court to session. Rafael was shaking.

“Has the jury reached a verdict?” the judge asked, and the foreman nodded. The bailiff brought the paper over for her read, and she nodded, handing it back. “On the count of forcible touching how do you find?” Rafael held his breath.

“We find the defendant guilty,” the woman said. They believed that part, but he could only hope they got him on the second count. He squeezed your hand so tight, he was sure your knuckles had turned white.

“And on the charge of rape in the first degree?” the judge asked. The woman looked down at the paper,

“We find the defendant guilty,” Rafael felt tears overwhelming him, turning and burying his face against your shirt.

“You won Rafa, she’s going to jail,” you murmured. His chest heaved as he held tight to you, sniffling and trying not to completely lose it. He felt so relieved.

………………………………..

You were in the living room, talking with Sonny. You were celebrating, the squad over, and everyone was talking and laughing, but Rafael was nowhere to be seen. You excused yourself, peeking into the kitchen, but he wasn’t there. You looked in your bedroom, but again he wasn’t there. You saw the light on under Gabriella’s door, so you slowly made your way down there. You opened the door, looking in and smiling. Rafael was sitting in the rocking chair, holding Gabriella close and rocking her. A legal pad was in his lap, an empty glass of scotch beside him on the ground. He was scribbling furiously as he rocked, rubbing soft circles against his daughter’s back. “Hey,” you whispered, leaning against the door frame.

“Hey,” he replied softly, not looking up.

“What are you doing in here? Everyone is still out in the living room,” you told him, taking a step closer.

“I want to be alone for a bit,” he finally answered, and you nodded,

“You could have said that. I can ask people to leave,” you offered. He shook his head,

“Go have fun, I’m fine in here,” he told you.

“How much scotch have you had? You know you’re not supposed to drink with your meds,” you asked gently, balancing on the arm of the chair so you could wrap and arm around him.

“Not that much,” his answer was short and soft, and you weren’t sure how much you believed him, but you let it go.

“What are you doing?” you asked.

“Writing what I want to say at sentencing. She needs to get life,” he whispered. You nodded, stroking your fingers through his hair and holding him tight. 


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t been answering comments....with all the downtime and slowness on the site it’s been a struggle. Once stuff is working again, I’ll get back to that. I appreciate all your comments! :)

  
When Rafael climbed in bed, you peeked at the alarm clock. It was two in the morning. You sighed, rolling toward him and pulling him closer, “Hey,” you whispered.

“Hey,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead, “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,”

“It’s okay, come here,” you murmured. He let you hold him close, pecking your lips softly before settling in. You could smell the alcohol on his breath. “Raf,” you whispered, “I know today was hard, but you can’t be drinking,” He sighed, nodding softly.

“I know,” he murmured, but you weren’t sure if he was just trying to appease you.

“I’m serious Rafa, this isn’t some game. Alcohol does not mix well with Zoloft, and I can’t raise Gabriella on my own, so don’t you go and die on me,” you said sternly. He didn’t answer, and you didn’t press. He didn’t need more stress, and you thought he got the point. He curled his arms around you, his warm skin pressing against yours where your tank top rode up.

“I’m scared,” he whispered.

“About the custody hearing?” You asked softly, and he nodded. “Well now it should be easier because she was convicted,”

“That doesn’t mean we’ll win,” he murmured.

“I know Rafa, but we’re gonna figure it out together,” you promised. He pulled you closer to him, lying his head on your chest and shutting his eyes. Somehow you always made him feel so safe. “Everything will work itself out,”

“I hope people weren’t upset earlier...I just needed some time to myself,” he whispered.

“No, of course not. No one was upset with you,” you told him gently, “We all understand what you’ve been through. You don’t need to apologize so much,”

“Don’t say that,” he whispered, “I don’t get a free pass to be an asshole just because I was raped,”

“I didn’t say that either. I said everyone understood tonight, and you shouldn’t feel bad,” you chastised. He was so stubborn, so set on blaming himself for things that weren’t his fault.

“How do you always calm me down?” He whispered, tiredly seeking out your lips. The kiss was soft and warm, almost innocent, but loving all the same. It was soft and sweet and familiar.

“Really?” Your voice was no more than a mumble, warm breath hitting his lips as your foreheads rested against each other’s. “I thought I was doing a pretty lousy job,”

“How could you possibly think that?” He murmured between short pecks of your lips, “Without you, I’d probably have killed myself by now. I feel so much better than before. Not perfect, but we’re getting there,”

“I love you so much Rafael,” you whispered. His hold on you tightened as he pulled you closer,

“I love you too,” His works were mumbled against your lips as he drew you in for another short kiss.

………………………..

“Before my ruling on sentencing, I understand Mr. Barba would like to say a few words,” the judges voice along with a gently nudge from you pulled him from his spinning mind. He stood up, surprising himself with steady steps to the podium. The wrinkled piece of paper that he had hastily torn from his legal pad was clutched in his sweaty hand. He was shaking as he cleared his throat. There she was standing in front of him, looking right at him, and he felt like he was going to be sick.

“I—” his voice shook just barely, “I am not defined by what you did to me,” he managed to say. “You saw me in the hospital, reeling from being shot, and you saw a vulnerable man, a victim. You were my nurse, you were supposed to care for me, and make me better, but instead you took advantage. At first—at first, after it happened, I blamed myself for being weak, for not fighting you off, but with the help of my beautiful wife and wonderful friends and family, and most importantly, my daughter, I’ve been able to see that I shouldn’t hate myself because of what you did. You don’t get to win, you don’t get to ruin my life. While I will likely hold what happened with me for the rest of my life, I am going to move on, and I am going to be happy. You don’t get to take that from me,” he had to take a second to compose himself, to wipe tears away from his face before turning to the judge, “Your honor, in the interest of my own mental health and my family, and in the interest of my unborn child, I would request that you sentence Miss Larson to the maximum time. Thank you for allowing me to speak,”

“Thank you Mr. Barba,” the judge said, voice sounding grave. Rafael slowly returned to his seat, taking your offered hand. “Miss Larson, is there anything you’d like to say?”

“No, your honor,” she replied softly.

“Stand then,” the judge said, “Based on the testimony by Dr. Huang, taking into consideration the irreversible effect your actions have had on Mr. Barba’s life, and your gross disregard for your duties as a healthcare professional, I feel the need to make myself clear. I have considered the fact that you are a first time offender, but you have shown no remorse whatsoever, and through your recklessness, you have placed both Mr. Barba and his wife into a very, very tough situation. I am sentencing you to a total of 74 years in prison,” Rafael made a broken noise, covering his mouth as tears escaped his eyes. You rubbed your hand down his shoulder,

“This is good Rafa, she’s not getting out,” You whispered. He looked shellshocked, and you, Liv, and his mother were all forcing yourselves to not crowd him. He was suddenly so emotional, but you weren’t sure if it was good or not. You hoped it was just relief. He took a few minutes to try and compose himself, and you helped him up, so you could go out of the courtroom and talk. You got him sitting on a bench outside, and you squatted down so you could look him in the eyes. “What do you need right now?”

“I’m okay,” he whispered, but he was still crying. He swiped tears from his cheeks, his chest heaving. He grabbed at you, pulling you closer. “I--I can’t believe we won,”

“Yeah baby, yeah we did,” you whispered, cupping his cheek, and kissing his forehead, “Things are all going to keep getting better and better,”

……………………………………………..

Rafael stood up from the couch, sipping at his coffee and pacing. “Rafael, try to calm down,” Huang’s voice was gentle, but it wasn’t helping. “Look how well things have been going. A family court judge will see everything that’s happened before making their ruling. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“Visitation. I don’t want her anywhere near that child,” he whispered, “I can’t deal with it,”

“Yes you can. I know it’s hard, but you’ll figure it out. You can’t view things as so black and white or you’ll work yourself up even more,” George said gently, “Come sit back down. We’ll do a breathing exercise,” Rafael shook his head, raising his mug to his lips before taking a seat again. “Look right here at me and count your breaths with me. One, two, three, four, that’s it, now out for four,” Rafael did as he said, murmuring the numbers in time with Huang. He felt a lot calmer after that, and he was just staring at his lap. “Tell me something, how bad would it really be if Liv was taking the baby for minimal visitation?”

“I--I don’t know. I feel like she still has a hold on me then….which sounds selfish,” he whispered. He leaned his head down into his hands, fingers carding through his hair. “I really don’t want her influencing the baby, and what’s really got me worried is explaining to a child why they have to visit their mother in prison. I’d rather wait and explain it when they were old enough to understand more,”

“All of those are perfectly rational reasons Rafael, but you need to understand that the world isn’t going to end if she gets visitation. I know it will be very hard, but everyone will help you make it work,” George promised. Rafael nodded, going quiet for awhile.

“George,” his voice was so soft, “Why do you think she did that to me?”

“She’s a power assertive rapist. She saw you as vulnerable, and she could easily gain control over you, so she attacked you. As for the pregnancy, she knows it gives her some sort of control over you, so she’s playing it for all it’s worth,” he explained. Rafael shut his eyes, wiping the tears from his face.

“I--I….So it’s because I was shot,” he whispered.

“Don’t think about it like that Rafael,” George said softly, “She attacked you because she’s a terrible person. Nothing that happened is your fault,”

“Okay,” he murmured.

……………………………………………

You walked in the living room, and immediately smiled. Rafael was on the floor, looking right at Gabriella and making faces at her. She giggled, trying to reach for him but inadvertently sending herself crashing to the floor. She started to wail, and he looked alarmed and then heartbroken as he reached for her, scooping Gabriella up into his arms. “Shhh,” he whispered, “I’m sorry, shh, it’s okay,” He rocked her, kissing the top of her head. “Quiet sweetheart, you’re okay. I know. You poor thing,” You came over, settling down beside him,

“She’s okay,” you told him, trying to make sure he didn’t freak out, “She’s fine, look, she’s calming down,”

“No she isn’t,” he whispered, “She’s in pain,”

“She’s okay Rafael. Breathe, here, hand her to me,” you said gently. He had tears in his eyes, and he was shaking. He reluctantly handed her to you, and you rocked her back and forth. She calmed down fairly quickly, “Breathe Rafa, she’s okay, see?”

“No,” he whispered, “I let her get hurt. How am I ever supposed to protect her?”

“Calm down Raf, calm down. You’re just stressed out. This isn’t a big deal sweetheart, I promise,” you told him gently, “What’s really wrong?”

“I’m stressed out about the custody hearing,” he whispered, “I was trying to distract myself, and then she fell, and I’m sorry--”

“Listen to me, calm down baby, breathe for me,” you put both hands on his shoulders, stroking your thumb over the exposed skin. “You’re okay, I know,”

“Huang helped me a lot last time we talked, but I’m so worried,” he murmured, “Please hold me,” You nodded, standing up and getting Gabriella in her pack and play before pulling Rafael into your arms. He relaxed against you, calming down slowly and then falling asleep in your arms. 


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1-2 more chapters left. This one is kinda short, so sorry, but I worked late.

  
Rafael was pacing, back and forth, over and over again. “Rafael,” you said softly from your seat, “Babe, you’re going to wear a hole in the floor, come and sit down,”

“Where’s Rita? She can’t be late. This has to be perfect,” he whispered, not listening to you. You stood up and grabbed his hand, directing him to sit down.

“Raf,” you said, looking him straight in the eyes, “The hearing doesn’t start for another half hour. You got here incredibly early. Rita will be here on time, and everything is going to be okay,” His eyes were as wide as you’d ever seen them, and he looked terrified, but he nodded at your words, gulping visibly. You traced his jaw line with your thumb, leaning forward and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Try to calm down,”

“I’m sorry, I know,” he whispered finally.

“Let’s go outside and get some coffee and something to eat,” you suggested.

“I feel sick,” he said softly.

“I know, come on though,” you would try to get something into him even if it was small. You held his hand on the way out the door, and there was a little food truck not far. Usually Rafael would be happy to have one of the breakfast burritos even when you told him he should be eating healthier, but he just looked green when you suggested it. He took a coffee and grudgingly ate the muffin you bought him. By the time you had both eaten, Rita arrived and walked you into a side room to talk.

“I pulled some strings, we got a good judge, and with the conviction, we’re in a really good spot. The judge will hear from both parties and then make a ruling, and we’ll figure it out from there okay?” She asked. Rafael nodded, but he looked worried. “Rafael, why don’t you sit down. You look a little pale,” he nodded numbly, and you helped him into a seat.

“It’s okay Rafael, I know this is scary, but it’s okay,” You whispered, pulling him into a hug. He held tight to you, and you could feel his shuddering breaths.

“We need to go in,” Rita said softly. You followed her into the courtroom, getting Rafael settled in a chair and then sitting next to him. At the other table was Jordan Larson and her attorney. “I’ve gotten this fast tracked so far, so I’m hoping the judge won’t draw it out,” Rita said softly. Finally, a familiar man entered the room, taking a seat in his chair.

“Well, Ms. Calhoun, Mr. Buchanan, nice to see you both. Mr. Barba, Y/N,” he said kindly, turning toward Jordan, “And you must be Ms. Larson,” Your jaw almost dropped. How had Rita swung this? She managed to get your old professor from Yale as the judge. Rafael noticed your change in demeanor and furrowed his brow, looking at you. “So, let’s get this started, is there any hope of a deal right now?”

“No your honor, Mr. Barba is seeking sole custody, no visitation,” Rita said, standing up.

“And obviously that is not amenable to Ms. Larson,” Buchanan interjected. The judge sighed,

“Alright then, I will get a law guardian appointed to the unborn child, and I assume Mr. Barba will be paying for a psychiatrist,”

“Yes your honor, he would like it to be Dr. George Huang if that is agreeable to Ms. Larson and yourself,” Rita said.

“Ms. Larson?” the judge asked.

“Dr. Huang is Mr. Barba’s own psychiatrist,” Buchanan argued.

“And Dr. Huang is an FBI forensic psychiatrist who has worked with the special victims unit in the past. I can get Olivia Benson to testify that Dr. Huang will remain impartial even when he knows a side of the party,” Rita explained.

“Olivia Benson has serious prejudice against my client,” Buchanan said.

“Alright, Alright. Let me speak with Dr. Huang and Lieutenant Benson, and if I find him fit, I’ll appoint him as the psychiatrist, but if I have any doubts at all, I will pick one myself,” the judge said, leveling a pointed look toward Rita. “Does that work for everyone?”

“Yes your honor,” Buchanan said, and Rita agreed.

“And just to get all my ducks in a row, Mr. Barba is seeking sole custody without visitation, and Ms. Larson would like weekly supervised visitation at Rikers,” he looked up and Rita and Buchanan confirmed his statement. “I have to tell you both, I think we will have to meet somewhere in the middle,” You felt Rafael stiffen immediately beside you. “Regardless, I think we can have a law guardian and a psychiatrist appointed by the end of the week, so I expect all of you back here Monday at nine and we’ll get this started. Court adjourned,”

“That was good,” Rita said, turning toward you both, “This is going fast just like we hoped. I’m going to file the civil suit and hopefully that will be enough leverage to get her to settle here,”

“I don’t feel so well,” Rafael whispered. You stroked his cheek, forcing him to meet your eyes,

“This is going well. Just breathe,” you whispered. He nodded, eyes sparkling with tears. “Let’s go take a walk through Central Park or something, something to get your mind off of it,”

“Nothing will get my mind off of it,” He sniffled. You knew he’d brighten up if you could manage to distract him. He let you guide him out of the room and toward the door. You texted Liv on the way to the park, and when you headed out to a bench, Rafael wasn’t paying attention. He sat down, a heavy sigh escaping him. His head jerked up though when he heard the voice yelling his name,

“Uncle Rafa!” And Noah was running to him. The little boy was suddenly engulfed in Rafael’s arms, and he held tight,

“Hey Buddy, how are you?” He asked excitedly.

“M’good, better now that I get to see you!” Noah exclaimed, grabbing Rafael’s hand and starting to pull him in different directions. You covered your mouth, holding in a laugh as Noah practically dragged him around.

“Thank you for bringing him,” you said softly. “Rafael really needed this today,”

“How was the hearing?” Liv asked.

“It went as well as it could have. Rafael isn’t willing to entertain anything but full custody, no visitation, and I just don’t think that’s realistic. Rita has a few ideas, but he’s very upset,” you explained.

“Maybe I can talk to him,” Liv whispered.

“Regardless, I think Noah will be a nice distraction,” You said softly.

“Where’s Gabriella?” Liv asked.

“With his mother,” you told her, “She’s been really helpful with watching her,” You both walked quietly behind them, watching as Rafael grinned as big as he had in a long time. He looked happy as he walked with Noah, holding his hand and listening to him as he spoke. Noah was excitedly telling him stories from school and tee ball, and you smiled softly, imagining when Gabriella would be that big. Rafael was going to enjoy being a father so much, and now you had another baby on the way. Rafael just had to make it through a little bit more, and then you would be on the road to healing together.

…………………………………

The light streaming through the bedroom window was bright. You blinked, wanting slip right back asleep. For once, you had a Saturday off, and Rafael could spend a lazy day with you. You eased out of bed, heading toward the kitchen where a sweet smell was originating. You walked through to find Rafael cooking something at the stove, only wearing sweatpants. You wrapped your arms around his waist, pressing kisses against his back and shoulder blades. “I was going to bring you breakfast in bed,” he whispered, turning his head so he could kiss you. Your thumb moved in circles right above his hip bone,

“What are you making, handsome?” you asked softly.

“Pancakes,” he murmured, “Chocolate chip,”

“You, Mr. Barba, sure know the way to my heart,” you said with a laugh. He smiled charmingly, flipping a pancake before getting them piled up on a plate. He turned around in your arms after that, pressing a soft kiss to your lips.

“Well, Mrs. Barba, I would be concerned if I didn’t know how to please you. We have been together for awhile now,” he whispered, pulling you into his arms for a minute. He led you to the table, bringing out plates, forks, and syrup. You took a few bites, laying your hand over his that was resting on the table.

“I love you,” you whispered. He looked up at you, smiling and taking a bite of his own food,

“Love you too cariño,” he said. Your quiet conversation was interrupted by the baby monitor blaring cries. You started to get up, but Rafael stopped you, “I’ve got it,” He disappeared back into the hall, and then he came out with Gabriella who only took moments to calm down in his arms. “Shhh, mija, you’re fine,” he whispered, “Are you hungry?” He went into the kitchen, getting a bottle and warming it up to feed her. You rested your head against your hand, watching him with a smile as you ate breakfast. Things were starting to look up. 


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the last chapter will be up tomorrow or Saturday :)

“Dr. Huang will act as the psychiatrist on the case, and Trevor Langan will be the child’s law guardian,” the judge said from the stand, “They will begin their investigations immediately, and at the next meeting I will start to hear testimony from both sides. Now, I understand there has been an issue with Mr. Barba’s right to medical information about his child?”

“Your honor, HIPAA clearly protects Ms. Larson from having to share medical information with Mr. Barba. It is her right,” Buchanan argued.

“Mr. Buchanan, I understand why you’d like to think so, but as long as Mr. Barba is watching from the monitor in the other room, he has a right to watch the ultrasounds and to any pertinent information about his child,” the judge said, “He has no right to any information about Ms. Larson’s condition or anything of that sort, but information strictly about the child is allowed. Understood?”

“Yes your honor,” Buchanan replied, taking a seat.

“Now, it’s time for testimony. Ms. Calhoun, I understand Mr. Barba is prepared to testify,” the judge said.

“Yes your honor,” Rita said, and Rafael got up, straightening his jacket as he walked up to the stand. You could see how nervous he was from where you were sitting. After he was sworn in, Rafael took a seat and waited for Rita to begin questioning him. “So, Rafael, let’s start with an easy question, why are you seeking sole custody of your child?”

“I believe Ms. Larson would be an incredibly negative influence on the baby, and I don’t trust her at all,” Rafael said softly, “She’s dangerous,”

“Can you please elaborate on that, and explain how you cam to that conclusion,” Rita asked. Rafael took a very deep breath, shutting his eyes for just a moment,

“When I was in the hospital, healing from a gunshot wound, Ms. Larson was my nurse. She sexually assaulted me twice, once, she touched my penis and forced me to ejaculate, and the second time she raped me, both while I was drugged which is how she became pregnant,” Rafael explained. “I would like to remove my child from the situation and raise them in a loving home. I fear she would use the baby against me or try to control me somehow. I don’t think she is mentally stable,”

“Objection, your honor,” Buchanan said.

“Careful Mr. Barba,” the judge said gently, knowing Rafael was in a very vulnerable state. He nodded slightly.   
“Do you have a child currently?” Rita asked,

“Yes,” Rafael answered, “A little girl, her name is Gabriella,”

“When was her last doctor’s appointment?”

“Just last week,” Rafael said with a smile, but his eyes were still wet with tears, “The doctors said she’s catching up to other kids her age, she was born premature. They said she’s doing great,”

“Your honor, I had an ACS case worker do an assessment of the Barba’s home and their child, and I have these documents that I would like to submit as evidence,” Rita handed documents to the judge, “Right here it says your daughter was clean and happy and very well taken care of. Does that sound correct to you?”

“Of course. I try to give her everything I can. I had a...rough childhood, and I want her to grow up better than I did,” Rafael said softly.

“Were there any times after Ms. Larson was arrested that she continued to harass you?” Rita asked.

“Yes,” he whispered, “Any chance she would get, she’d try and taunt me or bait me. I was going through a very dark time, and it was upsetting,”

“About this dark time, are you currently medicated?” Rita asked.

“Yes, I’m on Zoloft for my depression and anxiety, and I’ve been doing so much better recently,” he answered.

“Throughout this time, did you ever have a hard time taking care of your daughter?” Calhoun said, coming closer to the stand. Keeping his eyes on her calmed him down some. He was still feeling worried and nervous.

“Once, I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything, so I called my mother and she took care of her for the day. Early on, I was still healing from my injuries and mental scars, but I watch her every day when my wife is at work now,” he said. Rita asked him a few more questions, but the judge seemed to have the idea. Buchanan stood up after that, looking smug.

“So, Mr. Barba, tell me, has Ms. Larson ever said anything that worries you concerning her ability to raise a child?” Buchanan asked.

“No, but she--”

“And isn’t it true that while you allege she was assaulting you--”

“Objection your honor, Ms. Larson was found guilty of attacking Mr. Barba,” Rita interrupted.

“Fine, while you were having intercourse, what did Ms. Larson say to you?” Buchanan said, rephrasing the question. Rafael frowned, looking unsure,

“While she was raping me, she—she said a lot of things. She told me that my hair was perfect, she kept touching it, she told me that I felt good—she was taunting me,” his voice cracked slightly.

“Did she say and I quote, ‘Wouldn’t it just be great if we had a baby?’” Buchanan asked. Rafael set his jaw, freezing up for a second, and you felt your heart clench. He shut his eyes looking like he was slipping into a flashback. Tears began to drip down his cheeks, and he looked away. “Mr. Barba,” Buchanan prodded.

“Yes,” Rafael finally whispered, “She said that to try and torture me more. She was getting off on it,”

“Does that sound like she wanted a child to you?” Buchanan asked,

“No, like I said--”

“Really Mr. Barba, she openly told you she wanted to have kids with you, and you think you can read minds enough to know she doesn’t mean it?” Buchanan challenged.

“Objection, argumentative,” Rita said.

“Sustained, Mr. Buchanan that’s enough. Mr. Barba, do you need a break?” the judge asked.

“Yes please,” Rafael whispered. He stood up, quickly walking out of the courtroom. You stood up, racing after him as fast as you could. You found him out by the stairs, pacing and pressing his knuckles to his lips, heavy breaths escaping his lips. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you could hear his whispered words as you came closer.

“Raf,” you whispered cautiously, “Rafael, sweetheart, please,” He took a step away from you, looking like a skittish cat, curling in on himself as his back hit the wall. You held your hands up, “Raf, I’m not going to hurt you, relax,” He crossed his arms, his fingers digging into the shirt. You stopped moving toward him and stood still. “I’m not going to hurt you, I’m right here when you’re ready,” He relaxed visibly at that, listening to your words for a few moments before taking a tentative and shaking step in your direction. He was trembling, and after two steps, he rushed into your arms, pressing his face against your shoulder and sobbing. You rubbed his back gently, small circles between his shoulder blades. “You’re alright, I promise. I’m right here,”

“M’sorry, M’sorry,” he mumbled, and you shook your head, cradling him close,

“Quiet down, it’s okay. Nothing to be sorry for. You can do this,” you promised. He nodded, clutching you to him, slowly calming down,

“How can they think--she raped me. She’s trying to fuck with me,” he whispered, “He has to see that right?”

“You know how hesitant courts can be to remove a child from its mother. To deny her full visitation--you need to try and cope with this,” you told him gently, “It’s gonna be okay,”

“Okay, okay, you’re right,” he whispered.

“Rita said she was going to be served with the papers today,” you told him softly. He nodded, holding your hand and completely trembling. He felt like he was going to throw up. “Just try and breathe with me, you’re going to be alright. This will help,”

“I’m trying, I know,” he whispered.

“You’re almost done,” you told him, starting to lead him back to the courtroom. He breathed in gasps, painful noises that made you cringe. You got him a cold cup of water, and he started to sip at it, his throat feeling scratchy and sore. You helped him into a chair, hand trailing over his shoulders and down his back, “You’re okay, it’s all okay,” He leaned his head against your midsection, and you ran your fingers through his hair, “Shh,”

…………………………….

After Rafael’s testimony was concluded, you walked him out of the building, holding his hand. On the steps, where you were talking with his mother and Olivia, you saw a man delivering the blue pamphlet to Buchanan and you smiled. Rita was going to back her into a corner so small that she wouldn’t be able to wriggle her way out. 


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was absolutely never supposed to be this long lmao. I hope you guys don’t hate me for this final chapter, but this is where my muse took me. I’m taking a break from this series to write two things I’ve been wanting to write for awhile, but then I have the promised fluff and smut part. If you guys have any situations you want me to include, let me know in the comments and I’ll try to accommodate. :) <3

There was a lot of testimony after Rafael’s. Dr. Huang testified on Rafael’s mental health, and doctors supported Rafael’s story about the assault. You testified. Then Buchanan put Jordan on the stand and some bogus character witnesses. It was nearing the end when Huang finally finished his report, and Trevor Langan was ready to discuss his findings with the judge. You were worried about what might happen, but more so Rafael’s reaction. The night before Huang and Langan were going to speak at the hearing, he didn’t sleep at all. You were laying in bed, waiting for him, and answering emails on your phone. You heard the shower turn off around 11, and usually he might watch an episode of a crime show or something before coming to bed, but it was going on one in the morning and you still hadn’t seen him.

You sighed, getting out of bed to go find him. He wasn’t in the kitchen or Gabriella’s room. He left the tv on in the living room which was very unlike him. You picked up the dishes from earlier that he also left. You were worried about him. Once you had them all clean and put away, you ventured back to Gabriella’s room, but he wasn’t there either. On the way back down the hallway, you spotted a light under the door of the study. You knocked on the door before going in, and there he was sitting in his desk chair. You took a step in, and immediately noticed the redness around his eyes and the tear streaks. “You okay?” You asked softly. He didn’t answer, staring at his desk. “Raf,” you said gently. He blinked. You caught sight of the tumbler of scotch the closer you got, and you sighed loudly. “Rafael,” you said disappointedly, grabbing the cup. He didn’t reach for it, and he did have the decency to look sheepish.

“Sorry,” He whispered.

“Talk to me, what’s going on?” You asked softly, leaning against the desk. He looked at you, tears in his eyes, shook his head, and looked away again. “Here, come on, let’s sit on the couch or go to bed or something,” he didn’t move for a few minutes, but then he struggled up to his feet, following you over to the couch. You sat down beside him, and he leaned his head into your shoulder. “Whenever you’re ready, I’m here to listen okay?”

“Kay,” he mumbled. He was quiet, shifting around so he could curl up on your lap like a puppy might. You scratched your fingers through his hair and behind his ear, enjoying the soft sighing sounds he made.

“How are you feeling about work?” you asked softly, but he just shrugged noncommittally. You continued your strokes down the back of his neck and to his back.

“Huang likes me right?” his voice startled you, and you frowned.   
“Of course Huang likes you,” you said softly, “Why would you even ask that?”

“You don’t think he’d recommend against us do you?” his voice was suddenly breaking and wavering with nerves.

“Of course he wouldn’t Rafael, he’ll make the best decision, and I know that will be in our favor. Try to relax and get some sleep,” you told him, glad that he finally told you what was bothering him.

“I can’t,” he whispered, “I just want all of this to be over. How are we supposed to….” he trailed off. You wanted to ask him to finish the question, but you didn’t want to push when he was so fragile. He was silent for awhile again, the only clue that he was awake was the compulsive clenching of his hand. He laid still until Brady came over, sniffing around and nudging Rafael’s hand. He picked the little dog up, cuddling it to him. His licked at Rafael’s face, and you smiled.

“Someone loves his daddy,” you teased, and Rafael glared at you.

“I’m not his daddy,” he whispered.

“Oh don’t be like that,” you murmured, ghosting your fingers down his side.

“He still attacks me if he thinks I’m hurting Gabriella,” he said with a laugh, “I was sitting on the ground, holding her and she started to cry, and he growled at me,” You chuckled at your dog’s protective streak. He was very aggressive when it came to her safety and your own. He usually was best friends with Rafael, but when he thought it was dangerous, he would turn mean very quickly.

“Thank you for always listening and worrying about me. I don’t know what I’d do without you,” he whispered.

“Of course,”

……………………………………….

“Dr. Huang, please tell the court what your recommendation is for the unborn child,” the judge said.

“I would recommend that the child be placed with the Barbas. Mr. Barba is doing very well with his therapy and his medications, and I am confident in his mental stability based on how well he’s taken care of his daughter. Ms. Larson yearns for control. She expressed this when she assaulted Mr. Barba, and although I’m not sure she would be a threat to the child, she would certainly be a bad influence,” George replied.

“And on visitation?” the judge asked. George looked conflicted for a second, meeting Rafael’s eyes before he he spoke,

“I cannot recommend against visitation as I believe Ms. Larson would not be a threat. I would ask that it be minimal visitation and highly supervised. I also would recommend that Mr. and Mrs. Barba be given full legal custody. They have the best interest of the child at heart,” He said. Rafael was tense, and you reached for his hand.

“Thank you Dr. Huang. I will review your full report after we adjourn,” the judge said, and George stepped down.

“Mr. Langan, what’s your recommendation,” the judge asked.

“I would have to concur with Dr. Huang. The Barba’s are more than fit to take care of the child, and everyone I spoke with had nothing but kind and good words about both of them. The inspection of their house showed nothing but a loving environment for a child to grow up in. Ms. Larson abused her role as a healthcare professional, but after speaking with her and many of her coworkers and family members, I don’t see her as a threat,”

“Thank you Mr. Langan. I will go over all of the reports and testimony and have my ruling by next week,” he said, “We’re adjourned,” Rafael didn’t move. He was staring straight ahead, his jaw clenched.

“Raf, it’s alright,” you said gently, trying to make sure he didn’t have a melt down. He looked at you, forcing a slight smile onto his lips,

“I’m fine,” he mumbled, putting on a front for you, but you saw right through it. “Can we please go home,”

“I want to talk with George, see if we can set up your next appointment,” you said, but he shook his head.

“I don’t want to talk to him right now. I want to go home,” his voice sounded desperate, much more insistent. You were taken aback, but you nodded, taking his head, and heading out of the building.

…………………………………

When you got home, Rafael was laying on the couch, sniffling. You didn’t know what to say to him that might make it better, and he was ignoring you. Instead of upsetting him further, you let him alone, taking care of Gabriella and making dinner. When you returned to the living room, he was curled up, snuggling into a blanket, and staring at the tv. “Rafi,” you whispered.

“Hmm,” the soft hum was all you got in response.

“Can you eat something?” you asked. He quietly sat up, making room for you on the couch. “What are you hungry for?” He shrugged. You held his hand, thumb brushing over his knuckles. “We still have the civil suit,”

“I just want this all to be over. I’m done,” he whispered, “I can’t take this anymore,”

“Let me call Rita,” you said gently, “See if she’s cut a deal yet,” You pulled your phone out, dialing Rita’s number. You spoke with her on the phone for a few minutes about everything, and by the time you hung up, Rafael was back to crying. “No, shh, you’re fine,” you whispered, “Rita said she talked with Buchanan, and they’re thinking about the deal,”

“Y/N, this is tearing me apart inside, I feel like I’m never going to recover. I try to think about going back to work, and I panic because I can barely do any of this,” he admitted. You opened your mouth to answer, but Gabriella started crying from the pack and play. Rafael picked her up, rocking her in his arms and calming her down.

“You sure you don’t want me to call George?” you asked. He shook his head,

“How could he--” Rafael stopped, but you could see the betrayal and the hurt in his eyes.

“He was doing his job Rafa,” you said, “When you asked him to do it, you asked him to be impartial, and that is what he did,” Rafael just shook his head and went back to caring for the baby. Your only hope at this point was that the multi million dollar lawsuit would be enough to force her hand.

……………………………………………..

When you walked into the courtroom, you had knots twisting up in your stomach. Rafael was holding onto your hand so tight, you thought it might fall off. Liv and Lucia were behind you, Noah in tow, and George last. Rafael was still being cold, refusing his therapy sessions and holding onto his grudge. You knew he’d get over it eventually, especially if the verdict went well, but for now, he was focused on being mad. You took a seat with him, and Rita arrived only moments later.

“Hey guys,” she said with a smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Nervous,” you answered truthfully.

“Like I’m going to throw up,” Rafael whispered.

“Take a deep breath and relax. I think this will turn out well,” she said. You smiled, squeezing his hand in your own. You sat there until the judge entered, but there was still no one at the defense table. Suddenly Buchanan burst through the door.

“Sorry I’m late your honor,” he said breathlessly. He set his things down, taking a seat, “Where is Ms. Larson?”

“I was wondering the same thing,” the judge said raising his eyebrow. You sat there for a while longer, but she still didn’t show up.

“Can someone please phone the police?” she asked. Buchanan pulled his phone out, and you heard Liv doing the same with hers. A few moments of quiet speaking, and then you were worried. What was taking so long? Liv’s phone started to explode, and she quickly answered,

“Benson,” she said. She paused, listening to the person on the other end for a few moments, “Oh my God,” her whispered words scared you more than anything. You looked to Rafael who looked puzzled.

“I have some bad news.”

…………………………………………..

You walked out the door, seeing the wind blowing through his thin button down and whipping his hair all over the place. “Raf, it’s cold out here,” you said softly. He didn’t answer. His gaze was fixed on the New York skyline, his shoulders tense, his knuckles almost white where they gripped the railing of the balcony. You took another step toward him. “How are you feeling?” you asked, laying a hand on the back of his shoulder. He didn’t answer for a few moments, but then he turned his head to look at you just barely.

“Am I a terrible person if I say relieved,” he whispered.

“Of course not,” you told him, slipping your arms around his midsection.

“I’m sad of course, but I was really scared about even raising the baby,” he admitted, “Did they say how it happened?”

“They said she hung herself,” you told him gently, “In her cell with the bedsheets. I guess she felt cornered,”

“We killed her and the baby,” he whispered, and you shook your head.

“No Rafa, she raped you and couldn’t face the consequences. She did it on her own,” you told him. He sighed loudly, covering your hand with his own.

“It’s all over now,” you told him gently. You knew he was hurting inside, but also feeling a complex range of emotions. It was his kid you were talking about, and you weren't sure if that had set in for him yet. You had noticed some sadness in his eyes, and you knew he was upset about it, but he was reacting well considering. He shivered with the cold. “Come on, we should go inside,”

“Let’s go watch a movie with our daughter,” he whispered, and you smiled, following him back toward Gabriella’s room. He was finding ways to cope.

…………………………………

You straightened your black outfit as you followed Rafael toward the tomb stone. He paused, a crumpled up piece of paper clutched in his sweaty hand. George and Liv were right behind you. You were at the cemetery to bury the baby, a finally sort of closure for the both of you, but Rafael had mentioned wanting to walk down to the other side of the park.You held Rafael’s hand until he pulled away, taking a shaking step forward. He froze for a few minutes before closing the distance between himself and the stone. You wanted to follow him, to stand beside him as he read those angry words, carved into the paper like they were in his memory. You took a step forward, to go kneel down beside him and be there for him, but George grabbed your wrist, “He needs to do this alone,” he murmured, and you nodded, forcing yourself to give him the space. As he finally told his father everything that was on his mind, rain poured from the clouds down onto Rafael, a man kneeling on the wet grass, his head bowed as he finally faced the demons he pushed away for so long. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ralph in BoJack is greaaatt. He’s such a cute, tiny mouse and Raúl is hilarious voicing him. Also did anyone else spend copious amounts of time looking at chess rehearsals pics lmao....my fav is Raúl parking himself on his ex wife’s lap (if it’s not Michelle, it sure looks like her) like divorced couple goals hahaha


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